No more love - Page 2

maltmom · #16 Jun 29, '12, 3:28 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Thank you for your words. My head is spinning so much that my own mind is playing tricks on me, I asked my wife if there was another man and she said no, I asked if there was another man that she was waiting for and still the same answer no. I feel as if she's leaving out alot of information but she says that I'm only trying to get a certain answer to make me feel better about myself. Before this I could never think of her being with anyone else but now any free time and my mind starts creating scenarios and I wonder what if right now there's another man laying next to her. I'm probably shouldn't check her facebook but that's the only way I get to see her, and when I log into her account I see her posts and pictures showing her having fun with other people which destroys me. I know I'm killing myself with these thoughts, I just don't know how to handle something as life changing as this. I know I need to look to God to help me get though this, but I feel so many dark thoughts in place where there should be only good.

She probably is leaving out a lot of information both about the past and the future. Has there been or is there another man? Who knows. She may or may not be telling you the truth. You may never know 100% of the truth. Most of what she's done could be inappropriate flirting. She's approaching 30 and may be having strange ideas that she's getting old. She had a baby very young. She may feel like she hasn't had enough time to go out and play and this is her last chance.

Please, please don't log into her account. Just viewing her page if you are still FB friends is difficult enough. I'm surprised she hasn't changed her password. As you can tell, you aren't doing yourself any favors by looking at it. It's like driving past an ex's house to see what they are doing. It will drive you crazy. She knows that you can still log onto her page. She can play so many mind games with you b/c of it. Don't let her.

brokenheart83 · #17 Jun 30, '12, 12:13 am

ViI

Quote:

Originally Posted by maltmom

She probably is leaving out a lot of information both about the past and the future. Has there been or is there another man? Who knows. She may or may not be telling you the truth. You may never know 100% of the truth. Most of what she's done could be inappropriate flirting. She's approaching 30 and may be having strange ideas that she's getting old. She had a baby very young. She may feel like she hasn't had enough time to go out and play and this is her last chance.

Please, please don't log into her account. Just viewing her page if you are still FB friends is difficult enough. I'm surprised she hasn't changed her password. As you can tell, you aren't doing yourself any favors by looking at it. It's like driving past an ex's house to see what they are doing. It will drive you crazy. She knows that you can still log onto her page. She can play so many mind games with you b/c of it. Don't let her.

Let me ask you this, if she does return how do I handle that without resentment towards her for leaving me. I can understand what you say about her having a child young and getting ready to turn 30, she didn't get to live it up with the rest of her friends. Am I supposed to understand this because she's having a midlife crisis? She's a grown woman with responsibility's, and from what I've seen from logging into her Facebook account is that she's going out and playing miniature golf with friends, and taking them out to eat and that hurts me because that should be me with her at her side, and that should be me having dinner with her, when I lay my head to sleep she should be at my side instead of her friends home. It hurts that she's laughing while I'm sitting at home in an empty house and crying and I bet she's not thinking twice about my well being. I just don't know how she went from loving me one day then cold and heartless the next.

rebeccanew · #18 Jun 30, '12, 5:08 am

I will pray for you and your family at Eucharist adoration this morning. I will say that I have learned over the years that unless God is the focus of your marriage small things become big issues. My daughter was amazed at the difference in her marriage after getting their marriage blessed in our church. Don't give up, miracles do happen in everyday events.

Contra Mundum · #19 Jun 30, '12, 5:43 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

ViI

Let me ask you this, if she does return how do I handle that without resentment towards her for leaving me.

Do you want her back? This is something you should think about. If you do then I am confident that if you were to reconcile you would find a way to forgive her. It would take time but time heals.
Is there anyone you can discuss this with and get support? Just so you don't spend all day obsessing about it, all alone.

TheRealJuliane · #20 Jun 30, '12, 6:02 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

ViI

Let me ask you this, if she does return how do I handle that without resentment towards her for leaving me. I can understand what you say about her having a child young and getting ready to turn 30, she didn't get to live it up with the rest of her friends. Am I supposed to understand this because she's having a midlife crisis? She's a grown woman with responsibility's, and from what I've seen from logging into her Facebook account is that she's going out and playing miniature golf with friends, and taking them out to eat and that hurts me because that should be me with her at her side, and that should be me having dinner with her, when I lay my head to sleep she should be at my side instead of her friends home. It hurts that she's laughing while I'm sitting at home in an empty house and crying and I bet she's not thinking twice about my well being. I just don't know how she went from loving me one day then cold and heartless the next.

