Good Influences for 6 year old

[sarikatodd]

I am having a moral dilemma, and am looking for some advice. Here’s the setup. My brother is an alcoholic and chain smoker. He lives with my parents. They live about 9 hrs drive from us and we will typically stay with them when we visit. We went to visit my parents with our 6 year old son. I told my brother he has to keep his smoking and drinking away from my child. As such, he went outside. After spending a few days there, my wife and I were on guard the whole time and it was incredibly stressful. The stress comes from knowing that my brother is always pushing limits. He followed my rules, but I was not confident that he was going to. Another problem is that you can smell the smoke, and I swear that there is some kind of funky alcohol smell coming out of his pores. The entire situation doesn’t feel right.
Ok, my parents and brother think that my wife and I are too over protective. They think that my son should not be sheltered from this because he has to learn about drugs and alcohol sooner or later. For the life of them, they can’t understand why this bothers me so much. Personally, I don’t understand how my son is better off now that he’s been exposed to this. He knows something’s “off” with his uncle. He behaves different from the rest of us and now is saying that uncle is his favorite because he’s cool. I’m one to think that in this day, when bad influences are all around us, it’s more important than ever to surround my son with positive influences.
I’m thinking of telling my family that we cannot stay with them unless one of the following happens:
My brother quits smoking and drinking
He moves out
I think both of these should happen. But, I know if I lay down the law in this regard, a storm the size of a hurricane will be headed my way. When my family wants their way, disagreeing with them will cause monumental fights. I will be accused of keeping my son away from his family and looking down my nose at them, amongst other things. Also, my wife will bear the brunt of the accusations. They believe she is influencing my stance because she doesn’t like them.
Am I out of line? Is it appropriate for me to draw a line in the sand? We stayed at a hotel last time, everyone was insulted and they think I’m strange for doing so. This time, we stayed with them, and I didn’t feel right the whole time. Any advice? I tried to summarize as much as possible to give you an idea of the situation without writing a dissertation. If more clarification is needed, I can add more.
Thanks in advance for the help.
TJH

[martinah]

Originally Posted by sarikatodd

I am having a moral dilemma, and am looking for some advice. Here’s the setup. My brother is an alcoholic and chain smoker. He lives with my parents. They live about 9 hrs drive from us and we will typically stay with them when we visit. We went to visit my parents with our 6 year old son. I told my brother he has to keep his smoking and drinking away from my child. As such, he went outside. After spending a few days there, my wife and I were on guard the whole time and it was incredibly stressful. The stress comes from knowing that my brother is always pushing limits. He followed my rules, but I was not confident that he was going to. Another problem is that you can smell the smoke, and I swear that there is some kind of funky alcohol smell coming out of his pores. The entire situation doesn’t feel right.
Ok, my parents and brother think that my wife and I are too over protective. They think that my son should not be sheltered from this because he has to learn about drugs and alcohol sooner or later. For the life of them, they can’t understand why this bothers me so much. Personally, I don’t understand how my son is better off now that he’s been exposed to this. He knows something’s “off” with his uncle. He behaves different from the rest of us and now is saying that uncle is his favorite because he’s cool. I’m one to think that in this day, when bad influences are all around us, it’s more important than ever to surround my son with positive influences.
I’m thinking of telling my family that we cannot stay with them unless one of the following happens:
My brother quits smoking and drinking
He moves out
I think both of these should happen. But, I know if I lay down the law in this regard, a storm the size of a hurricane will be headed my way. When my family wants their way, disagreeing with them will cause monumental fights. I will be accused of keeping my son away from his family and looking down my nose at them, amongst other things. Also, my wife will bear the brunt of the accusations. They believe she is influencing my stance because she doesn’t like them.
Am I out of line? Is it appropriate for me to draw a line in the sand? We stayed at a hotel last time, everyone was insulted and they think I’m strange for doing so. This time, we stayed with them, and I didn’t feel right the whole time. Any advice? I tried to summarize as much as possible to give you an idea of the situation without writing a dissertation. If more clarification is needed, I can add more.
Thanks in advance for the help.
TJH

OK. I am not a parent but I am an adult child of a former smoker and alcoholic and I can tell you that your first and only priority is to protect your child. No matter the fights, the inconvenience, the name calling and accusations of snobbery or whatever. Let them think you are whatever they want because I can tell you, without much hesitation, that your parents are classic enablers to your addictive brother. They are too enmeshed with him to be able to make good decisions about a lot of other things---like how to put a child's wellbeing before the addict.

