Military family life? Advice please! - Page 3

Debora123 · #31 May 12, '12, 8:20 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Armyvet007

You're best source of information would be one of the Air Force wives internet forums [and the senior NCO wives on those forums (they're the ones that would know)].

Thanks, I'll try that.

Debora123 · #32 May 12, '12, 8:23 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by airforcefamily

Hi! I've read posts here for the past few years but I just joined so I could reply to your thread.

I'm an air force wife. My husband couldn't be a pilot because of his eyesight even though he was a civilian flight instructor and charter airline pilot in college. In his air force job he wears a flight suit and flies on a plane like a pilot but does other jobs.

Being a military wife with five young children is not easy. He's on a deployment right now. Every day is a challenge but still brings rewards. I feel I am more thankful for being his wife than I would be as a wife of a civilian. His deployments and training give us the gift of longing and we always make the time he's home count.

Being a military wife can be wonderful as well. We live on base and we have instant friendships with our neighbors. There are always social functions to attends and things for the kids to participate in. We don't have to worry about finding a decent place to live (although some bases have wait lists) or about healthcare (some bases have better medical groups than others but they're all at least ok, if you need a specialist they usually send you off base).

The air force, compared to other branches of the military, is more family friendly. The deployments can be long (a year or more) but are usually 2-6 months. There are remote tours that are sometimes unaccompanied. My husband spent a year in Korea without us but was able to come home for mid tour leave in the middle.

Many people say there are different expectations that come with being an officer's wife. The way I see it you're expected to behave in a way that reflects well on your husband no matter what his rank is. I know officer's wives who behave in a way that fosters gossip and enlisted wives who don't. Just remember that people talk so if you go the commissary (the on base grocery store) make sure your hair is brushed and looking nice even if you were up all night with a sick toddler....just ask me how I know!

I hope you decide what is best for you, don't be worried about being a military wife

Thank you so much for joining just to respond to me!

I've actually heard pilots don't deploy for more than 4 months at a time (or maybe it was 6 months?) because the planes can't be away for that long. Even still, 4 months sounds like a VERY long time without your husband... especially if you're all alone in Japan or something! Have you ever had to move to be stationed out of the country?? That's one of my greatest fears right now.

Nanny PK · #33 May 12, '12, 10:43 am

I thought I'd chime in. My sister is an AF wife. They have lived in England (before kids) and Germany (after kids). Right after moving to Germany, my brother-in-law deployed to Iraq. It was a six-month (if I remember correctly) deployment; but once you tacked on some extra training involved, I think it was more like eight months. Also added was the stress that he was only given about two-weeks' notice -- they knew it was coming but something go mixed up in the notification -- they thought he'd been notified of his deployment date, but he hadn't been.

All that being said, I remember reading on Facebook while he was deployed the love and care that my sister got from fellow AF wives and their husbands. One time I remember reading her post "I'm trying to figure out how to be in two places at once to pick up two kids." Her friends chimed in and said, "I've got L." The other one said, "I can pick up E when I go to get my daughter." One of the kids was sick and my sister was stuck at home (they lived off post). One of her friends posted "I just dropped groceries on your front porch."

Before their move to Germany they were stationed at Ft. Leavenworth, KS; and I got to witness first hand how other soldiers look after their friends' kids while they're deployed -- everything from changing tires, carrying in groceries, and attending daddy/daughter events at school so the little girls didn't have to miss out.

My niece and nephew (and sister) have also gotten to see so many parts of the world and the US that they would not have otherwise gotten to. They went driving one afternoon to France and heard the church bells ringing (they'd been looking for a particular restaurant) and decided to go to mass in France.

I know there are hardships and it really has to be a decision that you both make together, but there are so many adventures and experiences that you will receive that it definitely is something to consider.

airforcefamily · #34 May 12, '12, 4:00 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debora123

Thank you so much for joining just to respond to me!

