Catholic FAQ


Latest Threads
newest posts



Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life
 

Welcome to Catholic Answers Forums, the largest Catholic Community on the Web.

Here you can join over 400,000 members from around the world discussing all things Catholic. Membership is open to all, Catholic and non-Catholic alike, who seek the Truth with Charity.

To gain full access, you must register for a FREE account. Registered members are able to:
  • Submit questions about the faith to experts from Catholic Answers
  • Participate in all forum discussions
  • Communicate privately with Catholics from around the world
  • Plus join a prayer group, read with the Book Club, and much more.
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free. So join our community today!

Have a question about registration or your account log-in? Just contact our Support Hotline.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search Thread Display
  #31  
Old Apr 10, '09, 3:02 pm
LongingForLight LongingForLight is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: January 17, 2009
Posts: 796
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

I only just now realized the thread had been changed! I got really caught up in our finances (fired in early January, stayed afloat for 2.5 months, hired mid-March for 25% less $$ as the sole breadwinner), and haven't been posting about DH for the most part.

Things are good, overall. DH has agreed to support me in giving a 10% financial tithe, as well as a 10% work-time matching tithe of time. Although he's not entirely sure about this all - he was asking me today if we could count the time against the funds we give and keep more of the money. I said I'd rather not, since giving time and treasure both is the ideal anyways, but that I'd be open to the idea if he wanted to discuss it. He's the man of the house, and if he takes a stand on this I'll follow his lead . . . but if he defers to my judgement on this, I think he will be touched by how little we miss the money and how well things go. And I think he will defer to me. He may not trust God, but I think he trusts me. Despite this crazy "God thing" I have going on

I also learned about a condition called "dysthymia" recently, which is chronic mild depression that can last for decades - and when I started reading up on it, it was like reading a textbook written about DH! Every annoying behavior, every frustrating thing he does is listed as a symptom of this condition. And he has all the symptoms except those that indicate "atypical features." Two is sufficient for diagnosis (assuming no other conditions exist that could explain them).

DH and I have looked over the information on dysthymia and talked about it, and he agrees that it seems likely that he has this condition, and could have had it for around two decades (since his pre-teen years). It would explain so much - his poor work history, his inability to make decisions, his tendency to give up, his avoidance of responsibility and risks of failure, his willingness to be labelled as "lazy", his irritability sometimes - even how hard it is for him to apply to jobs. Now we need to see what the medical community thinks. The condition is treatable, too, although it often takes years to fully treat. This may also be the main stumbling block for his faith right now.

Also, DH has scheduled his Network+ exam! This is a certification exam for network / lab technicians. This is really big, as it is a significant step in him returning to work. AND he is interested in becoming the sole income, and is working towards this goal and willing to talk about it - despite the fact that it looks unreachable from where we are right now. This is very impressive, since he normally writes difficult tasks off as "hopeless" and gets frustrated if he is reminded about them. Quite frankly, he's starting to show symptoms of faith - not in God, perhaps, more in me and in life in general - but it's a start.

Thanks, ladies, for giving me someone I can share this with who undrestands how great it is.
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old Apr 10, '09, 4:04 pm
LongingForLight LongingForLight is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: January 17, 2009
Posts: 796
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Quote:
Originally Posted by desiringhim View Post
. . . I wanted to come back and share that very shortly after my post, my husband's heart began to soften and within weeks he even agreed to join RCIA with me. Praise be to God, we are both going to be joining the Church this Easter and afterward both our young children will be baptized.
WHOO-HOO!!!!! So very encouraging, thanks a ton for letting us know!!

Are things still on track? Will you be baptized at the Vigil tomorrow?
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old Apr 10, '09, 8:33 pm
desiringhim desiringhim is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: August 5, 2008
Posts: 14
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Quote:
Originally Posted by LongingForLight View Post
WHOO-HOO!!!!! So very encouraging, thanks a ton for letting us know!!

