Catholic FAQ


Latest Threads
newest posts



Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life
 

Welcome to Catholic Answers Forums, the largest Catholic Community on the Web.

Here you can join over 400,000 members from around the world discussing all things Catholic. Membership is open to all, Catholic and non-Catholic alike, who seek the Truth with Charity.

To gain full access, you must register for a FREE account. Registered members are able to:
  • Submit questions about the faith to experts from Catholic Answers
  • Participate in all forum discussions
  • Communicate privately with Catholics from around the world
  • Plus join a prayer group, read with the Book Club, and much more.
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free. So join our community today!

Have a question about registration or your account log-in? Just contact our Support Hotline.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search Thread Display
  #16  
Old Jun 24, '12, 1:18 pm
Slinger Slinger is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: June 20, 2011
Posts: 107
Religion: Christ Follower
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Quote:
Originally Posted by steph410 View Post
I'm looking for some Catholic-centered advice. my husband and i already have 4 children who are still quite young. the youngest is 18 months now and I am ready to try for another baby. I am Catholic, my husband is non-denominational Christian. (also, i am 38 years old and would like to have at least one more before turning 40.)

Anyways, he is not keen on having another child. his reasons are that we have our hands full. i admit that our kids are high energy, etc, but i still want another baby. I have tried my best to explain Catholic beliefs in the area, but he does not agree and we remain at a standstill. I also feel it is negatively affecting our marriage. should i drop the subject entirely? we use nfp and avoid on fertile days, but i would like to be open to life.

thanks for any advice

(edited to add: i am thankful he agrees to nfp at the moment, at least, because at one point he mentioned getting a vasectomy)
I'm not Catholic so I am not going to offer Catholic advice but Christian advice. We can always pray for the desires of our heart but God has the final say. That is how we should be praying...that God's will be done...and if HIS will is not ours then ask him to change our hearts to align with HIS desires and not our own.

Also, I would bet that if you put God back in control and submit to your husband you will see a turnaround in your marriage.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old Jun 25, '12, 10:08 am
ahs's Avatar
ahs ahs is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: July 13, 2011
Posts: 2,972
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Quote:
Originally Posted by steph410 View Post
but if there is no dire reason for avoiding, i'm not sure that is considered "open to life" and isn't it selfishly based/against Church teaching?
Yes, it's selfish if there is no serious/grave reason. But who decides what is a serious reason? Only you and your husband can discern that for yourselves in your situation. Right now, your husband seems to feel that you [both, as a couple/family] have a serious reason...yet you seem to not think so. Hence, then need to communicate openly with each other about it.

I do agree with TheRealJulian. He is the head of the household. And more than that, you are in a situation where you husband will obviously be upset about another baby right now. And you cannot look into the future to know how you'd actually respond to baby#5 (emotionally, physically, financially, etc...). Avoiding in the meantime (while you both talk this over and discern it) will cause you some grief about the chance of not having another baby...but there is not guarantee you won't be able to have another baby in the future. However, pushing your husband for antoher baby is guaranteed to cause waves in the relationship. If just the thought of it, and the disagreement from that, is causing problems...how much more problems when you find out you are actually pregnant?

That's why I recommeded counseling. You both need to learn to understand each other's point of view on this subject and find out what is bothering each of you respectively.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old Jun 25, '12, 11:57 am
choose to love choose to love is offline
Regular Member
 
Join Date: March 13, 2007
Posts: 642
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

@OP: you might want to start by accurately stating the level of severity needed to postpone pregnancy, i.e., serious reasons, not dire ones. If you misstate the standard I think you may lose him on the reasoning entirely.

Obviously you need to discuss in more detail with him than you can reasonably provide on a thread, but you may want to consider some things. Are you a SAHM? When do you discuss your struggles during the day with the kids (high-energy,etc.)? Do you discuss the positives/joys of your parenting day?

What I am trying to get at is that if Hubby is only hearing the struggles, he may think you are overwhelmed, and while you may be in a particular moment, overall you apparently feel comfortable with your (H&W) parenting level - - does he realize this?

Does he have time with the kids, either together, in subsets, or alone? I think it can be a common fear that the working parent (if that is your case) doesn't get a lot of time with the kids, and that can be a concern, especially with littler ones who need so much attention just to keep dressed, bathed, fed, etc. When they are a little more self-sufficient some things can go more smoothly.

What are the selfish/wordly reasons he has advanced? Are you praying together about this?

Then, if he can identify his reasons, perhaps you can come up with a game plan to address issues. If he states, for example, that he feels you are both wiped out at the end of the day and do not have time for each other, you could come up with a plan for earlier bedtimes, or perhaps his schedule could be arranged to get home earlier so you can both participate more equally in a night-time routine,etc. Not saying any of those are your particular issues, just by way of example.
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old Jun 25, '12, 1:55 pm
SMHW's Avatar
SMHW SMHW is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: June 30, 2004
Posts: 6,148
Religion: Roman Rite Catholic
Send a message via MSN to SMHW
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Some thoughts:

It is possible for you to badly want another child and also for your husband to conclude that the two of you have serious reasons to avoid.

It is possible for your husband to have both selfish and valid reasons to want to avoid.

It is possible that your desire for another baby is sign from God that now IS a good time to have another child.

It is okay to have another child even if you do have serious reasons to avoid.

Both your feeling and your husbands feelings about having more children are important.

A husband and wife have differing abilities to cope with different kinds of stresses.
---------------------------------------------------
I could go on. My point is that this is not an "One is right; the other is wrong," situation. It seems more like two people trying to make sense of conflicting thoughts and feelings.

