Boyfriend and mental illness

miss5678 · #1 Jun 13, '12, 3:28 am

Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. Things have been going really well. We are both practising Catholics and in our early 30s and I am so happy to be able to share my faith with him and vice versa. He has so many qualities of what I would want in a future husband. However, there is something on my mind. As we are getting to know each other more and more, I notice that he has some underlying issues that seem to suggest that he has some levels of depression and mental illness. I can't pinpoint exactly how serious it is, but its starting to bother me. He has told me things about his past that relate to being teased in school which in turn has caused low self esteem and low self confidence when growing up. His family are not practising Catholics so he gets strange looks, sarcastic comments or sometimes the silent treatment when he may mention something that he has done that is faith related. He tends to just keep his faith life private from them, but it concerns me that all these things are doing damage to his emotional and mental state. My family are very openly Catholic and sharing my faith openly with family is something very normal to me.

My boyfriend has told me that he has at times had anxiety attacks, panic attacks and sometimes feels like he couldn't shoulder the thoughts of being a responsible husband and father because he has always been made to feel that he is good for nothing and discouraged in life.

I don't know how to make sense of all of this and how to handle this situation. Do I support him and be patient and pray? I get scared that it may get worse. I am wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this before? How did you deal with it? We are happy for the most part, but I fear that this issue could become bigger than what it is, especially after marriage.

Thank you and bless you,
Miss5678

Em_in_FL · #2 Jun 13, '12, 4:08 am

Hi... I'm so sorry your boyfriend seems to be struggling. Sounds like you're a very good girlfriend to be so concerned for his overall welfare.

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss5678

My boyfriend has told me that he has at times had anxiety attacks, panic attacks and sometimes feels like he couldn't shoulder the thoughts of being a responsible husband and father because he has always been made to feel that he is good for nothing and discouraged in life.

I don't know how to make sense of all of this and how to handle this situation. Do I support him and be patient and pray? I get scared that it may get worse. I am wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this before? How did you deal with it? We are happy for the most part, but I fear that this issue could become bigger than what it is, especially after marriage.

Thank you and bless you,
Miss5678

This is quite telling and brave for him to admit these feelings to you. I think it would be wise to lovingly encourage him to seek professional help... through counseling and/or seeking medical advice for his symptoms. Remind him that you are there to support him and help him through this struggle. YES, absolutely... your job is to support him and be patient and pray... but the actual progression to finding peace, and possible healing, in this situation may require professional/medical attention.

Prayers for you and your boyfriend.

trials · #3 Jun 13, '12, 4:26 am

It sounds like a lot of unresolved tensions are concerning him. But definitely, definitely try and explore the roots of these with a therapist, maybe suggest some individual counselling for him and possibly joint counselling for the two of you before marriage. You're right to be concerned especially if he is expressing these worries to you too. While they may never materialise into problems and may just be a lack of confidence in himself, you don't want to sweep them under the carpet or put a sticking plaster on them for now - wounds that haven't healed properly are known for getting infected, and you don't want this to happen after marriage.

TheRealJuliane · #4 Jun 13, '12, 5:24 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss5678

Hello,

I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year now. Things have been going really well. We are both practising Catholics and in our early 30s and I am so happy to be able to share my faith with him and vice versa. He has so many qualities of what I would want in a future husband. However, there is something on my mind. As we are getting to know each other more and more, I notice that he has some underlying issues that seem to suggest that he has some levels of depression and mental illness. I can't pinpoint exactly how serious it is, but its starting to bother me. He has told me things about his past that relate to being teased in school which in turn has caused low self esteem and low self confidence when growing up. His family are not practising Catholics so he gets strange looks, sarcastic comments or sometimes the silent treatment when he may mention something that he has done that is faith related. He tends to just keep his faith life private from them, but it concerns me that all these things are doing damage to his emotional and mental state. My family are very openly Catholic and sharing my faith openly with family is something very normal to me.

My boyfriend has told me that he has at times had anxiety attacks, panic attacks and sometimes feels like he couldn't shoulder the thoughts of being a responsible husband and father because he has always been made to feel that he is good for nothing and discouraged in life.

I don't know how to make sense of all of this and how to handle this situation. Do I support him and be patient and pray? I get scared that it may get worse. I am wondering if anyone has experienced anything like this before? How did you deal with it? We are happy for the most part, but I fear that this issue could become bigger than what it is, especially after marriage.