Are things still on track? Will you be baptized at the Vigil tomorrow?
Yes, everything is going wonderfully. We will be confirmed (already baptized) at the Vigil and we both cannot wait!
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old Apr 11, '09, 8:59 am
JLCecilia JLCecilia is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: July 11, 2007
Posts: 1,067
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Please pray for me as I prepare to break baby #3 news to DH. This is our 3rd 'unplanned' child in 3.5 years of marriage. There are just so many things I could post here about how terrified we both are of this prospect and how it interferes with our 'plans.'

Right now, I just need all your prayers and support as I deal with not only rearranging and surrendering my life to God in all of this, but also dealing with DH's reaction to the news - he is [b]NOT[b] going to be happy.

He JUST started going to mass with us again at the beginning of Lent (after being away for over a year). He is on week 6 of the patch to quit smoking and he has given up drinking soda as a couple of ways to get in better health. He is also taking very seriously all of the efforts he needs to make in taking his medicine and using all the ointments for all of his skin disorders. I say all of this because I'm afraid that he's going to give up on all of this.

We talked about our family plans a few weeks ago and DH already feels a great burden in providing for our family and even thinking about planning for our future. I must confess that I too feel overburdened in caring the 2 we already have.

But I know that God will provide for us to give this child what he/she needs because He wants this baby. I know that God has provided for us in the past in ways we could have never of imagined. Although things feel tight and they probably will for some time, we have no dire needs. Already having 2 children, we already have most of the expensive 'startup' items and I have held on to all of my maternity clothes and in-between 'fat' clothes. We have also worked at getting out of debt the last couple of years. I would love more than anything to get a minivan, but we are still paying on the car and I really want to avoid accruing anymore debt. If you would, ask a special prayer that we can find a good used minivan to trade our car in for the same or less that we owe now.

I know this sounds silly amidst all of this, but I'm really praying for a girl this time. Also, keep in your prayers my OB care. I work at the only hospital/clinic in town and I'm afraid to even have my initial labwork done because I am not prepared for people to know and word travels fast. I am also hoping to have a little fun with this one and not tell our family for some time. We live in a small town and if DH can't keep his mouth shut, word will likely get to my parents. My mom will not be able to keep a secret and I have a sister who is IVFing right now - her first attempt was unsuccessful and I just think this news would be burdensome to her.

Just keep us all in your prayers. As I read back over this, I know that things will work out, even as I know that my faith will wane throughout the pregnancy.

Thank You all.
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old Apr 13, '09, 7:03 am
MonicaRose MonicaRose is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: May 16, 2008
Posts: 92
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

JL Cecilia,
Congratulations!! Praying for you! God will provide!

__________________

[url=http://lilypie.com][img]http://m3.lilypie.com/2H7xm6/.png
<a href="http://lilypie.com"><img src="http://b1.lilypie.com/tMZpm6.png" alt="Lilypie 1st Birthday Ticker" border="0" /></a>
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old Apr 13, '09, 6:03 pm
LongingForLight LongingForLight is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: January 17, 2009
Posts: 796
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Prayers! Congratulations, although I can imagine how scary it will be. Let us know how breaking the news goes.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old Apr 13, '09, 9:26 pm
Rammy's Avatar
Rammy Rammy is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: March 2, 2006
Posts: 3,114
Religion: RC
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

DH went off all of his meds, back to drinking and even driving under the influence at a pace of every other day now. We just moved due to the other place in March flooding out three times, and we are not quite unpacked right now. Our seasonal self employment as nursery growers just started, and we are starting the season behind.

DH simply does not do well under stress at all when it includes finances. He also turned 50 on Saturday...i am seriously hopeing it is a mark in time for him to grow up.

please pray i have the strength to turn him away at the door if like this, so he gets it through his thick head to not come here like this. Over the years, he has never done this before, knowing it was never tollerated, but lately he simply staggers saying he never had a drink....

I am deaf, not blind...and i know what beer smells like...even at the pickled stage!

Besides that...the girls and I are doing so much better at the new place. They both have their own room now once again, and love the space to be indeviduals i guess. For as much as they wanted away from each other, the silly things planned to sleep over at each others sisters new bedroom this next weekend.

