After how many dates are you "in a relationship" - Page 2

EasterJoy · #16 Jun 21, '12, 1:06 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by twoangels

...I do believe communication is essential, but the point is that if you're thinking of "I'll be with this person 3 months from now" you're thinking with too much commitment. Its not a marriage. It is a period of discerning. The door to leave should always be wide open. Its just my opinion that leaving should be clear. It can mean that you resume dating when the person returns from overseas. My husband proposed to me a few days after he returned to the States.

Yes. The lady let on that she'll be gone for awhile, but she is coming back. Lighten up and see what happens. If one of you meets someone else over "the break", well, that happens. If the period passes, she comes back, and you want to keep going, well, that is fine, too.

There is a famous chapel in Santa Fe, Our Lady of Loretto, which has a "miraculous staircase." The builder the sisters had for their chapel had taken off and they only had a ladder as a means to get to the choir loft. They prayed for a solution to this problem. A mysterious stranger, believed by the sisters to be an emisary of St. Joseph, showed up and built the staircase, then left. It took at least six months to build, and has two 360 degree turns with no visible means of support.

The miraculous staircase also originally had no handrails!! I was struck that this is so often how Providence provides: there is a way, even an extraordinarily beautiful way, but not a way that takes no courage to follow.

Save the labels for later, OP. Let Providence run things for awhile, and give up the desire for a stairway with handrails.

Tradycja · #17 Jun 21, '12, 3:34 pm

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I think EasterJoy gave the best advice. She is after all going for school/work reasons and I am starting a new job during that time as well, so I don't think that will be so much of a problem. I will keep everyone else's advice in mind as well and keep a healthy skepticism so I don't get my hopes too far up.

I think I am taking a very Latin/scholastic approach to the whole thing...I want answers, lol. I need to take more of an Eastern approach---> "It's a mystery".

hannajomar · #18 Jun 21, '12, 6:22 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by WetCatechumen

You're in a relationship when you two mutually decide that you are.

This. There are no rules about dating anymore. If you two have not had a conversation where one person says in essence, "I don't want to date anyone else, just you," and the other person agrees, then both of you are free to see other people. Gone are the days when a guy could just give the girl his letterman sweater, and the whole world knew they were "steady."

Iheartcoffee · #19 Jun 22, '12, 6:15 pm

Take it slow-especially since she is going overseas. If you both are meant to be together forever, then you will be doing yourselves a favor by becoming really good friends before it gets serious. If you aren't meant to be together forever, then you are much less likely to get your heart broken by taking this slowly.

scree · #20 Jun 22, '12, 10:24 pm

Quote:

After how many dates are you "in a relationship"?

6 to 11. Here is the scale:

0 dates - You are talking to CM Girl
1 date - You have gone out a date with CM Girl
2 - 3 dates - You are dating CM Girl
4 - 5 dates - You are seeing CM Girl
6 - 11 dates - You are in a relationship with CM Girl
12 - 38 dates - You are CM Girl's boyfriend

Seriously, though, just play it by ear. There's no hard and fast rule of how long before you are exclusive or in a relationship. If you feel like she really likes you, then have the DTR talk (define the relationship). But if you still sense some hesitancy on her part, then go a little bit slower, or otherwise you might scare her off. You can probably guess her feelings better than anybody else here.

WetCatechumen · #21 Jun 24, '12, 6:37 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by scree

6 to 11. Here is the scale:

0 dates - You are talking to CM Girl
1 date - You have gone out a date with CM Girl
2 - 3 dates - You are dating CM Girl
4 - 5 dates - You are seeing CM Girl
6 - 11 dates - You are in a relationship with CM Girl
12 - 38 dates - You are CM Girl's boyfriend

Seriously, though, just play it by ear. There's no hard and fast rule of how long before you are exclusive or in a relationship. If you feel like she really likes you, then have the DTR talk (define the relationship). But if you still sense some hesitancy on her part, then go a little bit slower, or otherwise you might scare her off. You can probably guess her feelings better than anybody else here.

No, there is a hard and fast rule to when you're in a relationship. When BOTH parties agree that they are in an exclusive relationship with each other, they are.

Otherwise they're not.

scree · #22 Jun 24, '12, 9:32 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by WetCatechumen

No, there is a hard and fast rule to when you're in a relationship. When BOTH parties agree that they are in an exclusive relationship with each other, they are.

Otherwise they're not.

Hmm... I never had that conversation with my latest girlfriend (who became my wife 3 months ago). I guess I'd better have a talk with her and see if we are in a relationship. Especially since there's apparently a hard and fast rule about these things.

WetCatechumen · #23 Jul 14, '12, 1:04 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by scree

Hmm... I never had that conversation with my latest girlfriend (who became my wife 3 months ago). I guess I'd better have a talk with her and see if we are in a relationship. Especially since there's apparently a hard and fast rule about these things.

So if she started seeing other guys too, claiming you never made it explicit that you were supposed to be exclusive, what then?

Maybe you guys never had to define it before you got engaged, but the fact is that you are not boyfriend/girlfriend until you both agree to it, and before that there is no right to exclusivity that either partner can claim.

chevalier · #24 Jul 14, '12, 1:03 pm

Yeah, you're in a relationship when you both agree that you are, although that doesn't necessarily need to be verbal or contain any specific words, which is what adds to the confusion. Basically, some people think it's free game unless you make an explicit contract. The thing is even contracts you can make without opening your mouth.

Anyway, if you act like a couple, then you are a couple. But if you just go out to places (coffee, park, cinema, whatever), don't profess your feelings, don't engage in any couples behaviour (holding hands, kissing on the lips, other things that friends in the western civilisation generally don't do when they are really just friends), then for all you know she might as well have a boyfriend.

You may get conflicting advice. The one part is "take it slowly". Yeah, savour life, don't do anything stupid, don't rush the girl etc. The other part is that you can get friend-zoned if you don't make a move quickly enough. I suspect in the case of some women you can get friend zoned if you don't kiss her on the first date even, or some similar expectations of a a fast move that if you don't make, then you're as good as a cold fish. This said, every woman is different, just like every man is. So do what you believe to be right, just don't be stupid. Try to get some more information on her perhaps? If you're confident "it's she", then go for it. But I don't know what you're looking for. If you're looking for a good catch it's different from looking to fall in love (as in if you think you need to be in love, you'd better make sure you are before you commit). People take relationships in various different ways.