"Divorce-is-contagious"

gardenswithkids · #1 Jul 8, '10, 8:17 am

I just read this news article and thought many of you here would find it interesting. Researchers observed that divorce increases the risk of further divorces among family and friends. Here are a couple of sample statistics quoted in the article: Divorce increases a close friend's "risk" of divorce to 75% and increases the stats to 33% for friend's of friends. People with a divorced sibling are 22% more likely to be divorced.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/78...ontagious.html

This got me thinking about how my own friends' and families' marriage (and a few divorces) affected my own marriage. I see how these things can connect together to spread throughout the society. And here's philosophical analogy question: If divorce can spread like a virus, is there something that can protect people against divorce like a vaccine?

gmarie21 · #2 Jul 8, '10, 8:26 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by gardenswithkids

I just read this news article and thought many of you here would find it interesting. Researchers observed that divorce increases the risk of further divorces among family and friends. Here are a couple of sample statistics quoted in the article: Divorce increases a close friend's "risk" of divorce to 75% and increases the stats to 33% for friend's of friends. People with a divorced sibling are 22% more likely to be divorced.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/family/78...ontagious.html

This got me thinking about how my own friends' and families' marriage (and a few divorces) affected my own marriage. I see how these things can connect together to spread throughout the society. And here's philosophical analogy question: If divorce can spread like a virus, is there something that can protect people against divorce like a vaccine?

Don't engage in the negativity for starters. Fight the modern feminization many of us were raised on first by working on erasing it from our minds and second from studying what God truly intended for a woman to be and a man to be (for a woman, Proverbs 31 is a great starting point). Work on being the spouse you always dreamed you'd be instead of focusing on how you wish your spouse would be. But I haven't been married long. However, I have seen so many unhappy and failed marriages that I have been taking notes on what has lead to unhappiness for nearly most of my life.

3GirlsRUs · #3 Jul 8, '10, 8:54 am

Here's a quote I find interesting:

Quote:

When a divorced person confided in someone married, the married person gained knowledge about the benefits and drawbacks of divorce. In the study it appeared most people saw the benefits in divorce.

A friend of mine went through divorce a few years ago. I remember feeling a little bit of envy the fact that she had a child-free weekend every other weekend...then I would feel bad for feeling that way because I could not stand the thought of being away from my children that often and having them completely out of my life all that time. ...but the "freedom" was definitely something that went through my mind.

Obviously, I don't believe that "freedom" is worth the price paid. At. All. But I guess that quote just reminded me how I felt about that back then. Being married and raising a family takes commitment and time. It's time well-spent, but I can see how people would see it as a benefit. It's really sad.

EasterJoy · #4 Jul 8, '10, 9:18 am

It is hard to separate the effects of the first divorce on others from the fact that the people involved are in the same social situation. For instance, a sibling of a divorced person grew up in the same family, and it could be the shared family experience was the true tipping factor in both divorces. Friends might be from work, who share working conditions that stress marriages, leading to divorce. Friends also share attitudes towards marriage and family. It may be that the first marriage that ended in divorce was itself at risk because of the attitudes of the social circle towards divorce.

I won't argue that people don't take permission from their friends' actions, only that the first ones to divorce may have just been the first frogs in the hot pot to cook to doneness.

Phemie · #5 Jul 8, '10, 9:56 am

I agree with the premise having seen it in some of my various social circles -- some circles were strictly social and some were work-related but it was quite obvious that once one man in the circle had what was perceived as "the guts" to call it quits and get a girlfriend, it gave permission to others in that circle to do the same.

When asked
"If Dave hadn't divorced Barb would Steve have asked for a divorce?"

one wife replied,

"No, I doubt it. It seems that Dave's actions gave Steve the permission he needed to do the same."

gardenswithkids · #6 Jul 8, '10, 2:14 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by EasterJoy

It is hard to separate the effects of the first divorce on others from the fact that the people involved are in the same social situation. For instance, a sibling of a divorced person grew up in the same family, and it could be the shared family experience was the true tipping factor in both divorces. ...

It's interesting that in the article the divorce statistics of siblings (22%) wasn't as high as the divorce statistics of friends and close friends.

I also remember the affect that friends' divorce and friend's marriage trouble had on my own marriage. I get the point that 3GirlsRUs made about time alone.

Some friends of my husband and I divorced a few years ago. It had a weird effect on my own marriage. They didn't live near us any longer, but when we had lived closer, my husband and I used to do things with them. We were really thrown off when we learned that couple was divorcing. Similar thing when learning about friends' marriage troubles. It makes you sit up and take notice. It can cause you to re-evaluate your own marriage.

If divorce can spread like a virus, then when we encounter someone who is sick, we wash our hands. I don't mean wash our hands of the persons, but I mean take precautions against germs. I liked Gmarie suggestion of not letting negative thoughts (about spouses) fill our heads.

JerryS · #7 Jul 8, '10, 8:11 pm

It's not limited to divorce. Sin is contagious. I would expect exposure to others committing nearly any sin with impunity to increase the incidence of that (and other) sins.

**jmcrae** · #8 Jul 8, '10, 8:22 pm

I've often suspected that the reason my parents were divorced is because for my father, it was a way to fit in at work - all the other guys were getting them.

Because, really, all of their problems were easily solvable, if he had just been open-minded enough to try. When I was a child, everything just seemed so insurmountable, to me, and I thought they "had" to get divorced, but now, having been married myself for 23 years, and seeing us get through way harder things than my parents ever faced, my Dad just seems - kind of sissie-pantsed - to me.

