Anyone Ever Acted as Matchmaker for Their Kids? - Page 2

TrueLight · #16 Jun 10, '12, 4:13 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baelor

Is your family in a position in which you do not feel confident that your children can find a spouse or come to you on their own initiative? If not, why play matchmaker?

I don't know what you mean by that question. What kind of position would we be in?

My kids are gorgeous and smart. As I said before, we get along. There are no underlying issues that would prevent them from finding spouses on their own when they're old enough. They are still on the young side. There is nothing to analyze here.

Like I said, I want the best for my kids. Is there something wrong with keeping an eye out for them? Especially, if I run across a nice, young, practicing Catholic?

They also happen to trust their Mom's intuition.

Ultimately, they will make their own decision.

TrueLight · #17 Jun 10, '12, 4:18 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blenderx

It can work... sometimes. My sister in law, I believe, was set up with her husband by their parents. They saw each other every day at daily Mass, but didn't have the nerve to actually talk to each other, so their parents took the initiative. I don't think they pushed or anything, just introduced them. They are an excellent match.

My MIL paid for my husbands subscription to Ave Maria Singles (he was still a teenager), where we met, because she wanted him to meet another Catholic. So in a way, she helped get us together!

Tread carefully, whatever you do.

Good examples. I'm more thinking along those lines.

Luna Lovecraft · #18 Jun 10, '12, 5:09 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by TrueLight

I want nothing but the best for my children. As I get older I see the wisdom in arranged marriages.

Well, that's not going to happen, but I plan to keep my eye open for young men and young women of good character for my kids.

Am I crazy?

Are you concerned that your children will not meet people of good character without your help? What do your children say? Do they welcome your matchmaking input? If they're old enough to date, they're old enough to have a say in this.

Are you willing to listen to your kids about their romantic preferences? If they are not interested in dating someone of a particular race, appearance, religion, or political persuasion, are you going to be Okay with helping them look for people you wouldn't have chosen, even if you think your kids are misguided in their preferences? If you've helped and helped and helped and they end up with someone you didn't have a hand in them meeting, are you going to be resesentful?

If they welcome your input/assistance, fine. Negotiate your role in their romantic lives with them and go for it. If they do not want your input/assistance, you need - for the sake of your relationship with your kids - to back off. And even if they initially welcome your help, you need to back off if/when they tell you they no longer need it.

Just make sure your motives are coming from the right place (e.g., you're not trying to be over-controlling of your (soon-to-be) adult children's lives.). You need to be honest with yourself - brutally honest - about that.

And I'm with BEL, paying for a subscription to a dating site is one thing. "Checking out" other people's family and friends on behalf of your (soon-to-be) adult children could run you the risk of sending the message that: you think your children have bad judgement; or you're an interfering busybody. Don't forget that romance is a two-way relationship. Your kids will be discerning other people, but those people also will be discerning you guys. If some mom started coming around checking me and my husband out because she thought my girl might be good for her son, I'd advise my daughter to run a mile or risk being saddled with a mother-in-law who didn't know when to quit.

Luna

Chuck65 · #19 Jun 10, '12, 6:21 am

I have a son that is of the age to begin thinking of finding a mate. We have had discussions about this several times He has been in a situation that I feel is not good for him and I have told him why I feel this way. He chose to continue the relationship at that time, but he did seem to think more about it. It has spluttered out on it's own after a time, but if I had interferred he may have been driven to hang on to prove me wrong. I regret that when he was younger I did not spend enough time talking with him about the importance of this decision and how much it mattered that he chose extremely carefully. It is a mistake I will not make with his younger brother. I would not presume to try to choose for them, but I feel it is my responsibility to give them as many tools as I can to enable them to choose a spouse wisely.

Iheartcoffee · #20 Jun 10, '12, 8:02 am

I don't think it is a bad idea to present options as long as the parents do not try to force any relationships that the child does not want. Sometimes friends and family can see more of the big picture of compatibility.

