Alright, well, I just got back from a 4 hour bilingual easter mass, so I'm, like, zonked, but I'll try to explain it as best I can. Be warned, it will be as long as that Mass!
Do you remember how I mentioned that instead of small things bothering me, I have one thing, idea, that will not go away, no matter how many times I examine it, no matter how many hours I spend muling it over?
Well, one of my hobbies is on the chopping block this week. See, I like fiction. I like stories, watching them, reading them, writing them, painting them, I'm such a bookworm. And, I know that the Church leaves "reader/viewer" discression up to each person. I know that it teaches secular entertainment is not sinful, and is only sinful if you tempts you into sin, like reading a sexual scene that makes you lust.
Ok, still following me? I'm correct so far, yes/no?
Well, here's my problem with this. I have AGONY over the concept of sinful thoughts. It drives me INSANE.
Now, how does my love of a good story and my fear of sinful thoughts collide? Let me give you the most reccent example.
My best friend, several weekends ago, brought over several episodes of our favorite show to watch while she visited. It's about an atheistic, Darwinist, racist, evil, oppressive empire set to dominate the world , and one young man who finally leads a nation to fight against the empire for their freedom and their lives. Sounds not half bad, no? But then, take a look at the hero. Or, anti-hero. He wants to protect the weak, free the oppressed and make a safe world for his disbaled sister. It's a pity he uses the most horrible means to accomplish it.
He starts out virtuous, but as the war deepens, so does his desperation. You know all those Moral Theology threads about ends justifying the means? That's the theme of the show, asking, CAN ends justify means? If not, how do you acheive change? If so, when? in the face of death? In war? And it explores every point of view you can imagine to this question, from a very Christian view to a very not. The protagonist uses lies, deceit, murder and even a power akin to mind control to acheive his goals, despite being told over and over, and being SHOWN over and over how his tactics are hurting people, hurting himself, and he will end up alone and empty in the end.
In the end, however, after he loses the people closest to him and his closest allies betray hi, he realizes, well golly, I screwed up, and in the end sacrifices his life so that the world may have a future. The people see him as a onster because of what he did, not knowing in the end he gave his life for them. Sad as all heck, engaging, well written, thought-provoking...
And I feel so guilty for enjoying it.
I feel horrible for thinking the main character is interesting, for feeling pity for him, you get the idea. This brings me back to the sin in thought concept.
My best friend, when we like a book or movie or whatever, we like to make up stories about the characters, about their pasts, and "Hey, what if...: stories. It's our hobby, been keeping the same story going for years, with literally hundreds of characters. But now I'm worrying, if our stories involve the sinful things that these characters have done, am I sinning by-proxy by finding this behavior entertaining? Am I sinning by entertaining myself with characters who, although redeemed at the end, have done horrible things? See, once upon a time, our stories were veeery unChristian. Crude, often pornographihc, you get the idea. But not anymore. Now, stories that were once sexual are now chaste and romantic. Instead of writing crude humour, we'd rather explore the broken family bonds as they try to repair themselves. Adventure stories, battles for REAL good reasons, you get the idea.
And as I write this, I feel so STUPID, because it's such a silly and juvenille thing to be hung up on, fear of sinning by telling a story about imperfect people, fear of enjoying a TV show that was actually the first thing that ever made me ask myself, "DO ends justify means? No...but why?" but...I fear what I enjoy. THAT'S my scuple. Because if I enjoy it, it must be sinful
I never had problems with this particular part until coming here to CAF, and seeing all the posts about how this book is satanic and this book will make kids learn the occult and etc, etc, etc.
OCD/Scrupulosity Group
This group is for those who suffer from a religious form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). From the Scrupulous Anonymous website "Older people may be troubled about past sins, others agonize about problems of obedience and purity, and many worry about sin where there is no sin. Their fear and anxiety prevent them from making decisions lest they be wrong ones." This forum is for discussion and encouragement.