I've actually heard pilots don't deploy for more than 4 months at a time (or maybe it was 6 months?) because the planes can't be away for that long. Even still, 4 months sounds like a VERY long time without your husband... especially if you're all alone in Japan or something! Have you ever had to move to be stationed out of the country?? That's one of my greatest fears right now.

Pilots and those who have flying type jobs (like my husband) can deploy for more than four months but they will not spend all that time flying because they are only allowed to fly a certain number of hours per year. The planes come and go for maintenance but the pilots and other flyers stay put.

If you were in Japan, Germany, or wherever it would be incredibly unusual for your husband to deploy since he would already be on an overseas assignment. Not to say it doesn't happen but I've never heard of it in eight years.

We've never been stationed out of the country but we hope to. Most of the time you would only be moved out of the country if he specifically request it. Overseas assignments are sometimes difficult to land since so many people want them. Hawaii, Alaska, and Canada (as an exchange officer, like an exchange student in school) are all considered overseas so that's an option if you don't want to be too far away. The good things about being overseas are being able to experience another culture or place and the extra pay. Most every overseas assignment carries with it a cost of living allowance which is based on the number of people in the family. It can vary from hardly anything to upwards of $2000/month for our seven person family. When he first commissioned I couldn't imagine being so far away from family but now I welcome the opportunity.

I do want to echo what has been posted already that the military isn't a way to financial security. I feel lucky that my husband has job security (unless he is injured) but the money he earns comes with sacrifice.

airforcefamily · #35 May 12, '12, 4:04 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nanny PK

I got to witness first hand how other soldiers look after their friends' kids while they're deployed -- everything from changing tires, carrying in groceries, and attending daddy/daughter events at school so the little girls didn't have to miss out.

Yes, this. The military becomes an extension of your family. I've knocked on the doors of neighbors I have never met to ask for help with anything from getting a big bug out of the laundry room, putting air in the tire of my husbands car, watching the kids so I can take a shower, and asking for food when we just moved in and have nothing to eat until the next morning. It's never occurred to me that someone might say no. Just tonight I brought a meal to the family of someone from my husband's squadron who had a baby. After each baby the ladies get together and provide a week of meals for the family since so few of us have family nearby.

Nanny PK · #36 May 12, '12, 6:42 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by airforcefamily

If you were in Japan, Germany, or wherever it would be incredibly unusual for your husband to deploy since he would already be on an overseas assignment. Not to say it doesn't happen but I've never heard of it in eight years.

I don't know how common it is, but I do know when my BIL and family went to Germany, they knew he was going to deploy. He is a pilot, but was not (at that time) in a flying position so maybe that's the difference.

hwriggles4 · #37 Jul 10, '12, 6:15 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debora123

F

So competitive, in fact, that he actually just received the good news yesterday that he can go ahead and apply for OTS right away, and he could get hired in and go to pilot training without even having to go through ROTC! Apparently the AF has been retiring a ton of older guys and are going to be doing some serious hiring for pilots in the next board. He is very excited and has said he wants to try to shoot for a fighter slot.

... So that is where we are at right now. All his paper work and applications are due next month, and then he'll hopefully get an interview and hopefully get into OTS. If that doesn't work out, ROTC will be our next step.

Please continue to send prayers or any more advice that would help me prepare for it.

Debora123:

Looks like you and your husband have gotten good advice. I was going to suggest looking into Air Force OTS, primarily because your husband already has a degree and a pilot's license. I don't remember what the age cutoff is for pilots. 20 years ago, it was 26-1/2. I recall around 9-11-2001, the age limit for OTS was 33. Age waivers could be granted depending on needs, physical qualifications, time of prior enlisted service, etc.

When I returned to college in my mid-20's, I looked into going into the Air Force ROTC. It was a year after the Gulf War, when the Air Force was downsizing, so my chances of a commission (I wasn't eligible for pilot or navigator) were slim, particularly because I only needed 2-1/2 years to finish my degree, although I wouldn't mind doing a summer of basic camp (the catch-up for missing the first two years of ROTC). No offense, I could have gone through Army ROTC, done the basic (i.e. catch-up) camp, and received a commission in the Army Reserve, but I wasn't very interested in serving in the Army.

