Where is God?

[cmont11]

I feel like my life has no purpose, I have tried to pray and go to church to figure it out. Maybe I'm to blinded but I see no answer. I have all this anger and sadness inside me and lately all I can do is cry. This overwhelming feeling of worthlessness comes over me and I can't function. My life was very hard growing up I had a father who broke me down so bad, and made me feel like I was never good enough. He was abusive to my mother and she was too scared to stand up to him. When I was 16 he kicked me out of my house. My dad told my brothers to throw all my things out. Ten years later it still kills me to remember that day, all my clothes and belongings were thrown outside like trash. The reason I was kicked out was because, I told him I was not afraid of him and I wouldn't let him treat all of us the way he did. I would always defend my mom and cry for him not to hit her. I was about 10 years old the first time I stood up to him and begged him not to hit my mom I hugged him as hard as I could and I didn't let go. He made a promise to change but he didn't. I still remember being 9 years old and telling my brothers and sisters to go hide out in the room until the arguing was over. I would stay out at the hall way to make sure my mom was ok, he would threaten to kill her and he would use guns and knives to intimidate her. All that is over and things are better between them, it's not perfect but he doesn't have that violent hold on my mom anymore. We are all grown up and only one brother and sister live at home. My two brothers and older sister have tried to move on and get our lives together but no matter how much time goes by we still have that feeling of not being good enough. It's been really hard I am always doubting myself I feel so worthless at times. I feel like I don't deserve anything good in life. I don't understand why God put me in this situation, I feel like I was not strong enough to handle it the right way I couldn't live my life and do what I needed to do. I didn't graduate from high school I just got my GED, I have a job that I dislike so much. I struggle to get up and go in to work some days but I try really hard to stay positive. I'm going to college part time but it's a struggle. I grew up with the idea that I was not meant to go to college, and it's so hard to change that thought. I feel like a failure and I don't understand why God gave me this kind of life, I don't want to pray anymore I don't want to believe in God anymore because I feel like imp let down all the time. I used to pray to God so much when I was young and ask for things to be different and hope we didn't have to suffer anymore, it didn't stop and nothing changed. I feel like everything I went through just tore me apart. I feel even worse when I see all these people I went to school with and their already graduated with their good career. And here I am stuck with all this pain and hurt I feel like God didn't listen to my prayers. I forgive my parents but it's so hard to forget. I guess I'm seeking some sign so I don't feel hopeless, but in all honesty I don't know that it will change how I feel. I am exausted and feel defeated from dealing with all these emotions I dont know what to do anymore.