Thank you and bless you,
Miss5678

While you are dating him, take it for granted that this is who he is, now and forever. Can you live with him AS HE IS NOW? Do not assume that he will get over his wounds without therapy. Will he ever get therapy? Even if he does, will it help him? These are things that you cannot take for granted. No one is perfect but I believe that you need to accept the person as he currently stands, assuming nothing will change. Of course in reality, people do change and grow over time, but this is not a project to undertake and you should never assume that the person you see will become the person you wish he was or you think he could be, if he worked on it hard enough.

He is already expressing anxiety about marriage, even when no marriage is in the near future. I would be very, very cautious about making a commitment to this man. IMO, he is not ready for the emotional intimacy of a marriage, nor does he seem to have the personal confidence to be the leader of his home.

**Trishie** · #5 Jun 13, '12, 6:55 am

I know how difficult it is to live with someone suffering from long-term depression, stress, and all that goes with these things.
And I also know the effect it has on one's children.
I would tend to encourage anyone to think carefully before choosing to spend the rest of their life with someone who doesn't cope with ordinary life.

It can be desperately unhappy sometimes if you can make no radical difference, only do 'band-aid stuff", because ultimately each is responsible for their own happiness and all the effort in the world cannot lift, for long, a chronically depressed person. And yes, it did get worse, at times barely tolerable...but none of us here know your boyfriend or how deep his issues are, and whether or not God wishes you to shoulder his cross with him.

However, if you can help him towards recovery as a good friend that will be good, although it is extremely difficult to throw off attitudes of negativity and depression from childhood.
Juliane is right. If he does have mental illness and chronic depression, then consider what you will be putting yourself and your children through. My own mother warned, "Don't imagine you can ever change a man."However, may God's will be done.
Your choices are between you and God, and I hope and pray that he will find a way to recover. Who knows if you can be part of that healing...

The indications that you mention of course may not be as bad as he thinks or as you fear. Perhaps your caring may help, but when my beautiful granddaughter said her boyfriend was unhappy with his job I anxiously asked her if this meant he was a negative person, prone to dissatisfaction...because I want her to live a happy life...and she assured me with a smile that wasn't the case, that he's generally positive.

For now I think I'd say, don't rush into anything, and see what you can do for his confidence: and perhaps discuss with him whether or not he needs to talk out his issues with anyone. And avoid rushing towards anything where you have serious doubts. As you both are practicing Catholics, you have faith and prayer in common, and trust in God. May God guide you.

jazzy0710 · #6 Jun 13, '12, 7:36 am

Well, I know all to well how he feels because I have been there too.

What was his childhood like? Did he have problems in school with paying attention and loosing things?

I ask because Depression and Anxiety can stem from undiagnosed ADHD.

Get him into a Psychologist. I've been seeing one now for a few months. It really helps.

SecretaryMonday · #7 Jun 13, '12, 8:07 am

I can't give an example of living with mental illness, but my father was emotionally abused as a child (probably depressed too) and would experience destructive flashbacks. If your boyfriend is struggling with similar pain, he may be a truly kind and good man, but it can feel like living with a bomb that frequently goes off without warning. If you are considering marriage, definitely go to counseling if possible, and realize that there will likely be times you may need to step out of the role of "wife" and be his "caregiver" instead. As "wife" you might take the explosions personally; as "caregiver", realize that, when he explodes, it probably isn't really about you.

**catharina** · #8 Jun 13, '12, 5:31 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

While you are dating him, take it for granted that this is who he is, now and forever. Can you live with him AS HE IS NOW? Do not assume that he will get over his wounds without therapy. Will he ever get therapy? Even if he does, will it help him? These are things that you cannot take for granted. No one is perfect but I believe that you need to accept the person as he currently stands, assuming nothing will change. Of course in reality, people do change and grow over time, but this is not a project to undertake and you should never assume that the person you see will become the person you wish he was or you think he could be, if he worked on it hard enough.

He is already expressing anxiety about marriage, even when no marriage is in the near future. I would be very, very cautious about making a commitment to this man. IMO, he is not ready for the emotional intimacy of a marriage, nor does he seem to have the personal confidence to be the leader of his home.

Wonderful response.
You're terrifc, Juliane

Sugabee43 · #9 Jun 14, '12, 1:37 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by catharina

Wonderful response.
You're terrifc, Juliane

Yeah, where were you when I needed this advice, Juliane?

miss5678 · #10 Jun 19, '12, 3:50 am

Hello everyone,

Thank you all so much for your time and effort in writing back to me and also for your prayers. I really need them so much. This is my first post on this website and I am overwhelmed with the response. I hadn't checked my account in the past days because I didn't think anyone would reply and I am just floored with the outpouring of care, thoughts, advice and wise counsel. Thank you so much.

