Celibate & Married (NFP) - Page 7

Groo · #91 Aug 6, '12, 2:49 pm

I wonder if the one thing she needs and wants, but may not know it, is for you to stand up to her. Not in a mean or ugly way, but in a firm way to let her know that what she is doing to you is not ok. Whatever you may have done in the past, you do not deserve to abused.

Would you want your kids to take the kind of abuse that you are taking? Your kids are going to model their future relationships on what they see between you and your wife. Would you tell your kids to stay in an abusive relationship just because they're married? I can't imagine that you would.

Whatever you do, you are going to need support. Consider getting a counselor for yourself. Some employers have employee assistance programs where they'll pay for a few sessions for free. If there's a men's group at your church or a nearby church, even if it's a Protestant church, consider joining. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

Also, it might be a good time for you to start contacting lawyers. I know you don't believe in divorce, but if she does and files for divorce, you may have no choice. Better to be prepared than blindsided.

Finally, what has helped me more than anything is praying a daily holy hour in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Bishop Sheen prayed a holy hour every day for 50+ years. That hour a day has given me more strength and joy than I ever thought possible. This will all work out in the end. May not seem like it, but God loves you and He's going to see you through this.

Listener · #92 Aug 6, '12, 3:48 pm

I know that we're not supposed to give medical advice on these threads, but it is a known fact that many antidepressants have side effects that are worse than what they're trying to cure. You said that birth control pills make her sick, so it seems that she must be extra sensitive to medication.

It's just something to think about.

johndelacruz · #93 Aug 9, '12, 5:51 am

thanks for the additional thoughts and advice - I don't think she is having an affair, if that was what was alluded to, no opportunity for that, unless it is a "virtual" one, online, but I doubt that too -

Near my work downtown, there are parishes that offer a daily Mass, so I attend when I can, and one has Perpetual Adoration, which has been a sustaining force for me over the years - I try to keep in good shape spiritually

Last night, we had a talk - she had wondered why I had been quiet the past few days - I really didn't know what to say over the past few days, mulling all this over, didn't really feel like just acting like everything was fine - also I didn't want to sound whiney by saying "you're not having sex with me," although it is a lot more that that: "I'm tired of you yelling at me over little things, I'm tired of you being on facebook all the time and letting the house go to shambles, I'm tired of you not cooking dinner for your family, etc etc" - I really don't want to argue, so I keep quiet - I've mentioned these things before, and it didn't go well at all.

She kept bugging me about being quiet, so I asked why she had ignored the emails I'd recently sent (see earlier in this thread) - she tried to act like she didn't know which emails I meant, "I get a lot of emails" - she knew exactly which emails - I reminded her of them, then said she didn't know that I wanted to start a dialogue about it (!?) - then we hashed it all out again, she won't have sex unless I use a condom and since I stand firm on that, she will stand firm too - I said that I am willing to do anything as long as it doesn't involve sin, and using a condom would be a sin for me - I was not asking her to sin, only to learn more about NFP and give it a chance - she said that she doesn't trust it and will not use it, she doesn't want to risk getting pregnant - she doesn't see the point in charting and taking temps if she isn't going to have sex anyway.

I told her I did not want to go to Hell for sinning using a condom, and she said that she didn't want to have anymore children "which would be same as going to Hell for me", (her words) - I told I didn't know she felt that way.

We were sitting outside, and could see our kids playing in the house. It was getting late, so I told her the kids needed to go to bed - I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her, and I wouldn't bring it up again, but that she had wanted me to talk and share what was on my mind. She sat there as I walked inside and put the children to bed.

It was a strange feeling, like she had severed a cord between us - I feel a bit more free, I don't feel compelled to please her as much anymore, good or bad as that may be - if I want to sit down and read a book when I get home from work, I will - if I want to play my guitar loud, I will (which I did as the kids got dressed for bed) to let off steam, if I want to stop somewhere on the way home from work and be a little late, I will - I am my own person, and without the huge motivator of keeping her a happy wife and in the mood for intimacy, I feel more free - I will certainly do what I feel I need to do around the house (which is quite a lot) as a husband and father, provider and protector, but I feel even less now like bending over backwards to please her and keep her happy, which is usually an unsuccessful venture anyway - - - I can't burn myself out and ruin my own mental health, I need to take care of myself and my children.

Josephene · #94 Aug 9, '12, 5:51 pm

Read through some of the posts and thought that along with the many good suggestions, would try mentioning a few others - apologies if already discussed .

