Rookie Mistakes/Pitfalls in Online Dating

o_o_82 · #1 Apr 30, '12, 8:17 pm

Hi,

I think I am called to the married life, but have never dated online. I’d be grateful for any tips on any common mistakes that I need to look out for. I am considering Catholic Match and Ave Maria Singles for most part.

Thank you and God bless.
O. O.

triumphguy · #2 Apr 30, '12, 10:08 pm

Watch out for Bubba in cell block C!

In other words, don't believe what you read or see!

I've never done internet dating, but I have been on Cell Block C and I met Bubba! He ain't pretty!

nfreak141 · #3 Apr 30, '12, 10:38 pm

Disclaimer: This post is coming from someone who hasn't had a relationship yet.

Why online dating? Don't those last, like, 3 months?

domestichippie · #4 Apr 30, '12, 10:47 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by nfreak141

Disclaimer: This post is coming from someone who hasn't had a relationship yet.

Why online dating? Don't those last, like, 3 months?

I met my husband online. We've been married 5 years. It's a great way to find out if you even want to go on a first date.

Tips? Be completely honest about yourself and intentions.

Meet in a public place make sure someone else knows where you'll be and check in to verify safety.

Rainaldo · #5 Apr 30, '12, 11:27 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by o_o_82

Hi,

I think I am called to the married life, but have never dated online. I’d be grateful for any tips on any common mistakes that I need to look out for. I am considering Catholic Match and Ave Maria Singles for most part.

Thank you and God bless.
O. O.

just make sure "Sandi" aint a korean war veteran with a wife & 4 kids

Marauder · #6 May 1, '12, 8:26 am

I met my wife online. We met before the Catholic/Christian dating sites were evolved enough to be useful.

As has already been said, when you meet, meet in a very public location. Make sure friends/parents/etc. know where you are planning on meeting and things like that. Some dating sites are better a making sure people are real, but don't assume anything. Treat it as if it is a blind date, even if you talk a few times first via email, Skype, chat, etc.

Assume most of what people put in their profiles are usually lies. After awhile you can get good at figuring out which ones are lies and which ones involve people trying to be honest.

o_o_82 · #7 May 1, '12, 4:37 pm

Thanks to you all for your suggestions.

I think I should have mentioned that I am a guy. I intend to connect with people online, but then I would take the relationship offline (i.e. meet physically – even if that means long distance.) As mentioned in my original post I am looking at this as a vocation not to just find a buddy.

Any suggestions on common mistakes I might make when creating my profile. I am considering Catholic Match and Ave Maria Singles. Previous threads on the CAF that dealt with Online Dating mentioned these.

Thanks again,
O. O.

hannajomar · #8 May 1, '12, 7:20 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by o_o_82

Thanks to you all for your suggestions.

I think I should have mentioned that I am a guy. I intend to connect with people online, but then I would take the relationship offline (i.e. meet physically – even if that means long distance.) As mentioned in my original post I am looking at this as a vocation not to just find a buddy.

Any suggestions on common mistakes I might make when creating my profile. I am considering Catholic Match and Ave Maria Singles. Previous threads on the CAF that dealt with Online Dating mentioned these.

Thanks again,
O. O.

I met my husband on Catholicmatch. I was on the site for over a year and definitely made some mistakes early on.

1) In the beginning, my profile was far too vague, something like, "I want to meet a nice guy with a good sense of humor." As time went on, I began tweeking it little by little to make it more specific. One day, I read it and said to myself, "boy, I sound like Catholic nerd here. ...oh, I am a Catholic nerd, so I guess it's accurate." The day I added the line, "chastity is very important to me." my contacts dropped considerably, but the guys who contacted me were much more compatible.

2.) If you think you're interested in someone, try to meet in person as soon as possible. I spoke on the phone with one guy for several weeks, sometimes hours at a time. We had fabulous phone chemistry. When we finally met in person, it was ... well, not so much chemistry. And I have no idea why. It wasn't a matter of anyone lying or misrepresenting themselves. We just didn't click in person. And I felt like we just wasted a bunch of time talking on the phone, when we each could have been looking for our spouses.

3.) Another piece of advice I offer is don't behave as though you are in a dating relationship with someone if you're not. I was just counseling a friend who is on a dating site. She's going through a bunch of drama with someone she's never met in person. They've had arguments already, and she says she feels like they're not supposed to be dating anyone else at this point. I had to remind her they are not dating each other at this point. Emailing, talking, or meeting someone in person does not make you a couple. After meeting my now-husband in person, we were not an official couple for several dates. I still contacted with people from the site until we were an exclusive couple.

Online dating can be very positive if it's seen as another tool to meet people. Tools are helpful when used properly, but when misused, they can just mess us up even more.

o_o_82 · #9 May 2, '12, 7:00 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by hannajomar

I met my husband on Catholicmatch. I was on the site for over a year and definitely made some mistakes early on.

1) In the beginning, my profile was far too vague, something like, "I want to meet a nice guy with a good sense of humor." As time went on, I began tweeking it little by little to make it more specific. One day, I read it and said to myself, "boy, I sound like Catholic nerd here. ...oh, I am a Catholic nerd, so I guess it's accurate." The day I added the line, "chastity is very important to me." my contacts dropped considerably, but the guys who contacted me were much more compatible.

