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  #46  
Old Apr 12, '12, 7:22 am
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anp1215 anp1215 is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by Allegra View Post
It's not the way I'd do it, but I don't see why anyone would have a problem with children not being invited to a wedding. Some people find children rude, needy, and distasteful. Better the children not be aroud such people. Also, some people don't think they're really having fun unless their sloppy drunk and air-humping to profane music. I wish such individuals WOULD ban children from their receptions. Finally, some people invite grownups to weddings who have twelve children or really horrible children and they may decide to say "no children, please" to everyone rather than "Not YOUR children!" to a few couples. At anyrate, I wouldn't take offense.
I can't see any moral reason not to attend the wedding because you are miffed with your future sister-in-law. I think the right thing to do is leave it up to your husband. After all, it is his brother and he is the one who is more likely to deeply regret it if he doesn't attend. There are probably several child-care alternatives that would make the event possible. You could attend only the ceremony and the dinner. If the reception is in a hotel, you could have a family member, friend, or trustworthy teenager stay with the children in a room and you could be at hand for nursing and in case of emergency. (This worked quite well at my cousin's wedding. Children weren't banned, but it was too long of an event for the babies.)
I agree with you. I just say, I think it's silly, but hey, it's their wedding.
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  #47  
Old Apr 12, '12, 8:31 am
SamH SamH is offline
 
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by Pink_Lemonade View Post
The issue of inviting spouses is different than inviting children. For a couple with limited resources and/or space, inviting a couple is not the same as inviting a couple plus potentially several children. If we had invited children of non-family members, we would have had to get a larger room and spent quite a bit more. It's not always just because people want an adult-only reception, and not necessarily because the couple just doesn't like children.

These ARE family members.
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  #48  
Old Apr 12, '12, 9:44 am
Pink_Lemonade Pink_Lemonade is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by SamH View Post
These ARE family members.
I was merely giving an example from personal circumstances. It doesn't change the point.
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  #49  
Old Apr 12, '12, 9:48 am
SJG1759 SJG1759 is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by SamH View Post
These ARE family members.
Um... no, they aren't. We're talking about children of guests who are not family members - e.g. the bride/groom's friends from college. These children are family members of the guests but not of the happy couple. As someone above pointed out, if the happy couple had to invite every child of every wedding guest, it could easily double the guest list - and thus the space needed and the number of meals to buy. If the couple's on a tight budget, that might not be an option.
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  #50  
Old Apr 12, '12, 1:06 pm
SamH SamH is offline
 
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by SJG1759 View Post
Um... no, they aren't. We're talking about children of guests who are not family members - e.g. the bride/groom's friends from college. These children are family members of the guests but not of the happy couple. As someone above pointed out, if the happy couple had to invite every child of every wedding guest, it could easily double the guest list - and thus the space needed and the number of meals to buy. If the couple's on a tight budget, that might not be an option.
So you've started a new thread without starting a new thread?
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  #51  
Old Apr 12, '12, 1:32 pm
EasterJoy EasterJoy is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pink_Lemonade View Post
The issue of inviting spouses is different than inviting children. For a couple with limited resources and/or space, inviting a couple is not the same as inviting a couple plus potentially several children. If we had invited children of non-family members, we would have had to get a larger room and spent quite a bit more. It's not always just because people want an adult-only reception, and not necessarily because the couple just doesn't like children.
Yes. Spouses are an inseparable social unit; parents and children are not. It is impolite to have a mixed-gender social event (rather than a business event) and to not invite spouses. No one is bound to invite children to every event to which they invite the children's parents, not even if the children in question are one's nieces and nephews. (If the child being left out of the family event was a fellow sibling old enough to remember the event ever happened, that would usually be different.)

