Want to be childfree after miscarriage

CouponCath · #1 Jul 16, '12, 4:20 pm

Hi there.

I have been married for over two years, and I had a miscarriage two years ago. Before I was married, I was open to children, and ever since I lost the baby, I hate children. I can't stand being around them, I've skipped baby showers, etc. In my Catholic social circle, I have to act like a baby would be the greatest thing ever. If any one of my Catholic friends knew that I thought having a child is bad, they would hate me. I feel like I'm living a lie. Acting like a good Catholic housewife, it wears me out. I just need to vent.

Ever since the miscarriage, I've been in therapy, but it is not helping my feelings. DH wants children, but all I see is drudgery and I can't go through the loss again. I've had my mom, dad, best friend, my sister, and my child die in short period (within six months). I'm all done with loss. I would be happy being childfree. After losing the baby, it is like that part of life of being a mother is over. I know I'm selfish, but since I'm selfish, I would be a horrible mother. But yet, the lifetime of Catholicism makes me feel like I should just have babies. No matter if I want them or not. Even if the thought of a positive pregnancy test makes me sick. I'm sick of feeling like I'm defective. Why can't I be normal?

Everyone around me is so pro-baby.

Before anyone says anything, we are using NFP. I would prefer to be abstinent, but DH is against it.

waywardson · #2 Jul 16, '12, 4:28 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by CouponCath

Hi there.

I have been married for over two years, and I had a miscarriage two years ago. Before I was married, I was open to children, and ever since I lost the baby, I hate children. I can't stand being around them, I've skipped baby showers, etc. In my Catholic social circle, I have to act like a baby would be the greatest thing ever. If any one of my Catholic friends knew that I thought having a child is bad, they would hate me. I feel like I'm living a lie. Acting like a good Catholic housewife, it wears me out. I just need to vent.

Ever since the miscarriage, I've been in therapy, but it is not helping my feelings. DH wants children, but all I see is drudgery and I can't go through the loss again. I've had my mom, dad, best friend, my sister, and my child die in short period (within six months). I'm all done with loss. I would be happy being childfree. After losing the baby, it is like that part of life of being a mother is over. I know I'm selfish, but since I'm selfish, I would be a horrible mother. But yet, the lifetime of Catholicism makes me feel like I should just have babies. No matter if I want them or not. Even if the thought of a positive pregnancy test makes me sick. I'm sick of feeling like I'm defective. Why can't I be normal?

Everyone around me is so pro-baby.

Before anyone says anything, we are using NFP. I would prefer to be abstinent, but DH is against it.

You have experienced great loss and you are grieving. You ARE normal.

That you are in therapy is good. You may need a new therapist or you may need psychiatric (medical) help. You may need good spiritual counseling as well. But right now, you should not worry too much about not wanting a baby. Psychological reasons are just reasons and self-care is not selfishness.

You do need friends. You keep up appearances for acquaintances. You shouldn't have to keep up appearances for friends. Your grief is something you should discuss with your close friends.

Mary Gail 36 · #3 Jul 16, '12, 4:35 pm

I'm sorry that you've gone through a miscarriage. I've gone through it as well (twice) and it is very hard and emotionally draining. And lonely, no one really can relate to it the same way the mother can.

I'm not sure if it's helpful to state because you miscarried before doesn't mean it will happen again. Don't believe that you'll be a horrible mother. You will be capable of loving each child.

I'll pray for you. Try to get through this. Please continue to take care of your mental and physical health.

**Trishie** · #4 Jul 16, '12, 4:49 pm

Don't underestimate the effect of grief and loss even if you are required just to get on with life.
Shock, grief, and loss can put your feelings into a cold sad winter.
It's as if the leaves are gone, and there are no buds but don't be harsh on yourself.
Your feelings are in the winter of sadness and loss, but don't give up on yourself, just as you would not give up on the tree that lost its leaves in the Fall.
It will come to life again, budding leaves, then later, flowers and fruit.
We don't cut down the tree in winter just because it seems lifeless and bleak.
The spring will come, even if the signs of new life and hope come only little by little.
Go gently, and consciously appreciate all the little things in life.
Our love and prayers

grasscutter · #5 Jul 16, '12, 5:38 pm

Thank you for telling us about your experience. I hope that it is helpful to know that I will keep you in my prayers.

Z1Z2 · #6 Jul 16, '12, 5:41 pm

I don't have advice, just empathy. I had 4 miscarriages between my 2. I skipped a lot of baby showers for a lot of years, so I can relate to what you say.

3DOCTORS · #7 Jul 16, '12, 5:45 pm

Does your diocese have any type of ministry or retreats for this type of grief? I know some do. Perhaps something like that would be helpful place to begin or continue the healing process.

triumphguy · #8 Jul 16, '12, 5:50 pm

Grief takes a long time. You have suffered many losses.

I will pray for you.

