Spanking is Sexual Abuse

SBTheresa · #1 Oct 13, '11, 12:28 pm

If you read this letter (given permission to circulate on condition of anonymity), you will probably never spank your child again. Take that risk, read it, and let me know.

To all parents who spank or are considering spanking their children:

I had good, loving, Catholic parents, who believed in spanking as a form of discipline. I loved my parents, and did not consider them to be abusive. Spankings were given about once a year, between the ages of three and ten. They were always given with the hand, sometimes, but not always, on the bare bottom; they usually consisted of ten to twenty hard smacks. I was told that they were doing this because they loved me, and they wanted me to grow up to be a decent person. (I accepted this without question, although I hated and dreaded the spankings. However, I began to question the necessity of it when I was a teenager and met several nice, polite people who had never been spanked.)

Anyway, I'm in my thirties now. I did grow up to be a decent person. I'm a daughter that any parent would be proud of. I'm a virgin. I always got A's for conduct in school. I never smoked, drank, or took drugs. I'm very well educated. I was extremely successful at university, and have an excellent job now. I am well liked, and am considered to be reliable, kind, sensitive, and caring. I give to charities. I'm active in the Church. I do voluntary work. Obviously I turned out well. I must be a proof of the benefits of spanking.

The problem is - nobody can know the harm it did to me, because I shall never speak of it in public. It is my shameful, dark secret. My well-meaning, loving, Christian parents, sexually abused me, without ANY idea of what they were doing. They were good, innocent people, who wanted the best for their children. They would have known vaguely that there was such a thing as homosexuality, but would certainly not have heard of any deviation that was more unusual.

Are you all fools? Don't you realize that the buttocks are a sexual area, not just because of their closeness to the genitals, but also because of the nerve endings which lead directly to sexual nerve centres? What do you think it does to a child's psychological or sexual well-being to have his or her pants pulled down, to be placed across the parent's lap (which is a sexually-suggestive posture, even if the parent does not perceive it as such), and to have her or her private sexual area violated, and then to be told that this happened because the child is "loved"?

At a young age, as a result of these "non-abusive" spankings, I began to have an unhealthy fascination with the subject. After the spankings, I fantasized about them. How could I have known that I shouldn't? I felt vaguely troubled and embarrassed when the subject of spanking was brought up in public, but in private, I loved fantasizing about it. I would read autobiographies and novels that had chapters about children getting spanked. I did not know that this interest was sexual. I was not well informed about the facts of life, and had no idea that the parts of my body where I felt stirring sensations were connected with anything other than going to the toilet and being spanked. I deliberately sought this exciting feeling for years. I would go into bookshops and look for books on Christian parenting (especially Dr Dobson's books), and I would read extracts and reach a state of arousal. I never spoke about it to anyone: although I did not know that it was sexual, I did know that it was weird.

I was nineteen when I read in some book that some people are sexually stimulated by the thought of corporal punishment. I was horrified, ashamed, and embarrassed. I had always thought I was chaste, because I didn't fornicate. Now I was addicted to this sexual arousal, which I had innocently become accustomed to. It took eight years before I found the courage to tell a priest in confession. He was terribly kind and sensitive, and treated me with the utmost delicacy. Since then, I have managed, with occasional lapses, to stay pure in mind. It was difficult at first, but it IS possible.

(continued in post below)

SBTheresa · #2 Oct 13, '11, 12:29 pm

(continued from above)
If you think that spanking isn't sexual, just type the word into some internet search engine, and see the proportion of pornographic sites to parenting sites. Please don't think that just because YOU'RE not aroused, that it doesn't matter. You don't know what you might be doing to your child. How could my parents have known that their intelligent, well-disciplined, much-loved daughter would end up a sexual pervert? I can forgive them, especially because they didn't know, but your children may not be able to forgive you. I won't have children, because with my sexual deviation I cannot marry. But if I did have children, I would much, much rather have them grow up to be sexually normal and pure, than have them instantly obedient to my parental authority. I did not choose to have this kink. It's weird and perverted; it's embarrassing and humiliating. And it does NOT require abusive parents to bring about this condition. The French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau was spanked twice by his governess, and was tormented by erotic feelings about the subject for the rest of his life. I have learned of many, many other cases of seemingly normal, nice, successful people, who received an occasional spanking from loving parents, and who developed this deviation. Some of them, like me, try to stay pure in mind; some spend their time indulging in spanking fantasies, with the aid of pornographic videos and websites. None say that they are glad they have this tendency. Even if they enjoy and deliberately seek these strange "pleasures" - excitement would be a better word, since it's not really pleasant - they will never enjoy the TRUE pleasure of a loving, chaste, fulfilling, normal sexual relationship. I'm very, very grateful - to that kind priest as well as to God - that I have been set free from the addiction, if not from the tendency.

Please, please don't spank your child.