Also, being at ground level, i can actually bring in my own groceries, laundry etc...i do not feel so dependant on others to help me due to severe sore ankles and dealing with stairs. NOOOO stairs here, and i am loving it.

Please pray that funds will come through for the new 15 windows i have to cover. It is an old high school, so every single room, excluding the bathroom, has wall to wall windows on one side (40x60 inches for each one...3 in most rooms)

we went from no light in the basement, to sun...sun...and some more sun!

*grin*

Lana
__________________

Mom Dad & Kids
Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old Apr 13, '09, 9:27 pm
Rammy's Avatar
Rammy Rammy is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: March 2, 2006
Posts: 3,114
Religion: RC
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

JLCecilia...what lovely news in Gods eyes...and for DH to eventually see it this way!

Congradulations!

Lana
__________________

Mom Dad & Kids
Reply With Quote
  #39  
Old Apr 14, '09, 6:33 am
JLCecilia JLCecilia is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: July 11, 2007
Posts: 1,067
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Well, I broke the news to him and he still really hasn't sat down to talk about it yet. I don't think it has really sunk in yet. The only thing he has talked to me about is my prenatal care. He is not crazy about me going to a dr who is 30-40 min away, but I expressed my need for confidentiality until I myself come to grips with the pregnancy. I am simply not ready to tell people yet and get the 3rd degree. I am not even all that psyched . . .YET. I know that part will come.

I broke down this morning because I am feeling very alone right now since he is not talking about it - I need to give him the time and space he needs to adjust to the news and it is hard because I need to sit and talk through everything and figure it all out right now. DH wasn't feeling well again yesterday, so he did not get out of bed until after 5pm. He did at least go to work for a few hours, but then b/c he slept all day, he stayed up late again and probably will not go in until after noon today.

I really have not been able to count on him at all to help with the children since we started having them almost 3 years ago and I have never come to a peaceful resolve about this. DS #2 is very attached to me and so it is difficult trying to potty train DS #1 and corralling him to sit still while #2 is fussing for my attention as well. I just wish DH would give up the computer already and start getting on our schedule - get up and help with the kids in the morning, get to work on time so he can be home the same time as us to help with the kids in the evening as well. I was able to get a word in about my distress over having to get THREE kids ready by myself in the mornings. I have some work to do on teaching DS #1 to dress and undress himself and otherwise learn how to help mommy.

I cannot imagine how SAHMs feel!
Reply With Quote
  #40  
Old Apr 14, '09, 10:27 am
Rammy's Avatar
Rammy Rammy is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: March 2, 2006
Posts: 3,114
Religion: RC
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

It sounds like he is concerned for the "needs" of the child, and this is good.
The distance is a mans way of processing it. Try telling him you are glad that he is spending this time alone to process this, and if it is hard for you, it must be hard for him as well. Remind him that your heart goes out to him in this, and you can not wait for the return of routine in the house. Remind him that this is the way a woman processes things...much differently than a man. But hey, what ever gets the job done.

This way, you are letting him know that you are aware of his distress, and it too shall pass. This may make him feel less bombarded...and less depressed. He may not be aware that he is processing things. So in a way you are coaching him through it in a way that is validating the feelings he is having, and sympathetic as well.

I will pray for you and your family over this situation...and remember, what we can not change, we must gather the strength to endure. So i pray for the gift to endure what is difficult, so that the family can see a stronger mamma. This makes a mom feel better, when at least the things that HAVE to be done, can be done.

God bless!!!

Lana
__________________

Mom Dad & Kids
Reply With Quote
  #41  
Old Apr 14, '09, 11:17 am
LongingForLight LongingForLight is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: January 17, 2009
Posts: 796
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

JLC - I agree with Rammy on the idea of reminding him that he is still coming to grips, and it's normal for him to feel a little out-of-sorts - at least, it's important for me to do this with my DH whenever there is any rough news in our household. Otherwise, my DH will start realizing that he's not doing things as well as he should be but won't realize why, and will often get more depressed. Dunno if all men are this way. I hope your DH can get to a place where you can rely on him for some emotional support.

