Tell the spouse being cheated on?

indymb · #1 May 1, '12, 10:32 pm

If experience has led you to believe that someone you know is involved in an affair, and you've confronted that soon-to-be-divorced partner in the arrangement, should you tell spouse of the other partner that they are being cheated on? Faith and God are of minor consequence to both involved. What would Jesus do? What would Mother Teresa say? What do love and justice require?

**LilyM** · #2 May 2, '12, 2:39 am

I would tread very carefully indeed.

I would want to be pretty close to certain that the affair is happening, and that it is something current and not something that might have been broken off already.

Is there any possibility that the cheater could deny everything and be believed? And how would it impact on your friendship if the cheater WAS believed to be innocent?

Do you know what your friend's attitude is to a) cheating (some actually are wiling to look the other way as long as the spouse acts in a sufficiently loving and attentive way to them, some would take the opportunity to cheat themselves if possible) and b) being told or not being told (I think the vast majority would rather be told though).

All these aspects need to be considered.

**JRKH** · #3 May 2, '12, 4:20 am

The question to me would be..."What purpose would telling them serve to tell them?"

This is probably something best talked over with your confessor.

Peace
James

Sirach2 · #4 May 2, '12, 4:35 am

Besides the very real chance of contracting STD's, the "cheater" frequently has a history of infidelity. I know a person who forgave whenever the cheater confessed, time and again, only to be disillusioned with further incidences that destroyed trust completely. Each new hurt was exceedingly more painful, because the spouse may be suffering from sexual addictions and/or the macho desire to captivate, both of which need counselling and much prayer.

I would want to know, under the circumstances. The wayward spouse may be a first-timer, but the one with whom he/she is cheating with may have a long list of significant others. The evidence of a STD may be dormant until the person's later years, and many are incurable. Dermatologists can testify to these dangers, which are more prevalent than ever in our culture.

TheRealJuliane · #5 May 2, '12, 5:41 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by indymb

If experience has led you to believe that someone you know is involved in an affair, and you've confronted that soon-to-be-divorced partner in the arrangement, should you tell spouse of the other partner that they are being cheated on? Faith and God are of minor consequence to both involved. What would Jesus do? What would Mother Teresa say? What do love and justice require?

Talk to your priest about it. You probably shouldn't get into the middle of this situation.

faithfully · #6 May 2, '12, 6:56 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirach2

Besides the very real chance of contracting STD's, the "cheater" frequently has a history of infidelity. I know a person who forgave whenever the cheater confessed, time and again, only to be disillusioned with further incidences that destroyed trust completely. Each new hurt was exceedingly more painful, because the spouse may be suffering from sexual addictions and/or the macho desire to captivate, both of which need counselling and much prayer.

I would want to know, under the circumstances. The wayward spouse may be a first-timer, but the one with whom he/she is cheating with may have a long list of significant others. The evidence of a STD may be dormant until the person's later years, and many are incurable. Dermatologists can testify to these dangers, which are more prevalent than ever in our culture.

Curious about the Dermatologist? A skin doctor? Not the type of doctor I think of for this. A female will generally be tested by way of her Gynocologist. A male through his general practitioner, or perhaps a urologist. I suppose a derm. could order these tests.

Regardless, the OP asks "experience has lead you to BELIEVE"... That's a lot of room for error. Before you shatter a person you better KNOW! If you're concerned for a person's health, and this is someone you can speak freely with, I'd just suggest some common sense testing. Unless you witnessed something, I'd be hard pressed to share my beliefs that aren't doctrine.

MrsFlapjack · #7 May 2, '12, 7:58 pm

I will add my two cents. My husband was previously married many years back. He was attending a Church of Christ at the time. It turns out that his ex had been telling the ladies at the church how unhappy she was and that she was planning on leaving him. My husband had no clue until right before she left, and he was furious when he found out that many people at the church knew but didn't say anything to him. Based on his experience, if you find out for sure that there is infidelity going on, I would say something.

Sirach2 · #8 May 3, '12, 4:34 am

Faithfully,
I'm sorry you did not give much credence to my two cents. Yes, there are definitely conditions that are sexually transmitted and affect the genital skin of both male and female. One that comes to mind is a HIV virus (not AIDS) and can never be cured - only treated. Thinking it was a problem with the skin, my friend went to a dermatologist and had a biopsy that confirmed the HIV condition. It did not appear for many years, so it was not symptomatic for a gynecologist's exam.

It is not only the matter of disease, but the total emotional havoc that I cannot even begin to demonstrate in these few words, for the both spouse and the children and the destruction of family life.

Musician · #9 May 3, '12, 12:16 pm

If a friend KNEW for a fact, and didn't tell me, I'd be furious.
But don't go on "believe".

Bezant · #10 May 3, '12, 6:14 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by JRKH

The question to me would be..."What purpose would telling them serve to tell them?"

This is probably something best talked over with your confessor.

Peace
James

This.

faithfully · #11 May 3, '12, 7:37 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sirach2

Faithfully,
I'm sorry you did not give much credence to my two cents. Yes, there are definitely conditions that are sexually transmitted and affect the genital skin of both male and female. One that comes to mind is a HIV virus (not AIDS) and can never be cured - only treated. Thinking it was a problem with the skin, my friend went to a dermatologist and had a biopsy that confirmed the HIV condition. It did not appear for many years, so it was not symptomatic for a gynecologist's exam.

It is not only the matter of disease, but the total emotional havoc that I cannot even begin to demonstrate in these few words, for the both spouse and the children and the destruction of family life.

Not that I didn't give credence, the derm is generally not your go to for STD's. I imagine even a dentist as well as an ENT can share some horror stories. That's all.

I guess I just don't think in terms of skin disease, I think in terms of reproductive destruction. HPV causing cancer. Scarred tubes. Regardless, disease is a very serious issue here.

Luna Lovecraft · #12 May 4, '12, 9:05 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by indymb

If experience has led you to believe that someone you know is involved in an affair, and you've confronted that soon-to-be-divorced partner in the arrangement, should you tell spouse of the other partner that they are being cheated on? Faith and God are of minor consequence to both involved. What would Jesus do? What would Mother Teresa say? What do love and justice require?

I have no idea what Jesus or BMT would do, but I would tread very, very carefully. I know of two marriages that were destroyed by accusations of infidelity that turned out to be wrong. In one of the situations the woman who started the accusations alientated her parents, siblings, and other family members over the damage she caused.

Luna

gh4 · #13 May 5, '12, 5:41 pm

They are in the middle of a divorce? Then the partner probably already knows. If they are soon to be divorced, then they are probably not living together as husband and wife at this point... so what is the point of telling?

Can you PROVE that they are cheating? To what degree are they cheating? Most are assuming sex here, but unless you are really good friends or a room mate and can see or hear the sex, how do you know they are having sex?

You know that some people become more angry at the person who tells them about something like this (if they don't already know) than they are at the cheating spouse. You could be putting your friendship with this person in danger.