I have read the entire thread, and my heart goes out to you. Since you are dealing with an atheist (but she says she believes in God, which makes her NOT an atheist!) you might have a harder time getting her to talk to a priest or go to counseling. I would advise that you go anyway. Talking to a counselor will help you sort things out in your mind and will give you a place where someone will listen to your thoughts and emotions. Call Catholic Charities in your area - they work on a sliding income scale and their counselors are Catholic so you know they are not going to tell you something like, "Let her go, she's not into you," or whatever. They will urge you to try to save your marriage however you can.

I decided to see a counselor myself after my husband and I had to stop seeing a counselor because of his travel schedule. I was so frustrated at that point and really wanted someone to help me blame him for everything that had gone wrong, but the counseling took a completely different direction and we've talked more about ME and what I can do in my own life and how I can see things in a different way. It wasn't what I expected but I have gained several very important insights over the last year or so and I am glad that I decided to do it. I have never discussed it with my husband, but I am not hiding it necessarily. The counselor has been a great source of support but not for my self-pity or negative emotions.

You can't control what your wife does. She may decide that no matter what you do, she wants a divorce. But you can control how you react to her and how you treat her. Michelle Weiner-Davis from DivorceBusting.com is a psychologist who believes in saving marriages, and her program really works. It's secular but designed to help save your marriage. You may be doing all the WRONG things right now, out of your ignorance and pain, and that is what she can help with. You can get a lot out of watching the videos on her website and her over the phone coaching isn't that expensive. She's located in Boulder CO in case you are close enough to go to her in person. I have her book and can recommend her techniques. http://www.divorcebusting.com Sitting around and crying, checking your wife's FB page, begging her to come back, will get you nowhere. You need to marshal all your strength and have a strategy. Men are usually really good at this since you are all warriors to some extent. It's harder for women to pull this off because we run on emotions a lot of the time, but both husbands and wives can save their marriages with help.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Lucky7 · #21 Jun 30, '12, 8:11 am

I just wanted to share huge hugs here. I am going through a very difficult time right now too. It's not exactly the same but I completely get your comments about dark thoughts, head spinning and no idea what to do. I feel as if I'm in a vicious circle. I thought about writing my own post, but I honestly don't know where to start and what to say.

I could use some prayers too if anyone's willing....thanks.

maltmom · #22 Jun 30, '12, 8:25 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

ViI

Let me ask you this, if she does return how do I handle that without resentment towards her for leaving me. I can understand what you say about her having a child young and getting ready to turn 30, she didn't get to live it up with the rest of her friends. Am I supposed to understand this because she's having a midlife crisis? She's a grown woman with responsibility's, and from what I've seen from logging into her Facebook account is that she's going out and playing miniature golf with friends, and taking them out to eat and that hurts me because that should be me with her at her side, and that should be me having dinner with her, when I lay my head to sleep she should be at my side instead of her friends home. It hurts that she's laughing while I'm sitting at home in an empty house and crying and I bet she's not thinking twice about my well being. I just don't know how she went from loving me one day then cold and heartless the next.

Only you can answer if you can handle it, forgive and move on. She is a grown woman with responsibilities. She's certainly not acting like one. I'm not saying she's having a midlife crisis. I wanted to give you options to think about as to why she's doing this. Midlife crisis or not if she truly loves you she wouldn't be putting you through this hell. You don't know how much I wish I had an easy answer for you on how this is going to end up. It can go either way. In the end though, if she wants to come back you have to decide if you will take her back. She didn't just go from loving you one day to cold and heartless the next. It may feel that way, but she didn't. She may have been going through the motions for quite a long time because she wasn't sure about what she wanted. Once she decided your feelings didn't matter anymore.

Here are two different outcomes:

I know a man (55 yrs old) who told his wife that he wanted to leave for a month or two because he needed to prove to himself that he could make it on his own. He'd always had a woman taking care of everything for him. 3 days after he left he was telling the world on facebook how much he loved the "other woman." He denied for 2 weeks before leaving and as he was moving out that there was another woman. They are divorced now.

My cousin decided after 25 years of marriage that she wanted a break to find herself. In her case there really wasn't another man in her life. A few months later she moved back in with her husband. They have been married over 50 years now.

Only time will tell in your case. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. My heart breaks for you.

