When your best friend likes your girlfriend

[European2010]

Thanks for all your comments and taking the time to write.

This is what I think.

1. My best friend is attracted to her.
2. She might have feelings for him
3. She is either happy to encourage it or at least not to discourage it.
4. Or she is just naive about things.
5. And just friendly because she knows him well.
6. When we're together, everything's great.
7. But when we're in group setting, the two of them are stuck like magnets!
8. And that makes me worried and confused!

But, it makes me dread future group settings as I think there is too much conversation between them

It's annoying for me because I have found an amazing Catholic woman, but the best friend is always always in the background!

[AlanFromWichita]

Originally Posted by European2010

Yeah, I think she is naturally quite friendly and chatty. But, I also fear there may be attraction from her towards him. Afterall, recently when we're in groups, she immediately goes to him and focuses on him which I find a bit humiliating. We're ok when we're along but she seems to almost ignore me in groups and focus on him!

The way you describe it, it is rude behavior. That said, when my wife and I go to social groups, we have been advised it is good manners to split up and socialize separately. Not to say we can't talk to each other or join in the same conversation, but the idea is to mingle. If she focuses on him, she isn't mingling. They might as well not be at the event. So she is likely to both be exercising bad manners and giving the impression there's more to the story than can be told, for example, via Facebook.

Back in my dating days, if my girl went for my friend or any other guy, I'd just let her go because holding onto her wasn't going to work. Likewise, if another's woman came on to me, I was likely to think, "well if she wants wants to be with me right and not him, then that's the other guy's problem." That was my moral code, anyway... Funny thing; I got along with some of my ex's better than "current" girlfriends. Maybe that's because the pretenses are dropped? Or that they know they do not have first position and have fewer hopes to lose?

Alan

[chevalier]

I'm inclined to agree with Alan, it sounds like rude behaviour for her to focus on him to the exclusion of you. But it's rare for young women nowadays to be well-mannered enough to pay attention to this type of thing with regard to a man.

This said, they may have few other opportunities to talk/meet up. Also, she may be a freshly new girlfriend to you, while an old friend to him. Generally, an old friend will take priority before a new boyfriend when it comes to attention and/or time in some cases, mostly because of "seniority" as a friend and degree of emotional closeness.

As for attraction to somebody, it manifests in mirroring the position of his body, leaning out to hear what he's saying, nodding appreciatively, also the skin seems to be blooming, getting healthier and reddening. Eyes acquire a glow. Nostrils widen a bit. The person may shift weight a bit, correct his or her hair. I'm not really going to give you more detailed clues because they're easy to misjudge. But this is the general idea.

[AlanFromWichita]

Originally Posted by chevalier

As for attraction to somebody, it manifests in mirroring the position of his body, leaning out to hear what he's saying, nodding appreciatively, also the skin seems to be blooming, getting healthier and reddening. Eyes acquire a glow. Nostrils widen a bit. The person may shift weight a bit, correct his or her hair. I'm not really going to give you more detailed clues because they're easy to misjudge. But this is the general idea.

Great point! I've recently taken seriously how important body language is, after watching an excellent 1 1/2 hour documentary on body language. It covers tone of voice, facial expressions as well. Very imformative. Since then I've watched others, and become much more sensitive to it myself.

This is a good area of study for anyone, IMO, interested in interpersonal relationships -- and that includes most of us, I hope!

Alan

[chevalier]

Originally Posted by AlanFromWichita

Great point! I've recently taken seriously how important body language is, after watching an excellent 1 1/2 hour documentary on body language. It covers tone of voice, facial expressions as well. Very imformative. Since then I've watched others, and become much more sensitive to it myself.

This is a good area of study for anyone, IMO, interested in interpersonal relationships -- and that includes most of us, I hope!

Alan

Body language is cool. I can spot liars before they spot themselves. May be why I'm single.

[AlanFromWichita]

Originally Posted by chevalier

Body language is cool. I can spot liars before they spot themselves. May be why I'm single.

[European2010]

So, it turned out that she was not interested in my best friend. That was no problem in the end.

She has told me there that she does not want a relationship after all. She said that she does not want anything more than friendship with anyone and has decided that she will never marry. What am I supposed to do with that?

I'm heartbroken.

[maltmom]

Originally Posted by European2010

So, it turned out that she was not interested in my best friend. That was no problem in the end.

She has told me there that she does not want a relationship after all. She said that she does not want anything more than friendship with anyone and has decided that she will never marry. What am I supposed to do with that?

I'm heartbroken.

I'm sorry you are heartbroken. All you can do is accept that she doesn't want a relationship. You can either just be friends or completely go your separate ways. The latter is usually better if you had deep feelings for her. If she'd start seeing someone it would continue to break your heart. Some people say they don't want a relationship with anyone when they really mean they don't want one with the person they are seeing. She may have discerned that being single is her vocation or it could very well be a phase she's going through right now. If she's been feeling a lot of stress being pulled between you and your best friend she may be feeling that relationships are too much of a hassle.

God Bless. May He give you peace at this time.

[European2010]

I told her that it would be best if we stopped emailing etc each other then. The strange thing is that she told she would not want that and wants to keep in contact as close friends!

[chevalier]

Originally Posted by European2010

7. But when we're in group setting, the two of them are stuck like magnets!
8. And that makes me worried and confused!

Without judging her, I think I'd be thinking about quitting at that point. Chances are the two of them have a relationship which isn't clearly of the girlfriend-boyfriend type but if a man and a woman are stuck like then things are pretty obvious (as in, something like effectively sharing a life together, even though without clearly pronounced romantic gesture).

Originally Posted by European2010

So, it turned out that she was not interested in my best friend. That was no problem in the end.

She has told me there that she does not want a relationship after all. She said that she does not want anything more than friendship with anyone and has decided that she will never marry. What am I supposed to do with that?

I'm heartbroken.

Case solved then. I'm mostly guessing here but it seems she needs to sort things out, learn to judge her own reactions to men, find out what she expects from a relationship and so on, even learn the difference between a friendship and a romance. Not everybody has it sorted out. As for, "she will never marry", what's her age, again?

Let go of her, you need to. You can't put the relationship back and she isn't ready anyway. She has to grow up some before she is.

Originally Posted by European2010

I told her that it would be best if we stopped emailing etc each other then. The strange thing is that she told she would not want that and wants to keep in contact as close friends!

Only do that if you are actually able to keep in contact as close friends without wanting a relationship and without being jealous about her spending time with all her other friends. Of which I don't expect the chance to be high, to be honest. And don't force yourself, you don't owe it to her. It would be magnanimous to keep up a friendship with her as being a true friend and all but consider if you're able and if you wouldn't resent her for it.

[maltmom]

This is a time of discernment for you. You need to do what is best for your heart and your peace of mind. That is something that only you can decide. If you receive an e-mail or text from her are you just going to read it and take it at face value or are you going to read between the lines to see if she meant more than what was said? If she wants to go out to dinner are you going to see it as a date or just two friends sharing a meal? These are things you are going to have to ask yourself. If she didn't care for you nearly as much as you cared for her she may not do things to be cruel she may not realize that she's hurting you.

[European2010]

Thank you for your kind words. They give me much to think about. I know though that I have to let go of her.

[maltmom]

You're welcome. I'll be praying for you.