Finding my way back to God after the death of a child.

[rshagy]

I am new to this group and I guess have been wondering around the Internet looking for answers. I am a Catholic and over the last few years both of my children have die. I’ve been very mad a God for the last 6 years. If you lose a parent you're an orphan, if you lose a spouse you're a widow, but there is no word in English for what you are if you lose a child. Let alone the loss of both children.

At best your lost, at worst there is nothing to describe the state or level of grief. Every day I must decide how I will continue. Some days it seems that I do not.

Anyway the reason I am posting here is I have not found a form dealing with death and dieing that has God as part of the answer. (And yes, I’ve tried the local parish) All the proposed answers all seem to fall off the mark. I was looking for a means to find my way back to God. So, in a sense I am trying to come back home and lose the anger I’ve been holding inside.

[whatevergirl]

rshagy, I'm so sorry to hear of your losses, what tragedies, to have lost both of your children? I can't imagine. I will hold you in my prayers. Something somewhat comforting to me, is that someday in heaven, we will be reuinted with everyone we miss, who has left this earth. I know that in heaven, our pain will be gone, our tears no more. I love the life God has blessed me with, but I also look forward to heaven....true home. I mentioned this to someone else who lost a child, that the grief process must feel so unusual...as we are always thinking that we will depart before our kids. It doesn't seem natural, but we all have crosses to carry, but we never carry them alone. No matter what the cross, someone right now can relate to each one of us, and most of all, Jesus not only relates to our sufferings, but He weeps along with us.

I am glad that you decided to join here, and please post often, because together, we can help each other. I might not know exactly what to say not having been through what you have, but I will try my best to just listen, pray, and be there for you...in whatever way you might need that day. God bless, you!

[nancy dalrymple]

Originally Posted by rshagy

I am new to this group and I guess have been wondering around the Internet looking for answers. I am a Catholic and over the last few years both of my children have die. I’ve been very mad a God for the last 6 years. If you lose a parent you're an orphan, if you lose a spouse you're a widow, but there is no word in English for what you are if you lose a child. Let alone the loss of both children.

At best your lost, at worst there is nothing to describe the state or level of grief. Every day I must decide how I will continue. Some days it seems that I do not.

Anyway the reason I am posting here is I have not found a form dealing with death and dieing that has God as part of the answer. (And yes, I’ve tried the local parish) All the proposed answers all seem to fall off the mark. I was looking for a means to find my way back to God. So, in a sense I am trying to come back home and lose the anger I’ve been holding inside.

Welcome and I pray yop find the peace in knowing you are not alone and we will pray for all your needs. My daughter had just graduated from colledge the week later she was dead. I do have her graduation on video but I dont go there at all.She is the reason why I am back to church i was just living my life as I wanted, and i was not back into the Catholic church at the time I was on a trip searching for God in all the wrong places. Then I said May be I should go home from where I came from and I did I have not been back that long but i am here trying to deal with alot of things. A very person asked me to read a book It's called Hinds feet on High places. I finally finished it and it was good.bY Hanna Hurnard. It is small and easy to read. I will keep you in my prayers you are loved Nancy

[nancy dalrymple]

What Can I Say?
Written by Clara Hinton | Sep 13, 2001
Whenever we hear the sad news that there has been the loss of a child, often our first response is asking ourselves the question, "What can I say?" We want to say something that will make a difference. We feel a need to speak words that show our friends that we truly care. Unfortunately, many times, in our zeal to say something that really helps, friends end up speaking before thinking. We blurt out well-meaning words that often hurt rather than help.

When a child dies, our thoughts seem to immediately go to God. We often call the children who have died God's little angels. And, we look to the Bible for scriptures that will help the hurting parents. In our enthusiasm to help heal the hurt, we sometimes preach a mini-sermon quoting all of the passages we know from memory.

One of the most loved and used scriptures is the one found in Romans 8:28 that tells us God works all things together for good to those who love Him. While I completely believe this to be true, and I honor God with my entire being, I also know that in the beginning stages of grief there is often anger with God for allowing such devastation as child loss to occur. It is not uncommon for a mother and father to question God's wisdom for months following the death of a child. To hear about God at a time when we are angry with Him is usually not helpful.

When my sister Carmella died at age 13, my mother went through a difficult, long journey finding her way back to God. God had allowed her daughter to suffer tremendously. God had not answered the prayers of many to heal this young child. Because of this, for a long time my mother held anger at God as part of her grief. She was not comforted by those who continued to tell her she should "rejoice in all things" and accept God's will. Child loss truly does cause a level of pain that can tear at the very foundation of a parent's faith!

There is a time to discuss at length the tremendous love of God in your attempts to say comforting words to heal a parent's brokenness over the loss of a child. But, it is also important to understand that the acceptance of those words very early in grief may not be what you expect. Anger with God is quite common, and a tremendous guilt for feeling that way accompanies the grief. Parents need to be gently reminded that one day they will not feel this anger at God.

This isn't much but I do know it is true you never forget you never are over it but you learn more and more how to handle it, that comes by time and alot of prayers, and patience. Time takes Time. Nancy

[whatevergirl]

nancy, thank you for posting this. I hope those who have lost a child will benefit in some way, from your post. I think that anger accompanies much of everyone's loss, whether a child, a parent, a friend...anger with life, with God...yes, it can take a while to get over the anger, and allow God to heal us. I think that we in some ways, like to hold on to the anger, as it feels comforting in an odd way. We become afraid to let go for fear of the unknown...I can't thank you enough for posting this, because when I have known friends or family who have lost children, I truly didn't know what to say. It helps me to read something like this, if for no other reason, to know how those who have lost their children are coping with their grief, how they are handling their losses.

