It's all too much ;(

[hihiip201]

Hi all


A follow up to my last post regarding jealousy. I have tried my best to not think about other's life and just focus on my own. I prayed and prayed but it's not helping. Everything I see how happy others are I just can't help but feel really betrayed. I once thought I can be different that I won't be affected by my envoriment, that I won't be limited by my deformities. but I guess I can't.

I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it's all getting too hard ;(
It is like God treat me as if I am his slave.


anything will help, please spare a prayer if it's not too troublesome. thanks!

[CountrySteve]

Hail Mary.....

[St Francis]

O Lord, please help Hihiip focus more on You than on anything here on earth.

[Julian0404]

You are translating "humility" into "worthlessness". GOD made you/us to be humble, but it is very difficult for us to lower ourselves. Apparently, in your deformiting, you are translating it to be "worthless", and thus labeling yourself as "worthless".

You will never be able to pray for others, if you embrace that you are worthless - of lower or little value. Your heart is closed to mercy for others as you have closed yourself from GOD's mercy to you - in failing understanding your true value to HIM - through your humility.

You look at "others" and feel worthless, lable yourself worthless when - instead - you should be looking at JESUS "on the Cross", where HE did not resemble a human as HE was so tortured and deformed by their cruel punishment, that HE was deformed. However, in HIS deformity and tortue HE still looked upon "others" with mercy and HE prayed for them.

Get a copy of the book "The Dolorus Passion of Our Lord JESUS CHRIST" by Anne Catherine Emmrich and meditate on the deformity of JESUS through HIS passion. Understand what HE went through - for you - and still HE prayed for others. And the perhaps you will find the humility necessary to pray for others and ask GOD to release HIS mercy upon them.

[Robertanthony]

Originally Posted by hihiip201

Hi all


A follow up to my last post regarding jealousy. I have tried my best to not think about other's life and just focus on my own. I prayed and prayed but it's not helping. Everything I see how happy others are I just can't help but feel really betrayed. I once thought I can be different that I won't be affected by my envoriment, that I won't be limited by my deformities. but I guess I can't.

I know that God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but it's all getting too hard ;(
It is like God treat me as if I am his slave.


anything will help, please spare a prayer if it's not too troublesome. thanks!

Who told you that? Let's say for argument's sake that an extremely sadistic serial killer got a kick not only out of killing his victims but he made sure they died a horrendous death, it could be burying them alive or other forms of torture. As one poor victim starts to feel the lack of oxygen and knows the absolute horror,pain, and panic that is going to ensue within seconds, do you think in an absolute way that God didn't give her/him more than she/he can handle? Problem is freewill, not God. God perhaps puts a limit to the evil someone can do out of their own freewill but people around you can do alot of damage. I've always been slow, not too bright, naive, immature, ADD, do you think it was more than I could handle when a bunch of people I thought my friends or at least acquaintances that liked me started giggling and trading knowing smiles when some smart aleck among them started singing a song involving a pun made with my name and someone with Down syndrome and, being slow on the uptake, I was the last one to catch on? It destroyed the little bit of self-worth and self-esteem that was still standing .To some this life is a beach, to others it's how we call a female dog and to others it's a mix of both. Unless I get hit with a lot of money, the rest of my life will be one long and boring walk across a seemingly endless desert, sure there'll be a cool breeze here and there, surprisingly nice people once in a while, an occasional rainshower to cool me down, an oasis to drink from, but there will no escaping the desert for me. Life can be brutal, friend. God is not sitting close making sure everyone gets just enough pain but not 1 ounce too much, that is not how he operates.Hence my signature.

[hihiip201]

Originally Posted by Julian0404

You are translating "humility" into "worthlessness". GOD made you/us to be humble, but it is very difficult for us to lower ourselves. Apparently, in your deformiting, you are translating it to be "worthless", and thus labeling yourself as "worthless".

You will never be able to pray for others, if you embrace that you are worthless - of lower or little value. Your heart is closed to mercy for others as you have closed yourself from GOD's mercy to you - in failing understanding your true value to HIM - through your humility.

