1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married/Things You Wish You Knew Before You Got Married

[trinichiqn]

These are 2 books that I am thinking of buying. I am not looking for reviews, I have already gotten those. What I am looking for is questions, topics, discussion points that others discussed or wished they had discussed before the had gotten married.

My guy and I are having these conversations, we have discussed kids, we both want a lot, our numbers mesh if not match. We have touched on our single life. We are long distance so we do need a deep conversation on where to live but we have briefly touched on somethings.

So I'm looking for ideas, specific questions or broad topics or points.

[TheRealJuliane]

Pretty much, I would want to see him around his family, meet his family, see the dynamics, know about their relationships. Especially his relationship with his mother, but also his father. Are there any addictions? How does the larger extended family get along? Are they close? Is there any known mental illness or personality disorder? I just don't know if I could marry without being aware of the impact of the person's family of origin. It's negatively impacting my life, and I completely underestimated the importance of this factor. I assumed that a person who was independent and supporting himself, with a profession, was healthy in terms of his family relationships. Wrong assumption. Unless the person has done therapy, if he came from a dysfunctional home, AVOID it.

Money, of course. What does it mean to him, how does he handle it, is he materialistic?

Belief in ALL the Church's teaching, not just Mass and the sacraments. What would happen if one of our children happened to get pregnant, for example? This would have to be talked about more than once, in more than one context. You'd be surprised how many people are *supposedly* against contraception and abortion, until it happens to *their* kid.

Work. Does he want me to work even after the kids are born? Did his mom work? Does his dad enjoy work, is there any sign of workaholism?

[trinichiqn]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Pretty much, I would want to see him around his family, meet his family, see the dynamics, know about their relationships. Especially his relationship with his mother, but also his father. Are there any addictions? How does the larger extended family get along? Are they close? Is there any known mental illness or personality disorder? I just don't know if I could marry without being aware of the impact of the person's family of origin. It's negatively impacting my life, and I completely underestimated the importance of this factor. I assumed that a person who was independent and supporting himself, with a profession, was healthy in terms of his family relationships. Wrong assumption. Unless the person has done therapy, if he came from a dysfunctional home, AVOID it.

Money, of course. What does it mean to him, how does he handle it, is he materialistic?

Belief in ALL the Church's teaching, not just Mass and the sacraments. What would happen if one of our children happened to get pregnant, for example? This would have to be talked about more than once, in more than one context. You'd be surprised how many people are *supposedly* against contraception and abortion, until it happens to *their* kid.

Work. Does he want me to work even after the kids are born? Did his mom work? Does his dad enjoy work, is there any sign of workaholism?

He is close to his parents, he's an only child, he has a strong sense of duty to them. He has a full time job and he still helps out at the family business. I don't know if that qualifies him as a workaholic or a really good son. We are on the same page as to the Church's teachings.

Thank you for the other suggestions, never thought about some of those things.

[garn9173]

Things You Wish You Knew Before You Got Married

That she was a total control freak.

[mab23]

Originally Posted by garn9173

That she was a total control freak.

lol!

[L piperatus]

Originally Posted by mab23

lol!

Yeah, garn9173's answer also made me laugh but he has an excellent point about people's habits and character - those things may not be revealed in a conversation. You will need to spend time with the person and observe their behavior. And even then, you still need some luck not to stumble upon a bait-and-switch type of deceiver who will behave nicely during the courtship, but change his behavior fundamentally after the marriage

[horselvr]

I think family dynamics are also very important and to pay attention to how they interact with one another.

Honestly though, the rest of the stuff is I think a **** shoot. One day you both want a lot of kids until the first or the second one is born and then the whole marriage changes and one of you realizes that they are not getting enough attention or their tired of their lives and finances revolving around the kids, the wife is too tired in the evenings after chasing kids and cleaning house and some also work outside of the home on top of all that and so on and so forth.

Things, sometimes just change eventhough the couple have talked things blue in the face. That's life.

[IgnatiusDaughtr]

Since you are long distance, spend some extended time in the same place and date. I have a good friend who was dating her husband long distance due to graduate school. She moved to the city where his family lives for a summer (when he was also staying there in between military deployments) and rented an apartment for 3 months. This way they could date, they could see each other multiple times a week, and she could get to know his family. They also took a few trips to her hometown during that time, so he could get to know her family. Nothing totally prepares you for marriage, but this gave them much more insight into being with each other on a daily basis.

