Catholic FAQ


Latest Threads
newest posts



Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Spirituality
 

Welcome to Catholic Answers Forums, the largest Catholic Community on the Web.

Here you can join over 400,000 members from around the world discussing all things Catholic. Membership is open to all, Catholic and non-Catholic alike, who seek the Truth with Charity.

To gain full access, you must register for a FREE account. Registered members are able to:
  • Submit questions about the faith to experts from Catholic Answers
  • Participate in all forum discussions
  • Communicate privately with Catholics from around the world
  • Plus join a prayer group, read with the Book Club, and much more.
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free. So join our community today!

Have a question about registration or your account log-in? Just contact our Support Hotline.

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search Thread Display
  #1  
Old Jun 10, '12, 12:12 pm
ForGood ForGood is offline
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 18, 2011
Posts: 289
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Postabortion trauma and nightmares...

Hello,

Just wrote about some of my latest struggles on my blog. Please visit if you like.

http://postabortionwalk.blogspot.com...p-writing.html

But here is the text...

Sometimes when I have no answers but plenty of questions, writing is a tool for me to flush some out that I didn't know where there. Sometimes, the writing becomes just words that I throw up on a page, but that too can be cleansing just to get them out of my head and then I can look at them and rearrange and try to make them make sense. The current struggle (redundant I know, oxymoron?) is my past and its intrusiveness on my life now. Perhaps just another symptoms of the abortion, of the shame and secretiveness, the shoving down into the very depths of one's being all the lies and thoughts and self-hatred that goes along with having had an abortion. With all that I've learned over the past couple of years, I'm finding that no matter the way a woman comes to have an abortion, whether coerced, forced, chosen, the result is some kind of self-hatred which shows itself in a myriad of most disgusting, hurtful and utterly painful ways for the rest of the woman's life.


For me, it seems to be, ghosts of all of the time before my abortion and afterward. You would think an abortion would be enough to scare a girl into never having sex again. Nope. I don't think that happens unless she has a support system in place that guides her afterwards and this I did not have. Because my Mom and I decided that ignoring the situation all together and pretending like it never happened (like a good Irish family deals with most things emotional or scandalous), I basically went right back to how I got pregnant in the first place, and probably in a worse way. Where before the abortion sex was this new, novel thing, and I was proud of it and what I could get for it and how I could wield it like a weapon, sex after the abortion became a punishment, an ugly, dreadful thing, but I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know how to get a boy to like me any other way. I didn't even think I was likable, let alone datable. Some of my, "this one time, at band camp..." stories could have been the basis for a year's worth of after school specials on how not to treat a girl. But, this was also the 80's and sex was no big deal, everyone was doing it. The problem was no one was doing it right.


I've been with my husband for almost 18 years now and you would think that would be enough time for those bad memories to fade off into the distance somewhere just so I could have them there to call on to give informative warnings to my own girls and maybe other young women and young men on what sex at that age can and will do to you. My memories lay dormant for so long but now with the opening up of myself to the healing and mercy of God for my abortion, I'm afraid I've opened myself up to all kinds of other things I need healing for. I used to look at my past like no big deal, would brag about it to my girlfriends, wear it as a badge of honor in some circles, when truthfully it makes me sick to my stomach.


If there is one thing I would tell every young woman out there who is thinking about having sex - don't. Wait. Wait forever if you have to. You are worth so much more than just sex. I think that every time a person has sex before marriage, a part of you must break off and you never get it back. How I wish I could have been whole when I met my husband. Not that he has ever judged me for my past and wouldn't ever, but how I wish he didn't even have to ever think about it even for a nanosecond. So maybe it's part of the guilt. Now that I've found a way to live with my abortion and find some peace with Grace, there are still parts of me that tear at me trying to tear open any scabbed over scar that I'm trying so desperately to heal.


These memories of my past have become intrusive and resilient and badger my heart and mind. I can't close my eyes sometimes for fear of what I may see. I lay awake in bed one night for a solid hour or more afraid to open in my eyes because I was convinced something was right in front of my face. I know, send the padded wagon now.


My sleep is interrupted by nightmares, vivid, in color, blood and carnage nightmares. The sound of metal clanging makes me shudder. I recently had to have a minor procedure in a doctor's office, the sound of the tray, the light overhead... The nurse was a black gentlemen, nice and compassionate as can be, but the doctor who performed my abortion was also a black gentlemen. I was almost gasping for air during most of my recent appointments. In a nightmare a few nights ago I was somehow found out and thrown in a dungeon like place with some Freddy-krugerish looking character, sans the red and green striped sweater, he was in a cassock or robe of some sort and was taunting me and off in the distance I could hear metal being sharpened and prepared, then the lights went out and I woke up shuttering and sweating. The list seems endless currently as to what takes me back there. A song on the radio. A certain smell.


