How to deal with strict parents?

Marie384 · #1 Jan 22, '12, 4:28 pm

I've grown up with very strict parents, and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm 19 years old and they refuse to let me date until after college. I wasn't even allowed to choose my own college, since they refuse to let me live out of the house. I'm still not allowed to sleep over at my friends' houses or dorms (I have on some rare occasions, such as prom). I don't think I'm a bad child - I never partied or did anything bad, and even even if I tried, it would be impossible since I can't sleep over anywhere. I make good grades and I'm relatively focused and driven. I volunteer every weekend both in and out of my church (sorry it seems like I'm listing my resume). They look down upon my friends who have boyfriends, and get upset when I hang out with them.

I've tried to reason with them, but it seems to be impossible. I'm not enjoying my college life at all, especially since it's not a college I wanted to attend. However, they would never let me transfer because they see college only as a place of study, and enjoying it to be secondary. Of course people have told me to move out, but I don't have the money and my parents would look down upon me as the the most impractical and immature child if I were to take out a loan and move out. Living with them is not the main problem, it's trying to get them to understand that I'm ready to transition to being independent. I understand they have no ill intent and that they're not doing this to deliberately hurt me. However, I've definitely grown a resentment towards my parents, and I know it's not right since they've done so much for me paying for my college education and providing me with so many extra material goods. But it's really starting to drive me crazy. I've grown to be unhappy and discontent with my life, even though I'm so privileged. There's this great guy that I've gotten close to, and I'd love to introduce him to my parents, but I can't do that either. Everything is so frustrating. Any advice?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Catholic90 · #2 Jan 22, '12, 5:13 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marie384

I've grown up with very strict parents, and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm 19 years old and they refuse to let me date until after college. I wasn't even allowed to choose my own college, since they refuse to let me live out of the house. I'm still not allowed to sleep over at my friends' houses or dorms (I have on some rare occasions, such as prom). I don't think I'm a bad child - I never partied or did anything bad, and even even if I tried, it would be impossible since I can't sleep over anywhere. I make good grades and I'm relatively focused and driven. I volunteer every weekend both in and out of my church (sorry it seems like I'm listing my resume). They look down upon my friends who have boyfriends, and get upset when I hang out with them.

I've tried to reason with them, but it seems to be impossible. I'm not enjoying my college life at all, especially since it's not a college I wanted to attend. However, they would never let me transfer because they see college only as a place of study, and enjoying it to be secondary. Of course people have told me to move out, but I don't have the money and my parents would look down upon me as the the most impractical and immature child if I were to take out a loan and move out. Living with them is not the main problem, it's trying to get them to understand that I'm ready to transition to being independent. I understand they have no ill intent and that they're not doing this to deliberately hurt me. However, I've definitely grown a resentment towards my parents, and I know it's not right since they've done so much for me paying for my college education and providing me with so many extra material goods. But it's really starting to drive me crazy. I've grown to be unhappy and discontent with my life, even though I'm so privileged. There's this great guy that I've gotten close to, and I'd love to introduce him to my parents, but I can't do that either. Everything is so frustrating. Any advice?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

Well, you are 19 - an adult. Do they dictate whom you can have lunch with? Get creative and meet great guy for lunch between classes. Find a job and start saving money. Research other colleges, scholarships, grants, loans. Put together a presentation on where you want to go to college, what scholarships, grants, and loans you can get, etc. SHOW THEM how independent you can be!

They are doing you no favors by holding you back. Are they dictating your major area of study too?

DexUK · #3 Jan 22, '12, 5:18 pm

My goodness, they do sound a bit puritanical, don't they?

I dare say they only have your best interests at heart though. Do you have any friends or relatives who might be able intercede for you that they might listen to?

musicality · #4 Jan 22, '12, 5:19 pm

Wow. Clearly, your parents are having a control issue and are having a bit of trouble letting you go.

Have you considered involving a priest, counselor, or another person who your parents would receive well? I sincerely doubt that any adult would side with your parents in this situation. That being said, you are an adult. From your post, it sounds as though you want to approach this situation like an adult.

Google might help you find a few more ideas, but here is how I would approach the situation:

"Mom, Dad, we need to talk. I'd appreciate it if we could sit down for a few minutes and have a frank and calm conversation about my adulthood. I realize how lucky I am to have parents like you, and I will always value and need your input in my life. That being said, I am an adult. As an adult, it is imperative that I maintain control over my decisions and the direction of my life. I appreciate your concern for me; however, I think that you have overstepped your responsibility as parents.