As far as how SAHMs feel, my experience with being home 8 months and then returning to work was that it was a lot less intense to mother over the course of the whole day than to try and be everything they needed from a mother outside of work hours. It's still hard and it's more constant, but being able to work on something over the course of full days seemed less draining, for me. I found that the hard part of being a SAHM was having sole responsibility for home-management, plus having to care for a home while most of the family lives in it all day. You probably still do most of the home-management (divvying up chores, figuring out what the kids need, motivating people to do their parts, organizing schedules, staying in touch with friends, etc.).

Being a mom in a two-income family is rough, these days. As a society, we've come to terms with the idea that a woman can handle a man's work when necessary in most cases, but we still think our men aren't capable of handling women's work - plus we still don't realize how much managing most women do for their households (at, least I certainly didn't realize it until DH and I reversed our roles!). DH and I spent 5 months as a two-income family about two years ago, and I told him that either he would quit, or I would :P It's really, really tough, even with a supportive DH. You should be very satisfied with what you are capable of doing!
Reply With Quote
  #42  
Old Apr 14, '09, 11:17 am
LongingForLight LongingForLight is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: January 17, 2009
Posts: 796
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Rammy - so sorry to hear what you are going through. Hopefully the move is a lot of it - my DH goes into a funk for 9 months or so every time we move. I really can't imagine dealing with the drinking. It sounds like you really do need to be laying down the law, what a sad position to be in! But it's good that you are being strong about it. I'm sure sometimes you feel anything but strong, but you clearly are holding things together anyways.

I don't know why, but I really like the idea of living in an old high school! It sounds big and spacious. Maybe it's the idea of trying to renovate it on a budget . . . it's the kind of thing I would love to try and do. And those windows may be expensive, but they also sound like they will be beautiful!
Reply With Quote
  #43  
Old Apr 15, '09, 6:43 am
JLCecilia JLCecilia is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: July 11, 2007
Posts: 1,067
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

DH finally sat down last night to hash out his/our feelings about the baby. He is still VERY upset. We dragged out all of our issues and I realized that his heart has not softened on a number of things that I had hoped for.

The issue of a vasectomy came up. I explained how I felt like saying No to God on this issue and defying His law and the Church's teaching on this issue would be a curse on our marriage and family and cut off our witness to others and esp. our children. I told him, 'I don't want to stand at the end of my life, giving an account, looking back on this moment and for there to be even a shred of evidence that I even entertained much less condoned you having this procedure.' However, I did say that b/c of the how strongly he feels about our family planning that I almost feel obligated for our marriage to turn the other way and neither condone nor condemn his wishes in going thru with this. I know that's a complete contradiction.

He HATES NFP and does not believe AT ALL that it works. I explained that it only works if we follow the rules and I tried to site a number of couples that we both look up to who practice NFP successfully, but then, both the husband and wife are active in the church and I truly believe that their faithfulness and stewardship plays a huge part in their success in all areas of their family life. I'd like to put a positive spin on the situation when we give an account to our family and friends about our current predicament and tell them how great NFP has been for us, but at the same time I feel like I'd just being trying to make light of what we really feel like is just irresponsibility.

I'm really praying that this baby is a baby of reconciliation for our family. I truly do not feel like either of our families are going to be very supportive of this pregnancy. I know this sounds petty, but I really feel like at least if it was a girl, that would somehow soften the blow b/c DH's family doesn't have any girls and they would LOVE a baby girl! Please, God, let this be a baby of reconciliation.

DH still has many doubts about the faith, yet he will not seek counsel b/c he feels like no matter how much he likes and admires those who would counsel him, their answers would not be good enough for him. I'm praying that he will continue to go to mass with us even when he's unsure about his faith and that God will use this small sacrifice to soften his heart.

We talked about the expense of the procedure and that it might not be covered if it is an elective procedure, but he assured me that some ins. companies do cover this. Praying that as one small road block, our particular carrier will not cover this. He does not want anymore after this (and b/c of his strong feelings, neither do I for fear of our marriage and family), but he's unsure how we will accomplish this if he doesn't have a vasectomy and he doesn't trust NFP. I told him that celibacy would not be good for our marriage and that b/c of his past trouble with pornography that this and self-gratification would likely take grip of him again and that would really be damaging to our marriage and family.