EasterJoy · #23 Jun 30, '12, 8:35 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

ViI

Let me ask you this, if she does return how do I handle that without resentment towards her for leaving me. I can understand what you say about her having a child young and getting ready to turn 30, she didn't get to live it up with the rest of her friends. Am I supposed to understand this because she's having a midlife crisis? She's a grown woman with responsibility's, and from what I've seen from logging into her Facebook account is that she's going out and playing miniature golf with friends, and taking them out to eat and that hurts me because that should be me with her at her side, and that should be me having dinner with her, when I lay my head to sleep she should be at my side instead of her friends home. It hurts that she's laughing while I'm sitting at home in an empty house and crying and I bet she's not thinking twice about my well being. I just don't know how she went from loving me one day then cold and heartless the next.

First off, quit reading up on her on Facebook. Also, you have to kind of figure that people will use a vehicle like Facebook to paint the picture that they want others (and themselves) to believe.

How could she go from loving you one day to cold and heartless the next? Probably she didn't. She probably went from affectionate to disaffected by a gradual process that she hid from you, probably because she expected you to be a mind-reader, but unless you did something egregious that you were oblivious to--like say, "oh, well, that's a bummer, hope it goes well for you" while letting her fly off alone to her mother's funeral or something like that--the only other reason besides an affair that she'd turn you off in a day is that she has a crush on somebody or something she can't have, and she blames the pain of her frustrating sense of covetousness on you. But those are the ways self-inflicted heart-poisonings usually work: a) someone else fails a series of secret tests or b) someone else has continued to be what he is instead of what one has decided to covet.

If you are in the first case, then communication could turn things around. If you are in the second case, then she might wake up, but it might be far, far, too late. She could wake up, though (and you could realize the ways in which you needed to wake up that you don't realize now) and if you get through the gratitude and work required to do that, it could make your relationship better than ever. That does happen, believe it or not. I've seen it happen. It doesn't happen automatically, it takes work and help and grace, it is scary and sometimes exhausting beyond belief to go through, but it can happen, really it can. It isn't the straying that makes the relationship better, but the work that the rift forces on the couple in order for their relationship to survive, but relationships can be far better after a rift than before.

How do you keep from being too resentful to take her back? Take the cue of the father in the Prodigal Son. That requires prayer! Look for signs of her return, but do not try to drag her back by force. She has to "come to her senses" before her return will be achieved, and a change of heart is brought about by the force of grace, not by the force argument. (And no, people of lukewarm or non-existent religious leanings are not immune from that sort of grace.)

Also, do not expect that you ought to have to take her back without having her regain trust or without any guidance about how to handle your emotions about it. Get some professional help; you are in a place that requires a local pilot to get boats through who are strangers to the waters. Seek that guidance, don't feel you need to restrict that to one person, and avail yourself of the guidance you can find.

brokenheart83 · #24 Jun 30, '12, 10:43 am

Anyone who has offered any words of advice or help, Thank you! A lot of my postings have been under influence of emotions rather than a collected head, I know I love my wife and I am still in love with her. My question is should I make contact with her at all being that she told me she needed her space? We're going on week 2 of separation and had minimal contact, any type of conversation has been in form of text message on her part. I just would like to know how she is doing? I think of her everyday but should I just let her be and allow her to make the first move, I've also thought about sending her flowers to her job but have been told by my best friend, that it is a bad idea! I just don't want to push her away further.

TheRealJuliane · #25 Jun 30, '12, 11:00 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Anyone who has offered any words of advice or help, Thank you! A lot of my postings have been under influence of emotions rather than a collected head, I know I love my wife and I am still in love with her. My question is should I make contact with her at all being that she told me she needed her space? We're going on week 2 of separation and had minimal contact, any type of conversation has been in form of text message on her part. I just would like to know how she is doing? I think of her everyday but should I just let her be and allow her to make the first move, I've also thought about sending her flowers to her job but have been told by my best friend, that it is a bad idea! I just don't want to push her away further.

Be strong! Act as if you are strong even when you don't feel that way! Read the Divorce-Busting website. I think the minimal contact is a good thing. Don't crawl to her, women have no loyalty to crawlers! No flowers yet!

maltmom · #26 Jun 30, '12, 11:53 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Anyone who has offered any words of advice or help, Thank you! A lot of my postings have been under influence of emotions rather than a collected head, I know I love my wife and I am still in love with her. My question is should I make contact with her at all being that she told me she needed her space? We're going on week 2 of separation and had minimal contact, any type of conversation has been in form of text message on her part. I just would like to know how she is doing? I think of her everyday but should I just let her be and allow her to make the first move, I've also thought about sending her flowers to her job but have been told by my best friend, that it is a bad idea! I just don't want to push her away further.

