Coffee (Clean Joke)

[Pfaffenhoffen]

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."

[Pfaffenhoffen]

I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a
lot.

It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no
wife to go home to... or they do

[Pfaffenhoffen]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister
smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 chapters. I will now
proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[Pfaffenhoffen]

Groaner: Horse for Sale

An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he
sees a sign on his neighbor's lawn: "Horse for Sale."
Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his
neighbor's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing
down a fine-looking stallion.

"Hello, friend. I saw your sign out there and came over to
see your horse for sale."

Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but he
manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse
for-a sale."

"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer. "Why, he's a fine
horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"

"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "he no looka so good
anymore."

The old farmer, convinced that his neighbor has lost his
mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field
over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back
to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses
the door completely and smacks head first into the wall.
"That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old
farmer.

He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in
hand, to give his neighbor a piece of his mind. "You sold me
a near blind horse, you ol' cheat, and you didn't even tell
me!" he screams.

"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer. "I say, 'He no
looka so good anymore!'"

[Jitterbug]

A bum came up to me yesterday and said he hadn't had a bite in weeks. So I bit him!


There are two things I can't eat for breakfast.
Lunch and dinner.

"But dear, It says it pays for itself!"
"Well! Tell me when it's finished paying for itself and have it sent over!"

~I Love Lucy

[BListon]

A young teenager was on a dare by his friends to go into the haunted house down the street. He went inside, and saw a floating coffin before his eyes, he ran upstairs as it followed him through the bedroom, and into the bathroom. In a last minute attempt to save himself, he reached into the medicine cabinet, grabbed a bag of cough drops, and threw it at the coffin, and the coffin' stopped

[GEddie]

Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?

A: Because he floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.

[Little Mary]

An farmer and his wife were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor, who gave them some exercises to do at home to strengthen their relationship.

The farmer's brother came over the next day and found the farmer standing in front of his tractor, batting his eyelashes, winking, and acting very flirt-y. When asked what he was doing the farmer answered, "I'm doing just what the counselor told me to do...I'm acting sexy to a tractor".

[GEddie]

Originally Posted by Little Mary

An farmer and his wife were having marital problems so they went to see a marriage counselor, who gave them some exercises to do at home to strengthen their relationship.

The farmer's brother came over the next day and found the farmer standing in front of his tractor, batting his eyelashes, winking, and acting very flirt-y. When asked what he was doing the farmer answered, "I'm doing just what the counselor told me to do...I'm acting sexy to a tractor".

A Texas Aggie was standing out in the cotton staring off into space.

His wife asked him what he was doing.

"Trying for the Nobel Prize," he said.

"How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?" she asked

"Someone told me that they give it to those who are out standing in their field."

[Little Mary]

Originally Posted by GEddie

A Texas Aggie was standing out in the cotton staring off into space.

His wife asked him what he was doing.

"Trying for the Nobel Prize," he said.

"How are you going to get the Nobel Prize?" she asked

"Someone told me that they give it to those who are out standing in their field."

I deserved that!!!

[GEddie]

A blonde was driving across Texas when she saw another blonde sitting in a rowboat in the middle of a cotton field, rowing for all she was worth.

The first blonde pulled up, climbed out and yelled at the second blonde:

"It's people like you who give blondes a bad name everywhere!

"I can't believe you are so stupid!

"Why, if I could swim, I'd go over there RIGHT NOW and kick some sense into you!!!!!!!!!!"

[raikou]

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that you’re dog is dead, too.” The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black Labrador retriever. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, “$650.”

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaims the man.

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.

www.funnycleanjokes.com

[raikou]

Signs - Lost in translation


In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am daily.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people’s fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Stop—Drive sideways.

Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to read notice.

Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find that they are best in the long run.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speeching American.

A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion

A Finnish hotel’s instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

www.funnycleanjokes.com

[GEddie]

A trucker was dining at a truck stop when a biker gang showed up and began to harass him.

He stood up, paid his check and left.

"Haw," the gang leader snorted; "he wasn't much of a man at all."

"He's not much of a driver either," said the waitress; "he just drove his rig right over all your bikes."

[raikou]

What did the headlines say when a short fortune-teller escaped from prison?


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