Unsupportive Husband?

Aggies08 · #1 May 26, '12, 6:47 pm

I feel very strongly called to wear a veil. When I have discussed this with my DH, he feels VERY strongly that my wearing a veil implies he is one of "those" men who subjugate their wives, and that sort of stereotype. He's worried about how it will/could affect how others see him or think of him.

For the time being, I am allowing him to have the final say in this, although I bring it up again now and again.

Does anyone have any advice aside from praying about this issue? I'm doing that!

Vahdez · #2 May 27, '12, 1:59 pm

My husband and I just married in January. We've truly been learning to communicate as husband and wife better, especially about our faith.
I would suggest making sure that your dh understands why you are called to do it. Do some research together about it's significance and explain your own reasons to him.

In the end it's the same thing as choosing which outfit you will wear or what medal to wear around your neck. Would he prevent you from doing that?

Another suggestion is to start in a very subtle way. Start by wearing a hat or scarf, that way it's not such a shock

Good luck and God Bless!

lizaanne · #3 May 28, '12, 6:07 am

I think the question you need to ask your husband is, what sort of husband DOES he want to be seen as? The incredible irony of your post, is that he is, by telling you that he is afraid of how it will make HIM look, is being one of THOSE husbands who subjugate their wives according to their own will. And, I might add, being incredibly selfish in the process. I notice that he does not say that he really has any problem with you covering your head, only about how it will make HIM look to others. That is something he really needs to think about.

I think this comes down to communication, and being young in marriage. Communication is the key here, for both of you. Not just him saying "this is what I want", and you saying "this is what I want" --- but both of you talking about why your positions are important to each of you, and understanding each other's motivation for those positions. Starting your conversations with "this is important to me because...." and then making your case, will help get the conversation going.

It will all work out in the end. Invite him to this group if you think it will be helpful - he can read about the motivation of other women, and how their husbands are supportive, and yet not misogynistic beasts. He really has nothing to fear by you covering, but he needs to work through his own insecurity about this himself.

~Liza

catholicanne · #4 May 31, '12, 5:02 pm

Yup, I agree with you, Liza.

Aggies, if you feel the call to veil then do so. You don't need your husband's permission to develop your spiritual life. He is not going to be the one wearing the veil, you are. He should be more concerned about allowing you the space and freedom to express your spirituality than what the neighbors will think about him.

Goodness gracious, if I didn't do the things my husband thought I was crazy for doing then I wouldn't have experienced half the things I have. lol

Aggies08 · #5 May 31, '12, 6:47 pm

I realize I don't need his permission, but I pick my battles, you know? LOL And I do want to be sensitive to how he feels. He is a wonderful husband, GREAT with our kids- even the babies! Does housework, yardwork, and is wanting to pick up a second job, even, to help us pay off the mortgage faster. This is one of the few areas we don't see eye to eye on.

Quote:

I think the question you need to ask your husband is, what sort of husband DOES he want to be seen as? The incredible irony of your post, is that he is, by telling you that he is afraid of how it will make HIM look, is being one of THOSE husbands who subjugate their wives according to their own will. And, I might add, being incredibly selfish in the process. I notice that he does not say that he really has any problem with you covering your head, only about how it will make HIM look to others. That is something he really needs to think about.

I've thought that, too. I think you are right, and I need to bring it up, I'm just.. not always the most delicate person! I need to figure out the right words to use.

Perhaps I should just wear one. I think that may be the best course- he isn't belligerent or anything like that! I just know *the idea* bothers him.

Thank you; you've given me some things to mull over and prompted me to make some decisions about how I need to proceed!

lizaanne · #6 Jun 2, '12, 4:46 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aggies08

Thank you; you've given me some things to mull over and prompted me to make some decisions about how I need to proceed!

~Liza

odile53 · #7 Jun 24, '12, 1:03 pm

I've seen a few of the sort of husbands he is talking about when he refers to THOSE husbands, and I can't really blame him for not wanting to be mistaken for that crowd. It's a little sad that he is associating it with your wearing a veil.

I have a couple of thoughts, though:

The word "veil" itself is associated sometimes negatively with a subordinate view of women. You might want to find another word. How about "something on my head in the presence of the Blessed Sacrament" for starters? That will give him the idea that you feel called to do this for the Lord, not for any cultural reason.

Do you happen to own a head covering of some sort already? If not, I'd go to WalMart and pick up a yard of inexpensive lace and cut it into a triangle, and put it on as if you're trying to gauge where to wear it on your hair. This got my Lutheran husband, who does not attend Mass with me, on board with the idea.

I had my hair in an updo (coiled Balanchine style bun,) and had tried on a mantilla at home to gauge where I was going to fasten it once I got to church. He happened by as I was doing this, and gasped. I looked at him, a little surprised, and he said, "You look breathtakingly elegant!"

Since we're both pushing sixty, that's one of the nicest things I heard from him in a long time. I haven't had any negative comments from him about veiling in church, or wearing a hat, since.

You know, and I know, the real reason we're doing this. But it can't hurt to get the guys on board.

Remember, when Queen Esther went in to the king to beg him to save her people, she didn't go in dressed like a frump. She put on all her finery to merely go into his court to invite him to dinner. She could have sent a servant girl to do that. But no, she went in, dressed to the nines, with such a simple request. Now there's a lady who used her feminine wiles in a good way!

And the king's response, when he looked at her? He held out his scepter, and told her he would grant her wish, even if it was half his kingdom!

I think God gave us the gift of feminine beauty for a reason--to influence our men to do the right thing and have the right attitudes so that we can build up our families, and hence, God's Church. Manipulative? Maybe. But don't most of us spend a good part of our lives trying to influence other people in some way? What's wrong with using what we have to influence our husbands to a beneficial way of thinking?

Just my two cents' worth on the matter.

MTurner · #8 Jul 17, '12, 6:04 pm

A little slow on the response here, but just had a few thoughts.

As someone who initially thought veiling was awful (the cliche things- subordinating women to men, inequality, and the like) but who now veils, a key to acceptance of the practice is really, fully understanding it. I do understand where he is coming from, because I used to think that of "those" husbands. Now, I see the practice for what it truly is and how beautiful it is. I think if you help him to really grasp the meaning behind the practice, he's more likely to support you.

Here are some helpful links for understanding the concept of veiling (and not just for women, but veiling in a larger sense in the Catholic tradition) that really made a difference to me:

http://causafinitaest.blogspot.com/2...n-liturgy.html

http://www.traditioninaction.org/rel..._2_Goodman.htm
(The second is quite long but so worth it.)

And continue to pray for him. I will pray for you both.

God bless!

Crafty Catholic · #9 Jul 23, '12, 2:31 am

I think it is great that you are respectful of your husband. Pray that if it is God's will he will soften his heart. Until then, you can wear something less noticeable like a hat or headband.

Pix · #10 Jul 25, '12, 6:35 pm

Hello, Aggies.
First of all, I know this thread started a few months ago and was wondering how thing are going?
Secondly, I was in your place last year before I started wearing a veil to church. I had brought home a few pamphlets from church and read them and talked to my husband about it. He is not Catholic and also didn't want to be seen as on of THOSE husbands. I explained to him the Biblical principle of it from 1 Corinthians 11 and that I needed to have that reminder of who is first. God and my husband. I am also a military spouse and actually began covering while he was deployed.

Eventually he agreed as long as I didn't "look like a grandma" with the veil on. I have veiled ever since.

If this is your calling, God will make it happen. Stay faithful and don't push it.

Love Always!