Debora123, I don't think your husband would have a hard time passing the MEPS physical. I did that a few years ago when I was an applicant for a Coast Guard Direct Commission (after 9-11-2001, I was still young enough to be a Coast Guard Engineer, so I applied - took two days off work for a physical downtown). Although I didn't get in (four engineers were picked that year, I was told mostly electrical was needed after the selection was finished, my experience is more in civil), I'm glad I was able to complete the entire process. The Coast Guard is also a good service.

Debora123, is your husband interested in flying helicopters? The Coast Guard does have a program for Direct Commission Aviators, which might be worth looking into, since your husband has a pilot's license. There is a minimum number of flying hours needed, and a Coast Guard wife who posted here noted very truthfully that the Coast Guard doesn't have as many planes as the Air Force, but they do have helicopters. The Coast Guard does fly C-130's out of Elizabeth City, North Carolina, and probably out of places such as Kodiak, Alaska. Your husband probably is still young enough for Coast Guard Officer Candidate School too. It takes several weeks in New London, Connecticut, before going to flight training.

Good luck with the Air Force. It's a good service, and I think you could handle being an Air Force wife. My dad served 22 years, mostly in research capacities. When he was a Major (and later an LTC), most of his work to me seemed like a 9-5 job.

dedo · #38 Jul 10, '12, 6:57 pm

Hi Deborah:

I have never been in the military, but I grew up in a military family (Army). It is a different way to live. We moved almost every year. However, as a child it did not bother me, and I think I learned to be more "adaptable".

I would say the Air force is probably easier than the Army at present.

On one hand it can be tough if you are the type of person who likes to be anchored in one place. On the other hand, if you are open to new adventures, it could be exciting.

Also, although military life has more risk than civilian life (combat), it can also be a launchpad for other opportunities. In addition to airlines, businesses and even professional schools often see military training as an asset.

Good luck,

Dedo

faithfulwife · #39 Aug 15, '12, 5:37 am

I am coming to this late, but hopefully this sends you a note when you get a reply.
My husband has been in the Army 17 years. In those 17 years he has deployed 5 times: Iraq x 4 and Afghanistan x 1, each for a year a piece. He also did 12 months in Korea unaccompanied, and has been to four schools each of which were 6+ months long. Then there are the field exercises and TDYs....start doing the math....He is RARELY if ever home.
We have two children, a teenage son 17 and a daughter 11.
We just PCSd, meaning our son will spend his senior year at a new high school. Meaning in twelve years of school he has been in 8 schools. My husband was at a military school in a different state when I had our daughter, was allowed to come home for two weeks to see her, and then immediately was sent to Korea for a year. So he is missed her birth and entire first year of her life. He was deployed to Kuwait when we had our son, so the first time he saw him was almost walking. Needless to say we became adept at math as to not have any more children. Raising two children alone is difficult enough.
Because of his frequent combat deployments, he has a serious crisis of faith, which is also difficult to deal with and isolates us from parish life.

THIS is a very, very difficult life. I have found that if your husband is a soldier at heart, meaning that is his calling, there is really little you can do as his wife but support him. You will need to rethink your idea of your marriage vows and understand that a military marriage is in no way 50/50. You will ostensibly be a single parent. You won't be able to plan even so much as a vacation more than a month out because his schedule will be so changing and inflexible all at once. You will learn the Army is your husbands first wife in many ways. His commitment will be to the military first, and his family second. If he is a good husband, like mine, it is the closest second possible, but still second.

You will find that NO the military does not have alot of programs to support families. They say they do, but they don't. In all of these deployments do you know how many times the military has so much as even called to see if my children and I were alive? ZERO.

Your best bet to feel a part of his life is to get involved. I have been actively involved with the FRG, casualty assistance, CCS and housing programs. Years in you might get burnt out on these, I have, so I went back to school and got my Masters to feed my soul.

