Finding my real father

Litcrit · #1 Apr 30, '12, 12:12 pm

I was told about a year ago I was donor conceived. My social/legal/intended/alleged father is not my biological father.

I am now feeling like I may have realized who my biological father is. This has tremendous emotional significance to me. If anyone can find it in their heart to pray for me to get confirmation and closure, I'd appreciate it very much.

The man I suspect of being my father is dead, as is his wife, who was infertile. Me knowing would not disrupt anyone's life or family.

Thank you.

juno24 · #2 Apr 30, '12, 12:55 pm

I do pray that you receive the closure you desire. Your real father is the man who raised you, loved you, held you, comforted you and was there for your life. Have you spoken with your real father about looking for the biological donor? How does he feel about you searching out this other man's identity?

Litcrit · #3 Apr 30, '12, 1:12 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by juno24

I do pray that you receive the closure you desire. Your real father is the man who raised you, loved you, held you, comforted you and was there for your life. Have you spoken with your real father about looking for the biological donor? How does he feel about you searching out this other man's identity?

Then I don't have a real father, except God.

The man who raised me (and didn't love me, hold me or comfort me and was never there, but thank you for assuming that) is a pathological liar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm deathly afraid of him and dread the very idea of him even knowing that I know. My mother whispered the truth to me once but she was afraid of him too. He feels nothing about nothing, except whatever might threaten his vanity, and then he becomes vengeful and dangerous. Hopefully, he'll never know.

Litcrit · #4 Apr 30, '12, 1:14 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by juno24

I do pray that you receive the closure you desire. Your real father is the man who raised you, loved you, held you, comforted you and was there for your life. Have you spoken with your real father about looking for the biological donor? How does he feel about you searching out this other man's identity?

How can anyone define the "real" parents for another person, especially when biology and the Catholic Church would beg to differ? There's a pretty good reason why using third party gametes is against Church teaching.

bmullins · #5 Apr 30, '12, 1:31 pm

I pray that God will fill that place in your heart and mind that needs closure and comfort, with what only He knows is needed. God's will be done. I also pray that he works on the man who 'raised you' and softens his heart and changes his ways, healing any rift between the two of you (or at least softening the tension, and bringing you comfort.)

I am sorry that you have had such a horrible experience, and pray that one day you will know God's plan in all of this.

Litcrit · #6 Apr 30, '12, 1:37 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by bmullins

I pray that God will fill that place in your heart and mind that needs closure and comfort, with what only He knows is needed. God's will be done. I also pray that he works on the man who 'raised you' and softens his heart and changes his ways, healing any rift between the two of you (or at least softening the tension, and bringing you comfort.)

I am sorry that you have had such a horrible experience, and pray that one day you will know God's plan in all of this.

Really, I just want to know who fathered me. Most people have that and don't have to justify the importance of knowing this in front of others.

There's no "rift" between my social father and me. I pretend in front of him and satisfy his need for an illusion of a dutiful daughter. He doesn't care anyway, so I very rarely see him. I pray for his soul too - but will find it easier to do so sincerely if I have the foundation of knowing who my real father is.

bmullins · #7 Apr 30, '12, 1:43 pm

You say there is no rift between you and this man, yet you pretend to be something you're not in his presence. As I said in my prayer above, I pray that God will give you what is best for you, whatever that is.

Peace be with you.

Litcrit · #8 Apr 30, '12, 1:49 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by bmullins

You say there is no rift between you and this man, yet you pretend to be something you're not in his presence. As I said in my prayer above, I pray that God will give you what is best for you, whatever that is.

Peace be with you.

With narcissistic parents, you always pretend, all your life, and that's just survival - not a rift. I just keep placating him and appeasing him and giving him what he wants. That's just continuing my childhood. That's just preventing a potentially dangerous rift. If there's a rift, it started before I was born - but I never knew any different.

Thank you.

**Holly3278** · #9 Apr 30, '12, 2:08 pm

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

Remember oh most gracious Virgin Mary that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence I fly unto thee oh Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. Oh Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.

Litcrit · #10 Apr 30, '12, 2:39 pm

Thank you, Holly.

juno24 · #11 Apr 30, '12, 2:47 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

Then I don't have a real father, except God.

The man who raised me (and didn't love me, hold me or comfort me and was never there, but thank you for assuming that) is a pathological liar with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I'm deathly afraid of him and dread the very idea of him even knowing that I know. My mother whispered the truth to me once but she was afraid of him too. He feels nothing about nothing, except whatever might threaten his vanity, and then he becomes vengeful and dangerous. Hopefully, he'll never know.

I'm sorry you had such an awful upbringing. I will certainly continue to pray for your healing and the closure you seem so desperate to find. Your anger at your father is, of course, justified. I am sorry I hurt you by presuming that your father loved you. While that is the default position, I know from my own family's experience that not all parents do.

TheRealJuliane · #12 Apr 30, '12, 2:52 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

I was told about a year ago I was donor conceived. My social/legal/intended/alleged father is not my biological father.

I am now feeling like I may have realized who my biological father is. This has tremendous emotional significance to me. If anyone can find it in their heart to pray for me to get confirmation and closure, I'd appreciate it very much.

The man I suspect of being my father is dead, as is his wife, who was infertile. Me knowing would not disrupt anyone's life or family.

Thank you.

Please, Lord Jesus, help your daughter Litcrit to find the information that will give her peace of mind and heart in this matter. Give her Your peace that passes all understanding in all of her life. Amen.

Litcrit · #13 Apr 30, '12, 3:00 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Please, Lord Jesus, help your daughter Litcrit to find the information that will give her peace of mind and heart in this matter. Give her Your peace that passes all understanding in all of her life. Amen.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Litcrit · #14 Apr 30, '12, 3:05 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by juno24

I'm sorry you had such an awful upbringing. I will certainly continue to pray for your healing and the closure you seem so desperate to find. Your anger at your father is, of course, justified. I am sorry I hurt you by presuming that your father loved you. While that is the default position, I know from my own family's experience that not all parents do.

Thank you so much. It's a common myth - that those who use artificial reproduction or adopt will always love the child by default. That's a myth very similar to the one that states that unplanned pregnancies will result in unwanted, unloved children. We really cannot trust such societal myths.

I'm sorry you had a bad family experience. I pray that you find complete strength and healing.

juno24 · #15 Apr 30, '12, 3:15 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Litcrit

Thank you so much. It's a common myth - that those who use artificial reproduction or adopt will always love the child by default. That's a myth very similar to the one that states that unplanned pregnancies will result in unwanted, unloved children. We really cannot trust such societal myths.

I'm sorry you had a bad family experience. I pray that you find complete strength and healing.

Thank you. Although my father abandoned my siblings, mother and me, I had the tremendous blessing of having my mother. She had the most horrendous childhood of anyone I ever knew, yet she was determined not to be a carbon copy of both her parents and their various (and equally abusive) spouses. How she survived, let alone became the loving and caring woman that she did can only be by God's grace. I pray that you receive that same grace that will allow you to forgive, distance yourself from your abusive parent, and be the loving, caring and giving person that our Heavenly Father means you to be. May you find the peace and love that all of us deserve to know.