Catholic FAQ


Help support Catholic Answers!

Latest Threads
newest posts



Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life > Parenting
 

Welcome to Catholic Answers Forums, the largest Catholic Community on the Web.

Here you can join over 400,000 members from around the world discussing all things Catholic. Membership is open to all, Catholic and non-Catholic alike, who seek the Truth with Charity.

To gain full access, you must register for a FREE account. Registered members are able to:
  • Submit questions about the faith to experts from Catholic Answers
  • Participate in all forum discussions
  • Communicate privately with Catholics from around the world
  • Plus join a prayer group, read with the Book Club, and much more.
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free. So join our community today!

Have a question about registration or your account log-in? Just contact our Support Hotline.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search Thread Display
  #31  
Old May 6, '12, 8:46 am
MamaJewel MamaJewel is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: February 15, 2010
Posts: 72
Religion: catholic
Default Re: Donor conception

Quote:
Originally Posted by Litcrit View Post
It sounds like you're at a good place right now.

I feel like it would take so little to get me there - the man I suspect of being my biological father was a family friend I liked very much. I was a lot like him in many ways and look quite a bit like he did when he was young. If I could get confirmation, I'd have more than enough strength and closure to truly forgive my "father" for anything and everything.

Right now, it's so painful and frustrating for him to have this particular power over me - he knows something very important about me that I don't know about myself.

And he won't tell. I tried to get him to tell me the truth about my conception, but every time his lies become more and more unbelievable and fantastical. And every time it's a slightly different lie.
Please don't do this to yourself. You could be opening a pandora's box on yourself. I'm sorry that you are going through this, but honestly, NPD's don't choose a "family friend" to be a donor. What, so the friend could have something to hold over his head? NPD's use people, but to their own advantage.

Did you tell him what your mother told you?
Reply With Quote
  #32  
Old May 6, '12, 10:16 am
MamaJewel MamaJewel is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: February 15, 2010
Posts: 72
Religion: catholic
Default Re: Donor conception

I see the post where you mention you were afraid to tell him.

I completely understand your feelings of someone having power over you. Like you, I grew up in a home with a mean father and a mother whom I trusted. At one point, I could have called my father a malignant narcissist because his attitudes and actions reflected it. There were a few arguments between my parents in which my father blurted out in a drunken rage that I wasn't his. That, combined with family jokes about my paternity had caused me to question my mother. My mother would say he was my dad. Once I was older she said that it might possibly be some other beau from her past.

Well, a few years ago my dad called me aside and told me he knew for a fact he wasn't my bio father. He explained what happened at my birth and that he knew from that moment I wasn't his biologically. He was very kind and loving when he told. A few months after that I questioned my mother again and she would not give a truthful answer. Ultimately, I decided to DNA test my parents and my dad was correct.

Since I'm a bit further in dealing with this type of situation, I wonder about your idealization of your situation. Reading your posts, I wonder if you verified the "donor" status of your potential bio father. I can't see an average man donating sperm for a friend's wife to conceive, when his own wife sits their infertile. And I definitely can't see a man whose wife is infertile, donating his sperm to a woman who is married to a narcissist jerk where the bio child would have the potential to be raised in such a hostile environment. A benevolent man would steer clear of that scenario or he'd be expecting the child to come into his home, to be raised as his own with his wife and rightfully so. Why is he going to give some other man his own progeny when he and his wife have none? Why would his own wife tolerate such a thing either? A woman who is infertile isn't going to let bless her husband giving an infertile woman married to a narcissist a child.

Something doesn't seem right with the story you have been told. And it might be out of consideration for you that your mean father has kept his secret for so long.

Your situation might just be the exceptional .01 % where what you've been told lines up to be the truth. But I don't think so. I'm not sure you're ready to deal with the truth if it turns out differently.

Trust me. I've been where you are at. It took me utilizing two different qualified counselors to get me to the place where I could test my parents, get the results and have a positive, healthy response. It's not easy. Each day has challenges and I work through them. I admit there are times when I know who my dad is but I don't know who my mother is. (And yes, I did verify with the testing company that my mother is my bio mother).

This is a very complex issue you're coping with. Please don't assume anything and question everything at this point. it will probably be the only way you get to the truth. Even then, you still aren't guaranteed knowing your complete biological origins.
Reply With Quote
  #33  
Old May 6, '12, 10:49 am
Litcrit Litcrit is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: June 30, 2008
Posts: 1,133
Default Re: Donor conception

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaJewel View Post

Since I'm a bit further in dealing with this type of situation, I wonder about your idealization of your situation. Reading your posts, I wonder if you verified the "donor" status of your potential bio father. I can't see an average man donating sperm for a friend's wife to conceive, when his own wife sits their infertile. And I definitely can't see a man whose wife is infertile, donating his sperm to a woman who is married to a narcissist jerk where the bio child would have the potential to be raised in such a hostile environment. A benevolent man would steer clear of that scenario or he'd be expecting the child to come into his home, to be raised as his own with his wife and rightfully so. Why is he going to give some other man his own progeny when he and his wife have none? Why would his own wife tolerate such a thing either? A woman who is infertile isn't going to let bless her husband giving an infertile woman married to a narcissist a child.

Something doesn't seem right with the story you have been told. And it might be out of consideration for you that your mean father has kept his secret for so long.

...

This is a very complex issue you're coping with. Please don't assume anything and question everything at this point. it will probably be the only way you get to the truth. Even then, you still aren't guaranteed knowing your complete biological origins.
Wow, that sounds tough.

This is not the story I was told - all I've been told by my dear maternal aunt (and a bit by my mother when she was still alive) was that my dad was infertile and they used a donor.

