Baptizing my daughter even though I don't believe in God?

[Sarcelle]

Originally Posted by interestedman

My daughter was born a little while ago and my parents (as well as most of my extended family) are faithful Catholics. My mother wants my daughter to be baptized. I have no intention at all in raising my daughter in the Catholic church and will be teaching her things that go directly against Catholic teaching. Baptism would appease my parents and relatives though. Should I go through with it?

You are in the position of my parents. My parents are atheists but some members of their extended family are devout Catholics. My grandparents were the ones who had me baptized although I was later raised atheist by my parents. Of course my grandparents sought my parents' permission on the baptism and curiously enough they approved.

[TheRealJuliane]

Originally Posted by mr_handy

Interesting thread.

As the non-religious (and raised non-religious) spouse of a Catholic, I'm facing something somewhat similar. Unlike the OP, I'm not anti-religious; religion is just not something that's ever been part of my life, or appealed to me.

My wife is going to have our daughter baptized, and is very disappointed that I won't be participating; as far as I can see, I agreed to not to interfere with her raising our daughter Catholic, but it's neither appropriate nor necessary for me to be part of something where I'd be claiming something I'm not. Indeed, I suspect (as a non-Catholic, and indeed a non-baptized person) I probably can't be an active part of the ceremony.

No particular question here, as I'm pretty clear on the answer being that she needs to talk to the local priest here, and figure out how that's going to work -- but wanted to say this discussion's been helpful to read through.

Can you at least attend the baptism in support of your wife? You don't have to claim anything or recite a creed you don't believe, but being present would mean a lot to your wife and perhaps in future, your daughter.

[ThyKingdomCome]

Originally Posted by interestedman

I...told her that if my daughter was baptized it would be the last sacrament that she received from the Catholic church.

I don't know how closely your real conversation resembles what you wrote here, but if it is close, I think your issue may be communication style, more than content. A statement like this is quite confrontational and abrasive, particularly if it had not been precipitated by a lot of conversation.

She started crying and hung up on me.

If my child spoke so abruptly and abrasively, I would feel like I'd been punched in the gut. You know that this means a lot to her, so why not phrase it more gently. Why instead of putting it in terms of a confrontation (the last one I'll ever do), wouldn't you say something more like, "I have to be honest about my beliefs" or "I can't in good conscience lie to the priest and to you at a baptism and then raise my child not as a Catholic." To be honest, OP, the way you wrote that, sounds like you might have wanted to cause a reaction in your mother, not that you were hoping to soften the blow.

I don't know why she assumed I would raise my children in the church when I don't believe in it.

I read in another post that you had informed her that you had lost your faith, but I'm guessing this is not something that has been discussed much since? Well, parents are funny - we want what is best for our children. We have watched them NOT know what is best for themselves, and we have seen our children go through many phases and changes. Perhaps she thought that your loss of faith was a passing thing. Perhaps she expected that your faith would be awakened when you had a child. Most likely, she was hoping desperately that you would someday reclaim your faith because she knows it would be so valuable to you, not only in this life, but for your salvation. So if you weren't regularly discussing faith and philosophy with her, and you haven't given her indications that you weren't going to baptize your baby), then it is understandable that her hope might have been ignited.

Remember, from your perspective (that of the child, and that of a non-believer), you are simply forging your own path. From her perspective, you are rejecting God himself. You, the child who your mother nurtured in the womb and for all the years of your childhood...now your very salvation is at risk. Think of how much you love your new little one. Think of what you would sacrifice to save your little one (would you jump in front of a bus for her?). This is how your mom feels about you. Only she can't jump in front of this bus for you. She has to watch you stand in front of it with your new baby. Hell is a big deal to Catholics, at least those who understand their beliefs. Think of how hard that must be to watch your new little girl put herself in peril, and be helpless against it. This stuff is hard on parents. Be gentle with your parents, and cut them a little slack for being upset.

[ThyKingdomCome]

As for your extended family, communication again, is the key. The first time someone asks you about the baby and baptism, have a line prepared. Something like, "Wifey and I are not practicing Catholicism any more, and we aren't going to be raising Baby Catholic either, so we aren't having a baptism." Don't worry - you won't have to tell everyone. Word will get out. And if everyone in your family is too polite to spread the word, and you get a lot of questions, just repeat this answer. After all, in a couple of years, your daughter will be answering questions herself about church on Sunday and first communion - you can't hide from this forever. Time to gather up your courage, plan to speak kindly and clearly, and get communicating!

[mr_handy]

First, thanks everyone, for replying to my little side-note to the thread.

Originally Posted by achmafooma

There might be a role that you can play that you are comfortable with -- one where you don't promise anything or profess beliefs you don't have, but where you can still 'participate' at least in the sense of lending moral support to your wife. If nothing else, you can 'be there' even if you don't actively participate.

Originally Posted by TheRealJuliane

Can you at least attend the baptism in support of your wife? You don't have to claim anything or recite a creed you don't believe, but being present would mean a lot to your wife and perhaps in future, your daughter.

I certainly intend to be there for the baptism itself -- I just see my role being that of a guest rather than a participant.

It can't hurt to ask if there's a more active role I can take without being involved in the "religious" aspect of it, although I am going to leave the initial talk to the priest to her rather than coming along for the first meeting.

[Jade17]

First of all, congratulations! Oddly enough, my parents just brought baptism up to my fiancee and I (can you tell they're anxious for grandbabies!?). My parents are devout Roman catholics, my in-laws are southern baptists, I am an atheist, and my fiance is agnostic. We're quite a crew! The happy compromise we came to is that the child should decide. When our children ask questions about religion, we will answer honestly and only with what the religious text says (no opinions!). There will be no "hate talk" in our house, as we believe we learn nothing from it, and if they would like to go to church (no matter what one!) we'll be there. We told our parents we would be delighted to have them sign them up for church camps and to take them with them to church, on the terms that they were to also remain as objective as possible (no bashing other religions or lack thereof). If the child decided on their own to join a church, they would have our full support. Our parents seemed very happy with that, and we're happy to give our kids the opportunity to make an informed spiritual decision.