Help! Advice on my boyfriend entering the seminary!

[adelore]

My first cousin and a friend of mine were boyfriend and girlfriend for years. He felt the calling to be a Priest. (she was not Catholic, but Luthern) He explained to her for years that he had this calling. They both went to college, (different ones) but kept in close contact, Phone, letters. Over the years he made up his mind that a Priest was what he was ment to be.

They have remained Great Friends to this day. He lives in another state now and she lives here in MI. To this day she has never married, but she accepts his being a Priest. This has been 30 years now. They are purely friends. Sometimes what God calls us to do is the best for everyone.

Yet not everyone is Truely called to be a Priest. You boy friend will find out through much prayer and seeking.

[Buddicca]

The simplest answer is the most difficult answer.
Do nothing.
I have found myself married to a wonderful man with a Aspergers Syndrome. We didn't know he had it before we got married and the stress of marrying brought out all the ugly, damaging and almost abusive behaviours that go with this condition.
I wanted this situation fixed! I prayed and I prayed and I prayed. I cried. I argued and just about had a break down with my own problems over the situation.
The problem was I had to let go and let god deal with it.
I wanted answers NOW. I wanted it fixed NOW.
I never gave up praying but I did get to a point where I thought 'god really isn't listening to me! '
He never stopped listening to me.
Things just weren't happening the way I wanted them to.
Sure my husband's mental illness was a shock and our daily life wasn't panning out exactly how I had expected and there did come a point where I even thought was my marrying him a huge mistake!
But no matter how YOU want the situation to turn out - you have no control over it.
As a human that can be very scary humans like to believe they can control or handle most things.
Thats where FAITH comes in. You don't KNOW god's plans and neither does your boyfriend.
It's time to sit back and let GOD's intentions be revealed.
Maybe you won't like the way things turn out - maybe you'll be happy how it all ends up.
No-one knows that one but GOD.
All I can say is one day my husband's condition improved ever so slightly. But when you are living with dysfunction every day - you notice something good.
He made me a cup of tea.
Now that doesn't seem much - but for a person with autism - thinking about someone else is not one of their strong points. To make me a cup of tea meant he had to think about me and that I would like one. That is like climbing Mt Everest to these people!
I did find out later my husband had been able to hide alot of his most odd behaviours from me because we didn't live together before marriage. So I'd always thought he was a little eccentric but I didn't get the full picture until we married.
I could say I am in an unhappy marriage with a crazy guy! :
or I could say I am in a happy marriage with a guy who is walking over hot coals to show his love for me. We have good days and we have bad days - but you would have that anyway regardless of your relationship.
You will have them too - one day you will be accepting of god's will and then the next day fighting it and wishing it would go the way YOU want.
That's a personal journey and I only made it through a difficult situation by just handing it over to god. When you pray so feverently and you ask god what to do and the reply comes 'do nothing' it almost seems like a cop out! Surely I have to do something about this situation! But no - you don't. Its all under control.......just not yours.

[Pioro]

When you say, 'God makes it ever so much clearer to leave my heart open to him,' who is the 'him' you are writing about - God or your ex-boyfriend?

I fear you want him to go to seminary now, so that he can very quickly find out that he's not meant to be a priest, and this whole 'vocation thing' will blow over and you can pick up your relationship, get married, and live happily ever after. Let me just say, 'been there, done that,' and that I wasted five years of my life praying and believing that God was promising me that we would 'someday be blessed in marriage.' And I had better reason to keep the belief alive than you did: the man I was involved with admitted to me that he knew he was not called to be a priest, but that he wanted the 'power' he thought priests have over people. He told me that he hardened his heart and would not listen when God spoke to his heart about a vocation to marriage.

I was sure that my prayers would be answered and that God's grace would penetrate this man's heart. I was sure that if God was not calling him to the priesthood that there would be no grace for him to fulfill the vocation. Surely the priests on the staff at the seminary would figure out that he was not called? (I later found out that the seminary he chose was notoriously bad and more likely to ruin a true vocation than to discern who did not have one.) It didn't happen.

I would go so far as to suggest that either you or he needs to change colleges; go study somewhere else. Make new friends in a new place. Consider him a completely EX-boyfriend. Don't 'be there for him' when he needs to talk, because that keeps you emotionally wrapped up in a man who is not emotionally wrapped up in you; it keeps you dangling on the hook, being the 'good, supportive Christian woman' who will 'be there for him' when he realizes that he has no call the the priesthood, and comes back to you and wants nothing more than to marry wonderful you. Been there, done that, too.

I would even advise limiting the amount of time you spend in prayer for your ex-boyfriend. Don't make him and his vocation (and your love for him) the focus of your prayer, because that can be misleading and self-indulgent, and can perpetuate feelings that you need to let die. Make yourself and your relationships with God and your family and friends the focus of your prayer. Pray for yourself to be a good student, good friend, good daughter, sister, even good citizen 95% of the time, and pray for your ex-boyfriend 5% of the time.

