A boy has a crush on my daughter

**whatevergirl** · #1 Sep 14, '09, 6:13 am

I thought I'd have a few years regarding this type of thing with my dd...but a boy has a crush on her. Aw. Of course, since she is only 13...she is not permitted to have a boyfriend right now...or date someone I should say, 'exclusively.' Waaay too young.

But, here's how this came about...she takes guitar lessons, she is quite good, and the music school's owner...his son also is a coowner, and HIS son is the one who likes my daughter. So the school owner's GRANDSON. He is 14, and in high school. So, he asked her to be a part of his band...he is the drummer, they have a bass player, and then there's my daughter who plays guitar.

So, Saturday he called our house and asked if Lauren could come and practice. So, I dropped her off...at the school...and they practiced she said, and then they walked over to get a burger next door. He paid...I gave her one of my smiles, I didn't say anything. You know, that mom smile. She looked at me and said...'Mom, I know what you're thinking...please stop.' haha I said, I didn't say anything...I think (we'll call him Bob) Bob likes you, that's all. She rolled her eyes, and said...well, he is really nice, but he acts like he's 50. No offense to daddy, she said. Kids' bluntness, gotta love it.

When I came to pick her up...he walked her out to the car...it was very sweet. He really is very mature for a 14 yr old, and very polite and respectful. His parents homeschooled him until this year, and they are very strong Christians, and I can see they have worked hard in raising such a nice boy.

So...today, I get into work, check my email...and there is a note from him to my daughter. He said he really liked having her there, and that he looks forward to seeing her again at practice. You are such a great guitar player...and it went on to talk about details of the practices. (Let me clarify, I gave my work email to the music school if they have to get a hold of me, and can't reach me by phone)

So...she likes him, but she thinks he acts like he's 50. Her words, not mine. I think he does act much older...but my gosh, a refreshing change from the boys she goes to school with...let's just say they are beyond immature. She said that he asked if she ever wanted to 'hang out' for a burger outside of practice. Aw! So sweet. She said, yeah, ok. But, she said...mommy, I'm too young to date, and I said that because I didn't want to hurt his feelings.

I said, there is nothing wrong with hanging out as friends with a boy, if you are in a group setting. You are too young to date, I can't imagine that his parents would let him date you, either, I told her. But, probably walking over for a burger next door, is fine.

So...what would you do? Would you allow her to 'hang out' with him in a group setting to grab a bite to eat? What boundaries would you set up?

Eucharisted · #2 Sep 14, '09, 6:58 am

I understand that as a mother you have a right to protect your daughter, but I believe opening mail meant for your daughter is a rude entry into her life.

As for how to deal with him, I would be happy-go-lucky: Trust in Jesus, hope in the Lord! Don't go outside of common sense, but also don't put a collar around your daughter's neck. Give her freedom, especially freedom in Christ, and don't worry; worry is useless. Just pray.

**whatevergirl** · #3 Sep 14, '09, 7:01 am

Hi Eucharisted...Maybe I needed to clarify more. It's MY WORK EMAIL, and the person sending it was the boy, but THROUGH the music store's email address...so, I had no idea upon opening it, that it was for my daughter.

I agree, about not worrying. I think a group setting would be fine. But, I don't believe in kids dating exclusively, until they are later in their teens. Thanks for your thoughts.

shannyk · #4 Sep 14, '09, 7:17 am

WG how cute. I was actually just talking with DD about this kind of thing too because the other day a boy in her class told her he was 'in love' with her and that she was beautiful, smart and funny, and he wanted to know if she felt that same way about him. Needless to say DD was taken aback and had no idea how to respond so she told him " ummm I don't know" lol. She's 11, 12 next month, but she's in 7th grade so the boys are a year older. I was expecting this would come up sooner or later but yikes! So we talked about how to respond to him, in a nice way that isn't leading on at all but still mindful of his feelings. It sounds like your DD did a good job telling him she's too young, which of course she is! (scary isn't it

) It does sound like he's a nice kid and has been polite, just hope that the next guy she end up really dating is that gentlemanly!

Mary Gail 36 · #5 Sep 14, '09, 7:26 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by shannyk

WG how cute. I was actually just talking with DD about this kind of thing too because the other day a boy in her class told her he was 'in love' with her and that she was beautiful, smart and funny, and he wanted to know if she felt that same way about him. Needless to say DD was taken aback and had no idea how to respond so she told him " ummm I don't know" lol. She's 11, 12 next month, but she's in 7th grade so the boys are a year older. I was expecting this would come up sooner or later but yikes! So we talked about how to respond to him, in a nice way that isn't leading on at all but still mindful of his feelings. It sounds like your DD did a good job telling him she's too young, which of course she is! (scary isn't it

) It does sound like he's a nice kid and has been polite, just hope that the next guy she end up really dating is that gentlemanly!

My DD has been "engaged" since last year. She proposed to her little boyfriend, and he said yes. They also assumed that since they were engaged they could have a sleep-over together, which we didn't allow. BTW my DD was 4 at the time.