Read that your wife is a convert - wondered if she resents The Church for its teaching of NFP , not having recognised the reasons for same and if that anger is adding to the other syptoms of passive aggressive styles , depression etc : along with the idolatry of selfishness , with not much place for God !

Th long lasting effects of going against The Church in this area may be vastly underecognised , with its effects , even for this life and she might be willing to look into some of them to see the need to respect Church teachings .

Her present syptoms in themselves might be a result of such idolatrous deception , to bring both of you ,along with the children , into enemy tyranny and her wasting away her precious time on the Fcaebook may be already a sign of that !

Thus , exorcim prayers as well as confession would be good and here is a good site for same , from a Rome trained priest - Fr.Machado : -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAg0yj3LdCc , may be worth playing 2-3 times a day in the house , along with other good prayer C.D.s such as Gregorian chants , from holy monks .

Fr.Machado, in his book Holy Hands , mention how fasting is a good preparation for confession, which , in itself is a powerful means of exorcism .

Bl.Mother , in her Kibeho apparition also recommends the Rosary of Seven Sorrows , as a means for dealing with personality disorders ; it meditates on the sorrows of The Bl.Mother , as a means of bringing compassion and healing , from any areas of unforeseen , deep resentments .

Having read of widespread immoral sexual practices in supposedly Catholic places like Brazil , have wondered as to how much , such choices lead to also the widespread poverty and such ills !

Since The Word advices men to use the cleansing Words to heal the woman , may be reading esp. the Song of Songs,together, studying the bible together ( the Ignatius Study bible is a good one , for self or home study ) and thus dealing with deeper issues might bring the healing - till then offering up the struggles , in union with that of The Lord 's agony in The Garden, for Church unity , could also bring forth fruit that would last , including . blessings for the children !

God Bless !

Josephene · #95 Aug 10, '12, 5:37 am

http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=698825 - here is a thread on devotion to St.Joseph , along with two good homilies on St.Jospeh .

In one sense your situation is not unlike that of Joseph of Old Testament and the wife of Pothiphar trying to force Joseph into illicit sex .

Listening to the good homilies on St.Jospeh above , may be visting the shrine etc might open her heart more to the riches of Catholic beliefs ...

In one sense, God hopefully is already using your situation, to possiblyhelp other couples also struggling in this area !

Pretty soon , The Church would be celebrating the Feast of Assumption ..reminding us all of what awaits us , in His grace ..

Many persons prepare for same, through a period of fasting too , almost like before Easter ..anticipating , in joy, what The Father reveals to us ,
through this glorious truth of her Assumption , what can await us too - our own bodies , that are to be also kept sacred ..

Such devotions can help to take one's mind and heart away from execssive cares of this world ( not implying the situation is trivial - but can be an occasion to practice hope )
and focus on what is eternal ..thus even making up for the deficiencies of many , in this area , offering up , for conversion of sinners ...thus , a vast array of friends for the next ..even here , in a spiritual sense ..

http://moynihanreport.itvworking.com...he-holy-father - here is an article , on joining the Holy Father , who too has been embatteld by much , from his own , and bringing the help of heaven , as he recites the rosary everyday ,
at 6.45.p.m , Vatican time ..many others joining him now, which , in turn brings that sense of spiritual communion too ..

God Bless !

Groo · #96 Aug 10, '12, 7:13 pm

You/re a good man, John!

A far better man than I. God bless.

johndelacruz · #97 Aug 11, '12, 9:24 pm

Thanks Josephene, for the astute suggestions - I need to use everything I can

Quote:

Originally Posted by Groo

You/re a good man, John!

A far better man than I. God bless.

what can I say to that, thanks for the encouraging word - it has helped at least to vent all this to others, even if only in this forum -

I bugged her again about the aforementioned books, and she consented to me checking them out - so "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura is sitting on her nightstand - she happens to be out of town for a night with some of her old college friends (a reunion of sorts) and honestly, around the house here, it has been a taste of Paradise without her here - such an awful thing to say about one's wife, but she does bring an oppressive air to the home, I feel quite calm and free when we are apart.

I actually went through and read a lot of the Dr. Laura book, and actually shed some honest-to-goodness tears over all this, I haven't really done that, been too cold and numb - but Dr. Laura hits the nail on the head, at least in my case: give your hubby some respect in his home, fix him good hot dinners, and give him some "good lovin'" now and then, and he (and the wife as well) will be much happier. Currently, I am daily disrespected in so many ways by her; if there is a hot meal for myself and the kids, I am usually the one who cooks it; and of course it is clear that I get zero "good lovin'" and haven't really for going on 5 years.

