My wife and kids are freaked out by the idea of me becoming Catholic - Page 3

defenderoftruth · #31 Aug 8, '12, 9:56 pm

I've been a poster on here for a couple years now. I've tried to convert SEVERAL times but I have just the opposite problem a very anti-Catholic husband. Since he's the head of the house and divorce and or "I won't treat you like a wife anymore" was thrown around with a lot of yelling in front of our now 4 kids I've given up the idea unless God changes his heart or my kids grow up and move out-then yeah. (I haven't updated my description in upper right hand corner of my profile) I just can't have them come from what I did-a broken home from divorce or a lot of verbal/spousal abuse. He's a great husband and father and strange as it sounds this is the only thing he FREAKS out about. We have a blissful marriage otherwise. He's Anglican but think of how Henry VIII hated the pope and transfer that to my husband and that about fits the anger and rage toward The Church.

I can HIGHLY recommend the book "when only one converts" it's really good and not sugar coated. One poor guy's wife divorces him and takes the kids because he converts. I'm too afraid of that since my husband is twice as bad as that woman in the book sounded toward her husband.

I've gotten to the point I keep my feelings about The Church (ie the Catholic Church) secret now because bringing it up only makes him turn into a psycho. (a real Jekyll and Hyde thing)

I will pray for you and I ask you ALL pray for me/my family as well.

lssanjose · #32 Aug 8, '12, 10:01 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by defenderoftruth

I've been a poster on here for a couple years now. I've tried to convert SEVERAL times but I have just the opposite problem a very anti-Catholic husband. Since he's the head of the house and divorce and or "I won't treat you like a wife anymore" was thrown around with a lot of yelling in front of our now 4 kids I've given up the idea unless God changes his heart or my kids grow up and move out-then yeah. (I haven't updated my description in upper right hand corner of my profile) I just can't have them come from what I did-a broken home from divorce or a lot of verbal/spousal abuse. He's a great husband and father and strange as it sounds this is the only thing he FREAKS out about. We have a blissful marriage otherwise. He's Anglican but think of how Henry VIII hated the pope and transfer that to my husband and that about fits the anger and rage toward The Church.

I can HIGHLY recommend the book "when only one converts" it's really good and not sugar coated. One poor guy's wife divorces him and takes the kids because he converts. I'm too afraid of that since my husband is twice as bad as that woman in the book sounded toward her husband.

I've gotten to the point I keep my feelings about The Church (ie the Catholic Church) secret now because bringing it up only makes him turn into a psycho. (a real Jekyll and Hyde thing)

I will pray for you and I ask you ALL pray for me/my family as well.

I shall pray, for your situation, and the OP's. I suppose, you're taking the better route, as you're thinking of the kids first.

joe370 · #33 Aug 8, '12, 10:14 pm

Hey Dcarollo. I think, maybe, the following statement in blue is why your wife doesn't feel the call. In addition to that possibility, you are the one searching....There are many reasons to join the catholic church. For me the main reason was the Holy Eucharist. Perhaps that would be a good starting point? My starting point (which doesn't mean a lot to most non-catholics) began with the desire to find the historical church founded by Jesus in the first century. I quickly realized that I could provide the name of the man that founded each respective non-catholic church, (and when) and his name was not Jesus Christ. Only 2 churches can trace their lineage all the way back to the apostolic age, and only one claims to be the church built on Kepha (rock).

Jesus said:

"I will build my church..."

"you are petros and on this petra I will build my church and the gates of hell will never prevail..."

"Better to be in a "LIVE" Protestant church (even if it has some disagreeable doctrine or loud, obnoxious rock worship services), than a "DEAD" Catholic church. Besides, what is my dad and rest of the family, and all our Protestant friends going to think? They're going to freak!"

I feel your struggle my friend.

