Mixed State?
Don't know if any of you fellow bi-polars are out there right now, but I'm feeling pretty lousy and I don't know what to do. For the last two weeks or so, I've been alternately "euphoric" and morose. I have hypomania, so I guess the signs are more subtle, but I can hear myself talking more, talking fast, talking louder, talking stupidly. The other day, I was in a store and it was like I had stepped out of my body and was listening to what this goofy person was saying. I just didn't think it could be me.
The other thing that I am doing now is taking on all these crazy projects. In my manic states, I usually find things to write (and write, and write) that no one wants to read. I make so many plans for things that I never get to do. The plans get really involved and convoluted and intricate and are never implemented. Usually, they revolve around craft projects that I think I can do (“Hey, I can sew the gown for the next royal wedding!”) that I can’t do and won’t ever do. In the past they usually involved massive outlays of cash, when I actually had a job. Now, I am unemployed and have zero. Live off my husband’s fixed income. Gotta be careful. So most of my flights of fancy remain flights right now. I hope my husband is watching over my shoulder.
Went through a few days where I actually was getting a lot of housework done. Of course, I paid for it later because it aggravated my arthritis and my illness. I’m having a lot of trouble sleeping too. I’ve been going to bed at 2 or 3 in the morning (my usual posting times!) sleep four or five hours and then get up to fill my time with more useless projects. Physically, I feel horrible. I have something called polymyalgia rheumatica, an auto-immune disorder, which is making me feel like I have already passed on. I’m tired, weak, in pain and mean. And now, there is some speculation that I may have another form of the disease called temporal arteritis. (Did I mention that it can make you go blind?) I just feel awful. And the drug that I take--prednisone--has put about a ton of weight on me. I have a huge goofy moon face with a fat neck. I look as bad as I feel.
I feel so lousy. I feel like I’m the albatross around my husband’s neck. He really doesn’t deserve me. His life would have been a heck of a lot better without me. I don’t work. We have just a few dollars a month. We’ve maxed out all the cards. We’ll have to sell the house soon. And we just had to say goodbye to one of our kitties because she was very very sick and we couldn’t afford the intensive care that she would need. I know that that’s my fault. If I were working, we would have had the money. If I had been more in tune with what Isis was going through, she wouldn’t be gone. I should have known she was sick a lot sooner. She would have had a chance. Oh, man. I think I may be in a mixed state but I'm not sure. Dunno. I do see my psych next week, but I feel cruddy now. Is anybody out there tonight? Have any of you guys been in a mixed state? How did you know?
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Jul 11, '12, 9:27 pm
Add me if you want to learn more and we'll keep in touch. I know what you mean about stuff people don't read... feels like work done without credit!! But going to the chiropractor who specializes in endocrine function really got me thinking straighter and being a better influence all around. What has worked for you? A genuine and faithful boss has helped me to balance when I scoot into the mixed state... some of it is prayer and understanding I shouldn't and don't have to please everyone, personally... what sets you off and what gets you back on track?
Linear Mode