Since he is an only child, be sure you talk about care for aging parents. When my DH and I did our pre-Cana retreat, this was the one area that we hadn't talked about. I'm an only child too, so the care of my parents will fall entirely to us (my DH has 2 sisters and a brother, and they all live much closer to my in-laws than we do, since we are out of state). DH had assumed that one of my parents will live with us in the future, and is totally okay with that - it helps that he gets along amazingly well with my parents, but they spent a lot of time getting to know each other before we were married as well.

[trinichiqn]

Originally Posted by IgnatiusDaughtr

Since you are long distance, spend some extended time in the same place and date. I have a good friend who was dating her husband long distance due to graduate school. She moved to the city where his family lives for a summer (when he was also staying there in between military deployments) and rented an apartment for 3 months. This way they could date, they could see each other multiple times a week, and she could get to know his family. They also took a few trips to her hometown during that time, so he could get to know her family. Nothing totally prepares you for marriage, but this gave them much more insight into being with each other on a daily basis.

Since he is an only child, be sure you talk about care for aging parents. When my DH and I did our pre-Cana retreat, this was the one area that we hadn't talked about. I'm an only child too, so the care of my parents will fall entirely to us (my DH has 2 sisters and a brother, and they all live much closer to my in-laws than we do, since we are out of state). DH had assumed that one of my parents will live with us in the future, and is totally okay with that - it helps that he gets along amazingly well with my parents, but they spent a lot of time getting to know each other before we were married as well.

I have considered taking care of his parents especially since he is already so apart of their lives and I am okay with it since I grew up with my grandmother at home and everybody doing their part for my great-grandmother before she died a couple of years ago but we should actually have a conversation about it.

[mommamia]

Meet the family I wish someone had pointed out to me that I am not only getting a husband, but whole slew of in-laws. DH and I had great pre-nuptial prep at the church, but this wasn't brought up.

The first couple of years we spent a lot of time arguing over boundaries for both sides. If we had discussed some of these things before hand, it would have been better. Especially when it came to our son. DH was just used to letting his mom do as she pleased, I was not amused when she redecorated the nursery while I was at work I was used to my alcoholic mom treating me like ****, DH told her to get out if she couldn't be civil.....

There are so many things to talk about before marriage: faith, finances, children are the big ones, but also housekeeping responsibilities, dinner time, how much time with friends, pets, and a thousand other things I can't think of.

[violetandgandal]

No matter how much your views mesh, a relationship can't really be carried on long distance. My wife and I have been married for over 34 years. We dated very briefly, then corresponded frequently, discussing a lot of things, but this did not prepare us for actually living together. The first years were especially rough. Intellectual agreement on topics of mutual concern is good, but I just don't think people can grow into a relationship of real love long distance. If you don't live near enough to carry on a courtship, then you need to visit/vacation near each other frequently enough to develop that relationship. Good luck.

[trinichiqn]

Originally Posted by violetandgandal

No matter how much your views mesh, a relationship can't really be carried on long distance. My wife and I have been married for over 34 years. We dated very briefly, then corresponded frequently, discussing a lot of things, but this did not prepare us for actually living together. The first years were especially rough. Intellectual agreement on topics of mutual concern is good, but I just don't think people can grow into a relationship of real love long distance. If you don't live near enough to carry on a courtship, then you need to visit/vacation near each other frequently enough to develop that relationship. Good luck.

Visiting is involved but whether you are LDR or not I don't think anyone is prepared for the actuality of living together.

[GEddie]

Originally Posted by trinichiqn

Visiting is involved but whether you are LDR or not I don't think anyone is prepared for the actuality of living together.

True enough.

I myself would never again get into an intercity relationship (unless the 2 cities were Washington DC and Bethesda, Md, or equivalent, LOL.)

The Spanish language has a saying that translates: "Love from afar is the love between fools". And my experience has been that that is true.

God Bless and ICXC NIKA

[agnes therese]

Finances, finances, finances --
How much debt, if any, do each of you have?
If you have debt, what is the plan for paying it off?
What is each of your general attitudes toward money -- I want it so I'll buy it on credit and worry about it later? I want it,therefore I'll save up for it and pay cash?
How do you each feel about budgeting?
When do you want to buy a house? 15-yr vs. 30-yr mortgage?
How do each of your families deal with money? do one or both families have a tendency to go into debt?
What are your long-term financial goals?
What's the health insurance situation for both of you, and what will it be after marriage?

These may sound like things to be decided after marriage, but really, you need to be sure you're on the same page before you marry.

[cmscms]

The reason I never married is because there were certain things I could not compromise on and they were discussed at lenght. Here is what was important to me

The number of kids was nearly important as how to bring them up
1-) How will we save for their education