Donor conception

Litcrit · #1 Apr 30, '12, 12:11 pm

I was told about a year ago I was donor conceived. My social/legal/intended/alleged father is not my biological father.

I am now feeling like I may have realized who my biological father is. This has tremendous emotional significance to me. If anyone can find it in their heart to pray for me to get confirmation and closure, I'd appreciate it very much.

The man I suspect of being my father is dead, as is his wife, who was infertile. Me knowing would not disrupt anyone's life or family.

Oh, and if anyone's considering using an anonymous donor to conceive your child and then possibly lie to your child about it, don't. Just, please, don't.

Thank you.

shainski · #2 Apr 30, '12, 1:02 pm

My prayers to you. I will never be able to fully understand what it is you feel. I hope that you are able to obtain closure on this.

You last sentence begs a question. Do you suggest that one "not consider using an anonymous donor" or "not lying about it"?

Would your pain be less if you had always known?

Litcrit · #3 Apr 30, '12, 1:17 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by shainski

My prayers to you. I will never be able to fully understand what it is you feel. I hope that you are able to obtain closure on this.

You last sentence begs a question. Do you suggest that one "not consider using an anonymous donor" or "not lying about it"?

Would your pain be less if you had always known?

Thank you.

Both. There's a good reason why the Church forbids using third party gametes. Every person has the right to know where they come from.

kerebos · #4 Apr 30, '12, 1:49 pm

I don't mean to pick at an emotional wound, however, would you say the same about adopted children as well? Should they be told that they are adopted at an early age?

I understand that such information can be very trying, but fundamentally did it change your life? Did the man who raised you treat you like you were his child? Did he love you like you were his child? Did it make any difference that you were not of his DNA?

I hope you find peace. Remember that Jesus was not raised by his biological father, and I think He turned out okay.

Litcrit · #5 Apr 30, '12, 1:59 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerebos

I don't mean to pick at an emotional wound, however, would you say the same about adopted children as well? Should they be told that they are adopted at an early age?

I understand that such information can be very trying, but fundamentally did it change your life? Did the man who raised you treat you like you were his child? Did he love you like you were his child? Did it make any difference that you were not of his DNA?

I hope you find peace. Remember that Jesus was not raised by his biological father, and I think He turned out okay.

Jesus was not prevented from knowing who his real father was - quite the contrary, really.

If people raising other people's biological offspring followed Joseph's example (remember, no negative reaction at all when Jesus said he was going about His Father's business at 12 years of age) there would be fewer problems.

Also, remember, Moses was adopted. If he hadn't found out about this and embraced his heritage and identity, he would have possibly become a pharaoh.

The man who raised me is a malignant narcissist. I have no idea if he'd have really treated his biological offspring any better, but there's a reason this particular man is sterile. I was relieved to know I wasn't related to him.

kerebos · #6 Apr 30, '12, 2:40 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

The man who raised me is a malignant narcissist. I have no idea if he'd have really treated his biological offspring any better, but there's a reason this particular man is sterile. I was relieved to know I wasn't related to him.

Oh, I seemed to have misinterpreted your situation.

You wished to know your biological father because you did not have a good relationship with the man who raised you? Since you didn't know until your biological father had passed away, you were then unable to develop a relationship with him.

In any case, I still wish you peace. The main point of my message is that this new information doesn't really change the past - although you may see some things in a new light. I'm not saying you should act like you don't know, but it might not be prudent to act any differently than had you not known. Don't let this overtake or redefine who you are.

Litcrit · #7 Apr 30, '12, 2:59 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerebos

Oh, I seemed to have misinterpreted your situation.

You wished to know your biological father because you did not have a good relationship with the man who raised you? Since you didn't know until your biological father had passed away, you were then unable to develop a relationship with him.

In any case, I still wish you peace. The main point of my message is that this new information doesn't really change the past - although you may see some things in a new light. I'm not saying you should act like you don't know, but it might not be prudent to act any differently than had you not known. Don't let this overtake or redefine who you are.

Because? That's an overstatement. Many, if not most, human beings want to know their biological parents. It's normal. It's natural. There's no shame in it. This doesn't necessarily change if the person has a good relationship with her social parents - the desire to know is still usually there.

I knew the man I believe to be my biological father - he was a decent, intelligent man who paid more positive attention to me in those several times we talked than my "father" ever did. Confirmation of this does redefine who I am, in a very positive way.

I'm definitely acting like I don't know, because I'm afraid of what the man who raised me might do to me if he knew I know.

shainski · #8 Apr 30, '12, 3:13 pm

It sounds like the only person who would know is your mother. But it sounds like your "social" father may take it out on her if she were to tell you. Are you unable to get even a moment to speak to her without his presence? Is she unwilling to go into this subject again?

In the absence of speaking to your mother and Short of actual DNA testing (if you could secure a DNA sample from the man you suspect is your biological father), I don't know how you correct this situation.

I can't pretend to understand the thirst you have for this knowledge. I pray that you can handle the lack of definitively knowing.

Litcrit · #9 Apr 30, '12, 3:26 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by shainski

It sounds like the only person who would know is your mother. But it sounds like your "social" father may take it out on her if she were to tell you. Are you unable to get even a moment to speak to her without his presence? Is she unwilling to go into this subject again?

