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  #31  
Old May 1, '12, 11:31 am
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prodigalson2011 prodigalson2011 is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

From a few of the kings of one liners...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Steven Wright

All those who believe in telekinesis raise my hand.

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I spilled spot remover on my dog... now he's gone.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory... you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My shirt is dry-clean only... which means it's dirty.

My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them.

When I was a boy, I layed in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I'm tired of following my dreams... I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

An escalator can never break--it can only become stairs... you will never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Service" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs: Sorry for the convenience."

I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom Waits

I'd rather have a bottle in front o' me than a frontal lobotomy.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

The big print giveth and the small print taketh away.
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“Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them.”
― Fulton J. Sheen

"While truth is unchanging, it changes those who encounter it." - Fr. Cedric Pisegna
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  #32  
Old May 1, '12, 11:50 am
LaughingBoy1503 LaughingBoy1503 is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

I had a rough childhood. I told my Father the other day "You never took me to the zoo." He said "If they wanted you back they would have come and got you.

I had a rough day. I told my son about the birds and the bees he told me about my wife and the mailman.

Both from Rodney Dangerfield
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  #33  
Old May 1, '12, 5:35 pm
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DavidFilmer DavidFilmer is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear intelligent until they speak.

It's better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

During the Lincoln/Douglas presidential debates, Douglas accused Lincoln of being two-faced. Lincoln replied, "Sir, if I had two faces, do you think I would be wearing this one?"
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Popes are designated "the Great" by popular acclaim. Please join me in always referring to Pope St. John Paul-2 as "St. John Paul the Great."

Hooray!
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  #34  
Old May 2, '12, 7:22 am
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Neildown Neildown is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Great sodium chloride! There goes my chemistry set! (in response to explosion)

Sweet jibbling jibblets! (in surprise)

Ctrl, Alt, Bingo! (solving a problem)

There's a fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life.

Time LINE...? Ehh, time isn't made out of LINES. It is made out of circles. That is why clocks are round!

Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.
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"The fatal metaphor of progress, which means leaving things behind us, has utterly obscured the real idea of growth, which is leaving things inside us." - G.K. Chesterton.
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  #35  
Old May 2, '12, 5:55 pm
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Chaplain777 Chaplain777 is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know, and I don't care.
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  #36  
Old May 4, '12, 10:59 pm
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DavidFilmer DavidFilmer is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

I waited all night to find out where the sun had gone. And then it dawned on me.

I used to think that I was indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure.
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Popes are designated "the Great" by popular acclaim. Please join me in always referring to Pope St. John Paul-2 as "St. John Paul the Great."

Hooray!
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  #37  
Old May 7, '12, 2:25 am
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DavidFilmer DavidFilmer is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather - not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

A liberal, a conservative, and a moderate walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "hello, Mitt."
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Popes are designated "the Great" by popular acclaim. Please join me in always referring to Pope St. John Paul-2 as "St. John Paul the Great."

Hooray!
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  #38  
Old May 10, '12, 11:57 am
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Mary Gail 36 Mary Gail 36 is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Two peanuts were walking down the street when unfortunately one was assaulted.





























(a salted)
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Jesus, protect and save the unborn.

The Word became flesh, He lived among us, and we saw His glory, the glory that He has from the Father as only Son of the Father, full of grace and truth.
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  #39  
Old May 14, '12, 9:13 am
GWright GWright is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Apparently, three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
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  #40  
Old May 14, '12, 6:32 pm
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EricFilmer EricFilmer is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:_________"
I write, "DOCTOR".
What's my mother going to do?
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  #41  
Old May 15, '12, 7:45 am
Bob Crowley Bob Crowley is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

I used to work in a place, where the boss's name was only half way up the in-out peg board due to his short height (like mine), so he could reach it.

I made a quip, "Everyone is promoted to the limit of their competence."
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  #42  
Old May 19, '12, 12:11 pm
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3DOCTORS 3DOCTORS is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Source unknown but my mom used to quote it to me :

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
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Pray for Peace and Justice in all the troubled parts of the world, and in families.
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  #43  
Old May 19, '12, 12:35 pm
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jmcrae jmcrae is online now
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

But, Officer, I was only going one way! (Me.)

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? (unknown)

They say that time changes things, but really, you have to change them yourself. (Andy Warhol.)

Do unto others as if they were writing your biography. (Lewis Black)

Love your enemies. It really cheeses them off. (Lewis Black)

In any military conflict: Victory goes to the side with the shabbier uniform. (Trevor B.)

Cats are God's way of telling you your furniture is too nice for the likes of you. (unknown)

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."
C.S. Lewis

The rest of these are lines I collected while reading various bulletin boards and blogs. I don't recall who came up with them originally.

Thinking to trap her, an atheist asked a nun, "Can God create a stone so heavy that even He Himself is unable to move it?" The nun answered simply, "He already has - it is your heart."

A lot of people know where babies come from, but have forgotten where working adults come from.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Committing sin and saying it's ok because your conscience says it's ok is like sitting in a living room engulfed in flames and saying there is no fire because the smoke alarm isn't beeping.

If it ain't broke, fix it 'til it is.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
__________________
According to Quentin Tarentino, (Kill Bill Volume 2) Clark Kent is Superman's opinion of the human race. It occurs to me that, using the same logic, Jesus of Nazareth is God's.

Tiber Swim Team - Class of 2001
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  #44  
Old May 25, '12, 10:39 am
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Luigi Daniele Luigi Daniele is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hild e gard View Post
A rabbi, a priest and a pastor walk into a bar, and the bartender says "What is this, a joke?"
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ORA et LABORA-ut in omnibus glorifectur Deus

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Totus Tuus
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  #45  
Old May 25, '12, 11:57 am
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InspiritCarol InspiritCarol is offline
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Default Re: One Liners (Know some good, clean one-liner jokes? Post them here!)


Thanks for starting this thread. I love it.
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Crux sacra sit mihi lux! Nunquam draco sit mihi dux!
(May the holy cross be my light! May the dragon never be my guide!)
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