I know that I still have much to learn about myself and the best way for me to live my life. In order to do so, I need to experience certain things for myself, as an individual, and without as much oversight from you. I hope that you will respect and support my position to do so. I am firmly convinced that I should be afforded some more freedom."

You may also want to point out some of the relationship opportunities that you are missing out on through their control. One of the best opportunities at college is to build a personal network.

All of this being said, you need to make it abundantly clear that you are vehemently opposed to the type of control that they are exerting over you. Be firm in whatever stance you choose to take. Normally, I would tell you to be willing to compromise, but it doesn't seem appropriate in this case.

Full disclosure: I'm a senior in college... hours away from my parents. If they're lucky I'll call them tonight.

JoArtist · #5 Jan 22, '12, 5:19 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Catholic90

Well, you are 19 - an adult. Do they dictate whom you can have lunch with? Get creative and meet great guy for lunch between classes. Find a job and start saving money. Research other colleges, scholarships, grants, loans. Put together a presentation on where you want to go to college, what scholarships, grants, and loans you can get, etc. SHOW THEM how independent you can be!

They are doing you no favors by holding you back. Are they dictating your major area of study too?

I agree with this. Even if they don't agree, make a plan to move out on your own if possible. You can try to reason with them and show them you are able to be independent, but that is all. Possibly you and a few friends can even rent an apartment together. This can keep down costs while giving you more independence.

I understand where you are coming from. I am in my mid-thirties, married, and living on the opposite end of the country and some of my family still tries to control what I do. You need to take initiative and earn your independence.

joanofarc2008 · #6 Jan 22, '12, 5:50 pm

Talk to your priest. See if he can mediate a sit down with your parents. Good luck.

momfromwi · #7 Jan 22, '12, 6:37 pm

I consider myself a strict parent, however I do this in the hopes that my children will learn something from me and make the right choices on their own when they leave the nest. I think a visit to your priest is a must, and then a talk with your parents. Obviously they have raised a lovely girl who has transitioned to a seemingly wonderful woman - they should be proud! Are they afraid to let you go because they will miss you - "emtpy nest syndrome"? Is there something missing in their marriage and you're the one who fills that void - they are able to focus on you instead of their own problems? Are they truly afraid you are going to get into trouble or do they like to throw their control around instead of doing what is best for you at this age, which is allowing you to make your own decisions.

If they are paying for college, I think you need to get a part-time job, and also go to your college's financial aid office and apply for a loan (do NOT have your parents co-sign). As long as you are tied to them financially, they will always use that as an excuse to have more control over your decisions. I went through that, and getting my own loans and working was the best decision I ever made for my parents and I. I learned how to be on my own, manage money, and college was that much more important because I had to work for it. And my parents starting treating me like an adult instead of a teenager!

Let your parents know that you will always love them and your upbringing, and you know they are always there if you need advice or guidance, but you feel it's important now to start acting like a responsible adult.

Good luck!

Norseman82 · #8 Jan 22, '12, 8:05 pm

What culture are you from? Are your parents immigrants? Sometimes the root of these issues is cultural.

Katie966 · #9 Jan 23, '12, 4:58 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by momfromwi

If they are paying for college, I think you need to get a part-time job, and also go to your college's financial aid office and apply for a loan (do NOT have your parents co-sign). As long as you are tied to them financially, they will always use that as an excuse to have more control over your decisions. I went through that, and getting my own loans and working was the best decision I ever made for my parents and I. I learned how to be on my own, manage money, and college was that much more important because I had to work for it. And my parents starting treating me like an adult instead of a teenager!

I think this is what you need to do. It is not "impractical and immature" to take out a loan for school or move out of your parents' house. I understand that you love them and are grateful to them, but you are not obligated to take money from them for college or anything else. Paying for your own college education isn't easy at all- and I'll be paying for it for a long time, but it's worth it. It's unfortunate that your parents are being unreasonable. As an adult, they cannot "refuse" to allow you to do anything- but that means you have to make a choice regarding whether you will continue to accept financial support from them, including a place to live. You use the word "child" several times in your post- yes, you will always be their child, but you are an adult now- I think it would be wise to start thinking of yourself that way.

Wackotrad · #10 Jan 23, '12, 6:22 am

Your parents, as described here anyway, sound completely unreasonable to me.

That said, though, I don't know if moving out, getting college loans, etc is a sound option. College tuition and living on your own is expensive, no question about it. Is it worth it to go into piles of debt just to get out from under your parents' thumb?

