Don't know if any of you fellow bi-polars are out there right now, but I'm feeling pretty lousy and I don't know what to do. For the last two weeks or so, I've been alternately "euphoric" and morose. I have hypomania, so I guess the signs are more subtle, but I can hear myself talking more, talking fast, talking louder, talking stupidly. The other day, I was in a store and it was like I had stepped out of my body and was listening to what this goofy person was saying. I just didn't think it could be me.
The other thing that I am doing now is taking on all these crazy projects. In my manic states, I usually find things to write (and write, and write) that no one wants to read. I make so many plans for things that I never get to do. The plans get really involved and convoluted and intricate and are never implemented. Usually, they revolve around craft projects that I think I can do (ďHey, I can sew the gown for the next royal wedding!Ē) that I canít do and wonít ever do. In the past they usually involved massive outlays of cash, when I actually had a job. Now, I am unemployed and have zero. Live off my husbandís fixed income. Gotta be careful. So most of my flights of fancy remain flights right now. I hope my husband is watching over my shoulder.
Went through a few days where I actually was getting a lot of housework done. Of course, I paid for it later because it aggravated my arthritis and my illness. Iím having a lot of trouble sleeping too. Iíve been going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning (my usual posting times!) sleep four or five hours and then get up to fill my time with more useless projects. Physically, I feel horrible. I have something called polymyalgia rheumatica, an auto-immune disorder, which is making me feel like I have already passed on. Iím tired, weak, in pain and mean. And now, there is some speculation that I may have another form of the disease called temporal arteritis. (Did I mention that it can make you go blind?) I just feel awful. And the drug that I take--prednisone--has put about a ton of weight on me. I have a huge goofy moon face with a fat neck. I look as bad as I feel.
I feel so lousy. I feel like Iím the albatross around my husbandís neck. He really doesnít deserve me. His life would have been a heck of a lot better without me. I donít work. We have just a few dollars a month. Weíve maxed out all the cards. Weíll have to sell the house soon. And we just had to say goodbye to one of our kitties because she was very very sick and we couldnít afford the intensive care that she would need. I know that thatís my fault. If I were working, we would have had the money. If I had been more in tune with what Isis was going through, she wouldnít be gone. I should have known she was sick a lot sooner. She would have had a chance. Oh, man. I think I may be in a mixed state but I'm not sure. Dunno. I do see my psych next week, but I feel cruddy now. Is anybody out there tonight? Have any of you guys been in a mixed state? How did you know?