I'm not sure how to look forward to the future.

shannyk · #6 Sep 14, '09, 7:29 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary Gail 36

My DD has been "engaged" since last year. She proposed to her little boyfriend, and he said yes. They also assumed that since they were engaged they could have a sleep-over together, which we didn't allow. BTW my DD was 4 at the time.

I'm not sure how to look forward to the future.

AH how cute

Yes, you and your hubs should begin taking necessary precautions now, like maybe building a fortress wall around your house complete with a moat and canons

.

Em_in_FL · #7 Sep 14, '09, 7:43 am

I think going out for a burger after practice is okay.

Actually, she sounds like she isn't that interested in him anyway from your comments (his acting too old and when she told him she's too young to date because "she didn't want to hurt his feelings").

I think as long as the lines of communication are WIDE open - and that things stay in group situations (eating after band practice and such) then that's okay. Setting up boundaries isn't a bad thing, though... she may want something to use as an excuse anyway from the sound of her comments...

Good luck!!!

**whatevergirl** · #8 Sep 14, '09, 7:46 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mary Gail 36

My DD has been "engaged" since last year. She proposed to her little boyfriend, and he said yes. They also assumed that since they were engaged they could have a sleep-over together, which we didn't allow. BTW my DD was 4 at the time.

I'm not sure how to look forward to the future.

how cute!

Thank you both for your replies. If anything, this is one of those teachable moments for my dd. I said to her, you don't have to 'like' this boy, it's okay if you don't like him 'like that.' (speaking in kid lingo) lol I said...but this is the kind of treatment you should expect from a boy when you do begin dating someday. He is thoughtful, VERY mature, articulate, and respectful of his own parents and me, whenever I see him, he is always...Hi Mrs. N...how are you? (really, if these two were older, I'd like to see dd and him date) But, for now, way too young.

My son has girls as friends, he said he doesn't want to date anyone seriously right now. He said that he has a few friends with 'steady' girlfriends and he said they act so differently now, like the girls control their lives. He said the guys don't like it, but they tolerate it...some are already having sex. Sad. But, whatever, I am glad he has his head on right.

My concern is that my dd doesn't appreciate the gestures that this boy is showing her...she doesn't have to 'like' him, but I told her, this is the type of treatment you should have from a boy who likes you...Some of the boys in her class, push girls, shove them...she said this somehow shows that they like these girls. I said, no...that is NOT how a boy expresses himself to you someday, when he is interested in dating you. She listens, she is a sweetheart of a girl...prays the Rosary, loves the Lord...so, I'm not sure why she doesn't appreciate this boy's gestures of niceness towards her. Not that she doesn't, I should say, but she is embarassed that he is showing her attention, I think...maybe that's it.

I also thought I had a few years before this began.

Em_in_FL · #9 Sep 14, '09, 8:12 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatevergirl

My concern is that my dd doesn't appreciate the gestures that this boy is showing her...she doesn't have to 'like' him, but I told her, this is the type of treatment you should have from a boy who likes you...Some of the boys in her class, push girls, shove them...she said this somehow shows that they like these girls. I said, no...that is NOT how a boy expresses himself to you someday, when he is interested in dating you. She listens, she is a sweetheart of a girl...prays the Rosary, loves the Lord...so, I'm not sure why she doesn't appreciate this boy's gestures of niceness towards her. Not that she doesn't, I should say, but she is embarassed that he is showing her attention, I think...maybe that's it.

I also thought I had a few years before this began.

Hmmm... now I get it. She's in middle school... boys FLIRT by picking on girls. Weird, yes... but it just comes with the age. The "sweetness" that this particular boy is showing may just "weird her out". I remember (oh so vaguely) that age... someone who was being too sweet just gave me the heebie-geebies!

Guys that would TEASE me (in a funny way, not mean) and joke around seemed to capture my attention more.

Not sure why, it was just the age.

**whatevergirl** · #10 Sep 14, '09, 8:31 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Em_in_FL

Hmmm... now I get it. She's in middle school... boys FLIRT by picking on girls. Weird, yes... but it just comes with the age. The "sweetness" that this particular boy is showing may just "weird her out". I remember (oh so vaguely) that age... someone who was being too sweet just gave me the heebie-geebies!

Guys that would TEASE me (in a funny way, not mean) and joke around seemed to capture my attention more.

Not sure why, it was just the age.

Yes! You understand where I'm coming from (where she is coming from lol) I think that dd likes him, thinks he's nice, but she has no reference point. She has no idea how many jerks she may come across in the world (like I did before meeting her dad) so to her, she doesn't know how to interpret his niceness. But, we talked, and I explained that he is very nice...he's nice to everyone. I see how he is with his younger brother at the music school...and just wanted to have her know...THAT is the 'type' of behavior you should want from a boy you're dating someday. She tells me that she wants to meet someone someday, who respects her...but she has never met a boy HER AGE who is this 'nice.' lol Not all the boys in her school, but a neighbor of ours for example. Keeps throwing his shoe up on the roof near her window. lol One day, he did this, and was surprised to see me open the window...I said...why are your shoes always up here near my daughter's window and not on your feet? He laughed, and said...Um I dunno.

