Protestant vs Catholic Jokes # 5 - Page 55

donsnow · #**811** Jun 15, '12, 11:44 am

Nothing makes your clothes go out of fashion quicker than getting a raise.

TarkanAttila · #**812** Jun 15, '12, 2:21 pm

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

Luigi Daniele · #**813** Jun 15, '12, 2:27 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarkanAttila

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

LOL. Great

nickybr38 · #**814** Jun 15, '12, 2:42 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by TarkanAttila

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries

I'd hire him! LOL!

donsnow · #**815** Jun 15, '12, 4:13 pm

LOL!!!

donsnow · #**816** Jun 16, '12, 9:15 am

Original Solar Heating

The married couple were checking in to the motel, and noticed that the pool was open. It was a chilly day and the husband asked if the pool were heated.

The clerk answered, "Until dusk."

The husband complained, "But the pool is open until eleven PM."

The clerk informs him, "The sun sets at 8:00PM."

donsnow · #**817** Jun 17, '12, 12:06 pm

Q. What did the bald headed man say, when he was given a comb for his Father's Day gift?

A. "I'll never part with it."

**GEddie** · #**818** Jun 17, '12, 2:46 pm

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You jerk! It's 3:15 in the morning!"

Joe Kelley · #**819** Jun 17, '12, 4:16 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by donsnow

Original Solar Heating

The married couple were checking in to the motel, and noticed that the pool was open. It was a chilly day and the husband asked if the pool were heated.

The clerk answered, "Until dusk."

The husband complained, "But the pool is open until eleven PM."

The clerk informs him, "The sun sets at 8:00PM."

We had the real life equivalent in Europe once.

It was the first week in June and quite cool. My wife asked if the place we stopped had heat and was assured that they did.

It was freezing in the room. She asked them about the heat. They informed her that they do have heat, but they turn it off on May 31.

donsnow · #**820** Jun 18, '12, 10:03 am

As the couple waited in line, for a long time, at the ticket counter of the airport, the wife became tired and looked for a place to sit. There were no chairs nearby, but there was a gap in the counter near by. So, she sat there.

She noticed people looking at her and smiling and became uncomfortable. She began to squirm and noticed more people smiling at each other after looking at her. Finally, she looked up and saw an electric sign above her that displayed her weight each time she wiggled.

Swiss Guy · #**821** Jun 19, '12, 3:38 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by donsnow

Q. What did the bald headed man say, when he was given a comb for his Father's Day gift?

A. "I'll never part with it."

TarkanAttila · #**822** Jun 19, '12, 9:09 pm

I made this one up.

Quote:

How do people eat their eggs in the morning?

The capitalist says, "By my own money."
The communist says, "Because the state has given them to me."
The rationalist says, "One by one from a carton, which I bought from a store, which they bought from a farm, which gets its eggs from chickens."
The fideist says, "I don't know, but it's enough that by the grace of God, I eat them."
The pantheist says, "I and the eggs are God; I do not eat them; they are not consumed by me."
The atheist says, "By the random yet fortunate evolution of the chicken."
The Christian says, "By the planned and fortunate evolution of the chicken."
The Creationist says, "By God's hand which made chickens to lay eggs right from the start!"
The Professor says, "By whatever way I tell you - and you'd better remember it! Tests are next Tuesday!"
The Politician says, "Eggs are a very excellent food, one for wish I am grateful for every day of my life. And I am sure you are, too. Now, I am currently in the process of determing by what means the egg came into being - the chicken by the egg, or the egg by the chicken, as it were. Until our studies have reached decisive conclusions, I am afraid I am of no opinion at this time."
The Circus Clown says, "In the air, so we can say the Egg Flew Young."
The poet says, "For frying and boiling they're good,
Or cooking on hickory wood,
But some people poach
An egg with a roach,
Those kinds I've ne'er quite understood."
The child says, "scrambled, with bacon and toast."

So? Rotten egg, or sunny-side up?

donsnow · #**823** Jun 20, '12, 3:33 am

The couple had been dating for several years and she kept waiting for him to pop the question. One day, he took her shopping and let her pick some expensive clothing. As they left the store, he put his arm around her and she heard him whisper in her ear, "Now I'm going to take you where they have good diamond rings."

Thrilled, she went with him. Then, they went into a fast food restruant and she realized he had actually said, "...where they have good onion rings."

donsnow · #**824** Jun 21, '12, 6:26 am

The husband discovered the impact their infant son had on his wife, when she said, "I'm going to make some phone calls, cry if you need anything."

Nimeniton · #**825** Jun 21, '12, 5:39 pm

Funny hamster story with witnesses.

http://www.breakingnews.ie/world/biz...ve-547440.html