You look at "others" and feel worthless, lable yourself worthless when - instead - you should be looking at JESUS "on the Cross", where HE did not resemble a human as HE was so tortured and deformed by their cruel punishment, that HE was deformed. However, in HIS deformity and tortue HE still looked upon "others" with mercy and HE prayed for them.

Get a copy of the book "The Dolorus Passion of Our Lord JESUS CHRIST" by Anne Catherine Emmrich and meditate on the deformity of JESUS through HIS passion. Understand what HE went through - for you - and still HE prayed for others. And the perhaps you will find the humility necessary to pray for others and ask GOD to release HIS mercy upon them.

But why? why do I have deformities that are specially significant (than others)? Does he want me to be MORE humble? Or does it mean my natural ego is bigger than others that he feels like he needs to strike me harder to make my humble?

[littlenothing]

Hihiip, it is difficult to accept hardships from God's hand. You may feel He gives more to others than to you. That is quite understandable. A poster said to read The Passion of The Christ, and I agree. In particular, notice how Jesus focuses His mercy on Mary Magdalen, Pilate, Peter, Veronica. Then notice He did not even answer Herod at all. Your crosses are from God, at least in that He allowed you to have them. He is speaking to you. He is giving you a special share in His Passion. Remember how Jesus, in the Garden of Olives, asked that this chalice should pass from Him? Yet it didn't. He understands that you do not ask for your hardships. They are from the Father, who is making something beautiful of you.

Another thing: Mother Teresa said God gives hardships to those He trusts the most. I just wish He didn't trust me so much! If she can feel the heavy burdens and desire relief, if Jesus can feel heavy burdens and desire relief, then aren't you in good company?

I will pray for you, friend. You are greatly loved by the Father, who has offered you a share in the suffering of His Son. I pray that your jealousy may be replaced by true charity and peace. I pray that you will find joy in your sufferings.

[hihiip201]

Originally Posted by Robertanthony

Who told you that? Let's say for argument's sake that an extremely sadistic serial killer got a kick not only out of killing his victims but he made sure they died a horrendous death, it could be burying them alive or other forms of torture. As one poor victim starts to feel the lack of oxygen and knows the absolute horror,pain, and panic that is going to ensue within seconds, do you think in an absolute way that God didn't give her/him more than she/he can handle? Problem is freewill, not God. God perhaps puts a limit to the evil someone can do out of their own freewill but people around you can do alot of damage. I've always been slow, not too bright, naive, immature, ADD, do you think it was more than I could handle when a bunch of people I thought my friends or at least acquaintances that liked me started giggling and trading knowing smiles when some smart aleck among them started singing a song involving a pun made with my name and someone with Down syndrome and, being slow on the uptake, I was the last one to catch on? It destroyed the little bit of self-worth and self-esteem that was still standing .To some this life is a beach, to others it's how we call a female dog and to others it's a mix of both. Unless I get hit with a lot of money, the rest of my life will be one long and boring walk across a seemingly endless desert, sure there'll be a cool breeze here and there, surprisingly nice people once in a while, an occasional rainshower to cool me down, an oasis to drink from, but there will no escaping the desert for me. Life can be brutal, friend. God is not sitting close making sure everyone gets just enough pain but not 1 ounce too much, that is not how he operates.Hence my signature.

But why??? Why are some people more fortunate than others?
I've seen wicked, corrupted and evil bxxxxxds who lives life like a king. I've seen good , kind nice people with beautiful faces and their beautiful life that they deserve that I can draw a picture of them everyday and not get tired.

I've also seen those who are wicked getting their punishment and what they deserve. and those who have lived their life honestly and the path of righteousness suffer from no one but the very hands of God himself.

Does it mean God plays favor? Is it true that life is unfair?

What does this all mean? I just want to live in a world where I can be myself and no pain!
I once, actually I still believe that God intended to use me to do great things for justice (I'm not joking I'm actually taking classes of criminal justice besides engineering at school). I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do what I'm called for, I am his loyal servant and I have defended him again and again at school whenever my belief is mocked by my peers. Have I not demonstrated my love for him, if he plays favor I should be on the top of his list ! Or am I being the pharisee in Luke 18:9-14?