TrueLight · #21 Jun 10, '12, 1:40 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iheartcoffee

I don't think it is a bad idea to present options as long as the parents do not try to force any relationships that the child does not want. Sometimes friends and family can see more of the big picture of compatibility.

TrueLight · #22 Jun 10, '12, 1:50 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Luna Lovecraft

Are you concerned that your children will not meet people of good character without your help? What do your children say? Do they welcome your matchmaking input? If they're old enough to date, they're old enough to have a say in this.

I know that when emotions are involved, it is hard to see the big picture.

[quote]Are you willing to listen to your kids about their romantic preferences?[quote]

Oh of course. Any mate they choose is their decision and their is nothing I can do about it but give advice.

Quote:

If they are not interested in dating someone of a particular race, appearance, religion, or political persuasion, are you going to be Okay with helping them look for people you wouldn't have chosen, even if you think your kids are misguided in their preferences?

Yes. I am a more interested in helping them find a moral person with good character. Obviously I will advise them to choose a Christian man.

Quote:

If you've helped and helped and helped and they end up with someone you didn't have a hand in them meeting, are you going to be resesentful?

Of course not.

Quote:

If they welcome your input/assistance, fine. Negotiate your role in their romantic lives with them and go for it. If they do not want your input/assistance, you need - for the sake of your relationship with your kids - to back off. And even if they initially welcome your help, you need to back off if/when they tell you they no longer need it.

Quote:

Just make sure your motives are coming from the right place (e.g., you're not trying to be over-controlling of your (soon-to-be) adult children's lives.). You need to be honest with yourself - brutally honest - about that.

My intentions are good. Trust me, I am counting the years when I don't have to tell my kids what to do.

Quote:

. If some mom started coming around checking me and my husband out because she thought my girl might be good for her son, I'd advise my daughter to run a mile or risk being saddled with a mother-in-law who didn't know when to quit.

You wouldn't know.

I will advise my kids to pay careful attention to any potential mate's family, siblings etc as they become exposed to the family.

In any case, I enjoyed answering your questions because they made things clearer for me in my mind.

austenbosten · #23 Jun 10, '12, 2:14 pm

I don't see anything wrong, if anything. Look at what our "Real Love" marriages have produced in this nation.

40-50% divorce rates as opposed to 4% with arranged marriages.

Crescentinus · #24 Jun 10, '12, 7:28 pm

I'd support the idea if my family understands my interests instead of looking down on those things.

ShanaA1984 · #25 Jun 10, '12, 7:45 pm

I personally don't see a problem with offering advice when it comes to choosing a mate. Frankly if my parents cared about who I married or didn't I would be in a much diffent place than I am now (granted I have never been married but I am a single parent). But sadly my parents really don't care and never have.

Mary Gail 36 · #26 Jun 11, '12, 12:17 pm

We are friends with a couple who met because his mother and her mother said, "Hey our kids should meet."

They met, and got married, still married 12 years later.

Cristiano · #27 Jun 11, '12, 12:27 pm

I think that parents should be heavily involved with their children lives, including the choice of a partner. However, parents should realize that when it comes to a partner for their children the have absolutely no veto power and that is very good. Involvement must come at early ages like puberty and adolescence, discussions about behaviors and how to detect red flags must be started as soon a s possible.

shainski · #28 Jun 11, '12, 12:36 pm

I think you could pull it off, if you didn't look like you were setting them up.

If you provided an opportunity where they could meet each other - perhaps with introductions - but nothing more - than they might not realize your hand in it. I would have resisted and declined this kind of interference from my own mother.

Even during my single period - the thing I despised the most about blind dates - was the report afterwards. Somebody arranged the meeting - and that somebody was interested in how the date went. I just hated having to tell somebody else whether or not i was interested or not - or whether it was a fun date. Truthfully, i often didn't know how i felt until i had been on several dates with someone.

So, if you can arrange the meeting, and then stay out of it totally, you might have a chance.