Ann

The letter can be found here: http://www.nospank.net/ann.htm
Or you can visit www.nospank.net for more information!
Blessings and love to everyone. -Sarah

Mudgely · #3 Oct 13, '11, 12:37 pm

It is true that the nerves in the lower butt are connected to other sexual areas. She has a point. On the other hand, I went to a HS that paddled. There was nothing sexual about it, and the pants stayed up. It works for adolescent boys, and allows them to take responsibility for their own acts simply and directly. I have never advocated spanking girls. If CP is used in schools, it should be standardized with rules.

I don't have an opinion about parents using CP. My general sense is that each child is different, and that a parent should try to modify behavior more with reward then with punishment. There are only so many ways to punish bad behavior, but an endless number of ways to encourage good behavior. I have heard that first born children are more likely to be spanked. As the parents become better at parenting, they don't need to resort to hurting their child.

silicasandra · #4 Oct 13, '11, 1:06 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mudgely

It is true that the nerves in the lower butt are connected to other sexual areas. She has a point. On the other hand, I went to a HS that paddled. There was nothing sexual about it, and the pants stayed up. It works for adolescent boys, and allows them to take responsibility for their own acts simply and directly. I have never advocated spanking girls. If CP is used in schools, it should be standardized with rules.

I don't have an opinion about parents using CP. My general sense is that each child is different, and that a parent should try to modify behavior more with reward then with punishment. There are only so many ways to punish bad behavior, but an endless number of ways to encourage good behavior. I have heard that first born children are more likely to be spanked. As the parents become better at parenting, they don't need to resort to hurting their child.

I got spanked more than my younger siblings did, but I question that it's because my parents learned more about parenting. They just got more lenient.

I was their best-behaved child, but I don't think it's because they spanked me - I think it's because they had higher expectations of my behavior, and when I didn't conform to it, I faced punishment. My younger siblings did/do things all the time that I would have been punished for and my parents don't even comment on it.

My father was the only one who ever spanked me and I think it was because he needed me to be afraid of him so I would mind. My mother disciplined me in other ways and she was the one who taught me right from wrong (instead of, "If I catch you, you're going to get it" - lesson: don't get caught.)

I do think there is something weird about spanking. If other parents want to CP it's their right I suppose, but I just found it humiliating and hurtful, and I never observed a way to use corporal punishment that didn't have that as its intention. I don't desire to ever use punishment to humiliate or hurt a child as I don't think discipline is about those things. But since DS is only 6 months old I will entirely admit I don't have experience from the parent-side, only what I witnessed as a child.

tgauchsin · #5 Oct 13, '11, 1:37 pm

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments." One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my "tough love" sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.

juno24 · #6 Oct 13, '11, 3:02 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by tgauchsin

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments." One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my "tough love" sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.

LOL! I needed a good laugh tonight.

tgauchsin · #7 Oct 13, '11, 5:12 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by juno24

LOL! I needed a good laugh tonight.

I'm glad it brightened your day. I was hoping someone would get a good laugh out of it.

Peace.

coco2 · #8 Oct 13, '11, 5:33 pm

I was spanked, with my Dad's belt across the butt when I needed it. My brothers were spanked more often because they could get crazy wild in the house. This was in the 50's and 60's. Sexual? Absolutely not. Leave marks? Not sure, cause I couldn't see back there. Who cares? I straightened up. So did the boys. None of us grew up to rob banks, rape women, or treat people badly. I also spanked my own children with a hand on their bottom ( clothed) Usually only 1-3 swats, one with each word I was saying : STOP (1 SWAT) STOP IT ( 2 swats) STOP IT NOW! ( 3 swats). I mostly used time out, but there were times that things needed stopped immediately and there was no time to negotiate. I asked them once if they remembered ever being spanked and they all said no! I had wondered if they would remember it and if it was humiliating for them. Nope.

I ill pray for you, OP. You clearly need to get some help, emotionally and spiritually. Confess these feelings to a priest and ask God for the grace needed to stop having these feelings. God bless!

Lethe · #9 Oct 13, '11, 5:49 pm

I find it interesting how many of you defend spanking :/ seeing as it's not a necessary part of disciplining a child and clearly can cause sexual issues, even if it hasn't for you in particular. It's better to be safe than sorry surely...?

I was never spanked, and I think I turned out ok. I definitely care about ethics anyway, which so many people don't these days, and I never disobeyed my parents on anything big. They let me have my own opinion on most things though, so I guess there was no cause for rebellion.

My parents were atheists but arguably because of their liberalism I have grown up able to explore all beliefs and am interested in Catholicism (why I'm here.) I'm interested how a lot of you assume that strict parenting and cp are the best bet, when actually liberal attitudes can (in my experience) work out fine. Why hit your child if you do not have to?

**pnewton** · #10 Oct 13, '11, 6:11 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lethe

I find it interesting how many of you defend spanking :/ seeing as it's not a necessary part of disciplining a child and clearly can cause sexual issues, even if it hasn't for you in particular. It's better to be safe than sorry surely...