[littlenothing]

Maybe I am the naive one here, hihiip, but did you not read what I posted? Do you imagine that God doesn't know exactly what you need to become perfect? He is not punishing you. He is not lavishing riches and good looks on His favorites. Do you think that when the rich and beautiful reach judgement they will have their earthly treasures to defend them? No! Do NOT build up riches, beauty, ease and the like here on earth. Build up what God gave you to build up. I am not condemning the rich and beautiful. Perhaps they are made of a weaker material than you. Read the Book of Job, my friend. Pay attention to God's answer to Job. This world IS a desert. This is not our home. We are here to know, love and serve God. The way to happiness and peace is not by gaining things, honors or even people. The way to happiness and peace is doing the Will of God.

Open your heart to what I am saying. I too combat jealousy almost daily. I too have been given the kind of life that makes even my sisters say, "wow, you really have it tough". Do not despair. Do you know Jesus was called the Man of Sorrows?

[littlenothing]

By the way, maybe you are, as you say, on the top of His list, if that were possible. Do you think God wants you to become a spoiled brat? Then why would He treat you with kid gloves? I am looking for a good novena to say for you.

[hihiip201]

Originally Posted by littlenothing

Maybe I am the naive one here, hihiip, but did you not read what I posted? Do you imagine that God doesn't know exactly what you need to become perfect? He is not punishing you. He is not lavishing riches and good looks on His favorites. Do you think that when the rich and beautiful reach judgement they will have their earthly treasures to defend them? No! Do NOT build up riches, beauty, ease and the like here on earth. Build up what God gave you to build up. I am not condemning the rich and beautiful. Perhaps they are made of a weaker material than you. Read the Book of Job, my friend. Pay attention to God's answer to Job. This world IS a desert. This is not our home. We are here to know, love and serve God. The way to happiness and peace is not by gaining things, honors or even people. The way to happiness and peace is doing the Will of God.

Open your heart to what I am saying. I too combat jealousy almost daily. I too have been given the kind of life that makes even my sisters say, "wow, you really have it tough". Do not despair. Do you know Jesus was called the Man of Sorrows?

Oh sorry I wasn't reading your post when I post the last reply.

[hihiip201]

Originally Posted by littlenothing

Maybe I am the naive one here, hihiip, but did you not read what I posted? Do you imagine that God doesn't know exactly what you need to become perfect? He is not punishing you. He is not lavishing riches and good looks on His favorites. Do you think that when the rich and beautiful reach judgement they will have their earthly treasures to defend them? No! Do NOT build up riches, beauty, ease and the like here on earth. Build up what God gave you to build up. I am not condemning the rich and beautiful. Perhaps they are made of a weaker material than you. Read the Book of Job, my friend. Pay attention to God's answer to Job. This world IS a desert. This is not our home. We are here to know, love and serve God. The way to happiness and peace is not by gaining things, honors or even people. The way to happiness and peace is doing the Will of God.

Open your heart to what I am saying. I too combat jealousy almost daily. I too have been given the kind of life that makes even my sisters say, "wow, you really have it tough". Do not despair. Do you know Jesus was called the Man of Sorrows?

You are right....I just ... Couldn't see through things clear under the stress I'm in. You know? "It's hard down here god" that's what I say to him daily. And I guess all I ever wanted was something that after a day of sorrow, stressful work/school, no matter how beaten I am, how much failure I created, I can come home and look at that thing and go "hey, at least I have this" .(preferably good looks since I'm also an artist). But now I see maybe that thing I should be looking at is God himself.

[littlenothing]

I'm in the very same boat. I say to God all the time, "Hello? Are You there?!" I usu speak with Him very frankly. Though He already knows, I tell Him all of the things that I wish were different, how I feel so abandoned and, yes, punished! He gets it. I tell Him that I just can't seem to love and have good wishes for those in my life who have everything. I lay it all out for Him to deal with.