It is not impolite to continue to have adult-only family events after some family members have children, nor to invite couples who have had children to adult-only events. It is not inherently impolite or wrong to have host an adults-only wedding ceremony or wedding reception, nor is it insulting to the children. Inconvenient to the parents and disappointing for the grandparents and some of the others at the wedding reception who had hoped to see the new twins, perhaps, but not impolite.
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  #52  
Old Apr 12, '12, 1:38 pm
EasterJoy EasterJoy is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by SamH View Post
These ARE family members.
It is possible to host family events that exclude family members that have not achieved a certain age without violating the boundaries of good manners. You do not have to invite the extended family to every social event you host, even those events to which persons outside family are invited, even when the event is a wedding. All that is required is that some children in the family not be excluded while others of the same age and relationship to the hosts are included. The parents of the children are not entitled to expect anything more than that, sorry.
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  #53  
Old Apr 12, '12, 4:32 pm
HelenRose HelenRose is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

I don't think that I have ever been to a wedding where there were not children running around.

In fact I know that I have never been to a wedding where the children were not an important part of the events.

Weddings in my family are times to rejoice in life, love, family and kids.

I really sincerely doubt that I would be welcome or invited to a kind of wedding you describe. I know that I would find it dreadfully dull.
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  #54  
Old Apr 12, '12, 5:45 pm
EasterJoy EasterJoy is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by HelenRose View Post
I don't think that I have ever been to a wedding where there were not children running around.

In fact I know that I have never been to a wedding where the children were not an important part of the events.

Weddings in my family are times to rejoice in life, love, family and kids.

I really sincerely doubt that I would be welcome or invited to a kind of wedding you describe. I know that I would find it dreadfully dull.
I had not, either, until just a few years ago. The venue would have been boring for the kids, because there was no dance and no place to go to play for a break from the adult conversation, but the adults somehow found a way to chat and enjoy each other's company at the reception without kids there. Not all adults are dreadfully dull.

Not that this had anything to do with the kids, but my positive experience may have been because this particular reception was also blessedly free of vulgar toasts and dance music too loud for anyone still present to hear themselves think, let alone to hear anyone else talk. It was also missing the time-honored ritual of the bridal couple pressing cake into each other's faces.

Don't get me wrong: I like kids at weddings, I like dances at weddings, I'm fine with the little rituals like throwing the bouquet and cutting the cake. I can even put up with the bride and groom assaulting each other with the cake and allowing their drunken relatives an open mike with which to voice maudlin sentimentalities and artless innuendoes, if that's what they want. I'm just saying that it is not impossible for adults to leave their children at home and yet enjoy a wedding reception that doesn't have these familiar things.
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  #55  
Old Apr 12, '12, 6:36 pm
HelenRose HelenRose is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

I know what you are saying and I realize that I am a bit unreasonable. It is just that I enjoy watching children, young people and adults being together. So much of life has separated the generations.

Any opportunity to bring them together, to me, is a blessing.
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  #56  
Old Apr 12, '12, 8:46 pm
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aloe aloe is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

Who will be the ringer bearer or flower girl?

I have heard of and attended weddings of all faiths or lack thereof that ban children. It is their wedding and their preference and it is not unheard of. Banning children isn't just an issue of faith - I know of one mainstream Christian church that bans children under 5 from their main services. They state at the door to the main worship area that children either go to the child care area or with their parents in a room made for children and moms that is sort of like a no cry room

The problem isn't banning children at the wedding, I think your problem is much deeper than that.
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  #57  
Old Apr 12, '12, 11:25 pm
ChildofGod2091 ChildofGod2091 is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

Because it was late last night when I posted, I didn't look at the other things, and I didn't see there was a little snippet about someone wondering if that would be their chance to make themselves heard, I'll address that first. I'm a convert to the faith, and you already know this friend of mine, is just like your situation, we even wondered if he would show up to the Easter Vigil. While I'm sure he probably thinks I'm an absolute idiot, he did come and he was supportive. It's just that every other time he seems to think he has an ego problem. However, I didn't have a party afterwards (being like...10:30 by the time I got home) so I can't say that he wouldn't have said something there, but if he would have, someone would have taken him aside and chewed him out just because it's plainly just disrespectful on several levels. If they say something, someone will most likely go off on them and then they've embarrassed themselves.