Can you kneel before God in the tabernacle and say, 'I give him up to You, completely, and now I want only You, Lord?' Can you make your relationship to God just a relationship between you and God? Or is concern for your ex-boyfriend the major thing that you 'talk' about with God? Women tend to fuss and worry and try to 'manage' other people's lives - even in prayer. Are you at risk of talking to God so much about your ex-boyfriend's happiness, that you can only 'hear' God if He seems to be talking about your ex-boyfriend? Could you be missing a call God has for you, because you are only listening for 'news' about your future marriage to your ex-boyfriend?

If God sent another man into your life, would you accept that? Or would you think that you were being disloyal to your ex-boyfriend if you started another relationship, even if you knew that God had sent you someone else? Are you sure that you are open to the possibility of your ex-boyfriend becoming a priest? Are you sure that you consider him your ex-boyfriend, and not just your temporarily-confused-future-husband? Do you find yourself looking for and seizing on stories you hear about men who eventually 'came back' to women they once left (for the priesthood or for some other reason)? (That is, do you look for 'hints' that one day you will marry this man from other sources, outside of prayer?) Are you really 100% open to God's will, even if it means the priesthood for your ex?

You talk like I used to talk, and a good friend of mine, too, who was in the same situation. We were so sure of the messages God gave us in prayer, that one day we would be married to these men.

In both cases, the men became priests.

Beware the spiritual pitfalls that come from hanging your happiness on - and making your prayer life revolve around - a man who is not yours. Somehow you've got to ask God for the grace to let go of your ex-boyfriend, and trust him and his soul and his happiness completely to God. Otherwise, you could be in for a lot of pain and suffering, and could even risk your own relationship to God and future happiness.

I pray you will come through this more easily than I (or my friend) did.

[EnchantedEve]

I will just give my own experience at let you judge:

I often felt I wanted to be a priest, but for various reasons I did not pursue it. One, I felt an allegiance to my family to perpetuate the family name, which at the time I was the last living male with the name. Second, I never felt I had a clear call.

I met my wife in college, adore her, and together we have a wonderful son whom I love more than anything on this earth. I am perfectly happy and have no complaints. (And by the way, I have accomplished perpetuating my name, Check!)

That being said, I am often haunted more than I would like to be by the specter of priestly calling, and this often causes me to wonder if I should have pursued it more than I did. I was in a vocation discernment group in high school and more than one priest and nun told me they thought I had the calling through the years. (Even once in confession, and the priest only heard my voice!). Since then I wish I had done more to sure of my calling, and now think it will be with me all my life, wondering what I should have done.

If I were you, I would let him go. He can never be free of God's call if he truly has it, and you will always wonder how much he could have done for God had he graced His altars. Being as you love God so much and wish to do His will, your joy and love for your boyfriend will grow in new and better ways if he does have a calling, and you will never lack for a spiritual father in time of need. See him as your friend in the journey to salvation, and that will be healing for the loss of your not being together in that sense. I hope my story give you some help.

[Princess18]

Originally Posted by TKC07

My boyfriend and I ended a serious relationship a week ago because he feels the call to enter the seminary. I myself, believed I was called to the religious life since I was 8. But I am now 20 and have fully discerned I am not called to be a nun. I understand why he feels called, and as broken hearted as I am, I support him in this and he knows I do. BUT now he feels that he just needs to continue college here with me to fully discern if he is called to be a priest. I now don't know what to do. As much as I want him to stay here and maybe discover by hanging out with me that he and I are meant to be together, I truly believe he needs to go to the seminary and answer God's call. Isn't it true that if he isn't meant to be a seminary, that God will reject him in one way or another? I know he and I have a good relationship, one truly blessed by God and I think we will someday be blessed in marriage. What should I tell him? How do I help him through this? I don't want to turn him away from either God or me. I'm so confused and I love him so much. I only want what's best for him and that God's will be done. Every time I pray about this, God makes it ever so much clearer to leave my heart open to him. What suggestions does anyone have?
Thank you so much for everything, I'm praying for you all!

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you. I certainly don't know what the right answer is, but I'm happy to point out the big things that I see. Maybe it will be a change of perspective that will help you. At least I hope so.

First, please stop looking at the possibility of him becoming a priest as your loss. Understandably, you may have started to view him as your husband-to-be, so it may feel like he's "leaving you" in a way - but he's not. He's your boyfriend, not your fiance', and certainly not your spouse. Your relationship is in the phase of "discerning for marriage" and either of you is free to walk away at any time without wronging the other. Keep in mind, he could even decide that he does want to be a husband, just not yours. Neither of those things is what you want, but that does not mean that he is unfairly being taken from you. All of us, in discerning our vocation, must (and have) gone through this.

