What does it take?

momof3inOR · #1 Aug 8, '12, 10:57 am

I am new here and I would love some feedback. I'm a working mom of young children. My husband works too. We have been married and catholic for 9 years. I used to be extremely career driven but lately I've wanted to stay home. My husband makes less money that I do and he doesn't want to change our lifestyle. We have a big house and nice cars, but we live paycheck to paycheck. I work fulltime - and I also have a side business. I started writing books and now my husband is insisting that i begin writing erotica. He thinks that - since 50 shades of gray - made it so big...I will too.

I feel like ALL I do is work. I never get to spend time with the kids. It's either the nanny or my husband. He doesn't offer to find a part time job or anything. We can't get out of our house ...we are stuck there. The cars - same thing. They are leased. So, I"m just working every minute of every day to try and "maintain". Then, my husband and I wanted to send the kids to Catholic school. But, we found out it's about 10k a year. He signed them up. I just can't keep up any longer with "his lifestyle". I honestly don't buy anything for myself. My birthday just passed and my husband didn't even buy me anything. I feel used.

We have gone through therapy. He got better, but it's still not enough. He never changes permenantly. He went through an anger issue where he became hostile and aggressive with me and our kids. Now, he's calmed down. He hasn't been violent in a long time. However, he drinks quite a bit to calm down. In fact, I've started drinking too...just to try to ease through the evening. My days are so chaotic and I feel like I am never enough to ANYONE in my life.

I have talked to my husband about my unhappiness about constantly working. He listens but seems unphased by it. Truth is - for the most part - he's a good father. He loves our family, but he doesn't really provide. Am I being too selfish for feeling this way? I don't mean to...but I just feel like we are getting through each day by the grace of God. We have less than a month's salary in our savings. Our bills are huge. And he keeps telling me that my side business is going to take off -- he believes in me...he KNOWS that I'm soon going to make millions and be able to stay home with the kids and he says he will quit too!

I'm sorry for ranting..my husband cooks and cleans up after himself. In many areas..he's very helpful around the house. But, it's these critical issues that make me feel so resentful. Help!

fred conty · #2 Aug 8, '12, 11:54 am

I can tell you a story of a woman that was in a similiar life style.

I know of a women who was married to a professional man making a healthy salary. She also was a professional doing nicely. They have an upscale home with all the niceities with great cars and you know the rest of the description to go with all that.

One day as she was attending Sunday Mass, and I mean only attending, the thought came to her that she didn't really know what this was all about. She wasn't getting anything from it and why was she here. And yet she felt a sense of emptiness in her life a total lack of meaning. This luxury was getting her nothing of what she really wanted. And her religion also didn't mean that much to her.
So she deceided to look into her faith, study it, start praying, and give it a real try.

Long story short, they decided to give up their current expensive home and move down. He gave up his lucritive carreer and also acepted another job with less pressure and less money. She gave up her job and engaged herself in the parish and her faith. She has a totally new life and meaning, and is happy for the changes she made. She never realized how much she needed the real faith she didn't know.

You know what to do, it is the "how" and "when". Just begin by taking time out to pray and do some reading. Have a heart to heart with Jesus and ask his direction and help. Ask people for their prayers especially your pastor.

Get a miraculous medal or a scapular and wear it. Many people have been helped thru Mary and she often obtains great graces for those who wear her gift.

I will be thinking of you in my prayers as well.

Be at peace.

Allegra · #3 Aug 8, '12, 2:34 pm

I can see why you are resentful. I think you might consider scaling down your lifestyle in order to enjoy life a little bit more. Perhaps if you came up with a plan for doing this your husband would be more receptive to the idea.

Pompy · #4 Aug 8, '12, 2:46 pm

It sounds like you are the bread winner; the gose that lays the golden egg. If this be so; that I suggest that you take care of the gose; without the gose everyone suffers.