You are hesitating to "draw a line". I say you are obliged to draw a line around your son and protect him. You have no other priority or loyalty that matters much as that which you owe your wife and son.

I know this is a difficult situation. You, no doubt love your parents and brother; continue to love them but do not live as though you condone their behavior. Decide to no longer be apart of that lie, and you will find making your wife and child a priority (no matter the consequences) will be a lot easier; you're not making a judgement on them, you are deciding that you need to live more honestly. In honesty, you know that condoning, or not setting up consequences for, your brothers addictive behavior is not in anyone's best interest--especially his and your son's. Do you want your child to grow up thinking that your brother's behavior is on the spectrum of "normal and healthy', or do you want him to know his uncle is sick and that he must love him but not tolerate the things his uncle does that are self-destructive? I know which life lesson I would want for my child to learn.

You want to be a healing and honest person, there is nothing wrong with that. Protect your son and love your family enough to be honest with them.

God Bless,
Martina

[sarikatodd]

Martina,
Well said. Thank you very much. For some reason, clear cut decisions have gotten blurry when my family is involved. We need prayers on this one.
TJH

[Allegra]

If you brother has agreed to refrain from smoking around you and your son and has demonstrated that he will keep the arangement, I would consider the problem solved. About half my siblings smoke as do my parents and they are all very loving people. While I detest smoking and require that it not be done within smelling distance, I would never inhibit a positive relationship between my children and their family over this insignifigant personal vice. A better solution would be to draw your brother aside and point out that his little nephew considers him to be "cool" and whether he wants to be or not, he is a role model. Ask him to consider what sort of message he is sending by smoking in front of him.
Alchohol is another issue. My family members drink, as do I, however, we don't drink to the point of intoxication. One can't put their children in a situation where they might be physically or emotionally harmed by a boorish drinker, so one has to use their own judgement in that situation. I would do everything possible to facilitate a relationship between my children and their family, however, when auntie starts becomeing pie-eyed, it's time to head home.

[AlTheCollegeGal]

Originally Posted by sarikatodd

I am having a moral dilemma, and am looking for some advice. Here’s the setup. My brother is an alcoholic and chain smoker. He lives with my parents. They live about 9 hrs drive from us and we will typically stay with them when we visit. We went to visit my parents with our 6 year old son. I told my brother he has to keep his smoking and drinking away from my child. As such, he went outside. After spending a few days there, my wife and I were on guard the whole time and it was incredibly stressful. The stress comes from knowing that my brother is always pushing limits. He followed my rules, but I was not confident that he was going to. Another problem is that you can smell the smoke, and I swear that there is some kind of funky alcohol smell coming out of his pores. The entire situation doesn’t feel right.
Ok, my parents and brother think that my wife and I are too over protective. They think that my son should not be sheltered from this because he has to learn about drugs and alcohol sooner or later. For the life of them, they can’t understand why this bothers me so much. Personally, I don’t understand how my son is better off now that he’s been exposed to this. He knows something’s “off” with his uncle. He behaves different from the rest of us and now is saying that uncle is his favorite because he’s cool. I’m one to think that in this day, when bad influences are all around us, it’s more important than ever to surround my son with positive influences.
I’m thinking of telling my family that we cannot stay with them unless one of the following happens:
My brother quits smoking and drinking
He moves out
I think both of these should happen. But, I know if I lay down the law in this regard, a storm the size of a hurricane will be headed my way. When my family wants their way, disagreeing with them will cause monumental fights. I will be accused of keeping my son away from his family and looking down my nose at them, amongst other things. Also, my wife will bear the brunt of the accusations. They believe she is influencing my stance because she doesn’t like them.
Am I out of line? Is it appropriate for me to draw a line in the sand? We stayed at a hotel last time, everyone was insulted and they think I’m strange for doing so. This time, we stayed with them, and I didn’t feel right the whole time. Any advice? I tried to summarize as much as possible to give you an idea of the situation without writing a dissertation. If more clarification is needed, I can add more.
Thanks in advance for the help.
TJH

Hi, I think that what you are feeling shows that you are a wonderful and concerned parent. I believe that your actions are perfectly sound, for a parent's number one priority for their children is to protect their health, physical, mental, and spiritual. I commend you on your devotion to your son, and I have a suggestion about how to address your son's fixation with his uncle's "coolness." I think that you should have a long talk with your son about why smoking and drinking are bad. Don't just tell him that you disagree with it; I think that the allure of "cool" comes from the knowledge that something is forbidden. I believe that if you talk with your son about how someone could get very sick, both mentally and physically from abusing substances such as alcohol and cigarettes. Remind him of how yucky he felt the last time he was sick and how much better he feels now that he is healthy. Show him that it is very "cool" to feel good, and that abuse of drugs lessen one's capacity to feel good about oneself. The most important thing is that your son understands your concern, and knows that his dad cares very much for him. He should know that his dad disapproves of what his uncle is doing because it is not "cool" whatsoever, and is in fact, detrimental towards the health of oneself and those around one. Hopefully, you may be able to explain this better to a six year old than my lengthy reply... God bless.

