Church Humor

THE COLLAR

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, “Why do you dress funny?”

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest’s plastic collar tab and asked, “Do you have an owie?”

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”

“Yes I do,” said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, “Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!”

Christian Pickup Lines

1. Nice bible.
2. I would like to pray with you.
3. You know Jesus? Hey, me too!
4. God told me to come talk to you.
5. I know a church where we could go and talk.
6. How about a hug, sister/brother?
7. Do you need help carrying your bible? It looks heavy.
8. Christians don't shake hands; Christians gotta hug!
9. Oh you are cold, Ecclesiastes 4:11.
10. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?
11. What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a bible study?
12. The word says "Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry"; how about dinner?
13. You don't have an accountability partner? Me neither.
14. You want to come over and watch the 10 commandments tonight?
15. Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
16. (male to female) Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
17. Yeah, I predicted David over Goliath.

New Priest Warranty

MANUFACTURER'S NOTICE:

It has come to our attention that the pastor you received was shipped with a slight defect: he is not psychic. This defect necessitates certain special procedures to ensure optimum performance of your unit.

1. It is necessary to inform him of any members who are hospitalized.
2. It is necessary to inform him of any members who should be added to the "shut-in" list.
3. If someone you know is sick or otherwise in need of the pastor's prayers, or if you know of someone who should be included in the prayers on Sunday morning, the pastor must be told, or he won't know.
4. If you are in need of a pastoral visit or some other service from the pastor, you will get best results if you ask him.

We regret any inconvenience this may cause. If these special procedures create an undue burden, please feel free to send the unit back, and one with full psychic abilities will be shipped as soon as one becomes available.

Awww! Poor peanuts!

Many years ago a priest told us this joke.
A group of children are making their first penance. Boy #1 comes in and says, "Father, I threw peanuts in the water 5 times." Boy #2 comes in, "Father, I threw peanuts in the water 8 times." Boy after boy comes in confessing the number of times they threw peanuts in the water. Another boy comes in, makes his confession, but doesn't mention the peanuts. Father's a little puzzled so he asks, "Son, how many times did you throw peanuts in the water?" The little boy starts crying and answers, "None, Father, I'm Peanuts!"

From a podcast: One day, Jesus turned to the Apostles and said ,"3x^2+5x-2." The Twelve looked rather confused until Peter said, "Oh don't worry guys, Jesus likes to speak in parabolas."

I read this one once upon a time, called "a tired man's night prayer":

A man was pretty tired of going to work every day while his wife was just "walking around in the house". So he kneeled and prayed: Dear God, I'm going to work six days a week and am exhosting myself while my wife is just at home and does nothing. I'd like to switch with her, just for one single day. God heard his wish, and next day he woke up in his wife's body.

He got up from bed, made breakfast to the husband, woke up the children, found their clothes, gave them breakfast, packed their school lunch, drived them to school, delivered the family's clothes for cleansing, did purchases, drived home, put the food in the fridge, payed all the bills and did the family accounting.

Then he emptied the cat's toilet, bathed the dog, did all the beds, washed clothes, washed the kitchen floor and drove out. He picked up the kids at school, was listening to their arguing in the back seat, made them food and ironed clothes.

At 16:30 he had to peel potatoes, make dinner, do the dishes, clean the kitchen, take the laundry out of the washing machine, bath the children and get them to bed.

At nine o'clock he was totally exhosted, but the duties of the day was far from over. Now he had to suffer through a round of sex without complaining. When he woke up next day, he kneeled by the bed and said: Dear God, I can't believe how I could envy my wife her life. Please, let me be the husband again.

My child, you've learned your lesson, God replied. Therefor, I'll transform you again. But, you'll have to wait for another nine months - you got pregnant yesterday!

I got this one in an e-mail
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.

Ok, so I saw this posted somewhere else by someone else and also just HAD to post it here, as some minds apparently are thinking alike...


"...I thought, "oh my God". I started thinking about all the conspiracy stuff and then to myself I thought, "Well if a Mason suddenly jumps out and mugs me, at the least the Jesuits' Militia will avenge me."

Now we have the JESUITS MILITIA!!! Ha! Ha!

stevieunderhill

From the "Anti-Catholic Whoppers" forum:

I had to re-post this from the above forum that I found to be funny:

(Originally Posted by cthulhubryan) View Post:
"Catholics have the name of every protestant in a super computer and are working to destroy all protestant churches by the stealthy use of Jesuit super agents."

This is definitely the best and funniest one I've read yet! Ha! Ha!

Now I had already imagined Jesuit Navy Seals to try and convince Osama Bin Laden of his evil ways before his demise, but now I DEFINITELY want Navy Seal Jesuit Priest Super Agents to work on our behalf.

I just couldn't wait for the movie to come out about the whole Osama black ops operation, but now I very much wish that Jason Bourne could come back as a Jesuit Navy Seal Super Priest and solve another one. Ha! Ha!

Guess I don't have to buy the book, "The Seven Biggest Lies About the Catholic Church" now--this thread is all I seem to need for now.

BTW: Father Corapi spoke that at present, the Assembly of God churches are building about 80 churches to each Catholic one in South America, so there you go.

stevieunderhill
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