I also know what you mean about just wanting to have SOMETHING..ANYTHINGS I say that all the time to Him, too.

I have come to the conclusion that what He has given me is a sense of justice..and He gave that to you, too, by the way, a duty to perform and the way to do it, and a great big desire to offer support to those who feel they are drowning in this life. Might sound flimsy to some, but I can say, along with Job..the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the Name of the Lord. He is my Father and when I reach Him He will refresh me. Talk to Him. He will show you the way on your thorny path.

[littlenothing]

St Elizabeth of Portugal, apparently, is the patron saint of those struggling with jealousy. I have never asked for her help before, but here goes! One novena to St E for hihiip on the way!

[revert_jen]

Originally Posted by hihiip201

What does this all mean? I just want to live in a world where I can be myself and no pain!

I don't think anyone is without pain. If you are waiting for a life that is without pain, you will be disappointed. In addition, a great benefit for a person who wants to work for justice is the deep understanding of the evils of injustice. That requires that you experience pain.

I know someone who was talking with a co-worker who said, "You're always so happy. I wish I could be like that." However, unknown to the co-worker, she was going through a painful divorce and was really pretty miserable much of the time. She just didn't let on except to close friends.

It might help your jealousy to know that you really don't know whether other people are happy or not. They might look happy, and you might feel that you would be happy in their shoes, but they are not you and they have their own pain.

I don't mean to say that everyone is miserable. I mean that people can be generally happy even if they have pain, and also that people can be unhappy without other people knowing.

Originally Posted by hihiip201

I once, actually I still believe that God intended to use me to do great things for justice (I'm not joking I'm actually taking classes of criminal justice besides engineering at school). I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do what I'm called for, I am his loyal servant and I have defended him again and again at school whenever my belief is mocked by my peers. Have I not demonstrated my love for him, if he plays favor I should be on the top of his list ! Or am I being the pharisee in Luke 18:9-14?

Some of the most important words you can ever say in prayer are, "Thy will be done." God may intend to use you to further the cause of justice. If He does, that doesn't mean it will be now, and it doesn't mean that it will happen the way you think. "Whatever is called for" is sometimes waiting obediently and patiently for the time that God (who knows everything) chooses.

Keep in mind that the real goal of life is not happiness, but holiness. If we manage to be holy, we will be happy in Heaven beyond even our ability to understand it now. That doesn't mean that you can't want or strive to be happy in this life, but that if God is allowing you to feel pain as an opportunity to become more holy, He is (as usual) actually helping you.

As for defending God against the mocking of your peers, surely you weren't doing that to prove something to God? God knows your heart, even better than you do. You can "defend" God against attacks from others because what they are saying about God is simply untrue. You can also do it because those others are also children of God and He wants them to come to know and love Him, which they can't while they have false ideas. You can do it because it is hard and unpleasant and it will help you build the virtues of fortitude, justice, and charity. But there isn't really any point in doing it just to show God something. He already knows.

Reading your posts, Luke 18:9-14 does not come to mind at all. But you might (as we all might, certainly me) spend some time praying about Luke 14:7-11. Perhaps God doesn't intend you to do "great" things for justice. Perhaps He intends you to do "small" things for justice that will have an even greater effect on more souls--but you won't be able to see it until after this life is through.

Trust God. He knows more than you do about His purposes for you, your gifts, and your virtues, as well as your weaknesses and your sins, and He, he creator of the universe and the ultimate Good, loves you for who you are. Because He loves you so much, He wants you to be better of course, as He wants us all to be better. But He wants you to be the best YOU, not the best someone else.

He also knows everything else, and His will is to be done not just because we "owe" it to Him (which of course we do) but also because His will is informed by His infinite knowledge and His infinite goodness, which means that if we disagree with Him about what's best, we're just wrong. I was much older than you are (at least if you are standard college age) when I finally started to "get" this idea, but if the Holy Spirit is willing to use me to help you be better than I am in that respect, it will be a great blessing for both of us.

--Jen