Newlywed issue

[EasterJoy]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

To people who do not have an ugly sexual past -

It's not easy to leave this behind. Porn leaves images in your brain, that persist for a long time. Masturbation is a habit that is difficult to break, and sometimes becomes an obsession, especially if porn is involved. Previous sexual experiences live on in your brain also, and show up at the worst times (when you are making love with your spouse).

I had guilt even before I reverted. Once I returned to the Church, I carried a ton more guilt forward. Yes, I understand I am forgiven. Yet the effects persist. I continued to masturbate and use contraception even after I returned to the Church, and did certain sexual practices that are sinful, until earlier this year when I could finally talk to my husband about it.

Not to make this thread about me.

I'm just saying that unless you have been there, you don't know how messed up one's sexuality can get. On this earth, I will NEVER understand nor experience what holy sex could be. You can't get the toothpaste back into the tube once it's out...

However, the OP and her husband sound young...I hope he can be more successful at healing than I have been. A support group or therapist would help, IMO. And frequent confession from an understanding priest.

This is a very good point!

We aren't saying shame is something to be ashamed of, or we shouldn't be saying that. We're saying that shame is a wound to be tended, a bond that God desires to have broken, a prison from which God intends the prisoner to be freed. No matter what lies the devil tells, shame is not the truth, shame does not have a healing element to it, shame does not have a positive purpose. Shame is not deserved, but it is also not something that the person feeling the shame can always feel free to turn on and off. It is a means by which we are tormented, sometimes with our cooperation, but sometimes in spite of our best efforts to resist it.

It is a mistake to address the issues they are having by blaming them on a past that he has repented from and can't change. The issues are there, but it is time to patiently and lovingly deal with them, together, as one of many obstacles they will need to navigate as they go through life.

The message is not that the OP's husband should be ashamed of his shame, but that he and his wife ought to give him permission and encouragement to do the work of letting go of it. Likewise, they need to be matter-of-fact that they are going to address whatever physical challenges he has ahead as a result of his past choices as a couple. If he had lost his ability to walk because he had been in an alcohol-related crash, would they hold his bad judgement over his head forever? Would they keep returning to the idea that the challenges they have to face are his fault? Let's hope not! Let's hope they'd set their life up to give him as much mobility as possible, and to regain his ability to walk, if that were possible, and if not, to rejoice in what he can do, and go with that. This is that kind of a situation.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by EasterJoy

This is a very good point!

We aren't saying shame is something to be ashamed of, or we shouldn't be saying that. We're saying that shame is a wound to be tended, a bond that God desires to have broken, a prison from which God intends the prisoner to be freed. No matter what lies the devil tells, shame is not the truth, shame does not have a healing element to it, shame does not have a positive purpose. Shame is not deserved, but it is also not something that the person feeling the shame can always feel free to turn on and off. It is a means by which we are tormented, sometimes with our cooperation, but sometimes in spite of our best efforts to resist it.

It is a mistake to address the issues they are having by blaming them on a past that he has repented from and can't change. The issues are there, but it is time to patiently and lovingly deal with them, together, as one of many obstacles they will need to navigate as they go through life.

The message is not that the OP's husband should be ashamed of his shame, but that he and his wife ought to give him permission and encouragement to do the work of letting go of it. Likewise, they need to be matter-of-fact that they are going to address whatever physical challenges he has ahead as a result of his past choices as a couple. If he had lost his ability to walk because he had been in an alcohol-related crash, would they hold his bad judgement over his head forever? Would they keep returning to the idea that the challenges they have to face are his fault? Let's hope not! Let's hope they'd set their life up to give him as much mobility as possible, and to regain his ability to walk, if that were possible, and if not, to rejoice in what he can do, and go with that. This is that kind of a situation.

Agree completely. They would not try to heal that kind of injury on their own, though - they would be in the care of competent professionals who could rehabilitate him and help him learn new ways of coping with whatever disability he may be left with. That is why I believe that he needs to seek help NOW from people who know this problem from the inside and can help guide him toward forgiving himself as God has already forgiven him. He doesn't have an entire lifetime of sin and self-recrimination to work through, so there's a good chance he can reclaim what the locusts have consumed, but there's no point in wasting time trying to do it on his own.