You don't know?

So, there are more immature types like him...and my dd doesn't like that behavior either. She isn't old enough perhaps to really know how to interpret these things.

But, I'm old enough!

**whatevergirl** · #11 Sep 14, '09, 8:37 am

What is refreshing too about this kid, is his behavior towards me and other adults. Just a really good kid. My son is very respectful too. And what I mean by this...is like for example, driving through our neighborhood, and the boys her age or older...skateboarding in the street, not moving when they see a car...just look at you like ...oh, I have to move for you? I am over that type of behavior. I am also over, a boy who knows me say through my son or dd...and I'm at the grocery store, and he doesn't say hello...I say hello sometimes, and they say...'hey.' Hey??

So...this boy is so out there to my dd because there are so many disrespectful kids these days...boys AND girls. So, she sees 'that' as normal, perhaps...but she isn't being raised like that, and she isn't like that...so not sure why she is so taken aback by this boy's kind gestures. My husband thinks it's funny...he said...he sent a thank you note to her? Wow...I'm impressed!

dranzal · #12 Sep 14, '09, 11:27 am

So you're daughter has drawn the interest of a genuinely good young man....What to do--you ask??

I'd think it'd be obvious....

Get that lad's parents on the phone and arrange a marriage. Quick! Before other desperate parents of pre-teen girls find out about him.

hehehe

I'm going to check back here every now and then. My own dd is 12 and is homeschooled. I hope that (in 15-20 years) she finds a nice, well-mannered Catholic young man.

**whatevergirl** · #13 Sep 14, '09, 2:08 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by dranzal

So you're daughter has drawn the interest of a genuinely good young man....What to do--you ask??

I'd think it'd be obvious....

Get that lad's parents on the phone and arrange a marriage. Quick! Before other desperate parents of pre-teen girls find out about him.

hehehe

I'm going to check back here every now and then. My own dd is 12 and is homeschooled. I hope that (in 15-20 years) she finds a nice, well-mannered Catholic young man.

right? I know! I think it's her age, and not being able to appreciate this right now. Someday, she will. I am sure your dd will find a great man someday, you are raising her right! It's not easy to raise kids to do the right things...there are a lot of temptations out there. My concern with her is that she sometimes gravitates to the 'bad boys,' not because she likes them, but because she truly wants to help them. Which is very sweet. There was a boy last year she told me about....he told her his life story...his mom was on drugs, his dad's in jail. I wanted to invite him over for dinner, as he had such an unstable life...and he really liked my daughter, just as a friend, but felt like he could trust her. Then, one day, she went to school, and that's it...he never came back. I cried about that one...very sad.

Consecrated · #14 Sep 14, '09, 11:58 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatevergirl

Yes! You understand where I'm coming from (where she is coming from lol) I think that dd likes him, thinks he's nice, but she has no reference point. She has no idea how many jerks she may come across in the world (like I did before meeting her dad) so to her, she doesn't know how to interpret his niceness. But, we talked, and I explained that he is very nice...he's nice to everyone. I see how he is with his younger brother at the music school...and just wanted to have her know...THAT is the 'type' of behavior you should want from a boy you're dating someday. She tells me that she wants to meet someone someday, who respects her...but she has never met a boy HER AGE who is this 'nice.' lol Not all the boys in her school, but a neighbor of ours for example. Keeps throwing his shoe up on the roof near her window. lol One day, he did this, and was surprised to see me open the window...I said...why are your shoes always up here near my daughter's window and not on your feet? He laughed, and said...Um I dunno.

You don't know?

So, there are more immature types like him...and my dd doesn't like that behavior either. She isn't old enough perhaps to really know how to interpret these things.

But, I'm old enough!

I think you're doing good pointing out to her his good qualities... and you're right that she;s just not old enough. Like you said, she's too young to date.

BUT when she's just a few years older, she'll be able to look back and really begin to understand, and you can help her with that by how you open her eyes to those details now.

so, good job!

emma411 · #15 Sep 23, '09, 5:32 pm

She listens, she is a sweetheart of a girl...prays the Rosary, loves the Lord...so, I'm not sure why she doesn't appreciate this boy's gestures of niceness towards her. Not that she doesn't, I should say, but she is embarassed that he is showing her attention, I think...maybe that's it.

I also thought I had a few years before this began.

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You know why she's emabarassed right? Because this boy actually seems like he has his head on right. Nowadays for a boy to be so well mannered as this boy is, is now considered uncommon. Boys don't act nice, polite, or proper. And when one comes along it's almost uncomfortable to deal with. You find yourself just waiting for the crude behavior to show itself. I met boys like that, and still always remained proper. So I wouldn't fret too much about how she views him as mature. She is still young, and sounds very sweet, and most of all very faithful as a catholic. It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job in preparing her for this new phase in her life. As for me, I kid you not, we will not allow our kids to date until after high school! Perhaps to severe

, but I am freaking out that no matter how much I try to prepare them for life, I don't want them to fall into any kind of unwanted trouble. I'm praying for two of them to priests and one to be nun. Hey it could happen!

God Bless You!