How long can a moral, faithful and godly husband remain moral, faithful and godly in this situation? This is not a good way to enter mid-life, not good at all.

---john

Greg_N · #98 Aug 12, '12, 5:22 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by johndelacruz

guess where she is? facebook-land...

...How long can a moral, faithful and godly husband remain moral, faithful and godly in this situation? This is not a good way to enter mid-life, not good at all.

Don't break my man, we know you didn't sign up for this; don't falter under the weight of this tedious evil; sometimes it seems the odds are stacked against us when we choose to do what is right, and the fact that you’ve made it this far is a testament to your spirit. This is undoubtedly a heavy cross to endure. I will say a rosary for you John…

Stay strong, and mabye cut that internet cable

peace and God bless

Kelfa28 · #99 Aug 12, '12, 10:26 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Greg_N

Stay strong, and mabye cut that internet cable

I second this...it's clearly a source of severe stress in your relationship.

Yes, it's drastic...but it makes a statement.

I'd even go after it with a pair of pliers and cut it literally.

Or in my case...an "Office Space" reinactment on the wireless router with a sledgehammer.

johndelacruz · #**100** Aug 12, '12, 12:55 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kelfa28

I second this...it's clearly a source of severe stress in your relationship.

Yes, it's drastic...but it makes a statement.

I'd even go after it with a pair of pliers and cut it literally.

Or in my case...an "Office Space" reinactment on the wireless router with a sledgehammer.

sounds tempting, and I've considered sabotage - but she would go inot a meltdown over it - whenever our internet goes down, she fiends after it like a drug, and we are all more miserable - she'd find a way to get it, and would cost us more money and trouble

johndelacruz · #**101** Aug 12, '12, 3:11 pm

ok, someone out there is an effective prayer warrior - or maybe all of us together

she came home from her overnight trip in a great mood...and "frisky!" - She put in a movie for the kids and started talking about how she will start her period tomorrow, and staring at me with that little smile - anyway, you know where that led!

maybe her girlfriends talked with her as well, who knows - I know thay stayed up late talking - a couple of her friends lost hubby's to affairs and porn, so maybe they told her how good she has it

anyway, thanks for the prayers - I'll keep you updated, hopefully the momentum will continue - honestly, I am skeptical about long-term change, but that comes from years of dealing with this - I'll take what I get though, and keep hope alive!

---john

Jessup · #**102** Aug 12, '12, 3:17 pm

I personally couldn't do it, I don't know how you do.

LittleFlower378 · #**103** Aug 12, '12, 3:37 pm

I think a good thing to do is love you wife as Christ loves the Church. When a temptation comes, think of the other person that is not your wife as another religion or denomination. You would never want to leave the Catholic faith, the thought should make you sick to your stomach. So too when you look at another person besides your wife.

Greg_N · #**104** Aug 13, '12, 6:46 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by johndelacruz

ok, someone out there is an effective prayer warrior - or maybe all of us together

she came home from her overnight trip in a great mood...and "frisky!" - She put in a movie for the kids and started talking about how she will start her period tomorrow, and staring at me with that little smile - anyway, you know where that led!

maybe her girlfriends talked with her as well, who knows - I know thay stayed up late talking - a couple of her friends lost hubby's to affairs and porn, so maybe they told her how good she has it

anyway, thanks for the prayers - I'll keep you updated, hopefully the momentum will continue - honestly, I am skeptical about long-term change, but that comes from years of dealing with this - I'll take what I get though, and keep hope alive!

---john

Awww yeah!!

I'll keep you in my prayers man.

WingsOfEagles · #**105** Aug 13, '12, 7:33 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by johndelacruz

ok, someone out there is an effective prayer warrior - or maybe all of us together

she came home from her overnight trip in a great mood...and "frisky!" - She put in a movie for the kids and started talking about how she will start her period tomorrow, and staring at me with that little smile - anyway, you know where that led!

maybe her girlfriends talked with her as well, who knows - I know thay stayed up late talking - a couple of her friends lost hubby's to affairs and porn, so maybe they told her how good she has it

anyway, thanks for the prayers - I'll keep you updated, hopefully the momentum will continue - honestly, I am skeptical about long-term change, but that comes from years of dealing with this - I'll take what I get though, and keep hope alive!

---john

I pray she continues to at least realize likelihood of pregnancy right before her period is extremely small. Even once a month is way better than going years. Perhaps, she thought over you guys' talk even though she was resistant at the time (and you're right, her girlfriends may have told her she was being unfair). Besides, you guys only have two and at your age, your likelihood of ending up with an out of control family size is pretty small.