My advice is to try and make lemons out of lemonade as much as you can...try to have as much fun in college as is reasonably and morally possible, maybe expand your social circle, get involved in other things. What is it about your college that you don't like?

Another one of your priorities should be to make yourself as marketable as you can to future employers: Do several internships, get involved in an academic fraternity or major-related clubs and groups, etc. The last thing you want is to be stuck unemployed or underemployed after graduation from college and not be able to move out.

garn9173 · #11 Jan 23, '12, 6:30 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marie384

I've grown up with very strict parents, and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm 19 years old and they refuse to let me date until after college. I wasn't even allowed to choose my own college, since they refuse to let me live out of the house. I'm still not allowed to sleep over at my friends' houses or dorms (I have on some rare occasions, such as prom). I don't think I'm a bad child - I never partied or did anything bad, and even even if I tried, it would be impossible since I can't sleep over anywhere. I make good grades and I'm relatively focused and driven. I volunteer every weekend both in and out of my church (sorry it seems like I'm listing my resume). They look down upon my friends who have boyfriends, and get upset when I hang out with them.

I've tried to reason with them, but it seems to be impossible. I'm not enjoying my college life at all, especially since it's not a college I wanted to attend. However, they would never let me transfer because they see college only as a place of study, and enjoying it to be secondary. Of course people have told me to move out, but I don't have the money and my parents would look down upon me as the the most impractical and immature child if I were to take out a loan and move out. Living with them is not the main problem, it's trying to get them to understand that I'm ready to transition to being independent. I understand they have no ill intent and that they're not doing this to deliberately hurt me. However, I've definitely grown a resentment towards my parents, and I know it's not right since they've done so much for me paying for my college education and providing me with so many extra material goods. But it's really starting to drive me crazy. I've grown to be unhappy and discontent with my life, even though I'm so privileged. There's this great guy that I've gotten close to, and I'd love to introduce him to my parents, but I can't do that either. Everything is so frustrating. Any advice?

Sorry for such a long post. Thank you for taking the time to read this!

I'm sorry you have such strict parents, I really cann't offer much advice for you. But your parents have to know that you are an adult and unfortuanely, it sounds like they are having a hard time "letting go".

When I left for college, I don't know who was more exicted, myself starting out on a journey, or my Dad who was giddy to get me out of the house (that's in a good way).

dixieagle · #12 Jan 23, '12, 7:34 am

My husband and I were also considered pretty "strict parents", but your folks do seem to be taking it to the extreme. (I also wonder if this is a cultural thing...) We encouraged our girls to apply to a number of colleges; one chose a school far away, and the other wanted to stay close to home, and actually chose to live with us until she married at 23.

As long as you are taking their money and living under their roof, they get to call the shots. However, you are over the age of 18, and it is entirely up to you to decide if you wish to take on the responsibilities of living independently. As others posters have mentioned, you could certainly get student loans and a part time job which would cover your living expenses. The choice is yours.

Our job as parents is to raise good Catholic young people who are capable of making sound, sensible, moral choices... not to keep them under our thumbs until they are well into adulthood.

SamH · #13 Jan 23, '12, 7:40 am

You are 19 years old. Show them they don't control you by living an independent happy life.

Marie384 · #14 Jan 23, '12, 8:19 am

Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it's extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I'm not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It's a small Catholic university, and I've gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It's truly a tough situation.

garn9173 · #15 Jan 23, '12, 8:57 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marie384

Thank you for all the responses.

I do believe culture is a part of it - you could call them stereotypical strict Asian parents, but I do think it's extreme. The hard part about moving out is, as one person mentioned, I'm not sure going through all the trouble getting loans and finding a place with some friends is worth the attempt to escape their control over me. I guess my biggest fear is failure. I have two older siblings who went through the same thing, however they were completely okay with living at home, so they never tried to get out. (My parents made us all go to the same university. Granted, it is a good school, yet I do not feel it suits me. It's a small Catholic university, and I've gone through Catholic school all my life, including an all-girls high school.) Being the youngest AND moving out a the youngest age is going against everything my family believes in. It's truly a tough situation.

That's a rough situation. First thing I would do for yourself is talk to a family counsler and i'm sure at some point, your parents will be bought into this and i'm sure it won't be an easything to do, but if you are ready to leave the nest, and if your parents truly love you, your parents will have to understand this and more importanly be supportive of you in your decision.