I want to go to a different mass than my hubby

buckle126 · #1 Jun 10, '12, 6:48 pm

My husband & I have been together for almost 5 years, married for 2. When we first met, he wasn't going to Mass at all. I was going to church (Methodist) sometimes. I had mentioned to my husband that after we were married, that I wanted to convert to Catholic & go to Mass with him, he's a cradle Catholic who even went to all Catholic schools. The following Sunday, we began going to Mass. I enrolled in RCIA & began my journey. My husband & I had fell away from the Church for about a year & I didn't finish RCIA. I have to clear up past marriages before I can. Last week I felt so lost in my life that I decided I wanted & needed to go back to church & begin getting right God. My husband said he wanted to go back too.
When we went to Mass last Sunday, we noticed that there were some changes in Mass & our church now had helpful guides in all the pews to help with the responses. What a shock to my husband who had been priding himself in being able to teach me all about the Order of the Mass. He was so mad, he was grumbling the entire time. I didn't mind since everything is still fairly new to me. When we got home, he was cursing the USCCB for "making changes that they weren't allowed to make". It was awful but I ignored him as best as I could.
This evening we went to the Teen Life Mass and again he was huffing & puffing, saying forget it anytime he messed up on the new responses, complained that the band was not allowing anyone to participate in Mass because he didn't know what they were singing, * that we were putting the priest on a pedastal because of he new response of "and with your spirit". It was awful for me. I didn't know what to do other than come to the determination that I just could not go to Mass with him anymore. So, when we got home I told him that I was bothered by the way he was acting in church this evening.
I told him that I wasn't going to Mass with him, I was going to go a different time than he was. He was furious & said that we are supposed to go to Mass as a family & that he would "act better next week & just keep him mouth shut". I asked him why was he going to church & if I was the reason he was going. He said no.
Is it wrong for us to go to Mass seperately? I just really feel so distracted when I go with him.

**adrift** · #2 Jun 10, '12, 6:53 pm

I understand why but I think that the two of you need to continue on this journey together. It must be quite a shock to him especially since you missed out on all the explanations of why. Actually most of the changes are more faithful to the Latin. Be patient with him. You will be glad that you did,

Aggies08 · #3 Jun 10, '12, 7:28 pm

Many went through what your husband is when the changes first were instituted; many still are. There are many good articles on the nuts and bolts of how and why these changes were instituted for him to read.

It seems to me a type of grief- what you knew is gone, something you thought would never change has done so, and it takes some getting used to. Give him some time and space.

There is nothing wrong with going to different masses if you want- many with small children do this at times- but it may be more helpful for him if you go with and stand by his side. Your call

**1ke** · #4 Jun 10, '12, 7:34 pm

I think what would be better would be for you to get some resources to help your husband understand the new translation of the Mass, first and foremost that it is NOT the USCCB who made the changes, secondly that the Vatican approved the new translation, and thirdly to help him understand the actual theology behind it (such as his erroneous idea regarding "and with your spirit").

Going to separate masses while he acts like a baby isn't going to solve things.

I suggest: A Guide To The New Translation of the Mass by Edward Sri

For a more in depth study: A Biblical Walk Through the Mass, by Edward Sri

Both available from Ascension Press

Linda Marie · #5 Jun 10, '12, 7:42 pm

When we got home, he was cursing the USCCB for "making changes that they weren't allowed to make". It was awful but I ignored him as best as I could.

This change did not come from the USCCB. It is from the Vatican and has been in the works for many years. It is effective for all English-speaking world, not just the US. The USCCB was given the task of implementing it in the United States, just as the ACBC was given the task to implement it in Australia.

And with your Spirit: The New English Translation of the Roman Missal

Quote:

In 1963 Vatican II affirmed that Latin was the official language of the Roman liturgy. At the same time it allowed the use of the vernacular. Because of the delicacy and difficulty of producing vernacular worship for the Roman Catholic Church, Pope Paul VI (d. 1978) convened a series of meetings in Rome around the complex issue of translation. Those meetings eventually produced translation guidelines in 1969.
<...>
In 2000 Pope John Paul II (d. 2005) authorized the publication of a new Missal. In 2001 Rome published new translation guidelines that replaced and largely reversed the 1969 guidelines. This could be considered a shift from "dynamic equivalency" to "formal equivalency." A new Latin Missal appeared in 2002 and the translation process restarted. The completed retranslation of the Missal was approved by U.S. Bishops (November, 2009) and approved by Rome (March, 2010).

I might add, that it was not just the US Bishops who had to approve this, but bishops from all English-speaking countries.

Here is some more history of why they felt the translation need revision.
New improved English translation of the Roman Missal nears completion

Among other problems with the post VII English translation(s) were that there were some slight differences in the prayers and responses in different English speaking countries.

The response of "and with your spirit" which seems to offend him, is a more accurate translation of the original latin from which all the vernacular texts are translated. The latin response is "et cum spiritu tuo" not "etiam tecum".