My mother is really a great person, and very easy to get along with, once you make up your mind to do so. She isn't the wicked witch that he makes her out to be, nor anything close to it.

The vaccine against divorce is, number one, it isn't an option, no matter what happens, and number 2, you give everything you've got to your marriage, and you don't worry about whether the other person is doing an equal amount of work. And three to ten are, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, and, last but not least, communicate.

Did I mention, communicate?

gardenswithkids · #9 Jul 9, '10, 11:35 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmcrae

I've often suspected that the reason my parents were divorced is because for my father, it was a way to fit in at work - all the other guys were getting them.

That is sad.

And it reminds me of something my father used to say. "If everyone else is jumping off a bridge, are you going to jump?"

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmcrae

The vaccine against divorce is, number one, it isn't an option, no matter what happens, and number 2, you give everything you've got to your marriage, and you don't worry about whether the other person is doing an equal amount of work. And three to ten are, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, and, last but not least, communicate.

Did I mention, communicate?

And remember, communication is important too.

Regarding your point 1, back when divorce was a huge taboo, very few couples divorced. (There may be a few valid reasons for divorce, but those are extreme cases.) I'm quite positive there were marital problems back then, but most couples stayed together.

**jmcrae** · #10 Jul 9, '10, 11:48 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by gardenswithkids

Regarding your point 1, back when divorce was a huge taboo, very few couples divorced. (There may be a few valid reasons for divorce, but those are extreme cases.) I'm quite positive there were marital problems back then, but most couples stayed together.

People also knew how to marry well - they just took it for granted that you marry within the same culture, religion, and moral outlook as yourself. You didn't get engaged until after you knew that both sets of parents liked each other, and that the other person's parents liked you. There was far more of a sense that, this was a joining together of two families - today, people don't take those things into consideration any more - they marry the first person who asks them, and hope for the best.

I've also noticed that there are so many people who don't consider their own opposite sex friends as being potential mates -they're looking for princesses from afar, or knights in shining armor - sometimes, they decide to get engaged after six months of dating, having never met before that, without even knowing each other's real names, let alone very much about their religious beliefs or cultural customs.

My observation and experience is that the most successful marriages are between people who have everything in common except their gender.

gardenswithkids · #11 Jul 9, '10, 12:03 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmcrae

People also knew how to marry well - they just took it for granted that you marry within the same culture, religion, and moral outlook as yourself. You didn't get engaged until after you knew that both sets of parents liked each other, and that the other person's parents liked you. There was far more of a sense that, this was a joining together of two families - ...My observation and experience is that the most successful marriages are between people who have everything in common except their gender.

As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. People can stop divorce before it happens by choosing wisely who they marry. That's a great observation!

moon0408 · #12 Jul 16, '10, 4:45 am

Sitting here reading through this thread, it struck me as interesting in my own life. My parents divorced when I was 3, and later, my younger brother was married and divorced twice.

I use those unfortunate circumstances as a means of inspiration to make my marriage succeed, 15 years and going strong. I am a convert and can honestly say that since my conversion to Catholicism, I see my marriage and my family (3 boys) get better and better with each passing year. Having your household as the the Domestic Church is a key component to a strong marriage.

Mayita30 · #13 Jul 16, '10, 9:54 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmcrae

I've often suspected that the reason my parents were divorced is because for my father, it was a way to fit in at work - all the other guys were getting them.

Because, really, all of their problems were easily solvable, if he had just been open-minded enough to try. When I was a child, everything just seemed so insurmountable, to me, and I thought they "had" to get divorced, but now, having been married myself for 23 years, and seeing us get through way harder things than my parents ever faced, my Dad just seems - kind of sissie-pantsed - to me.

My mother is really a great person, and very easy to get along with, once you make up your mind to do so. She isn't the wicked witch that he makes her out to be, nor anything close to it.

The vaccine against divorce is, number one, it isn't an option, no matter what happens, and number 2, you give everything you've got to your marriage, and you don't worry about whether the other person is doing an equal amount of work. And three to ten are, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate, and, last but not least, communicate.

Did I mention, communicate?

NIce advice !!!

manualman · #14 Jul 16, '10, 3:17 pm

I'm surprised nobody has mentioned it yet, but the divorce rate among those who conscienciously refuse to participate in contraception is practically zero.

Some NFP folks tout that as a benefit inherent to NFP. As if it is the NFP practice that innoculates the marriage. I think it is more subtle than that. Living a married sexuality as God intended (true chastity) contains its own self regulating mechanisms. When a healthy couple has a legitimate reason to avoid more children, NFP is a way to do that, but a hard one. That very difficulty serves as sort of a canary in the mineshaft early warning of impending problems. If you can't tolerate the discipline of NFP, the problem isn't usually NFP, it's a problem in the marriage somewhere. Use that early warning to identify and fix the problem before resentment and bitterness are too big to overcome.

NONE of my friends or family that practice NFP or total openness to kids have been divorced. On the other hand, my folks once upon a time practiced NFP, gave it up because of how hard it was and divorced ~10 years later. Of family and friends that do the contraception thing it is about 33% divorce rate. Convincing to me.

Edmundus1581 · #15 Jul 16, '10, 5:57 pm

Well done, researchers, you've caught up with the Catholic Church...

Quote:

2385 Divorce is immoral also because it introduces disorder into the family and into society. This disorder brings grave harm to the deserted spouse, to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them, and because of its contagious effect which makes it truly a plague on society.

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1993