Since you are the one posting here and not your husband I can only suggest what you ought to do.
  1. Honor his fears. That is not the same thing as saying they are fully justified. It means to acknowledge that he really does have fears about having another child. He may not have realized that he is afraid.
  2. Honestly acknowledge what will happen if you do have another child. For example, it might mean you have to put more than two children in a bedroom or you might have to convert his man-cave into a bedroom. It might mean he can't retire as soon as he had hoped. It might mean that you will not work the full-time job he always thought you would get when your current youngest is older.
  3. Insist that he treat your openness to more children at least as seriously as you treat his fears/lost dreams.
  4. Discuss, discuss, discuss.
  5. Pray together, pray together, pray together.
__________________
"To all of us who hold the Christian belief that God is truth, anything that is true is a fact about God, and mathematics is a branch of theology." ~Hilda Phoebe Hudson
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old Jun 25, '12, 2:07 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: October 11, 2010
Posts: 19,026
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Quote:
Originally Posted by steph410 View Post
First of all, I never implied I would "try" to have a baby without the consent of my husband. why do these threads always go this way?? I also never said my sole reason for wanting another child is because I'm nearing 40. I would like to fit one more in before turning 40, but I have a longing in my heart for another child. Children are a blessing and a gift from God. period. My husband and I are well off financially, and have no dire reason to not be open to another child. We are talking about it, but as far as I can see, my husband is coming from a place of worldly selfishness on this topic. Not to say he's not wonderful in other areas. Anyways, the true Catholic faith is a difficult path to follow and I am willing to follow that path. I appreciate the rest of your post, though. thanks.
Hey, don't get me wrong, I understand wanting to have more kids! I was blessed to have the 2 healthy sons I have, but if I'd had time and God's blessing, I'd have had 6. But I'm afraid my husband might have left me. 2 was his upper limit. I totally get it that you would love to welcome another life. I hope that God turns your husband's heart to being open to life even now.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old Jul 2, '12, 6:15 am
JharekCarnelian's Avatar
JharekCarnelian JharekCarnelian is offline
Forum Elder
 
Join Date: April 14, 2008
Posts: 22,725
Religion: Latin rite Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Slinger said:-

Quote:
so I am not going to offer Catholic advice but Christian advice
They are the same thing, to attempt to draw an artificial distinction here is to create a false dilemma. Catholic advice is truly Christian.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old Jul 2, '12, 6:51 am
Monicad Monicad is offline
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: September 30, 2006
Posts: 3,145
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Quote:
Originally Posted by steph410 View Post
....... i admit that our kids are high energy, etc, but i still want another baby. I have tried my best to explain Catholic beliefs in the area, but he does not agree and we remain at a standstill........
I agree with what others have posted, your focus should not be trying to explain Catholic beleifs to your husband but to listen to him. Make understanding him your focus. Wrap your arms around him and tell him how much you appreciate all that he does! Have talks with him about his hopes for the future!

His reasons could be selfish, although they could also be a "front." Think about the possibility that it might be easier for some men to be blunt and say "we can't afford more children" period.....end of discussion.....Then to talk about their deeper feelings and concerns about having more children and what that might mean to their marriage and home.
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old Jul 2, '12, 7:42 am
mtbender's Avatar
mtbender mtbender is offline
Regular Member
Greeter
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: August 5, 2011
Posts: 689
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Monicad View Post
I agree with what others have posted, your focus should not be trying to explain Catholic beleifs to your husband but to listen to him. Make understanding him your focus. Wrap your arms around him and tell him how much you appreciate all that he does! Have talks with him about his hopes for the future!
I am going to disagree here – it has to be both. It has to be a dialog. Listening and understanding are great, but you have to convey your side as well in a loving and understanding way. You can’t do it without him, but there should never be a “final say” in marriage.

After our 4th, I was dead set on no more. But through my wife’s compassionate persistence and constant dialogue, not only are we pregnant with our 6th; but I am now Catholic – two things I swore would never happen early in life.
__________________
"We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."
~-Elie Wiesel

Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old Jul 3, '12, 5:38 am
Monicad Monicad is offline
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: September 30, 2006
Posts: 3,145
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Need advice (I am ready for another child, but husband is not)

Quote:
Originally Posted by mtbender View Post
I am going to disagree here – it has to be both. It has to be a dialog. Listening and understanding are great, but you have to convey your side as well in a loving and understanding way. You can’t do it without him, but there should never be a “final say” in marriage.

After our 4th, I was dead set on no more. But through my wife’s compassionate persistence and constant dialogue, not only are we pregnant with our 6th; but I am now Catholic – two things I swore would never happen early in life.
Thank you, I don't think we disagree at all actually but can see I did not emphasize back-and-forth dialogue in my post. You are 100% correct that it has to be communication between them. I guess I got the impression that she had already been pretty persistent with her side and with her opinions and so I wanted to emphasize that she make sure to take the time to listen to him in case there were underlying "issues" keeping him from wanting more children.

Congratulations on your growing family and glad to hear you are part of the church both wonderful news!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Family Life

Bookmarks

Thread Tools Search Thread
Search Thread:

Advanced Search
Display

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Prayer Intentions

Most Active Groups
8457Meet and talk,talk talk
Last by: suko
5143CAF Prayer Warriors Support Group
Last by: UpUpAndAway
4424Devotion to the Sorrowful Mother
Last by: DesertSister62
4037OCD/Scrupulosity Group
Last by: eschator83
3863SOLITUDE
Last by: beth40n2
3735Let's empty Purgatory
Last by: RJB
3318Petitions Before the Blessed Sacrament
Last by: Amiciel
3282Poems and Reflections
Last by: PathWalker
3223Catholic Vegetarians & Vegans
Last by: Rifester
3109For seniors and shut- ins
Last by: RevDrJBTDDPhD



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 2:18 pm.

Home RSS Feeds - Home - Archive - Top

Copyright © 2004-2014, Catholic Answers.