I've been thinking about it. I still agree that it's a sensitive subject, but if this is starting to boil up for you, imagine everyone else! I mean, if I was going around to my family making things awkward trying evangelize and convert them all, things would blow up really fast. I still haven't the slightest idea how to do it, because every situation in my head seems to end in someone getting upset. Such a puzzling situation.
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  #58  
Old Apr 13, '12, 7:45 am
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Nanny PK Nanny PK is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

I can see both sides of the argument of having children at weddings. If I were getting married, I wouldn't want a bunch of children that I don't know at my wedding. I would want my nieces and nephews and my close friends' kids, but not cousin Joe whom I've only seen once in ten years to bring his children. That may sound not fair, but it would be my wedding, my decision. I would certainly understand if someone I invited could not or did not want to come if they couldn't bring their children, but it's incredibly rude to bring children to an event they were not invited to.
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  #59  
Old Apr 13, '12, 9:43 am
EasterJoy EasterJoy is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

As one poster noted, a venue that is inappropriate for children might not be chosen specifically because it is inappropriate for children. It is also not uncommon for a couple to have to choose between inviting the young children who are closely related and inviting the older less-closely-related relatives or friends who will better understand the significance of the event and remember the experience of attending it.

As a second note, there are not a few parents out there who don't think it is their job to control their children. The entire world is supposed to be set up as a gym for preschoolers who have not been taught how to control themselves when it might interfere with amusing themselves. All adults are supposed to run their conversations so that six year olds can interrupt any time they want and pretend that they enjoy trying to hear over the screams of infants who for some reason cannot be removed to another room. The attitude is not "if I take my child somewhere, it is my job to tend to my own child so that the other guests can also enjoy the event" but rather "kids will be kids, and what kind of person doesn't love children being themselves?"

I think some in our society are still on the over-reaction side from the era of "children should be seen and not heard." In many circles, a balance has yet to be struck.

IOW, some couples have been given good reason to want to actually "ban" children from their weddings. It's not because they hate children, but because in their experience inviting certain children means inviting pandemonium and probably waving goodbye to their breakage deposit. Since it is impossible to graciously invite the well-behaved children and ban the hellions, can we blame them?
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  #60  
Old Apr 13, '12, 3:31 pm
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Allegra Allegra is offline
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Default Re: Athiest family members ban children from wedding

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Originally Posted by EasterJoy View Post
As one poster noted, a venue that is inappropriate for children might not be chosen specifically because it is inappropriate for children. It is also not uncommon for a couple to have to choose between inviting the young children who are closely related and inviting the older less-closely-related relatives or friends who will better understand the significance of the event and remember the experience of attending it.

As a second note, there are not a few parents out there who don't think it is their job to control their children. The entire world is supposed to be set up as a gym for preschoolers who have not been taught how to control themselves when it might interfere with amusing themselves. All adults are supposed to run their conversations so that six year olds can interrupt any time they want and pretend that they enjoy trying to hear over the screams of infants who for some reason cannot be removed to another room. The attitude is not "if I take my child somewhere, it is my job to tend to my own child so that the other guests can also enjoy the event" but rather "kids will be kids, and what kind of person doesn't love children being themselves?"

I think some in our society are still on the over-reaction side from the era of "children should be seen and not heard." In many circles, a balance has yet to be struck.

IOW, some couples have been given good reason to want to actually "ban" children from their weddings. It's not because they hate children, but because in their experience inviting certain children means inviting pandemonium and probably waving goodbye to their breakage deposit. Since it is impossible to graciously invite the well-behaved children and ban the hellions, can we blame them?

I agree. Some parents have put up with the horrible behavior so long, they don't even notice it anymore and they don't realize how obnoxious their kids are to other people. There's no polite way to say say, "Your kids are punks and you can't be bothered to get off you stool and make them behave so please don't bring them to our wedding." I have this problem to some extent because I love kids and I want my younger family members at my wedding, but I have some cousins who have terrible parenting skills and their kids are instant insurance premium boosters. I solved the problem by not inviting the cousins. I don't want any little tyrants messing up the reception for everyone.
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