Like someone else said, medical care really depends on the duty station, some are great some are horrid. I have had duty stations where you just walk right in and get care, we have had others where you call to get an appt and they can't get you in for 6 weeks when your child has a 104 temperature. So it just depends on where you are stationed.

All in all military service as a Catholic family in two protracted wars has left us exhausted and jaded, but still together and we have seen places and had a deeper life than most can imagine. 28 funerals in two months does something to a person that is all at once atrocious and uplifting. You will definitely learn under fire what is and isn't important, but you will also question everything you have known. For me, this has become a deeper relationship with God, for my husband it is a constant fight to remain faithful. If you go into it eyes wide open, and with "divorce is not an option". You will find ways to succeed as a Catholic family in the military.

Best,
Sabrina

Debora123 · #40 Aug 15, '12, 5:51 am

Thank you all for your responses.

Even though I haven't been able to address all of you individually, I'd like you all to know that my husband and I have read each and every one of your posts... and they are all highly appreciated.

Just to give you all an update, there is really no update as of now lol.

Brian sent in his application and had an excellent interview with an officer. Now we are just waiting to find out if he got in or not. The board is supposedly meeting sometime this week or next to make their decision. And we can expect to know if he got in anytime after that.

One thing that's got us worried right now is this whole budget crisis. If the government decides to cut military funding, we're not sure they will be doing much hiring for this upcoming board.

As soon as we know the results, I will post them on here and let you all know what's going on.

Thanks again.

Debora123 · #41 Aug 15, '12, 5:58 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfulwife

I am coming to this late, but hopefully this sends you a note when you get a reply.
My husband has been in the Army 17 years. In those 17 years he has deployed 5 times: Iraq x 4 and Afghanistan x 1, each for a year a piece. He also did 12 months in Korea unaccompanied, and has been to four schools each of which were 6+ months long. Then there are the field exercises and TDYs....start doing the math....He is RARELY if ever home.
We have two children, a teenage son 17 and a daughter 11.
We just PCSd, meaning our son will spend his senior year at a new high school. Meaning in twelve years of school he has been in 8 schools. My husband was at a military school in a different state when I had our daughter, was allowed to come home for two weeks to see her, and then immediately was sent to Korea for a year. So he is missed her birth and entire first year of her life. He was deployed to Kuwait when we had our son, so the first time he saw him was almost walking. Needless to say we became adept at math as to not have any more children. Raising two children alone is difficult enough.
Because of his frequent combat deployments, he has a serious crisis of faith, which is also difficult to deal with and isolates us from parish life.

THIS is a very, very difficult life. I have found that if your husband is a soldier at heart, meaning that is his calling, there is really little you can do as his wife but support him. You will need to rethink your idea of your marriage vows and understand that a military marriage is in no way 50/50. You will ostensibly be a single parent. You won't be able to plan even so much as a vacation more than a month out because his schedule will be so changing and inflexible all at once. You will learn the Army is your husbands first wife in many ways. His commitment will be to the military first, and his family second. If he is a good husband, like mine, it is the closest second possible, but still second.

You will find that NO the military does not have alot of programs to support families. They say they do, but they don't. In all of these deployments do you know how many times the military has so much as even called to see if my children and I were alive? ZERO.

Your best bet to feel a part of his life is to get involved. I have been actively involved with the FRG, casualty assistance, CCS and housing programs. Years in you might get burnt out on these, I have, so I went back to school and got my Masters to feed my soul.

Like someone else said, medical care really depends on the duty station, some are great some are horrid. I have had duty stations where you just walk right in and get care, we have had others where you call to get an appt and they can't get you in for 6 weeks when your child has a 104 temperature. So it just depends on where you are stationed.

All in all military service as a Catholic family in two protracted wars has left us exhausted and jaded, but still together and we have seen places and had a deeper life than most can imagine. 28 funerals in two months does something to a person that is all at once atrocious and uplifting. You will definitely learn under fire what is and isn't important, but you will also question everything you have known. For me, this has become a deeper relationship with God, for my husband it is a constant fight to remain faithful. If you go into it eyes wide open, and with "divorce is not an option". You will find ways to succeed as a Catholic family in the military.

