Should premarital sex be a deal breaker? - Page 4

coolduude · #46 Apr 28, '12, 10:50 pm

Thanks for all the responses to this thread. For some reason I didn't see all of them until today but I was able to catch up.

Here's some more background on the girl in question. We were talking the other day and she mentioned how she has a 'hook up personality'. She went on the explain that she's the flirtatious type and likes to play games with guys. She wants to hook up often but doesn't (and yes, I do take her word for this because I know her personally). Like I said in my OP, she believes that sex belongs in a loving, committed relationship.

I feel like she tried to use her personality as justification for hooking up with her boyfriend. I don't buy into that and in my view now she's not worth dating. If she overlooks the importance of sex on that grand a scale who knows what a relationship will bring. I don't want to date a Catholic who willfully substitutes her own morality for the Church's.

Though I do fear there are not many good Catholic girls out there I can connect with and marry. I feel they are a 'rare breed' (don't take that the wrong way- no offense intended). Perhaps someday I will have to bite the bullet and date an unfaithful Catholic if her other qualities are good. I just wish dating was easier in this day and age for a faithful Catholic man. I don't want to date an unfaithful Catholic woman but I just might in the future.

*end rant*

PennyinCanada · #47 Apr 30, '12, 11:39 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolduude

Perhaps someday I will have to bite the bullet and date an unfaithful Catholic if her other qualities are good. I just wish dating was easier in this day and age for a faithful Catholic man. I don't want to date an unfaithful Catholic woman but I just might in the future.

By your own power, success is unlikely. I can feel that in your statement above. However, God, Who wants strong Catholic marriages to be a witness to the world, is on your side! Tell Him how you *want* a faithful Catholic woman to live your life with. You won't settle for less! You won't be tempted with less, because you are waiting on Him to provide someone amazing! Men of prayer and faith can walk among the flames unharmed. Those men didn't know Christ or have the graces offered to us in the sacraments. Be a strong faithful warrior, and find others to pray with you. Strengthen your faith and confidence that God *can* arrange something wonderful for you.

Just think how a tiny, petite woman arrived in India and started picking up the dieing off the street. This woman, buried in the population of India was brought as a speaker before the president of the United States, and given an opportunity to speak to him and the assembled. Only God can arrange such a meeting! Her light was indeed placed on a hill for all to see. Do what you can to be faithful and God will arrange the meeting!

**Holly3278** · #48 Apr 30, '12, 10:46 pm

Personally, I would choose someone more orthodox and more committed to the Faith.

AutumnLeaves · #49 May 11, '12, 7:13 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolduude

Thanks for all the responses to this thread. For some reason I didn't see all of them until today but I was able to catch up.

Here's some more background on the girl in question. We were talking the other day and she mentioned how she has a 'hook up personality'. She went on the explain that she's the flirtatious type and likes to play games with guys. She wants to hook up often but doesn't (and yes, I do take her word for this because I know her personally). Like I said in my OP, she believes that sex belongs in a loving, committed relationship.

I feel like she tried to use her personality as justification for hooking up with her boyfriend. I don't buy into that and in my view now she's not worth dating. If she overlooks the importance of sex on that grand a scale who knows what a relationship will bring. I don't want to date a Catholic who willfully substitutes her own morality for the Church's.

Though I do fear there are not many good Catholic girls out there I can connect with and marry. I feel they are a 'rare breed' (don't take that the wrong way- no offense intended). Perhaps someday I will have to bite the bullet and date an unfaithful Catholic if her other qualities are good. I just wish dating was easier in this day and age for a faithful Catholic man. I don't want to date an unfaithful Catholic woman but I just might in the future.

*end rant*

Perhaps I can use personal anecdote from my own relationship as a form of advice?

First, please do not despair of not finding a good Catholic woman. Here's how my boyfriend has put his story. He had just graduated a few months before we began dating, and our solid Catholic university group was no longer an option for meeting somebody, and now he had the workplace. He despaired that he'd have to settle on what he was looking for - a non-Catholic who he'd have to fight about contraception, or maybe a lukewarm or unfaithful Catholic, or even a good Catholic who was frumpy and he wasn't terribly attracted to. But God had different plans for him! And we began dating, and now we are seriously discerning marriage!

And I'm glad you are now considering just what her opinion and history means. Just to put it flat out, if either I or my boyfriend wasn't committed to saving ourselves, we would have fallen. If we didn't have our faith, we'd be living together right now. What is the expression, but for the grace of God, there go I? Like revert jen said, if somebody really wants to give you something, it's very hard to say no.

Kenny Kamel · #50 May 11, '12, 9:32 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leegal

Ask yourself, who will be compromising here? And another brought up another point -- if she feels that pre-marital sex in a comitted relationship is okay, what will you do then?