To use your analogy, if a person who had injured himself in a DUI had serious disabilities, it wouldn't do any good for him to tell himself, "Well I deserve this pain I am living with, so I am not going to see the doctor," because his injuries might never heal, or they might heal so as to cause him even further pain and disability. Even if his injuries came about from a personal moral failure, they still deserve treatment.

There is a huge degree of shame involved in sins of impurity. In this case, at least his wife knows the extent of his sin and they can deal with it together. But even she probably needs someone else to talk to, to express her feelings of hurt and pain to, who is NOT him. I would advise her to seek her own counselor even if her husband does not wish to (but I hope that he does, also). A spiritual director can also help a person get through the shame. And a lot of time spent before the Blessed Sacrament will also help, as will frequent confession and reception of the Eucharist.

[PaulGH]

Originally Posted by JerseyKnit

We both thought we'd "be Together" several times a day,

As I think others have said, that's probably not a reasonable expectation. OK, maybe for a few days on the honeymoon, but not on an ongoing basis, week after week, month after month. There will be other demands on your time and his time, and the human body does have its limits!

It might be better to set your expectation at several times per week, or perhaps even once per day, but not several times per day.

Originally Posted by JerseyKnit

but he has issues with being able to unless I manually stimulate him first.

Is this necessarily a problem? I can understand why you might expect that simply being together in that moment would be enough to get him going, but if he needs a little extra help from you, is that really a problem?

Originally Posted by JerseyKnit

so tell me, what would you do? Was I out of line to criticize his desire for manual stimulation? are we both wrong to have decided to put sex on the back burner? Should I learn even more about his past? How can I make things ok?.

My advice would be relax, and just let it happen. Marriage is never going to be exactly what you expected before you got married. He is your husband, you are his wife, you love each other. Just relax and let yourselves express that love for each other. Worrying about it or criticizing each other on such sensitive issues will only make the situation worse.

Another thing is that the longer you are married, the more you will get in tune with each other with regard to sexual intimacy. If it seems like you are not quite on the same page with each other right now, at the start of your marriage, just relax and be patient. If all goes well, you should find yourselves more and more in tune with each other with each passing year.

[EasterJoy]

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Agree completely. They would not try to heal that kind of injury on their own, though - they would be in the care of competent professionals who could rehabilitate him and help him learn new ways of coping with whatever disability he may be left with. That is why I believe that he needs to seek help NOW from people who know this problem from the inside and can help guide him toward forgiving himself as God has already forgiven him. He doesn't have an entire lifetime of sin and self-recrimination to work through, so there's a good chance he can reclaim what the locusts have consumed, but there's no point in wasting time trying to do it on his own.

To use your analogy, if a person who had injured himself in a DUI had serious disabilities, it wouldn't do any good for him to tell himself, "Well I deserve this pain I am living with, so I am not going to see the doctor," because his injuries might never heal, or they might heal so as to cause him even further pain and disability. Even if his injuries came about from a personal moral failure, they still deserve treatment.

There is a huge degree of shame involved in sins of impurity. In this case, at least his wife knows the extent of his sin and they can deal with it together. But even she probably needs someone else to talk to, to express her feelings of hurt and pain to, who is NOT him. I would advise her to seek her own counselor even if her husband does not wish to (but I hope that he does, also). A spiritual director can also help a person get through the shame. And a lot of time spent before the Blessed Sacrament will also help, as will frequent confession and reception of the Eucharist.

This post is full of wise advice.

[Mystic Banana]

Originally Posted by EasterJoy

This post is full of wise advice.

I agree, also regarding the whole thread. I hope the OP reads this stuff - I think, here, there's a lot of honest reflection of what life is really like, and how the modern approach to sex affects us. I can relate to all this far too well

[white sheep]

Give it time.

When you guys slow down and some time passes the effects of prior behavior will lessen greatly.