It was good to read all your replies and I couldn't agree more when you say that I have to accept my boyfriend the way he is now without any change.

Sugabee4, I appreciate your openness and honesty. It must be so hard for you. I will keep you in my prayers. My dad experienced clinical depression for a short time in his life (nearly 2 years) and that was enough to turn our peaceful family life into complete turmoil. He is over it now and back to normal, thanks be to God. I hope and pray that your husband gets better too.

My boyfriend has gone to see a doctor some years back who gave him antidepressants. He felt that the doctor was more interested in getting him to take tablets than to sit down and really listen to what he had to say. That has turned him off going to see any specialist.

I think I just need to observe, pray, discern and listen to God's voice in this relationship and see where God wants to take us. I have to discern whether this man is the man that God wants to be as my husband. One area I struggle with is, where do I draw the line to say "this is too much". I mean in the sense that no one is perfect and I can't expect to marry a perfect person. Everyone is going to have a weakness. I guess I will just have to ask myself honestly "Can I live with this person with no change day in and day out for the rest of my life?". I guess with time and through grace, God will show me the way.

Sometimes I just find it hard since so much of me wants to get married and settle down, and I am trying to think objectively about this, because its so easy to forget reality. For that reason, I am grateful to all of you for telling me things objectively, even if its not what I may want to hear.

Bless you all. I will pray for all of you.

TheRealJuliane · #11 Jun 19, '12, 6:18 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss5678

Hello everyone,

Thank you all so much for your time and effort in writing back to me and also for your prayers. I really need them so much. This is my first post on this website and I am overwhelmed with the response. I hadn't checked my account in the past days because I didn't think anyone would reply and I am just floored with the outpouring of care, thoughts, advice and wise counsel. Thank you so much.

It was good to read all your replies and I couldn't agree more when you say that I have to accept my boyfriend the way he is now without any change.

Sugabee4, I appreciate your openness and honesty. It must be so hard for you. I will keep you in my prayers. My dad experienced clinical depression for a short time in his life (nearly 2 years) and that was enough to turn our peaceful family life into complete turmoil. He is over it now and back to normal, thanks be to God. I hope and pray that your husband gets better too.

My boyfriend has gone to see a doctor some years back who gave him antidepressants. He felt that the doctor was more interested in getting him to take tablets than to sit down and really listen to what he had to say. That has turned him off going to see any specialist.

I think I just need to observe, pray, discern and listen to God's voice in this relationship and see where God wants to take us. I have to discern whether this man is the man that God wants to be as my husband. One area I struggle with is, where do I draw the line to say "this is too much". I mean in the sense that no one is perfect and I can't expect to marry a perfect person. Everyone is going to have a weakness. I guess I will just have to ask myself honestly "Can I live with this person with no change day in and day out for the rest of my life?". I guess with time and through grace, God will show me the way.

Sometimes I just find it hard since so much of me wants to get married and settle down, and I am trying to think objectively about this, because its so easy to forget reality. For that reason, I am grateful to all of you for telling me things objectively, even if its not what I may want to hear.

Bless you all. I will pray for all of you.

Of course it is objectively true that no one is perfect. Yet you are not a bad person for using discrimination to decide if the person you are seeing is too flawed to actually enter into a healthy committed relationship. What you just wrote, that he had a bad experience with one doctor and now eschews any specialist because of that one experience (which may have been only his bias and nothing to do with reality), argues that he is too wrapped up in his own experience and cannot possibly help you in any way. I would urge you again to start backing away at this point. He may be a lovely man in many ways, but not only does he have these major problems, he is refusing to seek the help of doctors who could improve his quality of life. That argues for a very difficult struggle as he will probably blame others and continue to live in mental and emotional misery.

Not a good gamble for a happy married life. Do not cross any of this off to "well, no one is perfect." You have a right to be happy and have a husband who can pull his own weight in the relationship. You will not be happy as a caretaker. It can lead to resentment because you are meeting ALL of his needs and he is meeting NONE of yours.

Luna Lovecraft · #12 Jun 13, '12, 9:48 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by miss5678

My boyfriend has told me that he has at times had anxiety attacks, panic attacks and sometimes feels like he couldn't shoulder the thoughts of being a responsible husband and father because he has always been made to feel that he is good for nothing and discouraged in life.

