Empty

Norm640 · #1 Jul 30, '12, 8:59 pm

I am almost 37 and have OCD and depression stemming from that. And I've realized some things about me.

1)Loneliness is the way it is going to be for me. Even if I find someone, which I won't, loneliness is just how I feel all the time.
2)I will never be normal, I'll never be like I was when I was 19. Everything is different for me, and I have to accept this.
3)Accepting this makes me feel like a total failure in life. I feel empty and by myself all the time.

I have asked God to give me someone's disease, so that I may save this person and end my life. I know this is irrational, but I don't know what else to do.

If you look at pictures of me, from when I was a tiny child to now, I never smile. I have always worried, I've never been completely happy.

I am out of work, I really need a job. I have an upcoming job interview for a utility company. I really hope I get this. I need money badly. But a part of me tells myself that even if I get this job, I'll still be the same person and still have my problems and won't be happy.

I don't know what would make me happy.

OCD sufferers tend to be self-absorbed and selfish. But the reason we are is because we are afraid of losing control and hurting others. My life is full of nothing but the charred ruins of relationships, opportunities, etc. All destroyed by me because of my OCD. If anyone on here tells me to man up and all that they are really committing a sin because they are showing indifference and an inability to be patient and try to understand.

I spend my whole life trying to get people to understand me. And no one does. It exacerbates my loneliness.

I am so far gone now I don't even know what I want, or what my hopes are. My goals are to go day by day and just survive. I want peace in my head I guess. I want to be someone else.

There is a Johnny Cash song called "Hurt". It is a cover song of the song by Nine-Inch Nails. The lyrics are about a drug addict, but they could have been written by a person with OCD:

"What have I become
My sweetest friend?
Everyone I know goes away
In the end."

or

"Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear,
You are someone else,
I am still right here."

or

"If I could start again,
A Million Miles Away
I would keep myself
I would find a way."

I have not changed in 20 years. I am in limbo, sitting on the edge. I have never had a real romantic relationship, never had a career, will never have children. There is no legacy of mine. The last 20 years have been a blur, and I am waiting for my life to begin. But my life is never going to change. I'd love to go back and change it.

Please pray for something I can hold onto in my life. Thank you.

MS_SURVEYOR · #2 Jul 30, '12, 9:00 pm

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen

hopeful01 · #3 Jul 30, '12, 9:04 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MS_SURVEYOR

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen

Amen.

Delaine75 · #4 Jul 30, '12, 9:34 pm

You are most definitely in my prayers. God put you on this earth for a reason. It may not be known to you just yet, but it is there!

ChibiViolet · #5 Jul 30, '12, 11:14 pm

Praying...

jeannetherese · #6 Jul 30, '12, 11:34 pm

I have a relative with OCD-he's my hero. His survival speaks to his strength; your survival speaks to yours as well.
Please do not give up. you probably know far better than I that it can take a very long time to find medication that will help you..there's the weaning on process, the seeing if it works process and the weaning off before you can begin to try something else. it can be discouraging.
Walking has proven therapeutic for my relative. We were blessed to be able to find a specialist in his illness who worked with him for some time (combining cognitive work and medicine).
My involvement with this has taught me to celebrate the small victories in life. And I hit up my relative for prayer for others, confident that our Lord is sure to listen in a special way to someone who works so hard on his faith. I have also learned, through my willingness to talk about this that every family seems to have a member who is dealing with some sort of mental health challenge. It can be helpful toknow that You are not alone in your loneliness.
I pray that you will find the right people to support you in your struggle. There is a wonderful OCD group on this Forum (I've done a bit of lurking and am awestruck by the way they support each other-they set a very high bar in selflessness and charity). Please know that I so appreciate your posting and that you will be in my prayers-and those of my relative in the very near future.
May Our Dear Lord bless you and keep you. Amen.
Feel free to P.M. me and I do hope you will join the OCD/Scrupulosity group-they are really amazing.

UpUpAndAway · #7 Jul 31, '12, 12:54 am

Remembering you and your struggles in my daily prayers. God bless!

Ysara · #8 Jul 31, '12, 1:15 am

Praying for you ... Hang in there... You are here ... you are home.

FallingBlossom · #9 Jul 31, '12, 1:30 am

I understand what you are feeling. I've never experienced it myself, but I can only imagine the depth of your pain and I'm sorry that you've had to go through it.

I'm very happy to see you with us and ask for God to bless you for carrying on in your suffering.

Life is not a legacy, or a career, or even a romantic relationship. I can understand how hard it must be to feel lonely, or to feel as though you are a failure, but we don't believe that of you. I don't know you, but please know that all of us who have commented care and are praying for you - and we certainly don't feel that you've failed in any way. Don't give up! If you're alive, you're meant to be living. May God bless you and Our Lady keep you.

**ready** · #10 Jul 31, '12, 12:43 pm

I pray that you cry out to our Lord in your pain and cling to him as your refuge, and pray your Rosary to our Blessed Mother daily. I pray that you find peace, love and surrender through praying your daily Rosary. May you find strength and healing in the sacraments and find comfort spending time with Jesus in adoration. I pray that you offer up your suffering and gain great merit this way. May our Lord help you to know that through courageously bearing your suffering in patience and love you will be gaining great merit for yourself in Heaven. I pray you persevere in faith and in every good work. May our Lord lead you to the job he wants for you and meet your spiritual and temporal needs. May he help you to find a good spiritual director for the support and guidance you need. Amen.

MS_SURVEYOR · #11 Jul 31, '12, 12:47 pm

Hail Mary,
Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit
of thy womb,
Jesus.
Holy Mary,
Mother of God,
pray for us sinners now,
and at the hour of death.

Amen

louisak · #12 Jul 31, '12, 12:50 pm

I don't suffer from OCD myself but I can certainly understand that it causes a lot of suffering. I pray that God will give you the grace to bear your situation as a cross in union with our Lord's Passion.

I will pray for you in my daily rosary.

Pax.

**Trishie** · #13 Jul 31, '12, 2:32 pm

Loving God please fill Norm with Your love, and help him to find peace.
Our God please flow Your loving kindness through him to others, even though he suffers from this great burden.
Please help him to carry that load with hope