Gay Marriage and My Recent Visit to Fremoton

[SFH]

Fremoton USA

Hungry enough to eat a horse, I stopped at a local diner in Fremoton USA the other day. After I ordered a turkey on sourdough, chips, and a diet Coke, the waiter asked whether I would like that prepared à la bouche or à le nez. I gave him a puzzled look, and the waiter explained that all restaurants in Fremoton are required by law to give customers a choice -- they can have their food prepared to be eaten or snorted. Seeing I was still in the dark, the waiter sat down and told me the most extraordinary story.

It seems that many years ago the people of Fremoton ate and drank with their mouths. Every now and then, however, someone would come along who wanted to snort his food -- powdered sugar, flour, milk, an occasional pea. The snorters were not well received by the people of Fremoton. Sometimes noses were cut off … or worse. So the snorters went underground.

Times changed, and eventually the snorters decided to take matters into their own hands. Because frequent snorters sometimes develop nose infections, the snorters donated millions of dollars for the prevention and cure of nasal diseases. They also enlisted the aid of several prominent movie stars, singers, and politicians to popularize their lifestyle through frequent depictions of snorters in movies, TV shows, and songs.

“The people of Fremoton’s opposition to snorters,” they argued, “is positively medieval. Just because someone likes to snort his food through his nose doesn’t justify cutting off his nose or other atrocities.”

Most of the people of Fremoton seemed to agree. So the politicians and courts passed laws that anyone who discriminated against a snorter would be subject to criminal sanctions. Everyone thought that was the end of it.

But the snorters weren’t finished. “We still don’t have equal rights with the rest of the people of Fremoton,” they cried. “Restaurants continue to prepare food only in a way that can be eaten through the mouth. If we want to snort the food, we have to take it home, dehydrate it, and pulverize it to powder.”

In order to give the snorters full equal rights with the rest of the people of Fremoton, the politicians and courts decreed that all restaurants must prepare food so it can be eaten through the mouth or snorted through the nose.

I was dumbstruck. “But,” I stammered, “food is meant to be eaten through the mouth. That’s the way the human body is designed.”

“Well,” the waiter replied, “the snorters did find some studies that suggested some people may be genetically predisposed to snort their food through their noses rather than eat it through their mouths.”

“I’d like to see those studies,” I said. “And anyway, genetic predisposition doesn’t equate with biological feasibility.”

“It just didn’t seem fair to deprive snorters of the same gustational pleasures that other diners enjoy.”

Not convinced, I asked, “But why should society grant additional privileges to snorters?”

“I don’t follow you.”

“The human body is more efficiently nourished when food is eaten through the mouth. While the human body could be nourished through snorted food, society should not allocate privileges and resources to a less efficient form of consumption.”

“But that’s discrimination,” he cried.

“No, it really isn’t,” I insisted. “People don’t have to go to restaurants. They can buy the food at grocery stores. They can grow it. No one’s holding a gun to your head and forcing you to go to a restaurant. You decide to go to the restaurant on your own. And you know when you make that decision that the food is going to be prepared à la bouche.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders. “It is what it is. Now would you like that turkey on sourdough à la bouche or à le nez?”

“Forget it,” I said. “I lost my appetite.”

[Dorothy]

LOL!

[srferdave]

That is awesome. Where did you find this story?