Most of my family members belong to dfferent non-catholic churches.

iloveangels · #34 Aug 9, '12, 11:47 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by defenderoftruth

I've been a poster on here for a couple years now. I've tried to convert SEVERAL times but I have just the opposite problem a very anti-Catholic husband. Since he's the head of the house and divorce and or "I won't treat you like a wife anymore" was thrown around with a lot of yelling in front of our now 4 kids I've given up the idea unless God changes his heart or my kids grow up and move out-then yeah. (I haven't updated my description in upper right hand corner of my profile) I just can't have them come from what I did-a broken home from divorce or a lot of verbal/spousal abuse. He's a great husband and father and strange as it sounds this is the only thing he FREAKS out about. We have a blissful marriage otherwise. He's Anglican but think of how Henry VIII hated the pope and transfer that to my husband and that about fits the anger and rage toward The Church.

I can HIGHLY recommend the book "when only one converts" it's really good and not sugar coated. One poor guy's wife divorces him and takes the kids because he converts. I'm too afraid of that since my husband is twice as bad as that woman in the book sounded toward her husband.

I've gotten to the point I keep my feelings about The Church (ie the Catholic Church) secret now because bringing it up only makes him turn into a psycho. (a real Jekyll and Hyde thing)

I will pray for you and I ask you ALL pray for me/my family as well.

I converted and my husband didn't. He didn't like it. He survived.

It's a basic human right to be able to believe as one wishes, regardless of whether anyone else agrees or not.

I don't harass my husband; he doesn't harass me. One of the key elements in successful marriages is mutual respect. We'd had trouble with this issue early in our marriage, and this is what it took for him to learn it.

PS. Many governments and other societies have tried to control what people believe and have failed. This is because no one can make a person believe, and no one can really prevent a person from believing. All force, threats and disapproval do, at their most powerful, is compel appearances under pain of punishment. They can't make a person believe or not believe.

People try this with their spouses; they try it with their kids; they try it in politics; they try it in schools. It never works and it never will. People have a basic right *and ability* to believe what they believe no matter what else happens.

This doesn't mean that you should be crude or pushy or unthoughtful. On the other hand, neither should they! It's a matter of basic mutual respect.

mamaslo · #35 Aug 9, '12, 11:49 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by dcarollo

"If God is REALLY calling you to become Catholic, then why isn't he calling ME? Doesn't God care more about family unity than 'being in the right church'"?

Questions for you:
1. How would you reply to these objections?
2. How do I become Catholic but also be gracious to family/friends who would object strongly?
3. For those folks whose family entered into the Catholic church later --- what was the turning point in changing their minds?

Your questions stand out for me as well. I am the female part of the equation. I thought that my LH would be called too and just waited and waited and waited for his heart to change. He read the recommended books and was still not convinced. That does not mean your wife won't be.

My advice to you is to not feel like you have to shout if from the rooftops even if you feel like it. Don't keep it secret either. Use wisdom as you will get a variety of reactions and in my experience positive and negative.

you must be loving and patient. Don't make it a point of contention but be faithful to what you are learning. Conversion takes a lifetime not just a moment. There will be things from your own background that will take time to change to a whole different way of thinking. Our philosophy is different than protestants. It just takes a while.

She may be afraid of loss, whatever that means to her.

My standing upon my convictions, and growth in knowledge of the church and what She expects from us has caused great division as forewarned in the catechism. Even to the point of narcissistic abuse. I hope your experience with your wife and children especially doesn't come to that. I hope they can see that you are aligning your life with scripture and the church.

We have the tabernacle, the priest, the priestly robe, the altar of sacrifice, the bathing before entering in...we have Jesus as the bread and wine. We respect that and see it as a community event to come and take part of Jesus actually coming to feed us Himself.

Be patient with your wife. She has been told the Catholic Church is dead for a lot longer than she even remembers. It's part of being protestant otherwise there wouldn't be the title and the objections of protestants. So pray a lot. Be patient and honest with questions you do not know the answers too and always respond in love and concern for her as a whole person and as a loving husband.

lssanjose · #36 Aug 9, '12, 1:02 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by iloveangels

I converted and my husband didn't. He didn't like it. He survived.

It's a basic human right to be able to believe as one wishes, regardless of whether anyone else agrees or not.

I don't harass my husband; he doesn't harass me. One of the key elements in successful marriages is mutual respect. We'd had trouble with this issue early in our marriage, and this is what it took for him to learn it.

PS. Many governments and other societies have tried to control what people believe and have failed. This is because no one can make a person believe, and no one can really prevent a person from believing. All force, threats and disapproval do, at their most powerful, is compel appearances under pain of punishment. They can't make a person believe or not believe.

