Fight with my mom

[iloveGod143]

I got into a huge argument with my mother and I'm feeling really upset about the whole thing. It was Sunday, and I went to the pool to lay out with my sister, and when I got home my mom asked me if I could go to the baby store to get some pj's for my newborn neice (pj's to stay at our house, for when she comes over).. My mother has a habit of asking for favors or running errands last minute or at bad times. I was going to go, but than she started complaining about how much she's cleaning (as usual), and other things. When she complains she doesn't stop. She than started saying "when you get married we'll do it for u" something along that line.. Than she said "if you get married" not sure if that's the exact wording but that's what she meant .. And she always says that bc I haven't met anyone yet, and she thinks bc I don't wear a lot of makeup or tight/ revealing clothes that guys won't want me. She does tell me I'm very pretty and have a nice body, but it still hurts bc she puts me down. I'm also shy around people I don't know and overall kind of shy, and she said "u don't know how to talk to people. u don't knw anything" she just kept talking and talking and that's when I bursted out and started yelling, I was walking out so I could go get the baby clothes, and as soon as I was about to leave (we were still arguing as I was walking out) she put her hand up as if she was gona hit me, so I hit her hand back and I think it hit her face a little but I didn't hit it hard, but I still feel horrible. To make matters worse, my dad just came home and saw me walking out upset and yelling, so he asked what's wrong and my mom was right there also . I said she started a fight , and than my dad got mad at my mom and started yelling .. Bc my mom does start fights a lot and pushes people's buttons until they get angry, and than she blames them. I love my mom, but that's how she is. She never takes fault or blame for anything. She than started to blame me for my dad getting mad at her. It's a big mess, and now I just feel so upset about it and I cry when I think about it. I'm going to talk to a priest about this, but in the meantime what are all of your thoughts?

[adrift]

Your mom sounds a lot like mine.

At your age I probably wouldn't be able to understand. At my age I realize that my mother was human who did what she did for many reasons.

She would hurt me and I would just cry silently.

One day she said something that hurt my feelings and I told her. She was shocked because she was totally unaware of how I felt. I learned that she didn't mean it the way I took it.

I am sorry I didin't learn sooner that she didn't things the way I thought she meant them. It was only ten years before she died at 87.

God Bless You and I wish you well. I will say a prayer for you.

[Trebor135]

Originally Posted by adrift

Your mom sounds a lot like mine.

At your age I probably wouldn't be able to understand. At my age I realize that my mother was human who did what she did for many reasons.

She would hurt me and I would just cry silently.

One day she said something that hurt my feelings and I told her. She was shocked because she was totally unaware of how I felt. I learned that she didn't mean it the way I took it.

I am sorry I didin't learn sooner that she didn't things the way I thought she meant them.

This is eerily reminiscent of a situation I've recently dealt with. (My mom and I had a huge blow-up more than a fortnight ago, then an argument a week later, and it came out that I hadn't realized my mom was joking when she had said certain things in the preceding months and years.)

So, I also recommend letting your mom know how she has hurt you--there may be some missing piece of the puzzle that will make her conduct more understandable/reasonable.

Jesus, please bring good out of this huge domestic hiccup.

[iloveGod143]

Thank you for your responses! God bless you both. I should probably sit and talk to my mom about it, but it's not easy talking to my mom because she overreacts about so much and gets too emotional. Plus, I don't even care if she wants to say these things and hurt my feelings... I can take it. But, I am only human when I giver her attitude and/or yell at her. Than she turns around and makes me look like the bad guy.. which does look that way, but I know in my heart that I'm not. She is the type of person who will never change, and she always justifies everything she does and never thinks she's wrong. She has said a lot of times that she tells me this stuff because she loves me, so I know she doesn't mean any harm. However, I know that she knows it hurts my feelings, but she doesn't know a better way to say things. So, there's no use in talking about it with her. I guess the only thing I can do is change myself and try to get along with her and just do what she wants, even though I can't help but get annoyed or yell at times. Please pray for me. Thank you and God bless you all!

[Et Cetera]

Maybe just spend some time away from your mom to let things cool down. It really does sound like she was the instigator here.

[lifeandhope]

Originally Posted by iloveGod143

Thank you for your responses! God bless you both. I should probably sit and talk to my mom about it, but it's not easy talking to my mom because she overreacts about so much and gets too emotional. Plus, I don't even care if she wants to say these things and hurt my feelings... I can take it. But, I am only human when I giver her attitude and/or yell at her. Than she turns around and makes me look like the bad guy.. which does look that way, but I know in my heart that I'm not. She is the type of person who will never change, and she always justifies everything she does and never thinks she's wrong. She has said a lot of times that she tells me this stuff because she loves me, so I know she doesn't mean any harm. However, I know that she knows it hurts my feelings, but she doesn't know a better way to say things. So, there's no use in talking about it with her. I guess the only thing I can do is change myself and try to get along with her and just do what she wants, even though I can't help but get annoyed or yell at times. Please pray for me. Thank you and God bless you all!