2.) If you think you're interested in someone, try to meet in person as soon as possible. I spoke on the phone with one guy for several weeks, sometimes hours at a time. We had fabulous phone chemistry. When we finally met in person, it was ... well, not so much chemistry. And I have no idea why. It wasn't a matter of anyone lying or misrepresenting themselves. We just didn't click in person. And I felt like we just wasted a bunch of time talking on the phone, when we each could have been looking for our spouses.

3.) Another piece of advice I offer is don't behave as though you are in a dating relationship with someone if you're not. I was just counseling a friend who is on a dating site. She's going through a bunch of drama with someone she's never met in person. They've had arguments already, and she says she feels like they're not supposed to be dating anyone else at this point. I had to remind her they are not dating each other at this point. Emailing, talking, or meeting someone in person does not make you a couple. After meeting my now-husband in person, we were not an official couple for several dates. I still contacted with people from the site until we were an exclusive couple.

Online dating can be very positive if it's seen as another tool to meet people. Tools are helpful when used properly, but when misused, they can just mess us up even more.

Thank you hannajomar. This seems to be exactly what I was looking for. The previous suggestions of others who posted i.e. not to trust what is posted, and to meet in a public place, I sort of already knew. These I did not think of.

Thanks again,
O. O.

P. S. There does not seem to be an option to close this thread. In some other forums I would just mark your post as an “answer” and it would close the thread.

Jeanne_dArc · #10 May 2, '12, 7:57 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rainaldo

just make sure "Sandi" aint a korean war veteran with a wife & 4 kids

There are some great background check sites with free trials. Now this isn't full-proof, but you can find out if someone is married.

keeponkeepingon · #11 May 3, '12, 4:25 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rainaldo

just make sure "Sandi" aint a korean war veteran with a wife & 4 kids

haha!

Crescentinus · #12 May 5, '12, 5:47 am

I tried online dating for two years. Seven of my nine ex-girlfriends came from online dating.
A good background and personality check is in order. Why? I'll give you 3 reasons.
1. So that the person you're dating is of the opposite gender. I know for a fact that many in online dating circles intentionally deceive other people by lying about their gender online for whatever motives that they have.
2. So that you would not be dating married people. I also know for a fact that some unfaithful spouses lurk around in dating sites to satiate their lusts and their unfaithfulness.
3. So that you're not dating anyone who's way too young or too old for you. Some would argue that "love goes beyond age limits", but that's a load of nonsense. I know for a fact that many in online dating circles deliberately lie about their age either to simply get in and date, or date someone older/younger than them. Also, having romantic relationships with those who are way too old/young have been known to be both tricky and mostly ending in very painful breakups.

Personally, I've sworn off online dating because it's filled with too much heartbreak for me. As much as I want to rush real-world dating, I can't since I know that it would fail spectacularly. Besides, I have no clue on what my vocation is sadly.

o_o_82 · #13 May 5, '12, 10:13 am

Dear Crescentinus,

Did you try AMS? Were these so called “fake” people there?

If you are not too old, then not knowing about your vocation is not much of a problem. Live each day in communion with the Lord. If you are getting a bit old (I’d say more than 30 to 35 years) – then I have no suggestions, because I am not there yet.

O. O.

Crescentinus · #14 May 5, '12, 10:16 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by o_o_82

Dear Crescentinus,

Did you try AMS? Were these so called “fake” people there?

If you are not too old, then not knowing about your vocation is not much of a problem. Live each day in communion with the Lord. If you are getting a bit old (I’d say more than 30 to 35 years) – then I have no suggestions, because I am not there yet.

O. O.

I haven't tried AMS though. But, I've been in other dating sites.

I'm 22 years old, and I feel old.

o_o_82 · #15 May 6, '12, 5:29 pm

Dear Crescentinus,

You are not old. I think get the “priesthood” out of the way i.e. consider it, pray about it and see if you are called to the “priesthood”. I say this because the older you are, the more difficult it would be to get accepted into seminary - whereas marriage would be comparatively easier.

If you have a vocation to the priesthood that thought would keep coming back to you even if you push it away. Hence, I suggest spending time in prayer. If you get the thought of becoming a priest, thank God about it, and ask him if he wants you to go there. You would probably feel that you get no answer. Then push the thought away – not because its bad, but because you cannot make anything of it.

I can assure you that if you have a vocation to the priesthood this thought would keep coming back. In all of this keep up your prayer life, so that the Lord could talk to you. If the thought does not come back to you, then you are called to marriage.

In all of this be very clear in your mind about the distinction between the “Call to Holiness” and the “Call to Holy Orders”. The first is universal, the second is not. Some people do not understand this distinction. St. Jerome for e.g. did not have a good opinion of marriage and thought that it should only be tolerated because it was a breeding ground of future celibates. This is not true. It is through marriage that most of us men find our priesthood.

AMS is for people like yourself i.e. faithful catholics who want to find a practicing spouse. I can assure you that you will not have any problem with transgender folks on AMS. Most if not all are devout Catholics who are eligible to marry in the Church (though some are Traditional SSPX).

I just joined AMS, and I don’t think there are many girls in your age range. (I am assuming you are a guy because in another thread you mentioned about problems with a female friend.) Once you get to 24 – 25 yrs, there are a lot more girls. Most AMS relationships are long distance i.e. you should be ready to drive for a few hours to find someone.

One thing to note is AMS is a one-time fee, so you might as well pay it now, and keep it for life (or up till you find a wife ) If you can afford it, join right away, otherwise join in the next two to three years.

I hope this helped you,
O. O.