Coffee (Clean Joke)

Tietjen · #1 Oct 26, '11, 1:00 am

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says: "HEBREWS"

Okay that is my annual attempt at posting a joke. Take care all and God bless.

choose to love · #2 Oct 26, '11, 7:32 am

An old married couple, he's 99, she's 98, go to the doctor, because he's not feeling well. The doctor examines the man, and says to him, "We'll have to get a blood sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample."

The man, being a little hard of hearing, says to his wife, "What'd he say?"

The wife replies, "Show him your underwear."

courtesy of the great Irish entertainer Seamus Kennedy

bbbinson123 · #3 Oct 26, '11, 7:36 am

way too funny, had a good laugh

barb finnegan · #4 Oct 26, '11, 7:53 am

The first two jokes were pretty funny!

Last one was kind of gross.

Well, I needed something to smile about on a rainy and dreary day!

choose to love · #5 Oct 26, '11, 8:45 am

shoot, I'm sorry.

Catholic90 · #6 Oct 26, '11, 8:13 pm

Thy are great!

Pfaffenhoffen · #7 Oct 27, '11, 3:30 pm

Unknown source

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, thw wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband: "You can have shipped home for $5.000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150. The man thought about it and told him he would justhave her sipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5.000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?

The man replied; "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later He rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance..."

Catholic90 · #8 Oct 27, '11, 6:00 pm

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"

Pfaffenhoffen · #9 Oct 27, '11, 11:59 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catholic90

"

I lost the site address where I took it

How To Out Run A Bear

Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

The second guy says, "What are you doing?"

He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."

The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."

The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun you."

Catholic90 · #10 Oct 28, '11, 6:25 am

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." ...

**Ridgerunner** · #11 Oct 28, '11, 6:42 am

The bear one reminded me of this one.

In some park in Canada there is a big sign with warnings on it about bears.

Paraphrasing, it then says it is important to carry certain gear in order to let bears know you are around. It recommended attaching little bells to your clothing and carrying pepper spray in case one attacks.

It then said it is important to know the difference between the signs that black bears are around and that grizzly bears are around, because grizzly bears are much more dangerous.

Among other things, it talked about how to distinguish between black bear feces and grizzly bear feces. It went something like this:

"Black bear feces reflect their diet. Indicative are berry seeds and the fur of small animals like squirrels"

"Grizzly bear feces also reflect their diet. Indicative are sizeable bone fragments, little bells, and it smells like pepper."

Catholic90 · #12 Oct 28, '11, 6:52 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ridgerunner

"Black bear feces reflect their diet. Indicative are berry seeds and the fur of small animals like squirrels"

"Grizzly bear feces also reflect their diet. Indicative are sizeable bone fragments, little bells, and it smells like pepper."

Catholic90 · #13 Oct 28, '11, 6:53 am

At New York's Kennedy airport today an individual was arrested, later determined to be a public school teacher, trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. The Home Land Security believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The man was being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a very fearsome movement, indeed", the Home Land Security reported. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on a tangents in a search of absolute value. They consist of shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. "As the great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are three sides to every triangle." When the President was asked to comment on the arrest, he said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."...

choose to love · #14 Oct 28, '11, 6:56 am

OK, with everyone's indulgence, I'll try again.

Two guys go deer hunting for the first time, and they get a buck. They begin to take it back to the truck, but they are dragging it by the legs, and the antlers are getting stuck in the underbrush, so it is difficult.

Another hunter happens by, and says, "You know, boys, it goes a lot faster if you pull by the antlers."

The two buddies begin to pull the deer by the antlers, and it is much easier.

The first guy says to the his buddy, "That guy was right. This is much easier."

The second guy says, "yeah, but we're getting farther away from the truck."

choose to love · #15 Oct 28, '11, 6:58 am

Same two guys decide to go bear hunting. On the way, they came to sign on the road which said "Bear Left", so they went home.