I have always had an extremely difficult relationship with my mom. I don't want to say much and be dishonoring, but suffice it to say I had a difficult childhood, my Dad himself helped me to find a place to move into when I was 19 (and of course he visited constantly--he and I were super close until his death three years ago), and my interactions with my mom are still extremely painful for me.

Something I have learned through all of this is that I cannot change another person. I have tried in so many ways and forms to communicate my heart, feelings, and thoughts only to be further misunderstood. This has been the most painful relationship in my life. I have had to set and maintain strict boundaries, and my husband's perspective helps me to see the truth when I have difficultly discerning a situation. It has taken me years to (almost) get over thinking I am a terrible, worthless, unlovalbe person.

The best you can do at this point is to pray and offer up your hurt to Jesus. Do your utmost to be honoring to your mother--think of it as honoring the position of motherhood, rather than your mother herself--if that helps. Try to disengage before you lose your cool. It may be that you need to contemplate moving out, also (I'm not sure how old you are).

Above all, remember that regardless of what anyone says--even your own mother--you ARE lovable and worthy, and God Himself loves you has His Own beautiful child.

[Catholic80]

Originally Posted by iloveGod143

I got into a huge argument with my mother and I'm feeling really upset about the whole thing. It was Sunday, and I went to the pool to lay out with my sister, and when I got home my mom asked me if I could go to the baby store to get some pj's for my newborn neice (pj's to stay at our house, for when she comes over).. My mother has a habit of asking for favors or running errands last minute or at bad times. I was going to go, but than she started complaining about how much she's cleaning (as usual), and other things. When she complains she doesn't stop. She than started saying "when you get married we'll do it for u" something along that line.. Than she said "if you get married" not sure if that's the exact wording but that's what she meant .. And she always says that bc I haven't met anyone yet, and she thinks bc I don't wear a lot of makeup or tight/ revealing clothes that guys won't want me. She does tell me I'm very pretty and have a nice body, but it still hurts bc she puts me down. I'm also shy around people I don't know and overall kind of shy, and she said "u don't know how to talk to people. u don't knw anything" she just kept talking and talking and that's when I bursted out and started yelling, I was walking out so I could go get the baby clothes, and as soon as I was about to leave (we were still arguing as I was walking out) she put her hand up as if she was gona hit me, so I hit her hand back and I think it hit her face a little but I didn't hit it hard, but I still feel horrible. To make matters worse, my dad just came home and saw me walking out upset and yelling, so he asked what's wrong and my mom was right there also . I said she started a fight , and than my dad got mad at my mom and started yelling .. Bc my mom does start fights a lot and pushes people's buttons until they get angry, and than she blames them. I love my mom, but that's how she is. She never takes fault or blame for anything. She than started to blame me for my dad getting mad at her. It's a big mess, and now I just feel so upset about it and I cry when I think about it. I'm going to talk to a priest about this, but in the meantime what are all of your thoughts?

Yes, I think you should talk to a priest, and perhaps a therapist about your relationship with your mother.

Anger is a sign that we are being hurt. It's a sign that someone has overstepped their boundaries. Your mom has no right to yell at you or put you down or verbally abuse you. I don't know how old you are, but it makes it more difficult to set boundaries with your mother if you are at home and under 18.
If you are an adult, I would simply tell my mother that I am not going to listen to her rant, and leave the room. This will probably ignite her further, but what you are doing is not allowing her to hurt you. You should also set up internal boundaries as well. If you are in a situation where you can't get away, then you need to stop and think, "It's her, not me. And she is spewing lies (the insults, complaining, etc)." Christ wouldn't act like that. When you think about how Christ would act, you are acknowledging truth. Don't let her lies poison you. Don't respond either. The best thing to do is to remain silent. Arguing back doesn't help, but only makes you guilty now as well. If you remain silent, all the while remembering, "what my mother is saying is NOT the truth," you have taken control of yourself and of the situation.... something she cannot do.

Don't beat yourself up too hard. Anger is a normal and human response to someone criticizing, yelling, complaining, etc.

[tabycat]

You sound as if you're young enough to be my grandkid. My mom was a bit of the 'Jewish mother type' (a talker), and, at times, our relationship was rough at times. Talking to a priest should help, even if it's only to get help to get a therapist. If there is a time and place where you and your mother is less likely to argue try to taik to her. Try to act as mature as you can.

[Cupcake143]

Talk to your mother about any issues you have and/or about this fight.