There is an obvious contradiction here, she had "pre-marital sex" (FORNICATION) in a committed relationship? First of all the relationship in which this female fornicated in WAS NOT committed for if it were we wouldn't be having this conversation as she either would be married by now or at least committed to engagement. That is what a committed relationship is and culminates in, not fornication.

The word love has been tossed around quite a bit in this thread as well. Something else this OP's female in question (and perhaps OP) needs to firm grip on the true meaning of. I don't mean to sound brash but I'm turning 30 next week and in the past 12 years of my adult life I've had to contend with hundreds of instances such as this.

This is my advice to the OP known as cooldude, pass on this girl. You do not need to date her nor find reasons to justify any current desires you have to do so. I am not judging you or her but based on what you've stated I can all but guarantee that it will not end well. I would suggest to be her friend but DO NOT in any way make a direct effort to have something more with her unless or until she is set straight with her faith.

I would suggest you pick up a copy of the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris. It is an excellent book I recommend to everyone, it does not discourage dating or relationships but rather orders them so that the parties involved focus first and foremost on God so that he can work on bringing those parties together in the best way he would so deem. Trust me you'll enjoy every page.

**AlanFromWichita** · #51 May 11, '12, 10:39 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolduude

... likes to play games with guys.

BZZZT!!! That's all I need to know. Unless you're an emotional super-ninja, head for the hills! Seriously, women messing with men's minds can be anywhere from maddening to actually dangerous or destructive. I've seen it happen. Guys get mental illness over these sorts of things.

Quote:

Like I said in my OP, she believes that sex belongs in a loving, committed relationship.

Translation: the word marriage and sex aren't in the same sentence.

Quote:

I don't buy into that and in my view now she's not worth dating.

You are a wise man, and trust me -- I know what I'm talking about.

Quote:

Though I do fear there are not many good Catholic girls out there I can connect with and marry. I feel they are a 'rare breed' (don't take that the wrong way- no offense intended). Perhaps someday I will have to bite the bullet and date an unfaithful Catholic if her other qualities are good. I just wish dating was easier in this day and age for a faithful Catholic man. I don't want to date an unfaithful Catholic woman but I just might in the future.

*end rant*

Do not fear. You just never know. Like 27 years ago when I went to donate blood at the Red Cross. I thought the phlebotomist had a cute smile, so while she was draining my arm I offered to play her Mozart on my new piano. We have a very Catholic family with six kids, all with 13 years Catholic education. My oldest son just became elected the youngest Grand Knight we've ever had, at age 25.

Really, if you don't exert yourself looking, your soul mate will find you. It will be obvious. Just don't be afraid to say "hello" to someone who looks happy and wholesome.

Alan

Stratocatholic · #52 May 30, '12, 6:17 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolduude

Hello all,

There is a girl I'm interested in and have an opportunity to date in the near future. She is a great girl- good personality, looks, and smarts; she is compassionate and understands her own issues so as not to taint a relationship with them. She is understanding and patient; overall, she is a very good girl. She is also Catholic, though I do not think she is particularly devout (for instance, she honestly disagrees with the Church about gay marriage as far as I can tell). The catch is that she had premarital sex with her most recent boyfriend. She is not remorseful and does not feel that what she did was wrong. I attribute this lack of remorse to ignorance. Vincible ignorance, yes, but ignorance that leads to a disagreement with the Church on the issue of premarital sex.

I would like to date this girl if I have the chance, which it looks like I will, but the fact that she has had premarital sex and finds no fault with it is quite offsetting to me. Should premarital sex be a deal breaker when dating? Or should premarital sex be considered the norm and be overlooked for the greater good? What's some input? I'm looking for advice so I can make the right decision about pursuing a relationship with this girl or not.

Thanks,
coolduude

Supports gay marriage and pre-marital sex? RUN! RUN VERY FAST!

Crescentinus · #53 May 30, '12, 6:33 am

Unless there's some exception, it is a deal breaker!

**Friar David, O.Carm** · #54 May 30, '12, 2:55 pm

I think you need to look at what you said a bit more closely.

Quote:

Originally Posted by coolduude

She is a great girl

Quote:

overall, she is a very good girl. She is also Catholic

Then you say;

Quote:

though I do not think she is particularly devout (for instance, she honestly disagrees with the Church about gay marriage as far as I can tell). The catch is that she had premarital sex with her most recent boyfriend. She is not remorseful and does not feel that what she did was wrong.

I think you may have a different definition of "great" and "very good" than I do.

Premartial sex should not be a deal breaker on its own. It must be taken in context with the whole picture.

With this girl, as she is living in unrepentant sin, the answer should be "yes" to your question.