Is denying sex with my husband a sin? - Page 2

KendraDZ1902 · #16 Feb 27, '13, 11:03 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForGood

Hubby knows why and all of the reasons for it. I am just still searching for some answers Nd help. Didn't know if anyone else ever dealt with this kind of thing. I have recurrent and intrusive thoughts and memories that kill my libido and effect any kind of intimate time with my husband. Sigh. ... Hopefully I will heal someday.

It is great that your hubby knows. A lot of women have problems when it comes to sex. I also have problems. Some days I am perfectly fine, no memories jump into my head. Some days I don't want to be touched at all, not even a hug. You and I both WILL heal one day.
I'm not totally sure of your situation, but I had my first confession a few weeks ago and talk to the priest about my situation. He told that me forgiving will help me heal. So, I have been working really hard at forgiveness. I will most definitely keep you in my prayers.

fpt · #17 Feb 28, '13, 6:19 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by ForGood

So, with my journey lately a lot of my past is haunting me and I'm having flashbacks and all kinds of things going on. It's to the point where I am unable to be with my hubby without mental torture going on inside my head. So I've been avoiding sex all together. Is this a sin? And if it is is it mortal or venial? Thanks for any feedback.

In order to respect the natural moral regime of the marital act, and thus not to sin, you need to:

be honest with your husband in explaining him the reasons, the causes, the motivations of this refusal of the marital act: you need to talk with him and to say to him in the details and with all the subtelties the "Why" of this situation;

know that your reasons have to be real, objective, true, fair, realistic, balanced, legitimate and natural; the unilateral refusal of marital act has to be justified by you via some good reasons;

have the will to solve the issues in working on, in finding solutions and in trying treatments (moral treatments, psychologic treatments, spiritual treatments, physical treatments, ethical treatments); you have to be helped by catholic doctors, catholic priests, catholic ethicists, catholic sexologists specialized in conjugal issues about the corporeity and the conjugal sex with the corollaries;

pray God for your husband, for your couple, for you and for your conjugal sexual life;

try to accept the physical tenderness without sex, per se, like a first step for solving the issues; you need to force yourself (efforts and sacrifices in favor of your husband, of your couple, and in fine of you);

be kind, affable, lovable and very charitable with him about all the other issues of the family and of couple: your first devotion is your husband.

try to force yourself of practicing the marital act for your husband, for your couple and in fine for you: yes, the marriage means some sexual efforts and some sexual sacrifices, you need to know that;

catholicman2022 · #18 Feb 28, '13, 12:57 pm

I had brain surgery im not an idiot. You husband probably does not have motile sperm then

Debora123 · #19 Feb 28, '13, 1:13 pm

I have an honest question to the OP and please don't take this the wrong way... I do not mean to offend, merely to understand some of the sentiment going around in this thread.

Being the woman in the relationship, I don't always feel "in the mood" for sex either. But unless I'm angry specifically AT HIM, even if I'm not in the mood or even if I have a headache, I still don't say no to sex if he wants it. If worse comes to worse and I'm REALLY not feeling it, I can just lay there and kiss him softly and rub his back, and that's all it takes. (we call it a "quicky"). It's not difficult for a man to climax, so why not just give him 5 minutes of your time? It doesn't take much, and in the end, even though I wasn't in the mood and even though I didn't climax, I still feel a sense of closeness and fulfillment and happiness for having made him happy. It's still always a win win.

Now, I've never had severe depression or anything like that, so perhaps I'm just missing a huge part of the puzzle here, and perhaps that's why I don't understand what the big deal is with having sex with your spouse. So please don't take this as me trying to undermine your circumstances or anything... I'm just trying to understand, because I personally see it completely differently.

thewanderer · #20 Feb 28, '13, 10:41 pm

Quote:

Originally Posted by Debora123

I have an honest question to the OP and please don't take this the wrong way... I do not mean to offend, merely to understand some of the sentiment going around in this thread.

Being the woman in the relationship, I don't always feel "in the mood" for sex either. But unless I'm angry specifically AT HIM, even if I'm not in the mood or even if I have a headache, I still don't say no to sex if he wants it. If worse comes to worse and I'm REALLY not feeling it, I can just lay there and kiss him softly and rub his back, and that's all it takes. (we call it a "quicky"). It's not difficult for a man to climax, so why not just give him 5 minutes of your time? It doesn't take much, and in the end, even though I wasn't in the mood and even though I didn't climax, I still feel a sense of closeness and fulfillment and happiness for having made him happy. It's still always a win win.

Now, I've never had severe depression or anything like that, so perhaps I'm just missing a huge part of the puzzle here, and perhaps that's why I don't understand what the big deal is with having sex with your spouse. So please don't take this as me trying to undermine your circumstances or anything... I'm just trying to understand, because I personally see it completely differently.

I think the fact that the OP talked about having flashbacks and trauma implies that she has probably suffered some kind of sexual trauma in the past.

That is so, so different than just not being in the mood.

OP, in such a situation, no it is not sinful to not have sex with your husband, so long as you are doing whatever you can to deal with your trauma so that you can get to place where you can have relations with him. I am so sorry for your situation. I will say some prayers for you.

aidanbradypop · #21 Mar 1, '13, 5:20 am

How does your husband respond to all of this? Is he understanding and supportive or does he act in a selfish manner?

My wife and I went through this awhile back. At times I was understanding and supportive and other times I was selfish

. My wife sought help and we are now on the upside. I will say a prayer for your marriage!

Debora123 · #22 Mar 1, '13, 8:43 am

Quote:

Originally Posted by thewanderer

I think the fact that the OP talked about having flashbacks and trauma implies that she has probably suffered some kind of sexual trauma in the past.

That is so, so different than just not being in the mood.

Good call, hadn't caught that.

Robert Sock · #23 Mar 1, '13, 5:43 pm

Listen to your conscience.

sojo · #24 Mar 1, '13, 6:03 pm

It sounds more like PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). And I can tell you that not only is that a full-on medical condition, but forcing yourself to do something that you know will set you off isn't just awful, it can be dangerous. When push comes to shove, you can simply snap and injure your partner or yourself.

PTSD isn't something you just run to the counselor and get cured. I've been working on my PTSD for 10 years now and though I've had improvement, I still suffer episodes.

Southern · #25 Mar 6, '13, 10:44 am

Sex is a gift. Sounds kinda like my situation where it is a curse and you need the help and prayers of others to help get you through the day even. I recently discussed issues with my spouse that I never would have dreamed I would even mention. I thank God that my spouse was understanding and not judgemental. First talk to your spouse. Then my suggestion would be a decon that you can trust. Hope this helps and with prayers I remain.