When before it would be a fleeting memory that I could will away or my husband could make disappear - now they are stubborn and remain and persist and they all tell me the same thing. I am nothing. I am a slut and a whore. I am worth nothing. I killed my baby.


For as horrible as all of this sounds, hope remains. I force myself to reach out for help. I write and write and write and pray whatever meager words I can eek out. I am something. I am worth something. I am married and this is not the sex from then. Nothing is definitively lost.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old Jun 10, '12, 1:49 pm
Trishie's Avatar
Trishie Trishie is offline
Forum Elder
Prayer Warrior
 
Join Date: April 28, 2008
Posts: 32,749
Religion: joyfully Catholic
Default Re: Postabortion trauma and nightmares...

We know from your blog and past posts that you have children, and as you say, you are married.
You have repented and God has given you redemption and a family.
The pitfall of Eden was that Adam and Eve were given much, but became obsessed with what they couldn't have. Instead of great gratitude for what they had been given they couldn't let go of what they they didn't possess.
In hanging on to and obsessing about that, they lost what they had been given as gift.
Please don't let that be your story.

You have reached a point where you need real help to let go of what you cannot have on this earth, the child you lost, the innocence you lost, at a young age, in the way you did, and having read your story previously in your blog the guilt was not yours alone. May God help you to choose for overwhelming gratitude for the children you have, for the marriage you have and that needs nurturing.

We can only live today, only the present moment. Perhaps it's time to let go of your blog, to stop looking back because the past is becoming your present, and you risk losing the ability to live in the present where your children need you, and your husband needs a loving wife.
These are the gifts God has given you.
God has entrusted you with the gift of children even after your past error. God has blessed you and may gratitude grow in your life to drive our a past that God forgave.

Our God, You sent Your Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but so that through Him the world might be saved. No one who believes in Him will be condemned. [John 3:17-18]

You assure us through Isaiah, our God,

I have dispelled your faults like a cloud
your sins like a mist
Come back to me, for I have redeemed you
.
[Isaiah 44:22]

Furthermore, You proclaim:
Happy those whose crimes are forgiven, whose sins are blotted out; happy the man whom the Lord considers sinless. [Psalm 31:1-2] For through Your Son, You have cancelled every record of the debt that we had to pay; He has done away with it by nailing it to the cross. [Colossians 2:14-15]

Therefore, our God it is not presumptuous to ask that we may be healed of our faults and freed from our sin. Indeed, You have said:

No need to recall the past,
no need to think about what was before.
See I am doing a new deed,
even now, it comes to light; can you not see it?
Yes, I am making a road in the wilderness,
paths in the wild
.
[Isaiah 43:18-19]
Although we must strive through the Spirit to walk the way of Your Son, You assure us that we are not alone or dependent upon our efforts alone:
For I, your God,
I am holding you by the right hand;
I tell you, do not be afraid, I will help you.
Do not be afraid...poor worm...
the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer
.
[Isaiah 41:13-14]

Our dear God please lead our sister to welcome fully Your forgiveness, and to welcome Your healing power, and to live with daily gratitude for Your love of her as Your child, and in daily gratitude for her family. Please surround and fill her with Your peace
__________________
JESUS who died once for all persons
who gives Yourself wholly in Communion to billions throughout time
please pray in me for every person
as if each person is the only loved one.
JESUS please welcome each person with love, healing, and great joy!
Thank You JESUS


Mother Mary at the wedding feast of Cana (John 2:1-12)
though JESUS protested it was not yet time for miracles
you successfully interceded with Him for a family's temporal need
please now intercede with your divine Son
for each person's temporal and spiritual needs.
Thank you Mother


JESUS please grant our prayer for this person


Catechism of the Catholic Church http://www.vatican.va/archive/ENG0015/_INDEX.HTM

Last edited by Trishie; Jun 10, '12 at 1:59 pm.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old Jun 10, '12, 2:31 pm
TheRealJuliane TheRealJuliane is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: October 11, 2010
Posts: 19,026
Religion: Roman Catholic
Default Re: Postabortion trauma and nightmares...