I defend people minding their own business when it comes to others' parenting. Not spanking can cause lack of discipline, children without boundries and, in the final reckoning, Hell. What matters most to me is whether my children will spend eternity with God or eternity separated from God.

Oh, and I think the sex connection is a load of bunk. Clear my eye. Your post just begs the question. If one believed what you believe, then they would agree with you.

Catholic90 · #11 Oct 13, '11, 7:36 pm

I will give you a situation when I spanked my children.

I had all the necessary safety plugs in all the empty outlets. Yet my 2 year old was very interested in one outlet in particular. He could unplug the lamp I had plugged into the open outlet, and he was INSISTENT on playing with the plug and outlet. He was fascinated by how the plug fit in there and kept trying to touch it, etc. Despite removing him from the area, distracting him with other things, firmly stating NO, and numerous other methods, he kept returning and returning and returning. I had an infant to also care for at the time, and one day as I sat down to nurse the infant, the 2 year old once again got to the outlet. So I spanked him, one firm swat on his diapered butt! He was so shocked that he never ever again went to the outlet. He associated the plug with the swat.

He somehow survived to turn 20 years old this month, and he is none the worse for wear for the swat! He visits, calls, texts, or emails me regularly from college, and is a great human being and student.

Lethe · #12 Oct 14, '11, 4:42 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by pnewton

I defend people minding their own business when it comes to others' parenting. Not spanking can cause lack of discipline, children without boundries and, in the final reckoning, Hell. What matters most to me is whether my children will spend eternity with God or eternity separated from God.

Oh, and I think the sex connection is a load of bunk. Clear my eye. Your post just begs the question. If one believed what you believe, then they would agree with you.

What exactly do I believe, then? That's a pretty snide remark to slip in, just because I'm not a Catholic. Not all people are born Catholics...

No one I know who has been spanked is the worse off for it, but if there's a possibility that spanking does cause sexual perversion, surely that could lead a child to Hell as well?!

My point was just that if it isn't necessary, why do it? Most of the people I know were not spanked (to my knowledge, though of course the subject does not come up very often) and are equally good people to the ones that I know were spanked.

Or is it just the case that different children need different approaches, so some of them won't need it, whilst others will?

anodos · #13 Oct 16, '11, 7:33 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by tgauchsin

Most of America's populace think it improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have one of "those moments." One that I found effective is for me to just take the child for a car ride and talk. Some say it's the vibration from the car, others say it's the time away from any distractions such as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our car ride together.

I've included a photo of one of my "tough love" sessions, in case you would like to use the technique.

defenderoftruth · #14 Oct 16, '11, 7:37 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChiRho

Why don't you understand the difference between a few open palm slaps on the behind to correct behavior and viciously and senselessly maiming someone? (beating the **** out of someone as you so crassly put it, which no one has ever advocated)

It's like claiming that sending a child to time out for a few mins is the same as locking them in a basement for 20 years, feeding them through a slot under the door. They aren't at all alike, although they are both forms of punishment.

I totally agree (but I don't use my palm for several reasons-could hurt the child and they need to understand mommy and daddy's hands are to hold and get hugs from) but Veritas (whatever their name is) won't EVER agree and that much is clear they will never see anything but "hitting", beating", "bullying", "humiliating" etc. when someone says they "spank" their kid. I gave them the facts that my state approves of corporal punishment and I do use it to keep my kids safe and respectful when they directly disobey me after being instructed that the said offense is wrong. (I don't just spank off the bat the kid is told three times eye to eye in a clear tone not to do or to do something and if they choose to disobey they will be spanked-not to be mistaken with "three chances" but they are told BEFORE the offense can or will occur what is unacceptable and only then after ignoring that and choosing to disobey they are disciplined). I'm not some idiot like these "you beat your kid" people would like to think. I've read books on exactly how to discipline, what to say/not say and to be in total control of yourself without anger when disciplining. The child must be told how much you love them and the truth about how much you HATE spanking them. NO loving parent likes to spank their kids. It's breaks my heart to see them cry and it breaks my heart to spank them but I KNOW in the long run it's for their own safety/good.

styrgwillidar · #15 Oct 13, '11, 3:03 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mudgely

I don't have an opinion about parents using CP. My general sense is that each child is different, and that a parent should try to modify behavior more with reward then with punishment. There are only so many ways to punish bad behavior, but an endless number of ways to encourage good behavior. I have heard that first born children are more likely to be spanked. As the parents become better at parenting, they don't need to resort to hurting their child.

Concur. The kid actually picks the punishment/reward because the parent ends up learning what works with each child. I never was suprised when I got a spanking, I knew the rules, weighed the risks of getting caught vs the likely punishment. And when I was younger, the knowledge that a spanking was a likely consequence did modify my behavior.

If the only thing that will keep your child from running into the street, or away from you in a parking lot is the knowledge that two swift swats to the butt will be the result, well you as the parent will do what it takes to keep your kid safe.