Did I honor my mother?

[filiaecclesia]

Good morning:

I need some perspective!

I'm struggling with a lot of guilt in regard to my relationship with my mother, who died a few weeks ago. Often questions about "honoring" our parents involve an adult child who is filled with guilt over their relationship with a "difficult" or abusive parent. My situation is different in that my mom was difficult, but not abusive.

She was a very passive, gentle, timid person. She had a difficult life in many ways, my father divorced her when my sister and I were young, etc. For the last 20 years she lived with a friend, another elderly woman, who was sometimes difficult for my mom to cope with. My mom could have moved into her own apartment, but chose not to. I've always lived within an hour of her and while raising my own three children and handling my own challenges and so on, tried to help her and included her in our lives.

At the beginning of the year, she came to live with us after fracturing several vertibrae. We then discovered she had Alzheimer's disease. I took care of her very intensively for the last three months of her life, and she died here at our home.

My difficulty comes from looking back on life and seeing that since my mid-teens I felt our roles were reversed, that I "took care" of her, and she wanted me to. She was very dependent. And I resented this, but nevertheless took the more adult role in her life, more so as she aged.

I feel guilty because I didn't always act out of love but out of obligation to my mother, and perhaps I wasn't as solicitous of her as I should have been considering she didn't have a husband. A relative just told me it is on my head that my mom didn't have a happier life, and it is hard to think I was responsible for this.

If anyone has thoughts on the limits and extent of how we honor our parents as we ourselves live our lives and responsibilities, I would be so grateful!.

All good.

[Monicad]

Please accept my condolonces for your loss. Clearly you loved and honored your mother! You were a big part of her life and took her under your roof during her last days and loved her until the end, what a precious gift.

Pardon me, but whatever relative told you that it was "on your head" that your mom didn't have a happier life said something very evil to you. Please ignore and avoid this person at all costs. Dear one you are not responsible for anyone's happiness. True happiness and fulfullment comes in a deep relationship with Jesus Christ, without God our lives have an emptiness that no person can fill no matter how wonderful they are. Your actions toward your mother out of obligation were loving, do not separate love from obligation. Just because you didn't "feel" loving all the time when doing things for your mother does not mean it was not a loving thing to do. Love is a decision not an emotion. Anyone can "feel" loving and give someone a hug or do something nice for them....but true love comes when you don't "feel" like it and you do it anyway, a deliberate decision to do something out of Christian obligation is a very deep kind of love although the secular world would have us see it differently.

Please be assured of my prayers at this time in your life I am so sorry you lost your mother and hope you find comfort. Please take care as best as you can.

[Serap]

Originally Posted by filiaecclesia

Good morning:

I need some perspective!

I'm struggling with a lot of guilt in regard to my relationship with my mother, who died a few weeks ago. Often questions about "honoring" our parents involve an adult child who is filled with guilt over their relationship with a "difficult" or abusive parent. My situation is different in that my mom was difficult, but not abusive.

She was a very passive, gentle, timid person. She had a difficult life in many ways, my father divorced her when my sister and I were young, etc. For the last 20 years she lived with a friend, another elderly woman, who was sometimes difficult for my mom to cope with. My mom could have moved into her own apartment, but chose not to. I've always lived within an hour of her and while raising my own three children and handling my own challenges and so on, tried to help her and included her in our lives.

At the beginning of the year, she came to live with us after fracturing several vertibrae. We then discovered she had Alzheimer's disease. I took care of her very intensively for the last three months of her life, and she died here at our home.

My difficulty comes from looking back on life and seeing that since my mid-teens I felt our roles were reversed, that I "took care" of her, and she wanted me to. She was very dependent. And I resented this, but nevertheless took the more adult role in her life, more so as she aged.

I feel guilty because I didn't always act out of love but out of obligation to my mother, and perhaps I wasn't as solicitous of her as I should have been considering she didn't have a husband. A relative just told me it is on my head that my mom didn't have a happier life, and it is hard to think I was responsible for this.

If anyone has thoughts on the limits and extent of how we honor our parents as we ourselves live our lives and responsibilities, I would be so grateful!.

All good.

NO NO NO!!! God and the angels in Heaven are looking upon you with the same love you showed your mother. Your kindness and nurturing also will go a long way to teach your own children the importance of looking after family. You are a wonderful daughter and role model to your children.

No one wants to take care of an elderly person. It's hard work and it's natural to feel resentment. Anyone in your position would feel obligation and resentment.

Do not feel guilty. You gave your mother a death of dignity. You didn't throw her in a cold and lonely facility. You nutured her and cared for her in her time of need. Your mother is so thankful for that. She is now with the angels in Heaven looking down on you with love.

[Serap]

Originally Posted by Monicad

Pardon me, but whatever relative told you that it was "on your head" that your mom didn't have a happier life said something very evil to you. Please ignore and avoid this person at all costs. Dear one you are not responsible for anyone's happiness. True happiness and fulfullment comes in a deep relationship with Jesus Christ, without God our lives have an emptiness that no person can fill no matter how wonderful they are.

I agree. This relative is abusive and toxic. Verbal toxins are just that...they belong in life's sewers.

[exoflare]

Originally Posted by filiaecclesia

I feel guilty because I didn't always act out of love but out of obligation to my mother

What's the difference?

[exoflare]

Originally Posted by Serap

I agree. This relative is abusive and toxic. Verbal toxins are just that...they belong in life's sewers.

[Loboto-Me]

I agree with exoflare... What's the difference between obligation and love? Love is a CHOICE and an ACTION. Do you remember the nights that one of the babies would just cry and cry and you were tired and needed rest? You certainly didn't always FEEL love at that very moment, yet you rocked that baby and did everything in your power to make that baby feel better. Yes, you did it because you needed him/her to sleep so you could sleep but you were ACTING the love that you just didn't feel at that moment,

You honoured your mother, and you loved her, let go of the doubt.

[Serap]

Originally Posted by Loboto-Me

I agree with exoflare... What's the difference between obligation and love? Love is a CHOICE and an ACTION. Do you remember the nights that one of the babies would just cry and cry and you were tired and needed rest? You certainly didn't always FEEL love at that very moment, yet you rocked that baby and did everything in your power to make that baby feel better. Yes, you did it because you needed him/her to sleep so you could sleep but you were ACTING the love that you just didn't feel at that moment,

You honoured your mother, and you loved her, let go of the doubt.