People try this with their spouses; they try it with their kids; they try it in politics; they try it in schools. It never works and it never will. People have a basic right *and ability* to believe what they believe no matter what else happens.

This doesn't mean that you should be crude or pushy or unthoughtful. On the other hand, neither should they! It's a matter of basic mutual respect.

Just a quick aside: a Romanian Catholic priest I befriended, last month as I conversed with his wife, found out his family was historically Byzantine Romanian Catholic, but because of the communist rule, and the Orthodox church being the state religion, swallowed up his mother church by virtue of state rule. It wasn't until communism was lifted, was he able to embrace his familial faith. He was telling us, after Divine Liturgy, one of the test questions he got for his U.S. Citizenship was about religious freedom. God works in wonderful ways, doesn't He?

SurlyMermaid · #37 Aug 10, '12, 8:39 am

Great resources on this thread!

My husband is from a family of lapsed Catholics and does not like the Church. He refused to allow me to baptize our son in the church. (We compromised on having his infant baptism at a liberal Anglican parish.)

Hang in there! Wish I had some words of wisdom for you.

Gwendolen · #38 Aug 10, '12, 1:15 pm

I am going through some of the same too. I have always been the spiritual leader in my family, my husband being reasonably agreeable, taking vows at our wedding and the children's baptisms to raise them in the Christian faith while his own faith has meant less and less over the years.

We have left the Episcopal Church, due to extreme fall away from its top leadership over basic doctrine like Christ rose from the dead, and died for our sins, the Virgin birth, you get the idea, all which has spiraled into Satan's lair, with other bits and pieces of other religions making its way into our liturgy, any thing from the Jewish Bar Mitzah to Native American and African religions, and Islam. the Dean of the Episcopal Divinity School, where priests are educated is a woman "married" to another woman who thinks that abortion is a "blessing", and woman should be able to "enjoy the God given gift of sexuality" without being slaves to their reproductive systems, and doesn't find the concept that Christ died for our sins "compelling". When this Divinity school sent our parish a 20 something female priest who had received her seminary education from the lips of Satan, that was it, we left -- there was no way this woman would have spiritual influence over my family -- my impressionable feminist leaning teen daughter in particular.

They all understood why we left. They were sad, as they liked the church, but after an hour lecture about the decline of the Episcopal Church they "got it". What they all DON'T get is why Catholic? It is a struggle. I cannot answer all their questions. They do not care deeply enough to seek out their own answers. The Catholic parish is huge, and we are kind of lost in the shuffle. The only thing I can do is work on myself first, and hope that they will follow. Both of our children have godly godparents, who are helping. My husband just says "I hope you understand this is a place where I just can't follow". I respect that now, I can only pray and have faith, and hope it will somehow come together.

I hope that others will be an influence I am struggling with. Our young son has 3 very close Catholic friends. My daughter has recently started dating (with strict supervision, lol) a very sweet Catholic boy whose family seems to share our values.

I understand and I will pray for the unity of your family.

Actaeon · #39 Aug 10, '12, 2:49 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by dcarollo

"It's nice that you're gleaned some valuable things from Catholic writers, the liturgy, etc. -- but Why does that mean you should go so far as to become Catholic when God is 'at work' in our own church? I'd rather be in a place where the BIble is preached, people's lives are changed, and they're active in their faith. Better to be in a "LIVE" Protestant church (even if it has some disagreeable doctrine or loud, obnoxious rock worship services), than a "DEAD" Catholic church. Besides, what is my dad and rest of the family, and all our Protestant friends going to think? They're going to freak!"

Grace is at work everywhere. Even the atheist is exposed to grace... but God CERTAINLY graces us more when we are obedient servants who are made open to His grace. So while God MAY be at work in your current church, there is the possibility (from the Catholic perspective, this is a reality rather than a possibility), that the Catholic church is where God's working in Christendom flows from... in other words, the grace you receive in your church is a partial grace of the wholeness which is available in the Catholic church. So asking this question is like asking a man in the sahara why he would go to the source of water when he could just drink out of this little shot glass right here...

