It'd be easier if he WERE dead

[Melissa]

Let's just say that if there is a worse way to break one's marriage vows than what my husband did, I really don't want to know what it is.

On April 25, my husband decided to rape another woman. He was arrested on April 28 and after the victim didn't come to the preliminary hearing, he was released from jail on May 4 (our 19th wedding anniversary). The DA is currently presenting/planning to present the case to the grand jury and he should be under indictment soon. Although the legal system is required to consider him innocent at the moment, I am not. Based on the three conversations with me while he was in jail (and two with oldest son), there is no doubt whatsoever in my mind that he is guilty of the charge. Whether the legal system can prove it is another thing, but if they don't prove force, they're going to get him on the second degree charges (he was arrested on first degree charges).

During our marriage, he had been emotionally/verbally abusive to me, and as I'm finding out also to the children (as well as some physical abuse with them that I didn't know about). I currently have an order of protection against him so that he cannot come to the house or where I work or communicate with me in any way. Yet he's done what he can to create trouble by taking money out of a joint account (making outstanding transactions bounce), removing the only reliable transportation from me and the children despite the fact that I'm the only one who still has a job + I have the four children.

I wish at least he were back in jail so I wouldn't have to live in fear. There've been a few sightings of him in places where ... technically ... he has every right to be, but it is certainly suspicious. It's been my habit to go to a particular gas station on the way home from Mass -- last Sunday, he was there despite the fact that he never goes to that particular station (he prefers the one that's across the street from that station for their coffee) at the very time that I normally would've been there gassing up (but I'd spent a little time talking to parishioners after Mass about how we're doing and was later than usual). His behavior at our first appearance for the temp. order of protection got the court officers' attention (he was pacing in front of the doorway before the hearing while I was in the little waiting room and he was in the hall, which disturbed the court officer at the check-in desk; after, he was waiting on a bench outside watching for me to leave, but I had an escort of two court officers all the way to where my car was parked). Then yesterday, he showed up at another business place where I was (but I was already in the car my father's loaning me so that I have a reliable way of getting back and forth to work and everything else).

Monday, I'm going to the lawyer's office to give him the retainer and start the divorce. I'm just so tired of feeling like I have to be on guard, scraping for money to cover bills (my magnificent income of $16k last year before taxes is "too much" for a family of 5 to get cash benefits, though we will be getting food stamps), and I'd like to go ahead and get to our new location (with a much lower cost of living, amongst other pluses) and move on with our lives. If he were at all rational, he'd be agreeing to everything so that he can concentrate on his criminal matter, but he won't ... if he can "stick it to" me, he will, no matter how bad it makes him look.

[Miserys_Fence]

I'll be praying for you, Melissa. You're doing the right thing by getting out and as far away from this jackass as possible.

I know it's hard, even so.


Miz

[Melissa]

Well, now the waiting game begins. ... Lawyer will have him served early next week with the papers we've come up with.

If he signs the agreement I'm giving him the 'green car' (a 2000 Voyager which is fit only for the scrap heap) and the 'red car' (a 2002 Caravan that's bluebook $4500) and his tools and clothes. I'll be taking the real treasure of the marriage--sole custody of all four children.

Then again, it might not matter. Apparently the DA contacted his lawyer to offer a plea deal which involves a 25 year sentence. Yeah, that's the *plea* ... obviously I'm not privy to any details, but that sure says they've got a rock solid case. So if he goes to prison ... well, he's not going to need any of the stuff, either.

[Melissa]

Well, the cable/internet was the one bill in his name, and I was not allowed by the company to change it over to my name. So, yesterday, he cut it off. I think that was in retaliation for me changing the phone number (without announcement of the new number because we'd been getting all these hang up calls since he got out of jail w/ the order of protection in place and I *know* but cannot prove it was him). Unfortunately, they're way behind because of Memorial Day so I can't get service restored at home until the 14th.

I'm posting from a public library at the moment. I didn't want to "disappear" with people knowing about what's going on because you'd probably worry. But things are otherwise going pretty well, and after I get those services restored, the only control he'll retain is the power to not sign the agreement (the provisions of which will be part of the divorce) ... but he'd be stupid not to--but then again, I think there's a fair probability he won't just because he wants to be a jerk and cause me maximum difficulties in life.

[Melissa]

Cable and internet are back on (and now in *my* name ... so all the bills of the house are in my name). No word yet as to whether he's going to sign the opt-out agreement or not.

However, he is fighting on the order of protection. A sensible decision would be the settlement which is to "agree without admission" which would allow my temporary order to become permanent (two years, in NYS, is apparently "permanent") but he wouldn't do that, so there's another court date (which I hope becomes moot) in August when there'd be a trial on whether I should have the order or not. Does he realize that I can dredge up *all* the character stuff about him (like the time he threatened to kill someone at the utility company) and that despite his denial of saying that he would break my fingers, there is a witness (I'm not sure if he can be used, however, since it is one of my children--my 16yo).

And, being the total idiot he is he says that one reason he won't agree is because of my plans to leave the state w/ the children and that if the order's in place he can't come back to the address where I'm currently living (um, hello--this order can be amended--if I moved across town, it would be amended to my new address and the current address would be removed from the order; no difference about moving to another state) to get his stuff. So he's now on record as not caring about me and the children re-locating, but he *does* care about getting his stuff.

Meanwhile, in the opt out agreement, I'm giving him a lot of stuff (like a car worth $4500, ceding my interest in his retirement fund which is still his despite being fired, not asking for spousal support, and his tools) so that I can take the real treasure of the marriage. I'm more than willing to give up stuff so as to get the kids to a better environment.