Pray for your husband and keep going to Mass with him. It might be helpful if he were to attend RCIA with you, perhaps to address some of the questions he has.

bonvivantHermit · #6 Jun 10, '12, 7:47 pm

Ugh. Sounds like he's just mad because he doesn't know his lines anymore- is he a perfectionist? Doesn't seem like a doctrinal issue, more ego.

Julia Mae · #7 Jun 10, '12, 8:01 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by buckle126

Is it wrong for us to go to Mass seperately? I just really feel so distracted when I go with him.

Stick with him, he needs you. This is very much, I think, part of your journey together. You learn love in action, patience and forebearance. You lead him Home, and he helps you.

Do you know how rare it is to have a husband who wants to be with his family at Mass?

Start being Catholic now: stand by your husband. (And give him the info from this thread. In charity and love.)

Trust me, you will have years of daily Masses and Adoration and all kinds of quiet personal time in Church. When you do this for him, willingly and lovingly, you serve the Lord.

McGuTim · #8 Jun 10, '12, 8:24 pm

Ditto on the comment about having him attend RCIA with you. My wife is a cradle Catholic, and it took close to three years for me to go through the process.

She was not happy about the Mass we attended during that period because she had to "kill" two hours while I was in the RCIA class, and she sure didn't want to hear it when I tried to explain the changes in the Mass.

She grumbled and huffed, but she cried at the Easter Vigil when I received the sacraments of initiation. Now, she asks me what color we should wear to Mass and what the theme of the readings is every Sunday morning.

Have patience. Respect his reluctance to change, and show him the love I know you have for him. The day the two of you can receive Communion together will make it worthwhile.

buckle126 · #9 Jun 11, '12, 1:23 pm

Thank you all for the great advice. I let him read this entire thread & he hadn't really commented on it.
He's not really a perfectionist, more pessimist than anything & he does NOT like change at all.
We are going to go to Mass together & I would like him to talk to our priest on learning how to pray. He said that he really doesn't know how, Mass is where he prays. So him not understanding everything made him feel left out. He asked me how did I feel about the changes & I had to remind him that this is all still fairly new to me so I didn't mind it.

I think it is going to be a long journey but I'm willing to try. Thanks again everyone.

TheRealJuliane · #10 Jun 11, '12, 1:39 pm

There are some good videos about the changes on Youtube.

Here's one

New Missal/Mass

papaececi · #11 Jun 12, '12, 7:28 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by bonvivantHermit

Ugh. Sounds like he's just mad because he doesn't know his lines anymore- is he a perfectionist? Doesn't seem like a doctrinal issue, more ego.

I agree with this. I would be annoyed if I were in your shoes, but seeing as your husband's ego is a bit bruised, I would try again and see how things go after he gets used to the new responses.

Catholic1954 · #12 Jun 13, '12, 12:06 pm

Hopefully, you got his attention and he will stop his little temper tantrum and go with you next time to participate in the Mass and not show off for his wife. If you do return to RCIA, he should go with you, in spite of his Catholic education, he does not know as much as he thinks he knows about the Church. You would be on you faith journey together. Awesome.

epan · #13 Jun 13, '12, 1:15 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by buckle126

My husband & I have been together for almost 5 years, married for 2. When we first met, he wasn't going to Mass at all. I was going to church (Methodist) sometimes. I had mentioned to my husband that after we were married, that I wanted to convert to Catholic & go to Mass with him, he's a cradle Catholic who even went to all Catholic schools. The following Sunday, we began going to Mass. I enrolled in RCIA & began my journey. My husband & I had fell away from the Church for about a year & I didn't finish RCIA. I have to clear up past marriages before I can. Last week I felt so lost in my life that I decided I wanted & needed to go back to church & begin getting right God. My husband said he wanted to go back too.
When we went to Mass last Sunday, we noticed that there were some changes in Mass & our church now had helpful guides in all the pews to help with the responses. What a shock to my husband who had been priding himself in being able to teach me all about the Order of the Mass. He was so mad, he was grumbling the entire time. I didn't mind since everything is still fairly new to me. When we got home, he was cursing the USCCB for "making changes that they weren't allowed to make". It was awful but I ignored him as best as I could.
This evening we went to the Teen Life Mass and again he was huffing & puffing, saying forget it anytime he messed up on the new responses, complained that the band was not allowing anyone to participate in Mass because he didn't know what they were singing, * that we were putting the priest on a pedastal because of he new response of "and with your spirit". It was awful for me. I didn't know what to do other than come to the determination that I just could not go to Mass with him anymore. So, when we got home I told him that I was bothered by the way he was acting in church this evening.
I told him that I wasn't going to Mass with him, I was going to go a different time than he was. He was furious & said that we are supposed to go to Mass as a family & that he would "act better next week & just keep him mouth shut". I asked him why was he going to church & if I was the reason he was going. He said no.
Is it wrong for us to go to Mass seperately? I just really feel so distracted when I go with him.

I see it as a positive sign that you told him your feelings about his behavior, and also his response to be willing to modify his behavior next time. That is great that you too are communicating on this, and coming up with a solution.

I think it might be good to go to mass with him, and see how he does, If there is improvement, then keep on going together.