Liturgy_Geek · #5 Aug 9, '12, 9:45 am

As the sole breadwinner in my home (my husband is unable to work), my first bit of advice would be for the two of you to work things out in your marriage first. There are obviously serious issues to explore, such as the alcohol use, before getting into the financial arena.

I would also suggest talking with your priest to give you guidance. It's not easy being the breadwinner, but there are graces to help you through it.

momof3inOR · #6 Aug 9, '12, 9:57 am

Here's my question. Is our alcohol use that unusual? My husband does drink up to 4 drinks a night... I probably have 3 glasses of wine. I think the thing that worries me.. Is that it is a pattern. He will make sure we have wine every night in the house. I have tried to stay strong and not drink... But I have trouble doing so... because I easily fall back into "our" pattern.

I know this sounds extreme and maybe it is... But I feel as if it's unhealthy to be around him.

Liturgy_Geek · #7 Aug 9, '12, 10:10 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by momof3inOR

Here's my question. Is our alcohol use that unusual? My husband does drink up to 4 drinks a night... I probably have 3 glasses of wine. I think the thing that worries me.. Is that it is a pattern. He will make sure we have wine every night in the house. I have tried to stay strong and not drink... But I have trouble doing so... because I easily fall back into "our" pattern.

I know this sounds extreme and maybe it is... But I feel as if it's unhealthy to be around him.

The biggest key to this is your statement that you feel it's unhealthy to be around your husband and that you have tried to not drink but you fall back into a pattern. It sounds like warning bells are going off in your head.

momof3inOR · #8 Aug 9, '12, 11:15 am

Maybe I'm being unfair -- just because he drinks doesn't mean I have to..but we have a pattern. I am not nearly as strong willed about resisting alcohol as I am about giving up fattening foods or desserts.

Am I being unfair?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liturgy_Geek

The biggest key to this is your statement that you feel it's unhealthy to be around your husband and that you have tried to not drink but you fall back into a pattern. It sounds like warning bells are going off in your head.

mommamaree · #9 Aug 9, '12, 1:01 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by momof3inOR

Maybe I'm being unfair -- just because he drinks doesn't mean I have to..but we have a pattern. I am not nearly as strong willed about resisting alcohol as I am about giving up fattening foods or desserts.

Am I being unfair?

Three or more alcoholic beverages in one evening, if you are a woman, and four or more if you are a man, is the lower limit set for binge drinking. If this is an daily occurrence, that amount of alcohol is too much for the body. I am looking at this from a medical perspective, not a moral one. This amount of alcohol can quickly lead to an addiction, and with your difficulty in saying no to yourself about whether or not to drink, I think it is time to be concerned.
With that said, scaling it back to one or two servings of wine and cutting yourself off after that time would be a fine solution. Many people end their day with a nightcap. If you can limit yourself to temperate enjoyment, that is healthy and normal. What I wouldn't do in your situation is go teetotaler and eschew any alcohol. That kind of overreaction can set up for future alcohol abuse.
I hope that helps!

Viki63 · #10 Aug 9, '12, 11:47 pm

I have to agree with mommamaree, as a nurse, but my information is that one drink a night is enough for a woman, and 2 for a man.

I am the sole support for my family, since my husband is disabled. We (parents & 2 teens) live in a 1200 square foot house, have 2 older cars, and seem to get along fine as far as that goes. It's a pretty austere lifestyle. but it's okay with me. My husband is happy if he just gets to visit his relatives occasionally, and I'm more or less happy since I have some good friends. I hate working full time but no choice.
I am concerned about his suggestion that you write erotica. I think there's a huge need for more literature suitable for Christians, not more junk. 50 Shades is equivalent to porn in my opinion. I like the In Death series by J.D. Robb, but skip the sex scenes; as Catholics we don't need to eavesdrop on other people's bedroom antics. So you might consider writing something uplifting; there is a market for that, though you won't make millions. But then again you'd be pleasing to God, which would pay in the long run.
It sounds as if your husband is a pretty decent guy. I'm sure you will be able to work everything out, if you can avoid falling into alcoholism, a real danger.