Boyfriend pressuring me for sex before marriage - Page 3

porthos11 · #31 Aug 4, '12, 9:40 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

My boyfriend of five months is pressuring me for sex, he says that since we are planning on getting married anyway we are not doing anything wrong. But I told him I wanted to wait until the wedding night. Would it be OK however to let him do other things than sex in the mean time like seeing me naked or taking a shower together? Or will that not suffice to calm him down? Recently I noticed that when we were hugging or sleeping in the same bed (In pyjamas of course) he would have a "man reaction" down there. This has been occurring a lot lately and I'm a bit scared that if I don't give him a little something he will cheat on me or leave me, of course he told me he'd never do that and he loves me but still. I know it's wrong but since we are planning on getting married maybe it's not that wrong?

Stop sleeping in the same bed. And from the looks of it, since he clearly does not care about being chaste, you will most probably have to dump him and soon. Believe me, he is not worth sticking with, feelings notwithstanding.

None of the things you describe are appropriate for a person, male or female, who is not married. If you are Catholic, confess all these things and live a chaste life.

porthos11 · #32 Aug 4, '12, 9:41 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Julian0404

Your placing yourself voluntarily in a compromising situation night after night and then complaining about the compromise you find?

Melinda, if you wish to stop the pressure, remove the compromising situation, and have your "boyfriend" sleep in his own apt - bed. And if he cheats on you, it is best you discover that now rather than after the marriage.

Is it right for him to be demanding you surrender your conscience - NO!
Is it right for you to be inviting him into your bed every night - NO!
Do you see a connection between the two?

You are creating the "near occasion of sin for him" by your continued sleeping arrangement, and by your question to go further you are acknowledging that you are losing control as well.

GO GET MARRIED or live apart so as not to create sin in each others life.

I would even say that given this fellow's demands, he is not a suitable partner and that they should NOT get married; she should end this relationship instead. She deserves someone better.

lerapt78 · #33 Aug 4, '12, 9:48 pm

Hi Melinda,

Firstly, your boyfriend has no sexual "needs". Sex is not a biological need, it is a drive, a desire. Despite what he may hint to you, nothing bad will happen to him if he goes without - he's just trying to pressure you and make you feel guilty and insecure about his fidelity.

That being said.....did I read somewhere that you're 21 years old? Forgive my confusion here, but how can you possibly think that letting him see you naked is going to "calm him down"?

Think about it: He's already attracted to you - don't you think seeing someone you're attracted to naked would make you think about sex even MORE than usual? It's just very strange to me - I don't know if you've been very sheltered your whole life, but there isn't one woman I know of over the age of 15 who is unaware of the effect her body has on men.

With that, I think it's a bit unfair of you to "dangle the bait" in front of him, so to speak - that's pretty much flat-out teasing. If you two are already cohabiting, please consider sleeping in separate beds if abstaining before marriage is important to you.

Good luck.

vera dicere · #34 Aug 4, '12, 9:50 pm

Dump him.

Pray for God to send a real man into your life. A man who understands the faith, a man who values you and your dignity as a human being, a man who desires to live God's plan for sexuality.

Bill Martin · #35 Aug 4, '12, 9:54 pm

Don't take this harshly but I think you should break it off and really consider why he is not respecting your wishes, your beliefs, and your right to tell him no to your own body until marriage.

I think you should find a guy who does.

Elizabeth502 · #36 Aug 4, '12, 10:40 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debora123

That would be incorrect. Also, he needs to stop and start treating you with a little more respect.

You tell him that sexual expression is part of the covenantal relationship of marriage. Within marriage it is holy. Sex was not intended to be disconnnected from marriage, no matter how many modern people think so and act so.

By the way, I do not know why you are sleeping next to each other, even in pajamas. I knew another couple that did this many years ago, and I thought it was a bad idea for them, too. It just magnifies the temptation and has to be frustrating for the man, if not for the woman too.

PennyinCanada · #37 Aug 4, '12, 11:07 pm

God designed sex to be within marriage, a committed relationship, because 1) it's like a super glue for couples and 2) because it makes babies. Dating is a time that the couple discern whether they are to get married or not and if sex comes into the relationship before it's proper time, it makes it hard to think straight. Dating is a time to keep your head clear and to be able to really assess the other person, and oneself. If a young woman remains chaste in her dating, it really makes it much easier to get rid of the losers. Too many lovely young ladies stay with the wrong guy because the super glue has already been applied and they have much heart ache and sadness later, especially when children are involved.

The phrase 'we're going to get married anyway' is a way to manipulate you. That phrase should make you mad! It's selfish, self serving, and deceitful! A good Catholic man (if this man is Catholic, shame on him) should give his life for his wife and his family, honor them and love them. He should look to their good ahead of his own, and it's time he put that into practice. I would rather a young man say that he would wait for as long as it takes because you are worth the wait! You are worth the wait!

Nat682 · #38 Aug 4, '12, 11:31 pm

Melinda:

I don't know what the modern church teaches, but it is a violation of traditional church law for a man and a woman to live together before they are married. Sleeping in the same bed, then, is especially unlawful. Is your boyfriend Catholic? If he is, he should know that having sex before the actual marriage is grave matter and thus constitutes mortal sin if it is done with full knowledge and full deliberation. The best option would be to talk to him and remind him of this. If he respects you and the Church, he should apologize and back off. If he does not respect both you and the Church, dump him and find a man who does!