No one has any definite idea who the donor is - the man I suspect sounds likely to me because of the strange relationship my family had with him and his wife. I have several very telling events that can only with great difficulty be explained in a different way. I look eerily like him in his younger pictures and his brother and niece - more than I look like my mother, who's definitely my mother. But I am definitely interested in the facts and actual factual confirmation - this is what I'm praying for.

I realize not many infertile wives would be ecstatic about their husbands donating sperm to other women. But, see, this particular infertile wife was my mother's loving aunt. There's something about seeing "your" genes mixed with that of your partner - even if it's not your actual gamete, but your relative's. Gay people do it a lot. I can imagine my mother's aunt doing it. And, also, I WAS NAMED AFTER THIS WOMAN. My aunt told me the story goes I was named after her because my parents were grateful to her for all the help she and her husband gave them when they were undergoing ART.

I don't have verification for my suspicion and this is what I'm praying for - I'm in contact with my potential cousin, she'll visit in September and I'm hoping to ask her for a DNA test then.

My dad is a narcissist - he does his utmost to appear charming and loving and doting to everyone. I can see how someone who's not s professional would think he's a wonderful candidate for a doting dad. Most people still don't believe me he's ever been anything but that to me. He's the master of sugary facades.

Also, he might have chosen this particular known donor for some particular characteristics. He was a very intelligent and successful man - his offspring was likely to make him proud. Narcissists do like to take credit for something not theirs. And he was far, far away - and probably less likely to say anything than even my dad - as you noted, donating sperm when your wife is infertile is not exactly lauded.

I'm trying hard not to idealize the donor and wait for the confirmation or proof of otherwise (please, pray for me that I discover something conclusive). But it's difficult - I'm like him in many ways and he's one of the very few people who ever showed any actual interest in the actual me.
Reply With Quote
  #34  
Old May 6, '12, 6:05 pm
domandcarols's Avatar
domandcarols domandcarols is offline
Regular Member
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: August 2, 2011
Posts: 2,308
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Donor conception

I will be praying for you and everyone on this thread. God bless!
__________________
Jesus, Mary, I love you! Save souls!
Reply With Quote
  #35  
Old May 7, '12, 2:57 am
Litcrit Litcrit is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: June 30, 2008
Posts: 1,133
Default Re: Donor conception

Quote:
Originally Posted by domandcarols View Post
I will be praying for you and everyone on this thread. God bless!
Thank you!
Reply With Quote
  #36  
Old May 11, '12, 8:03 am
Litcrit Litcrit is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: June 30, 2008
Posts: 1,133
Default Re: Donor conception

Thank you for your prayers! They worked!

I decided to use a glass my father had drunk from and established that he is in fact my biological father. I'm not donor conceived at all.

I wonder where the family rumor that I was donor conceived originated.

It is fairly certain that they did use AI or IVF. Perhaps when I was born, looking nothing like my father or his family, people who knew he had serious fertility issues started wondering.

Could family members who had been told about the use of ART have thought I wasn't his? Could it have occurred to him too? Could he have been wondering all my life if the doctor had used someone else's sperm?

Some things - behaviors, actions, words - are still just too bizarre to be explained in any other way.

Now I wonder if he knows for a fact that I'm his biological child.

Thank you, everyone, for replying and for praying.

I hope you don't feel like I've deceived you - I've been misled myself.

Knowing your biological roots does matter. It doesn't determine who you are or who you can become, but it does give you a foundation, a starting point, whatever it might be.
Reply With Quote
  #37  
Old May 11, '12, 8:14 am
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: October 11, 2010
Posts: 19,026
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Donor conception

Wow, Litcrit. What an amazing resolution to your situation!

Well, all I can say is that with NPDs, anything is possible, anything is likely, nothing is ever ruled out, when it comes to their behavior. Whatever reasons your father had/has for his actions, in my mind, his main driver will always be the NPD. Just my own experience with that.

I am glad that you finally have peace of mind on this troubling issue. You know that your parents really ARE your parents.

Reply With Quote
  #38  
Old May 11, '12, 4:02 pm
Litcrit Litcrit is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: June 30, 2008
Posts: 1,133
Default Re: Donor conception

Quote:
Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane View Post
Wow, Litcrit. What an amazing resolution to your situation!

Well, all I can say is that with NPDs, anything is possible, anything is likely, nothing is ever ruled out, when it comes to their behavior. Whatever reasons your father had/has for his actions, in my mind, his main driver will always be the NPD. Just my own experience with that.

I am glad that you finally have peace of mind on this troubling issue. You know that your parents really ARE your parents.

Thank you!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life > Parenting

Bookmarks

Tags
artificial insemination, donor conception

Thread Tools Search Thread
Search Thread:

Advanced Search
Display

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Prayer Intentions

Most Active Groups
8019Meet and talk,talk talk
Last by: GLam8833
4810CAF Prayer Warriors Support Group
Last by: UpUpAndAway
4281Devotion to the Sorrowful Mother
Last by: flower lady
4027OCD/Scrupulosity Group
Last by: fencersmother
3809SOLITUDE
Last by: Prairie Rose
3355Let's empty Purgatory
Last by: RJB
3177Catholic Vegetarians & Vegans
Last by: 4elise
3139Poems and Reflections
Last by: PathWalker
2953For seniors and shut- ins
Last by: flower lady
2670Petitions Before the Blessed Sacrament
Last by: grateful_child



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 1:41 am.

Home RSS Feeds - Home - Archive - Top

Copyright © 2004-2013, Catholic Answers.