As to whether your church is "alive" or not... that's a subjective definition. If transubstantiation is true (and from the Catholic Perspective) then the reality of life being available in the Catholic mass is more present than anything ever offered in any protestant church anywhere in the world... ever... and anywhere. Dont mistake "activity" for "life"

Second, there are protestant churches that are more somber, and there are catholic churches that are more... energetic. One only need to see the catholic charismatic churches to know that! Much depends on the "personality" of the community which is translated to it's parish. Have you been attending mass? Has she? Does she KNOW that all the masses in your area are somber, or is she regurgitating an old stereotype?

Quote:

"If God is REALLY calling you to become Catholic, then why isn't he calling ME? Doesn't God care more about family unity than 'being in the right church'"?

This is based on two premises we can probably agree are NOT assured:

1) That God is NOT calling her to be catholic
2) That this is exactly the right time for her to become catholic

We can't know the first one... only she can know that, and only if she is open to the call. But one thing is certain: your discerning the church may be the START of her calling to become catholic, and she has yet to become aware of it.

As to the second one, God walks us all through a spiritual journey, if we are open to Him. It may be that she has more growing and learning to do outside of the church before she is called to join... maybe she isn't personally ready yet, and God has more pruning to do before she's ready to feel the call to the church.

The best thing you can do, IMO, is to tell her that you're not going to try to convert her, but will hope that you inspire her to honestly research the faith, and that maybe one day she will feel that calling and you can help her get there (if, that is, you do end up discerning the church for yourself!)

Quote:

2. How do I become Catholic but also be gracious to family/friends who would object strongly?

There's going to be some conflict: Jesus warned us about that in the gospels... but tell people that you want to remain their friends, that you're still bound by a fundamental core of beliefs and a christian fellowship, and that they're always welcome to attend mass with you so they can see that it's NOT a boogeyman. Over time the conflict will die down, and those who are TRULY your friends will stay loyal to you as friends because they will see that you're still you (and hopefully a better, more grace-filled you as a result!), while those who are only associating with you because of the church will probably drop you like a bad habit the second you even mention that you're signing up for RCIA (and long before you have the chance to actually get confirmed!).

SurlyMermaid · #40 Aug 10, '12, 7:47 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gwendolen

I am going through some of the same too. I have always been the spiritual leader in my family...I understand and I will pray for the unity of your family.

I could have written, save for the 20something priest, EVERY SINGLE WORD!!!

Gwendolen · #41 Aug 10, '12, 8:32 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by SurlyMermaid

I could have written, save for the 20something priest, EVERY SINGLE WORD!!!

Thank you, around here 3 entire parishes have left the Episcopal Church, but I was not a part of those, (although my son's godmother belongs to one about 45 minutes away). I am the only person I know who left all by my lone.

dcarollo · #42 Sep 21, '12, 10:57 pm

Thanks all for your responses....
Had some further discussion today with my wife.

She has ALWAYS been fine with me merely "exploring" the depths of the Catholic tradition as sort of a self-enriching, detatched, academic or devotional way --- borrowing the "best of the best" of the tradition (including things we agree on, such as the orderliness of the liturgy, the church calendar, the contemplative life, confession, the bodily aspects of Catholic devotion, it's social teachings, its realistic approach to the role of reason and the sciences, etc.).

BUT: Once I started suggesting that Catholicism might actually be "TRUE", that's when things started to fall apart!

In her view -- as long as ALL Christians believe in the authority of scripture, believe in Jesus' redemption through grace --- there should be no such thing as a "TRUE" or "FALSE" denomination. Rather, we need to simply regard ourselves as part of the larger spiritual body of Christ --- and just work past our differences ---- which she believes really comes down to more of a matter of "style", rather than of "RIGHT or "WRONG".

She (admirably) wants everyone to just "get along", and focus on the biblical essentials.

SHe doesn't want to be told that she is somehow "missing out", when it seems that God is at work in amazing ways in numerous Protestant traditions. So, "why be Catholic?"

She says, if liturgy is what we want -- then why not just settle on a liturgical Anglican, Lutheran, or some other tradition? Eastern Orthodox might even be perhaps doable, but perhaps a bit of a stretch. However: "Anything BUT Catholic (or Episcopalian!)"