[sarikatodd]

A little more info. Its not as if he's totally intoxicated the entire time. This would be easy if he were crazy drunk, but he's a functional drunk. He's drinking a beer all day long and he has to have it everyday. I'm guessing no less than a 6 pack a day. He's not abstaining from smoking and drinking while we're there, he's just doing it outside.
I drink on occassion as well. But it seems to me its a problem when you must have it every day. I'm not saying he's a bad person for having vices, I have my own too.
He's also always pushing the limits of what should and shouldn't be said in front of a child. He enjoys figuring out how far he can go before I say something. Its quite tiring, especially when I'm supposed to be on vacation.
No one else in my family see's anything wrong with what's going on. I'm on an island on this, hence why I'm here soliciting advice. I appreciate everyone's point of view.

[Aggies08]

I believe the simplest solution is for you to stay in a hotel. This would limit the time you need to be "on guard," as well as being able to meet outside the home, if warranted, or at least attempting to give your brother the choice to clean up for your visits.

[Z1Z2]

Were I you, I would stay in the hotel. If the family gave me a hard time, I would probably pull out the "dangers of second hand smoke" card and protecting my son's health.

It does not matter whether uncle smokes outside. If your son is around his uncle, he'll be exposed to the effects of the smoking. Thus, I would stay at the hotel to minimize the exposure.

[martinah]

Originally Posted by sarikatodd

A little more info. Its not as if he's totally intoxicated the entire time. This would be easy if he were crazy drunk, but he's a functional drunk. He's drinking a beer all day long and he has to have it everyday. I'm guessing no less than a 6 pack a day. He's not abstaining from smoking and drinking while we're there, he's just doing it outside.
I drink on occassion as well. But it seems to me its a problem when you must have it every day. I'm not saying he's a bad person for having vices, I have my own too.
He's also always pushing the limits of what should and shouldn't be said in front of a child. He enjoys figuring out how far he can go before I say something. Its quite tiring, especially when I'm supposed to be on vacation.
No one else in my family see's anything wrong with what's going on. I'm on an island on this, hence why I'm here soliciting advice. I appreciate everyone's point of view.

We all have our vices, but both of his can kill himself or others. BTW, all alcoholics are "functional drunks". In fact, some, like my dad, excel in their careers; its the inter-personal stuff that they lack skill in. You mentioned him pushing the limits of what can be said around your son,that sounds like typical selfish, childish "what can I get away with" thinking that is typical of an alcoholic. They have usually great minds that they use to rationalize, excuse and minimize their culpability and behavior. My dad was great at finding loopholes in "rules" and when he got tired of his own game, he just reverted to blaming others.

I totally relate when you say family can make even simple things seem unclear-the ties that bind eh?

[Allegra]

I agree with the other posters. If your brother is pushing the limits, than stay in a hotel. He can still see you family without you having to coexist under the same roof. Plus you will probably have a pool and continental breakfast.

[martinah]

Originally Posted by Allegra

I agree with the other posters. If your brother is pushing the limits, than stay in a hotel. He can still see you family without you having to coexist under the same roof. Plus you will probably have a pool and continental breakfast.

[ThyKingdomCome]

Agreed about the hotel. Also, if they're giving you a hard time about it, don't accept that gift. In other words, do not engage that conversation. Examples of non-engaging phrases are:
"This is what we do, discussion is over. So how about the weather?"
"Anyway......" (with the tone that says it is time to change the topic)
"We've already discussed this. I'm not going to argue. You don't have to agree with my decision, but you need to respect it. So how about the weather?"
"Would you like to argue about where we sleep, or would you like to have a nice time visiting with us?....so how about the weather?"
You pick which one goes better with your family, or come up with your own. Just don't engage the argument. You don't need to convince them or seek their approval. Chances are, they'll get used to it after you do it a couple of times, and then it will just be "the way it is."

[sarikatodd]

Thanks y'all. You're like a support group.