My heart goes out to you. Your blog is so painfully honest...Apart from the abortion, we have a similar past. I carry my guilt and shame with me too, although I know God has already forgiven me. I pray that both of us, and all women who suffer from painful pasts, can find peace and joy in Jesus.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old Jun 10, '12, 3:01 pm
Julia Mae's Avatar
Julia Mae Julia Mae is offline
Senior Member
Book Club Member
 
Join Date: July 30, 2011
Posts: 6,221
Default Re: Postabortion trauma and nightmares...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ForGood View Post

My sleep is interrupted by nightmares, vivid, in color, blood and carnage nightmares. The sound of metal clanging makes me shudder. I recently had to have a minor procedure in a doctor's office, the sound of the tray, the light overhead... The nurse was a black gentlemen, nice and compassionate as can be, but the doctor who performed my abortion was also a black gentlemen. I was almost gasping for air during most of my recent appointments. In a nightmare a few nights ago I was somehow found out and thrown in a dungeon like place with some Freddy-krugerish looking character, sans the red and green striped sweater, he was in a cassock or robe of some sort and was taunting me and off in the distance I could hear metal being sharpened and prepared, then the lights went out and I woke up shuttering and sweating. The list seems endless currently as to what takes me back there. A song on the radio. A certain smell.
Two things. If you check with an expert I believe you will find you are describing the classic symptoms of PTSD. You experienced a trauma. You can get treatment. I hope you will.

Quote:
When before it would be a fleeting memory that I could will away or my husband could make disappear - now they are stubborn and remain and persist and they all tell me the same thing. I am nothing. I am a slut and a whore. I am worth nothing. I killed my baby.
This is the Liar whispering in your ear. You check with a different expert about this! Your baby is in the arms of a loving and merciful God. The damage is to you. The Liar will take advantage of any weakness to lead us to despair. You don't allow it.

Ask yourself what you would say to a young woman who had the same experience you did who told you how worthless she is. Tell that to yourself. Find the girl who went through the experience and help her understand and forgive herself. We don't get to judge our young selves as if she had the wisdom of our old minds.

IF you are compassionate, if you care about others, if you have humility, if you have anything at all of spiritual value from God, you have those things because of who you are right now.

And you are who you are because of every single drop of you life's ink on the blotter that makes up the pattern of your unique life.

God loves you. Let's not be arguing with His judgement.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old Jun 10, '12, 4:01 pm
Dorothy Dorothy is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 19, 2004
Posts: 8,104
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Postabortion trauma and nightmares...

"For Good",

You have repented and are forgiven! The Lord loves you and He came to heal the broken hearted!

Are you familiar with this site?


http://hopeafterabortion.com/
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old Jun 10, '12, 7:03 pm
Veronica97 Veronica97 is online now
Regular Member
 
Join Date: August 18, 2011
Posts: 1,119
Religion: Catholic
Default Re: Postabortion trauma and nightmares...

I agree with the others. You are forgiven. Your baby is with Jesus and she is happy. You never have to worry about her salvation. But you have other children right here on Earth who do need you. They need your love, your instruction, and your prayers. Ask your baby to pray for you and to pray for her brothers and sisters. You will see her again one day. If you are not already praying the Rosary, I would urge you to do so. Mary will help you to get through this and to heal. I too think it would be best if you left your blog for awhile. If you want to do something positive, volunteer at the Crisis Pregnancy Center and share your stories with those young women. Donate what you can (diapers, formula, etc.). Join Right to Life. Pray the Rosary for an end to abortion and for all young parents to choose life. God can turn this into something good IF you let Him.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Go Back   Catholic Answers Forums > Forums > Catholic Living > Spirituality

Bookmarks

Tags
healing, nightmares, postabortion, trauma

Thread Tools Search Thread
Search Thread:

Advanced Search
Display

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



Prayer Intentions

Most Active Groups
8257Meet and talk,talk talk
Last by: GLam8833
5018CAF Prayer Warriors Support Group
Last by: UpUpAndAway
4345Devotion to the Sorrowful Mother
Last by: lsbar
4029OCD/Scrupulosity Group
Last by: B79
3834SOLITUDE
Last by: tuscany
3570Let's empty Purgatory
Last by: RJB
3230Poems and Reflections
Last by: tonyg
3206Catholic Vegetarians & Vegans
Last by: Chast Forever
3130Petitions Before the Blessed Sacrament
Last by: Amiciel
3048For seniors and shut- ins
Last by: tammany



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 2:19 pm.

Home RSS Feeds - Home - Archive - Top

Copyright © 2004-2014, Catholic Answers.