You're a blessing nancy.

[nancy dalrymple]

HI! Whatever girl, i think I will be banned because i just cannot stay a catholic anymore i cannot. i have been realy brused about the woman being tazed, and the mason forum I cannot be one with these people next time I leave I go for good. i can't believe this i never argued so much in all my life as i do with the catholics here, it is not worth it, I suffer enough i dont need to suffer where I;m suposto find love. you can read this and then delete it after if you want. I am sick to my stomack, so is my husband when he see's how everyone treates each other. You are not one spirit with each other and it will never be. nancy

[rshagy]

Thank you for your replies. It's been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. Even after years the pain does not go away, its more a question of how to get up and live again. What I've found is most people simply do not know how to talk about it.

Every thing is so life centered that we miss the redemption of Gods promise. Which we only get after running the race. What I’ve found it harder is with all the “New Age” influences that seems to have crept in that unless you read the bible for yourself can actually lead you away from the faith. I believe now that was a lot of the basic faith questioning that I hit. You see blessing going out to others, but then you ask why does this happen. You begin to believe that it is personally directed at you. In some ways the Internet was the problem, people or groups can and do post anything. Some even sound like they know what they are talking about. It is difficult to separate the fact from the fiction.

[whatevergirl]

Everything we focus on is 'life centered,' I like that perspective, rshagy. I agree, that that could be why we have such a tough time when a loved one dies, at any stage in life. We are constantly being bombarded with new ways to 'live longer' etc...and it seems like death is avoided at all costs. The reality is, when we are called to our heavenly home, it is and will be for us, a beautiful thing. I try to think of it in that context, when thinking of those who have gone before us, to be with God. I appreciate your insights.

[rshagy]

It took me re-reading my bible, this time through the eyes of grief to see the words that were there the entire time. But it is interesting how your vision changes with life events. I read the words, but it seemed I never really hear that Christ came to Earth to teach us a particular lesson; By His very death Christ Jesus brings us the belief in a life after death. He preached immortality, we must go through the through death in order to return to life.

Paul also states this belief in a life after death in the fifth chapter of II Corinthians, verses 1, 2: "For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven."

When I looked at the world through a life centered frame of mind, this just did not have meaning. I look back and I have to question did I really understand the faith I was professing. I was trying to live a Christian life, to raise my children in the faith. But the idea of not being here was never thought about, it was just assumed your children would out live you. At first my anger was trying to understand why? But maybe there is no answer to why.

[whatevergirl]

Can I just say that your take on this is quite moving? I too always viewed our faith on a more life centered level. Jesus came to teach us how to live 'in' this world, but always told His followers...and tells us in turn...we are not 'of' this world, which ultimately means, that we are the ones who create the illusion of permanence on this earth, right? This belongs in the breakthrough thread too!!! I am taken aback by your revelation, as it really seems to fit with my mindset of things, too. Thank you so much for sharing this.

[Lmora]

Originally Posted by rshagy

I am new to this group and I guess have been wondering around the Internet looking for answers. I am a Catholic and over the last few years both of my children have die. I’ve been very mad a God for the last 6 years. If you lose a parent you're an orphan, if you lose a spouse you're a widow, but there is no word in English for what you are if you lose a child. Let alone the loss of both children.

At best your lost, at worst there is nothing to describe the state or level of grief. Every day I must decide how I will continue. Some days it seems that I do not.

Anyway the reason I am posting here is I have not found a form dealing with death and dieing that has God as part of the answer. (And yes, I’ve tried the local parish) All the proposed answers all seem to fall off the mark. I was looking for a means to find my way back to God. So, in a sense I am trying to come back home and lose the anger I’ve been holding inside.

Hi, I am also new to this website. I am so , sorry for your losses. In the year 2008, I lost four people that loved me the most. In july of 2008. it was my cousin. She was like a sister to me. (She was only 48.)The sister I never had. In September , my mother died at 83. She was my guardian angel. A week later, my cousins husband died. He was only 56. In December, my husband died. He was only 50. The kicker is, my husband had to leave me, too and on Christmas Day! When I left the hospital, I wanted to die, myself. When they died. half of me died with them. I was mad at God for taking the only people that really loved me. Then I found a website called; The Our Lady of the Roses, Shrine.( www.tldm.org) When I started reading the 'Directives from Heaven,' is when I started to realize the true meaning of the Bible and life and death. Then I found this wonderful website and now, I say the Rosary everyday. It helps me to see things clearer. There are many great people right here on this website and you are not alone. My prayers are with you!
God Bless you! :

Lmora

[phoage]

rshagy

I can begin to fell your loss. I recently lost my youngest son. I say recently, it has been two and a half years but some times it feels like yesterday. He was there one minute, and the next I was identifying his body. As you say, there are no words for that loss.

I too was not with God. I'm not sure I was even looking real hard. Fortunately, God knew where I was and helped me, I know that now; and he continues to help me, each day to get up and continue doing what I have to do.

Unlike you, I was never angry with God. One problem I had, because of the circumstances of the accident, I had no one to be angry at. I do believe God used the event to lead me back to him.

While I firmly believe that God did not cause the accident that took my son, I have equal faith that it was part of his overall plan and that, even though I do not understand it, it serves some greater purpose. I know my son had certain things God required of him in this life, and when those were accomplished, it was time to go Home. This is a very difficult belief for me, but when I can see it, it comforts me.

Please pray for us (you and I) for Lord to give us strength to go on, and know that you are in my prayers also.

Patrick