Best,
Sabrina

Sabrina, (lovely name btw)

I have to comment on this post.

While I know that not every military family has the same experience, if my circumstances are anything like you describe above, I have NO idea how I'd ever be able to make it.

All I can do is hope that perhaps the Air Force isn't as demanding as the Army... because I don't think I'd ever be able to deal with a life such as you describe above.

I also have a question regarding your husband's commitment - you say he's been in for 17 years, but if things are so rough for the family, why wouldn't he have just left after his 4 or 5 or 10 year commitment (whatever it is) was up?

Wishing you and your children the best of luck through all of this.

-Debora

faithfulwife · #42 Aug 15, '12, 6:19 am

And this is why I spoke of "calling". Your husband may very well go in, and find, he is "called" by God to serve, as mine has. He actually went in one enlistement, got out a year because we saw how difficult it was, and went right back in after that year because he was MISERABLE. If felt called to serve. Once you are called to anything you can't just walk away from it as easily as one might think. It is no different as his wife. Why haven't I just gotten divorced? I am called to be this man's wife. This man is a soldier, therefore I am called to be a soldier's wife.

If that doesn't make sense to you today...perhaps with time in the military it will.

I like to be brutally honest with people so they make decisions "eyes wide open". The military life, regardless of branches and we know people in every branch, is difficult. With each individual branch comes variances on the theme, but each of them are difficult and almost alien to everything you will have learned about marriage, commitment and family life in a civilian sense.

Believe it or not, I am grateful for the life we have had. It has been all at once, gut wrenching and soul nurturing. What is and isn't important becomes very, very REAL.

In order to be successful as a military family I think you have to believe in larger values: character, calling, selfless service. But in no way will you ever become a Stepford wife who can accept all of those thigns each and every day, with a yellow ribbon in your hair waving a flag...it wil be a continuous struggle, one that can polish your soul if you let it.

God Bless and Keep you and your husband and may you find the lives you are meant to lead in His service.

Sabrina

faithfulwife · #43 Aug 15, '12, 6:34 am

And as for "how you will make it". You have absolutely no idea how strong you are, until tested. Luke 17:21 Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you
Inside of you is the strength of our Lord. It is in each of us. And if you harness that strength through prayer, obedience and service....(I spend alot of time with Catholic Community Services...ALOT of time) anything, absolutely anything is not just survivable...but thrivable. You can thrive in a military marriage, even one with every odd against you, and every horrid duty station, and funerals and endless deployments...but it takes a serious commitment to your husband and God.

Sabrina

Debora123 · #44 Aug 15, '12, 7:45 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfulwife

And this is why I spoke of "calling". Your husband may very well go in, and find, he is "called" by God to serve, as mine has. He actually went in one enlistement, got out a year because we saw how difficult it was, and went right back in after that year because he was MISERABLE. If felt called to serve. Once you are called to anything you can't just walk away from it as easily as one might think. It is no different as his wife. Why haven't I just gotten divorced? I am called to be this man's wife. This man is a soldier, therefore I am called to be a soldier's wife.

But what about his calling as a father and husband? Shouldn't that be his first priority and his first calling, as per the wedding vows?

Sorry, don't mean to judge. I'm just having a hard time grasping this concept and don't think I'll ever see it the same way.

But my husband tells me the AF is different as a lot less difficult than the Army... so I can hope for the best.

Debora123 · #45 Aug 15, '12, 7:47 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by faithfulwife

And as for "how you will make it". You have absolutely no idea how strong you are, until tested. Luke 17:21 Neither shall they say, Lo here! or, lo there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you
Inside of you is the strength of our Lord. It is in each of us. And if you harness that strength through prayer, obedience and service....(I spend alot of time with Catholic Community Services...ALOT of time) anything, absolutely anything is not just survivable...but thrivable. You can thrive in a military marriage, even one with every odd against you, and every horrid duty station, and funerals and endless deployments...but it takes a serious commitment to your husband and God.

Sabrina

Thank you Sabrina.