What do you do when your parents disappoint you?

[Psalm 51]

Over the past decade my mother has promised to come to a family event, either a performance by a grandchild or to visit, but at the last minute changes her mind and says she's not feeling well. My daughter just got married last weekend and my mother and father said they would be at the wedding and at the last minute, once again, changed their minds.

I am very offended by their selfish actions and want to communicate the message that their behavior is unacceptable. It's tough to forgive and honor them when out of pure selfishness and not getting their way (Mom got mad because at the last minute she decided to change her hair appointment and we could not accomodate the delay in time in helping them get to the wedding) so they chose to be inconsiderate and not to keep their word. My daughter was very upset with them.

I don't even want to talk with them anymore and am thinking about not answering their future phone calls. They need to apologize to us before I'm willing to forgive them. Is this the right way to honor and forgive someone?

[Michelle Arnold]

A decade seems long enough to get the message that your parents act and react in certain ways and are very likely to cancel at the last minute. I do not say this to excuse them for not showing up at their own granddaughter's wedding, which I agree is inexcusable unless they really were ill or unable to travel on their own. I say it to point out to you that the time has long since arrived in your parents' lives when you may need to take more of an active role in caretaking for them. If you choose not to do so, then you can only blame yourself if your parents continue to disappoint you.

Keep in mind that I am not saying that you should treat them as children. I am only saying that you may gradually need to take more and more responsibility for seeing to it that they meet their obligations. If they agree to attend an event, make arrangements right away for their transportation (rather than waiting for them to cancel at the last minute on the grounds that they are unable to travel on their own). If you show up to take them to an event and they claim they are ill, treat them as if they really are ill. "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. I'll be happy to make an appointment for you with your doctor first thing after the wedding. In the meantime, I'll make sure the bride and groom know to stop by to visit with you after they leave the reception."

Basically, the way to honor your parents under these circumstances is to accept that they are getting old and need more active caretaking. If they protest that they do not need you to give them transportation or take them to the doctor or such, then you can point out that you know that they would not deliberately hurt their family by not attending important events unless they truly were ill or physically incapable, and so you all need to sit down and figure out exactly why they have been unable to meet their obligations.

Recommended reading:

God Help Me! These People Are Driving Me Nuts by Gregory K. Popcak
When Difficult Relatives Happen to Good People by Leonard Felder