I am speaking as someone who has diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and dysthymia. From this standpoint I'm going to give you some questions to think about, that may help you figure out how well your boyfriend is coping:

Has he seen his physician about his panic attacks? Has he ruled out a physical cause for them (some physical maladies mimic panic attacks)?
Has he or does he receive therapy to help him come to grips with his childhood and his stressors?
Does he self-medicate with video games, food, television, gambling, or any behaviors that you find decrease the quality of your relationship? This doesn't mean a full-blown addiction, by the way. It could be something like disappearing into an MMORPG for 12 hours whenever he's stressed or down.

This is your boyfriend's fight to fight. Yes, pray for him and support him in seeking constructive ways of living, but understand - please understand - that you cannot save him. I only say that because you seem to care for him and his well-being tremendously, and I've seen this pattern develop over time when one of the partners has depression and panic attacks. The other partner seeks to eliminate or at least minimize all stress in the affected partner's life, and pretty soon there's an unhealthy co-dependency thing going on where the unaffected partner is doing all of the "heavy life lifting" while the other is allowed to skate.

I am not saying this describes you, but it is a pattern I think well-worth looking out for and avoiding.

Luna

Sugabee43 · #13 Jun 13, '12, 11:06 am

OP, I speak from a first-hand point of view on this. I, too, dated my husband while in our early 30's. He, too, had/has problems with chronic depression/anxiety/panic attacks. We spent our entire dating period doing nothing but slaying the Dragon. He went to an out-patient treatment program, and was on anti-depressants by the time we got engaged. I had never been around anyone with this type of malady, and I truly thought that once he got the "key" to "unlock" his problem, everything would be okay. By the time we got married, he thought he didn't need the meds anymore, and he was back to being depressed - some depressive persons are good actors! He went back on the meds, but we have struggled ever since. He recently had a really bad couple of months and the psychiatrist changed his medication & it seems to be helping; but I can tell you truly that if I knew then what I know now, I would have not married my husband. It saddens me to say that, but it has been a real struggle. Growing up, people have always said my personality was uber-positive; now, I feel like my joy is gone most of the time because of our family dynamics. We have been married almost 20 years now, and for me, divorce is not an option, but it is definitely not what I imagined it would be. Think long and hard about whether you would be willing to live with his depression/anxiety for the rest of your life -- and that it may not get better and may even get worse. Also, depression runs in families - it may be passed down to your children. And, it affects how the person parents their own children. Seek lots of prayer and discernment!!!

mamaslo · #14 Jun 13, '12, 12:01 pm

one of the problems with being depressed is wanting to be loved so badly! But it is a black hole that just cannot be filled by human love. It is a physical malady that requires medication, the medication helps but also doesn't fix everything either.

It is quite a cross for the depressed person too, because the weight is heavy for those who love them too.

Isn't it a crazy thing? That the depressed person wants nothing more than to be loved and yet may have to end up alone?

That is not said to lay a guilt trip on anyone. I know with myself, I want to be loved, but get too close and I can get claustrophobic. (I also have ADHD).

So what am I learning? About how to love and be loved by trying to understand what it looks like, I take medicine, I make goals...and it is a heavy life to really know me.

I did ask God to show me how to love, and i guess He is, but learning how to share parts of me is quite a task. Often others just don't "get" it so it gets stuffed and not talked about. It is do able with training and learning...so far.

The point of discernment is to see what your vocation is. Then to discern, with whom...

It may help for you also to learn about depression, and try to understand. Even if you don't end up with this man. Chances are you could lend help to various others by knowing the signs.

Serap · #15 Jun 13, '12, 12:06 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamaslo

one of the problems with being depressed is wanting to be loved so badly! But it is a black hole that just cannot be filled by human love. It is a physical malady that requires medication, the medication helps but also doesn't fix everything either.

It is quite a cross for the depressed person too, because the weight is heavy for those who love them too.

Isn't it a crazy thing? That the depressed person wants nothing more than to be loved and yet may have to end up alone?

That is not said to lay a guilt trip on anyone. I know with myself, I want to be loved, but get too close and I can get claustrophobic. (I also have ADHD).

So what am I learning? About how to love and be loved by trying to understand what it looks like, I take medicine, I make goals...and it is a heavy life to really know me.

I did ask God to show me how to love, and i guess He is, but learning how to share parts of me is quite a task. Often others just don't "get" it so it gets stuffed and not talked about. It is do able with training and learning...so far.

The point of discernment is to see what your vocation is. Then to discern, with whom...

It may help for you also to learn about depression, and try to understand. Even if you don't end up with this man. Chances are you could lend help to various others by knowing the signs.

HUGS to you!