In the absence of speaking to your mother and Short of actual DNA testing (if you could secure a DNA sample from the man you suspect is your biological father), I don't know how you correct this situation.

I can't pretend to understand the thirst you have for this knowledge. I pray that you can handle the lack of definitively knowing.

My mother died ten years ago. She tried to tell me then, but only gave me a bit of information (she told me my "father" was sterile. I was too afraid to ask any further questions.) My aunt, her sister, told me they'd used someone else's sperm.

My suspected biological father is also dead. His niece is alive and I might use her DNA to check if we're first cousins. But I won't see her for several months.

She sent me some photos. I look so much like him. My older daughter even more so. But I can't allow myself to feel secure in this intuitive knowledge until I have some objective confirmation.

medaroge · #10 Apr 30, '12, 9:26 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

there's a reason this particular man is sterile. I was relieved to know I wasn't related to him.

wow.

Litcrit · #11 Apr 30, '12, 11:05 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by medaroge

wow.

God sometimes very obviously knows what he's doing. A brief psychological evaluation would have proved he was not a good candidate for adoption, and no one would entrust a child to him, so if they hadn't gone against Church teaching, he would have never had a child.

TheRealJuliane · #12 May 1, '12, 5:45 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

God sometimes very obviously knows what he's doing. A brief psychological evaluation would have proved he was not a good candidate for adoption, and no one would entrust a child to him, so if they hadn't gone against Church teaching, he would have never had a child.

remember...He didn't really have a child. Your mother bore a daughter, you are no relation to him. He didn't want a child but a clone or someone he could use. That is how NPDs work. No one is real to them except themselves.

I hope your cousin will give you a DNA sample. I will keep you in my prayers. Your situation really moves me.

Gena · #13 May 1, '12, 6:39 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

I was told about a year ago I was donor conceived. My social/legal/intended/alleged father is not my biological father.

I am now feeling like I may have realized who my biological father is. This has tremendous emotional significance to me. If anyone can find it in their heart to pray for me to get confirmation and closure, I'd appreciate it very much.

The man I suspect of being my father is dead, as is his wife, who was infertile. Me knowing would not disrupt anyone's life or family.

Oh, and if anyone's considering using an anonymous donor to conceive your child and then possibly lie to your child about it, don't. Just, please, don't.

Thank you.

I am an adult adoptee. I was adopted as an infant. My adoptive parents are wonderful people and I have a very close, loving relationship with them. But that did not stop me from needing to know the truth of my biological origins. When I was in my early 20s I search for my biological parents. My adoptive parents were fully supportive of this. I was able to meet my biological mother. Although she chose not to continue to have a relationship with me, it gave me a lot of closure and peace to get to know her a little and learn about her life. My biological father died before I even knew his name. I still wish that I could have gotten the chance to meet him at least once.

What you are feeling is very common and normal for someone in your situation. (And unfortunately, your situation is more common than you might think.) Many people who do not have this experience will not understand how you feel. It is difficult or impossible to explain it to them. You might want to consider attending a support group for adult adoptees. More and more donor children are joining these groups, as it is a safe place to discuss these feelings in the company of people who understand.

Prayers for you, that you may find the peace and closure you seek.

Litcrit · #14 May 1, '12, 6:50 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

remember...He didn't really have a child. Your mother bore a daughter, you are no relation to him. He didn't want a child but a clone or someone he could use. That is how NPDs work. No one is real to them except themselves.

I hope your cousin will give you a DNA sample. I will keep you in my prayers. Your situation really moves me.

So true. Unfortunately, I gather you also have experience with NPDs. My condolences.

Thank you for your prayers. I pray that you too arise fully healed from anything you may have suffered at the hands of narcissistically disordered people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gena

I am an adult adoptee. I was adopted as an infant. My adoptive parents are wonderful people and I have a very close, loving relationship with them. But that did not stop me from needing to know the truth of my biological origins. When I was in my early 20s I search for my biological parents. My adoptive parents were fully supportive of this. I was able to meet my biological mother. Although she chose not to continue to have a relationship with me, it gave me a lot of closure and peace to get to know her a little and learn about her life. My biological father died before I even knew his name. I still wish that I could have gotten the chance to meet him at least once.

What you are feeling is very common and normal for someone in your situation. (And unfortunately, your situation is more common than you might think.) Many people who do not have this experience will not understand how you feel. It is difficult or impossible to explain it to them. You might want to consider attending a support group for adult adoptees. More and more donor children are joining these groups, as it is a safe place to discuss these feelings in the company of people who understand.

Prayers for you, that you may find the peace and closure you seek.

Thank you so much for the prayers and for the understanding. I can only imagine how hard it must be to "come out" as a curious adoptee when wanting to know where you came from is so often equated with ingratitude and hurting your real parents.

Did you learn anything at all about your biological father? Any pictures or biographical information? Any living relatives who could share anecdotes?

Gena · #15 May 1, '12, 7:06 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

Did you learn anything at all about your biological father? Any pictures or biographical information? Any living relatives who could share anecdotes?

I do know quite a bit about my biological father. I have copies of many of his records, including his death certificate and his military record. I also found some a couple of articles from the local paper by googling him. He has some living relatives, including two siblings. He had other children late in life and I would like to wait until those children are older before contacting his relatives. It's a hard decision, but right now I am at peace with it and I can wait.