[PrayForMe23]

Melissa,

I pray so for your health and well being, as well of that of your children. I have not been in a relationship that terrible, much less a marriage that terrible. I am sorry that you had to put up with such and wish there were more I could do for you. I pray that you will be a much stronger person for all that you have gone through, and will probably go through. I understand how it would be easier if he had died instead. Though those are your true feelings, it is a shame that it you feel that way. Nothing that happens should ever feel worse than if a spouse had died. Please, do not think I hold any blame for you or the children. For I most definitely hold him entirely to the blame. Ah, but the wonder of His future... of His promises of a better world. How I so look forward to that so there will never be any more of this pain and suffering.

I will continue to keep you in thoughts and prayers.

Chris

[Melissa]

Well, we've given up on the idea of him being willing to do the right thing by his children, and are moving on to the adversarial divorce. He's now saying that he will fight our relocation "tooth and nail" but I have every confidence that, given the extreme nature of the situation, we will prevail.

He has filed a family court petition asking for custody and visitation (he's got to be out of his mind re: custody--I mean, he's living with his brother in a 2 bedroom place and getting kicked out of there every other weekend when his brother has visitation with his son [i.e., STBX's nephew]), and the children don' t want to see him and I've got a Ph.D. psychologist whose opinion is that it is in the children's best interest to move and have extremely limited and supervised contact with their father.

The thing is, before all this happened, he was next to an absentee father when it came to his interaction with the children, and that in the words of my children, when he came home "all he did was yell and swear at us" and occasionally he'd put on the "Disney Dad" act. He was in the neighborhood the other day and caught two of the children outside, middle son stayed in the street while daughter rushed to the house and then middle son went in after she was in--he was pumping my son for information, but my son just refused to answer anything (being smart enough to see through what his father was up to even though I've never said anything about what to do in that sort of event).

My next legal hurdle right now is the hearing wherein I am trying to keep my order of protection against him (and turn it "permanent" which, in NYS means 2 years) while he's arguing that I don't need it.

[Melissa]

So--we went to court, and my "A" order was made a "B" by agreement (I really didn't want to have to put son on the stand). Of course, he immediately takes advantage by starting to stalk me on Sunday (he was not in church, but outside and as he drives faster he passed me, then drove by our house, and then turned to go to the grocery store we were going to go to (while the place he's living is in the opposite direction of the grocery) and then coming to the parish festival to plop down in a chair immediately next to Andrew, who told him to back off and get away from him. I told him he needed to quit stalking me and leave now, and when he stayed, I called the police. So we have the first police report, and if he continues, I'll be able to get him arrested for the Order of Protection violation.

Custody/visitation hearing was dismissed because Family Court doesn't have jurisdiction in the matter because I had already filed for divorce. So, contrary to his wishes, there remains no order for visitation. My children most adamantly do not wish to see him, and my expert's recommendation is for restricted and very gradual time to be spent with my STBX. What STBX still doesn't seem to grasp is that the children's desire to *not* see him has little to do with the criminal charges and everything to do with the fact that over the past 3 months they've learned what it's like to live without being verbally abused.

So now that there's a lawyer involved (finally--my lawyer had repeatedly said 'consult an attorney' w/ respect to the agreement proposals we offered), we're giving two more weeks for him to come to an amicable solution and then my lawyer will switch into "attack dog" mode. The divorce itself isn't a question--STBX is screwed there because he is either a rapist or an adulterer, and either way I have my grounds for divorce proved. There's just not enough "stuff" to fight over (and I'm pretty much willing to walk away from all of it), for me to have custody is likewise a no-brainer, the only point of contention is the relocation. Of course, he still hasn't offered a penny of support for the children.

[Melissa]

Well, there is now a court date.

He's been stalking pretty continuously, but finally started laying low this past week. I'm still apprehensive.

Word is, too, that the DA has offered a plea again, so the criminal charges have *not* gone away. This may be part of the reason why he's laying so low because both things hit him at the same time--the renewal of the criminal matter after he'd thought he'd "gotten off" *and* getting served with the papers for the court date in two weeks.

My parents are busy getting plumbing work done in the house we'll be moving to, as well as repainting according to colors that I and the children have picked out. I had, some months ago, run across a Martha Stewart magazine that featured these "superneutrals" and that's what I'm going with--and new bedding and all that sort of thing.

Whether he wants it or not (and I know the 'no decisions' thing has been working better for him than it has for me), a time of decision is fast approaching, and decisions *will* be made whether he likes it or not.

I've determined that I am not going to seek an annulment of the marriage after the divorce. I truly believe that it is a valid marriage, it's just that due to the abuse, the children and I cannot safely live with him, and I need the financial protections that will be afforded me by the civil divorce.

[Melissa]

It's been a long, hard slog.

The stalking continued until he was finally arrested again (for violating the court order and stalking). He managed to get off on a misdemeanor charge with the rape case, but now he's a convicted felon because of the criminal contempt charge (when he gets out, he'll probably blame me, not himself). From the criminal court, I now have a full stay-away order of protection which is valid for 8 years.

My divorce is now final and I have sole custody of my four children. Two of them are in counseling, the other two are doing miraculously well. After a lot of difficulty here (a long stretch of unemployment--by long, I mean almost four months--well, I've been working part time for awhile now "part time is better than no time", but I finally have a full time job, too (keeping the part time job for the time being--I need the extra bit of income).

It is really hard, though. Money is still pretty tight, and I feel pretty worn out.

[Fran65]

I'm not surprised that you are worn out. You have been through so much, but have done so well for your children and kept your sanity. There are not many who have your strength and conviction.

You will be in my prayers!

God Bless