advice needed for new parents

NSFrame · #1 Jul 10, '12, 10:02 am

I am concerned about DH and I being on the same page regarding raising our daughter.

The biggest issue right now is around his language at home, which he needs to clean up. It's not horrible, but he comes out with the a-word and the f-word every so often, plus uses words I think are inappropriate for bodily functions. At first I was saying something every time he messed up, but finally I told him that we needed to have a consensus around what words she will and will not hear at home so that it's not just me scolding him all the time. Well, he said he did agree with me and that he would stop swearing. But, he contines to
"accidentally" swear, or swear when she's "asleep" (just because she is in the back seat riding quietly does not mean she is guaranteed to be asleep).

I do not want to be put in the position of nagging or scolding, I want him to be committed to this. There are a few other things that follow the same lines that we are at odds over, such as his modesty at home. Advice? Advice from experienced fathers would especially be appreciated.

FullOfThought · #2 Jul 10, '12, 10:13 am

One of my girlfriends has this exact problem so she asked her husband to choose something that she did that he wanted her to change aswell. They decided that neither of them were allowed swear and neither of them was allowed to leave glasses, cup, plates laying around and everytime they do, they put money is a jar and every week they add that money to their church donation.

It works very well with her husband as he does not like 'giving money away' and everytime he swears its a dollar

Think something like this would work for you?

Chiltepin · #3 Jul 10, '12, 1:40 pm

Ok so I am not an experienced father (as you asked) I am an expectant mother.

My husband uses some colorful language and so do I. I know I need to stop and don't think it will be a problem. I have worried about his ability to stop, which is hippocritical yes.

Then I stopped worrying. A friend of his was visiting us and mentioned how horrible his neighbor is about cursing at his children. Example: "Don't take G-- D--- M--- F---ing attitude with me you little F--er and why do you have blue SH-- all over your mouth?"

I brought it up later alone with my husband and I asked, is that going to be you? (His casual cursing is nowhere near that bad). He was like seriously? I would never curse at our kids, unless they have blue sh-- -- all over their mouth.

I had a good laugh and realized that it isn't going to be a problem. If your daughter is born already and he still has sort of a problem with his mouth, maybe the right counter-example will cross his path soon so he can evaluate what he does and doesn't want to be.

gardenswithkids · #4 Jul 11, '12, 5:28 am

Do you see the problem as his swearing in general or is your only concern swearing around your child? Did your dh swear prior to your marriage? What type of language is he around when he's not home?

Changing this speach pattern will be especially hard for your dh if he's surrounded by other people who swear--for instance, if he hears a lot of swearing from his co-workers and/or his friends. As you realize from your concerns about your daughter's language, we pick up vocabulary words from our environment. That applies to everyone, not just babies.

Swearing has the nasty effect of limiting vocabulary and word choice. Swear words replace more appropriate language choices and better nouns, verbs, adjectives and phrases of all kinds . He needs to re-learn or learn for the first time different vocabulary words to choose instead of swear words. Because all humans aquire language from those around them, it might help if you make an effort to expand your own vocabulary. Use colorful language and expressions that don't involve swearing so that your husband can enlarge his vocabulary. You find--and use-- words and phrases that he could use around his friends without embarrassment for his lack of swearing.

It might not eliminate all his swearing, but it will help non-swear words come to his mind sooner if you make efforts to enlarge your own vocabulary and make you home a language rich environment.

RedSoxWife · #5 Jul 11, '12, 7:36 am

It's definitely something I would start working on sooner rather than later. As someone who thought it was really cool to swear at around 18 (it wasn't a pretty phase!) I can say that it can be hard to give up saying words once they become a reflexive part of your vocabulary. And that's probably something that he'd want to work on sooner rather than after it's become a problem with your little one copying what's being said.