Et Cetera · #9 Jul 16, '12, 8:10 pm

Everybody is different and children aren't for everyone, and if people are going to judge you for not wanting kids right now, then those people aren't worth your time. Maybe in the future you'll want kids and maybe you won't, but you have to do what's right for you. I am sorry for your losses.

ryecroft · #10 Jul 16, '12, 8:39 pm

I'm so sorry for what you've been through - I've had multiple pregnancies and none have produced a living child (this is for mostly medical reasons) - I've been in a spot where the idea of a postive pregnancy test freaked and sickend me out. But I have gotten to a point (granted later) where I really want to try again and have gotten as much medical advice and help as I possibly could to try again. 2-5 more months and we'll hopefully be able to TTC. But until that time that it's o.k. we've had to make sure I wouldn't get pregnant as it could be detrimental to my wellbeing.
I get it - even my husband has had some periods of time where he couldn't even consider trying another pregnancy.
Whatever you do, don't get pregnant now! Work on youself first - and don't do it because your husband wants it or it's the Catholic thing to do. You might wind up resenting your husband and feeling like "this is all his doing" or "I can't believe I let him talk me into this" - I"m beginning to think he needs to come to counseling too and let the counselor explain to him why you feel like you know you don't want any more pregnancies. Because no matter how empathetic a male can never know what it's truly like to be pregnant than find out you no longer are for whatever reason. You have an extremely grave and valid reason for putting off children. I would not think trying for a child would be in your best interest or your best health interest right now-you may never want to try again or you may (who knows how you'll feel 5 years from now). Your counselor needs to explain this to him if he's not listening or giving what you're telling him full weight and attention. It's great that he want's a child but he doesn't have to go through the carrying of the child, the changing of body the morning sickness the pain and the bloating - he won't be breast feeding - so honestly, I believe you have a bit more trump power here if he's still pushing you after you've explained how you feel to him.
I really hope you don't feel the way you do towards kids for the rest of your life. But there is no Catholic rule that says that every woman must find babies cute and there's no rule that says you have to want to have one.
May I ask one question and I'm sorry if it's too personal. Are you wanting to be celibate (or prefer to be) because you fear getting pregnant while using NFP, knowing you still could wind up pregnant or are you hurting physically or emotionally with intercourse? Or is it just a reminder of what happened? I'm sorry - maybe these are just some thoughts you should talk about with your therapist but I think they bear some thought possibly if you don't want to answer on here.
God Bless you and I hope and pray you're not hurting because of this very soon!
Rye

p.s. I don't believe you're really selfish at all

underacloud · #11 Jul 16, '12, 9:59 pm

You've had grief, on top of grief, on top of grief, etc. There's nothing abnormal in how you feel given all that you've recently experienced. I'm glad you are in counselling to help work through this and I hope it gradually helps.

It seems from the way you word a few things that you've somewhat isolated yourself in all this. Even suggesting that you'd prefer abstinence suggests a certain disconnect from your husband. I'm glad for the sake of your marriage that you persist with sex because that intimacy can be so important; even if right now it doesn't feel that way. Keep close to your husband, work through your grief, and don't put too much pressure on yourself either way. Right now you don't feel like you could be a mother, but don't make plans that rule out (or in, to be fair) motherhood down the track, when much of this grief is further behind you. Right now is not the time to make lifelong decisions; it's a time to heal yourself and not worry yet about what the future holds. You're in my prayers.

Lochias · #12 Jul 16, '12, 11:02 pm

I am so sorry for your losses, dear one, and I will be praying for you.

Like others have said...let go of tomorrow. Heal in the now. Keep hubby close..."sickness and health", remember? He's there for you. We're here for you. You have people you can talk to a simple click away, if you want to. We are all one body in Christ. You are one of us. We love you, care for you, and want you to feel better. It will happen.

CouponCath · #13 Jul 23, '12, 11:09 am

Thank you for your kind replies. I was expecting a very nasty response, per previous childfree threads (I lurked for a long time). I follow the church's rules, but I am sick of feeling like a freak. The reason I prefer abstinence is because it is the only method 100% effective at preventing pregnancy (I know the stats for NFP, but it still has that chance of pregnancy, I don't even want to use ABC because of the failure rate). I'm 25, so I have a long way to go. Try telling that to my husband.

The Bucket · #14 Jul 23, '12, 11:37 am

I can't imagine the difficult time you are having right now, but do note that Lochias has the right idea. Stay close to your husband and know that he's probably suffering from the loss as well. As a father myself who saw his son and wife nearly die several years ago, I can tell you it's a great trauma.

I can't tell you what the best way to deal with this grief is. No one can really tell you how to best move on but know that move on you must! That does not mean that your love for your lost child diminishes in any way.

As other posters noted, there's a disconnect you're suffering through when it comes to physical intimacy and that can't be good for your emotional or spiritual well being. I'm in no way saying it is wrong or sinful. I am saying it is inhibiting growth, progress and healing. You are taking appropriate steps and for that we all salute you. I hope you can let go more and more as time goes on and let God fill up that void and feel His grace as a healing salve that repairs any wounds that linger.

It is only in Him that you will find joy, happiness and healing. Him alone.

mamaslo · #15 Jul 24, '12, 8:57 am

It sounds like you just are not ready right now. That's a lot of loss to deal with and not be effected by it. At least you and your husband are still talking about it. I hope he understands that you are speaking from a broken heart.

Don't rush yourself. You need to heal. It may help to have your husband go to counselling sometimes with you so he can learn to understand what you are going through.

It just sounds like, to me, that you took all of it way harder than you may even give yourself credit for. Some of us react in ways like that...mine with family trouble...there are times when I hate marriage. But when i read about it and how the church sees it...it is beautiful. When I see how people behave, I hate it again.

So I am not sure if I make any sense to you but I wonder if it is just the pain you are carrying? Whats the rush anyway? It sounds to me, like you need more time to heal.