You're welcome. There is nothing for you to be sorry about with us if that's what you mean. We are here to support you and help in any little way we can even if it's just for you to vent. She told you that she needed space. Let her have it. Let her make 1st contact. Even one text from you that is unsolicited would probably send her further away. Once your head starts to clear up a little you may realize that this time apart may be good for you as well. It will give you the opportunity to truly evaluate her actions and your actions.

Make a list of pros and cons of your marriage. Be brutally honest with yourself.

familyof4 · #27 Jun 30, '12, 12:06 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by PaulGH

Go with your wife to a Retrouvaille weekend.

Yes, this. ^^^

It is counter to what we learn from TV and movies, but love is a decision, not simply a feeling. A lot of marriages suffer right around the seven year mark (guess that is why they call it the seven year itch).

EasterJoy · #28 Jun 30, '12, 12:37 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Anyone who has offered any words of advice or help, Thank you! A lot of my postings have been under influence of emotions rather than a collected head, I know I love my wife and I am still in love with her. My question is should I make contact with her at all being that she told me she needed her space? We're going on week 2 of separation and had minimal contact, any type of conversation has been in form of text message on her part. I just would like to know how she is doing? I think of her everyday but should I just let her be and allow her to make the first move, I've also thought about sending her flowers to her job but have been told by my best friend, that it is a bad idea! I just don't want to push her away further.

I would really suggest you talk to a counsellor about the kind of contact and frequency of contact that is most likely to lead to the desired end. Were it me, I would not send her any electronic communications, as those could too easily lead to her being irritated with an imaginary you that she conjures up when you are not there.

I'd suggest you send her a handwritten note that is very short, capturing the thoughts you want to convey as simply as possible:

Sarah,

I love you, I miss you, I want you back at home with me. There is nothing I want more than to have you always as the love of my life. I hope you never doubt that. I hope you'll let me know any way in which I've failed or could do better in loving you. You must have your freedom, that I understand fully. I hope you'll freely come back to me, so we can fall in love together all over again.

Love, Bob

Send her a note like that, and you can give her a lot of space. As for wanting to know how she's doing, I'd find a mutual friend who can let you know if there is an opening. Communicate with that person directly, not by e-mail or texts.

brokenheart83 · #29 Jun 30, '12, 12:42 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by EasterJoy

I would really suggest you talk to a counsellor about the kind of contact and frequency of contact that is most likely to lead to the desired end. Were it me, I would not send her any electronic communications, as those could too easily lead to her being irritated with an imaginary you that she conjures up when you are not there.

I'd suggest you send her a handwritten note that is very short, capturing the thoughts you want to convey as simply as possible:

Sarah,

I love you, I miss you, I want you back at home with me. There is nothing I want more than to have you always as the love of my life. I hope you never doubt that. I hope you'll let me know any way in which I've failed or could do better in loving you. You must have your freedom, that I understand fully. I hope you'll freely come back to me, so we can fall in love together all over again.

Love, Bob

Send her a note like that, and you can give her a lot of space. As for wanting to know how she's doing, I'd find a mutual friend who can let you know if there is an opening. Communicate with that person directly, not by e-mail or texts.

Thanks for the advice! Truly a handwritten letter gives more meaning than a cold electronic message. As far as asking a mutual friend how she's doing, if that friend tells her about me wanting to know how she is, but couldn't she take that as me trying to keep tabs on her and backfire and push her away more?

EasterJoy · #30 Jun 30, '12, 2:23 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by brokenheart83

Thanks for the advice! Truly a handwritten letter gives more meaning than a cold electronic message. As far as asking a mutual friend how she's doing, if that friend tells her about me wanting to know how she is, but couldn't she take that as me trying to keep tabs on her and backfire and push her away more?

I'm thinking of a friend that truly is your friend as well as her friend. You do not have to ask outright: "How is she doing?" You can turn to the friend for support and say: "I know I have to give her space, but I can't help wonder how she is doing. I miss her. I don't want her to think I don't care." That's not keeping tabs on her.

I would really avoid keeping tabs on her. Do not welcome reports on what she's been doing. Rather, say the kind of things you'd say if she were there to overhear....you miss her, you hope she is OK, you hope you two can sew things up. It will give you a direct outlet.