NSFrame · #6 Jul 11, '12, 11:54 am

His swearing is not that bad in the context of what is considered "normal" nowadays. It almost always comes out when he's annoyed or angry at something - he doesn't toss it around like a lot of people (although he will toss it around when he's just with his buddies). Both of us are well-educated and have very good vocabularies. I was raised to never, ever use anything even approaching a swear and I know my conversation is more interesting as an adult because my diction is interesting. (Although I also went through a phase of using bad language in college, but it was easy to quit once I realized how bad it made me look.)

I think he thinks I'm being an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud about many parenting issues...yet at the same time he agrees (verbally at least) with me on most things. That's the problem - before she was born it seemed like we were on the same page, but now that the rubber is hitting the road, he doesn't seem to believe in it.

I guess the real question is - how do you build parenting consensus beyond just lip service? Most guys do not like to be told what to do (it's an exercise in futility). I don't want to order him to do things, I want us to agree on some of these issues.

akela135 · #7 Jul 11, '12, 12:02 pm

As I'm not a parent I can't give parental advice exactly but I do have a story you might share. While swimming in my apartment's pool last week I was sharing the water with a mom and her son. He looked to be about 2. He was barely able to talk, just words and small phrases. While playing he started chanting "My f***ing dad" in a happy fun voice. His mom tried to shush him and asked "Where did you hear that?" but he just chanted it some more. You might remind your husband kids pick these words up quickly and ask how he'd feel if your DD would blurt them out at random when she was still to young to fully understand.

NSFrame · #8 Jul 11, '12, 12:18 pm

Yup, I have told him these things and he agrees with me every time. Yet he still continues to "slip up". That tells me he doesn't really, really feel strongly about it. I can't figure out how to get him to commit for real.

sainthumbert · #9 Jul 15, '12, 11:32 am

If he says he is slipping up, he probably is just slipping up. If this is the biggest problem in your marriage, you have got a great marriage. If he is an otherwise great husband and father, give the poor guy a break. Just ask him once in a while to try to remember not to use that kind of language. After making the request, drop the issue, and change the subject.

Englishguy1988 · #10 Jul 15, '12, 1:07 pm

I hope you don't mind me commenting here as I'm not a parent (or even married) but for me personally as a guy I find I'm more open to suggestions rather than being told what to do so maybe you could try wording it differently for example "watch your language around the baby", "what have i told you about swearing around her" etc will probably be pecieved as confrontation and be met with a defensive attitude even if he agrees with you (especially as you said he only swears when he's stressed as most people dont think as clearly as they could normally when they are in high stress situations) where as "honey I know its hard but could you try and not swear around the baby we don't want her learning that kind of language do we?" and then thanking him or something similar will be met with less resistance as you said you realise its hard for him but its in his daughters best intrested and you know he's trying to do whats best for her (even if he does slip up sometimes) and not just you telling him what to do and by thanking him he will feel as though you respect him as a partener in raising your daughter together rather than you nagged AT him and your in charge when it comes to your little one if that makes sense?

You could also couple this up with the swearbox idea too which would probably make it more effective

Monicad · #11 Jul 16, '12, 6:18 am

Part of the problem from your husband's perspective may be that your daughter is very young (per your post only a three-month-old infant) so your husband probably cannot "see" at this time why this is such a big problem.

If he is really working on it then I would give him credit and it sounds like you are! Hopefully he will totally stop by the time she is a little older. I can tell you a funny story we didn't swear around our children but once in a while one would "slip" out. Well my husband dropped something and said "SH*T" out loud....well do you know my two-year old started running around saying "sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t" and laughing right after my husband said it.

That was a wake up call! Immediately all foul language in the home ceased and as far as I know it that was the last slip up! Hope that helps a little!

katolsk · #12 Jul 17, '12, 4:36 am

I don't curse around my kids, but I have taught them some bad words and what they mean and that they will here them from other kids.

It's trashy/low class for any male to use certain language around ladies or girls period. Probably pretty normal to let a word fly in a fit of anger or (my vice) when driving.