Elizabeth502 · #39 Aug 4, '12, 11:36 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by PennyinCanada

The phrase 'we're going to get married anyway' is a way to manipulate you

SgtSchultz · #40 Aug 4, '12, 11:49 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

Would it be OK however to let him do other things than sex in the mean time like seeing me naked or taking a shower together? Or will that not suffice to calm him down?

Calm him down? What you're suggesting won't calm him down, it will excite him more!

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

Recently I noticed that when we were hugging or sleeping in the same bed (In pyjamas of course) he would have a "man reaction" down there.

Of course he did! That's what men do when they're in bed cuddling with an attractive woman. Would you expect him to not be aroused? If you're concerned about chastity, why would you be in bed with your boyfriend? How counter-productive is that?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

This has been occurring a lot lately and I'm a bit scared that if I don't give him a little something he will cheat on me or leave me, of course he told me he'd never do that and he loves me but still.

If he would cheat on you or leave you, then it's better for you to have nothing to do with him. Why would you want to have anything to do with someone who can't respect your most fundamental beliefs? If he can't respect you on this matter, what else won't he respect? Will he try to convince you to have an abortion one day? How do you know?

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

I'm 21 and he is turning 21 soon.

You're 21 and have only been dating for five months? It doesn't sound to me like you're ready to get married. It sounds to be like he has no intention of marrying anyone. I get the feeling he says he wants to marry you only so he can pressure you into having sex. Hence the flawed thinking of "it's not really wrong if we do it, since we're going to be getting "married"

eventually, right?"

BlueEyedLady · #41 Aug 4, '12, 11:53 pm

Yes, it's wrong for him to pressure you, but you are very wrong too.

Cuddling in bed? Getting upset that he gets erections? You are dangling the possibility of sex in front of his face and then turning him down. That's cruel. Either have boundaries or don't. But don't tease him and then turn him down.

SeekNFind · #42 Aug 4, '12, 11:58 pm

Chastity is more than not having sex. Sleeping together in the same bed, doing "other things"

to calm him down, thinking lustful thoughts, etc are ALL part and parcel with chastity. If you're going to do everything but intercourse, do you really think that's pleasing to God? You need to really think about what purity means. Reflect on the Blessed Virgin Mary--do you think she would approve of you taking a shower with your boyfriend naked? The wonderful thing is, it's not too late to turn this around. Stand firm and tell your boyfriend how things are going to be. If he really loves you and intends on marrying you, he will wait. If not, you dodged a bullet. Yes, it will hurt if he breaks up with you. But think about how strong a message you send to Jesus that you were willing to give up something you really wanted for His sake? The call to chastity and purity are NOT easy, but that doesn't mean we should just give up.

For your purity,

Hair Mary,
Full of Grace
The Lore is with thee
Blessed art thou among women
And Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus
Holy Mary, Mother of God
Pray for us sinners
Now, and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Elizabeth502 · #43 Aug 4, '12, 11:59 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueEyedLady

Yes, it's wrong for him to pressure you, but you are very wrong too.

Cuddling in bed? Getting upset that he gets erections? You are dangling the possibility of sex in front of his face and then turning him down. That's cruel. Either have boundaries or don't. But don't tease him and then turn him down.

Right on, sister!

SaintPatrick333 · #44 Aug 5, '12, 12:00 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by MelindaUK

Thank you Bellator. We have been sleeping in the same bed without anything dirty happening for over four months now, I believe it is quite innocent. He did try to touch me the first time we slept in the same bed but I told him I didn't want to and he never tried it again. However he often talks about his "needs" and how he wants to make love to me, something I find difficult to understand because while I can be physically attracted to him I have no difficulty in controlling myself. My boyfriend does not masturbate because he thinks it is not natural but has asked me yesterday whether I would be willing to touch him down there to ease him... Of course I told him I wouldn't but he seems really desperate. Sometimes I just want to give him a little something to help him wait... It almost seems like he is suffering or desperate because he can't have sex with me. I'm so scared that he will leave me.

Don't give in to him. Comfort him with words of encouragement, not sinful touches. Know that even pleasing him with your hand is no different than having full sex (at least in terms of sin). It's all immoral. No kind of sexual contact is justified until marriage, and even then must be both unitive AND procreative. Everything else falls into self pleasure (even if someone else is doing it) since ultimately the only goal is pleasure and that takes the act away from God and makes it our own selfish act. You have done a fantastic job so far. Continue to resist him! Years ago when I was in a serious relationship I was in the same position as your boyfriend (though I struggled with masturbation, whereas he abstains from it) and I eventually talked her into doing minor, albeit sinful things with me. Once you start it will never be enough. If you give him one time or one thing where you "please" him that'll only open the floodgates. He'll come to "expect" that much each time and want just a little bit more. I don't mean to sound like I completely lost control because I didn't. But I know what was meant to "satisfy" me only teased and provoked me into a greater desire, a greater hunger which was never satisfied. Ultimately that relationship failed (that was part of it, granted one of many). I just wanted to give my personal experience. No two women are the same but all men are the same. What goes for one of us goes for all of us 99.999999% of the time. Abstinence. Wait until marriage and make him wait for marriage (for everything). If he can't then he doesn't love you like he says he does. Christ first in ALL things.

Petersmate · #45 Aug 5, '12, 2:43 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Petersmate

Quote:

Originally Posted by cradlecatholic5

Petersmate, your picture said it all. Beautiful. That needs to be put in schools.

I got that picture from the facebook page of one of the apologists here at Catholic Answers.

And I hope and pray that Melinda gets or understands this message.

Watch this video Melinda you might find it helpful
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnCjbnh72DI