Second, deciding to enter the seminary is not synonymous with becoming a priest. It takes years from that point to become a priest because it takes time to discern if that "relationship" is right, just like it would if he were deciding who he should marry. He certainly would not be the first person to go and change his mind after a while (if that happened), BUT you can't be hoping and praying that he will do that in a timely fashion. It could take YEARS. This is not something you can rush ... and your post feels a little like you want him to hurry and make a decision. "Honey if you're not going to commit now that you'll definitely be my husband one day then you definitely need answer God's call to be a priest, so go ahead and leave for seminary." Why does it have to be immediate? Can't he just stay where he is and keep thinking about it? Please do not push him towards the priesthood because it's easier than having him around undecided.

If you feel that you can't be his friend and not his girlfriend, that's understandable. However, him "not leaving yet" is not the same thing as the two of you being together. It's not likely that you're going to keep dating (read that as: discerning marriage) until he says "I've decided that I'm really leaving for the seminary at the end of the week." People don't switch relationships that fast. It's more likely that he needs to definitely end the relationship and take some time to see how it feels before he makes the decision to leave.

This brings me to point number three. If he's put space between the two of you to begin his discernment, it's not right for you to "hang out with him so he'll see you're meant to be together". That might be comparable to trying to get him to cheat on a new girl he's seeing ... except it's not a new girl, it's God. I believe that you mean it when you say you want what's best for him and that God's will be done, but you have to realize that to be truly supportive like this may require you to be more selfless than you've ever been in your life. you'll have to truly turn it ALL over to God and just be his supportive friend. No ulterior motives, no secret prayers at night that things go your way, no wondering if you could turn him away from God (because you wouldn't do anything akin to "cheating"), no "knowing" that you would have a blessed marriage ... nothing. You wouldn't be okay with dreaming of another woman's fiance, would you?

Everything I've said here is undeniably a herculean feat. I don't know that I could do it, honestly. I'd probably just have to say "I truly wish you the best of luck" and walk away. But you're not me, so hopefully you can be strong enough to support him during this difficult time. I suspect his fear of the pain he'd cause you (both real and imagined) is hindering his decision. He could be afraid it would hurt you too much if he ended your relationship, OR he could feel that if he hurts you this way he BETTER become a priest ... either way he is not really making his decision freely. Making him feel free to truly discern is the probably the best thing you can do to help him.

I wish you the best, you are in my prayers ... but I'm willing to bet you are going to be just fine. Your heart is already in the right place.

[Kristopher]

Maybe your boyfriend will obtain a master's degree through seminary, and become a teacher--it is a degree anyone may obtain through seminary.

I understand that vocation means: God drawing nearer to us. I understand: Jesus is whom God gave in order for people to become adopted and heirs to God's life. Jesus may be known through matrimony, Holy Orders, and remaining single. It is in the Holy Spirit this happens, as I understand it--I have just been reading the CotCC about this.

It is good of you to be friends--you sound very much like you are aware that one day you will be married; though, it may be to someone else, other than with whom you are now friends. Make sure you continue your own life, your own vocation.

[Kristopher]

Some other points coming to mind: people who are engaged--they are engaged; it is a relationship, which should perhaps come to an end, and rightfully so.

The other point: discerning your vocation--it seems to me, that it has little to do with the word "relationship", and more to do with the word "service". That I think is where the question of "what is the right fit?", comes into play. Is it happier, and a more suitable lifestyle, to commit to handing the faith down to others through Holy Orders, or Holy Matrimony, or simpy--remaining single, whatever that may mean.

There is no question of relationship with respect to vocation, because we are all called to seek, to know, and to love God, that relationship is very clear. I will repeat, (What I read in the CotCC.), God draws near to us at every time, and every place, and he does this through giving us Jesus, and we do this in the Holy Spirit. Keep your eye on your vocation--I think that is all you really are doing in being with your friend.

[Evangelouise]

Thank you, everyone!

Three days ago, my boyfriend told me that he is entering the seminary. The wound is still fresh and hurting, but the more time goes on, the more I realize that I am NOT alone; I have people upon whom I can lean in my struggle and anyone who reads this after me should know that too. People are praying for you!

Another thing I am learning is the power of prayer. I knew that he was still discerning, so I prayed for his discernment and for me to be able to accept whichever God willed. God is truly amazing because for the last couple of weeks he gave me a warning in my heart that this was coming.

Although we are meant to follow our passions, we must be able to drop them instantaneously at God's demand. Agape - self-sacrificing love for God. He would not give this situation to us if He didn't think we could handle it.

I truly believe that my boyfriend and I were brought into each others' lives to improve our characters, to make us better Catholic Christians. Now, God has deemed that the changes that were meant to be made have been made. Thanks be to God!

God bless all of you!