Don't know what the answer is except to continue praying. Asking for the courage to seek counsel from our parish priest even if I have to go it alone - I truly do not have anyone else I can talk to about this who I feel would understand and be able to offer sound Christian advice. Feeling very alone right now.

DH doesn't blame his family for the possibility that they may not be supportive and this is hurtful to me that he would not stand up for me/us and let them know that their criticism and judgement is not helpful and that we just need prayers and support.

One piece of good news is that he did confess that he hates how his schedule/routine makes him feel as much as I do as far as not being helpful with the children. Please God, see this small opening and let DH allow you into this area of his life to increase his devotion and affection toward his vocation as a father. I teased that I wouldn't know what to do w/ DH if he DID start helping w/ the children b/c we having morning and evening prayers and DH would have to subject himself to that.

DH confessed and I agreed w/ him that I don't know how to go out and have a good time w/out criticizing and judging others. It's true - I'm not into the same sorts of things I was when we started dating and we were teenagers. DH attended a get-together w/ his co-workers while the kids and I were out of town a few months ago. He said there are tons of get-togethers that he gets invited to but he doesn't go to them b/c he knows I would never go to them. But I'm afraid that if I DON'T start going w/ him, he's just going to go alone and it could lead to adultery. He also said it was so much fun, maybe only for him, when I was on the pill and we could do whatever we want whenever we want. I'm afraid that if this 'freedom' were available to us again, any and all progress in our communication would go right out the window. I'm afraid that we would quit talking about things and working on having affection towards one another outside of the bedroom and that I would just become an object again and that our intimacy would lose its sacredness. Once he's able to get what he wants again and maybe even if we experienced an increase in material wealth, I'm afraid he would quit exploring the faith and going to church.

PLEEEEASE PRAY!!!
Reply With Quote
  #44  
Old Apr 15, '09, 10:37 am
JLCecilia JLCecilia is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: July 11, 2007
Posts: 1,067
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

Sorry for the longwinded sobfest. Praise God, DH just called to apologize for being a jerk and being so negative about our situation. He really does feel trapped and that his future is doomed to living at work just to provide for our family to be dirt poor and we're never going to have family vacations or a nice house or anything . . .It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. For me, this is approximately a 2 yr commitment - firstly, carrying the baby, but then giving my up lunch hours for months on end to pump at work. But I know that this too shall pass. I'm sure anyone we ask with little ones would agree that these early years both in marriage and in childrearing are the most challenging and even overwhelming at times. Hoping we can buck each other up soon.
Reply With Quote
  #45  
Old Apr 15, '09, 12:00 pm
Rammy's Avatar
Rammy Rammy is offline
Regular Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: March 2, 2006
Posts: 3,114
Religion: RC
Default Re: St. Monica, Pray for us!

You see, prayer does work...i am glad there was some emotional releif, even if it was just a little bit. I pray for the commitment you have spiritually to be kept this strong and it lead you to his will. Let his will be yours, with much more ease as life goes on.

God bless ......
__________________

Mom Dad & Kids
Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search Thread
Search Thread:

Advanced Search
Display

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Prayer Intentions

Most Active Groups
8379Meet and talk,talk talk
Last by: svid2
5104CAF Prayer Warriors Support Group
Last by: Vim71
4417Devotion to the Sorrowful Mother
Last by: daughterstm
4037OCD/Scrupulosity Group
Last by: eschator83
3859SOLITUDE
Last by: Prairie Rose
3698Let's empty Purgatory
Last by: daughterstm
3269Poems and Reflections
Last by: PathWalker
3266Petitions Before the Blessed Sacrament
Last by: Amiciel
3218Catholic Vegetarians & Vegans
Last by: memphian
3094For seniors and shut- ins
Last by: flower lady



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 3:25 am.

Home RSS Feeds - Home - Archive - Top

Copyright © 2004-2014, Catholic Answers.